Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Mo, ha ha, that sounds just stbex.

Breakfree as the others say, try not to freak out too much about the continuing cycle. Every day that passes increases your distance, even if you are still in the relationship. If you can work on yourself in the meantime and continue to draw support from this thread and hopefully some RL sources, it will help you get stronger.
The day will come!

So, to carry on what was started....

My X, humpty's exH and Bigbuttons stbx & MadameOvary's X are ALLLLL fucking wankers

why is everything such a mess? the shit from work that was my friend and then a rebound relationship has had his temporary job made permenant and his ex-girlfriend has taken him back. He's walking around like the cat that got the cream, and in spite of me completely humiliating myself today by crying in front of him and saying that I miss his friendship, he doesn't give a toss. Then I dropped ds1 off at his fathers, H all happy, with ocado delivery arriving and him arranging to get together with dd1 friend's father. Every one has moved on apart from me and I'm the one who's stuck, not sleeping, not eating, crying all the time, thinking of quitting my job so I don't have to see my rebound man anymore. Suddenly my old life doesn't seem so bad.

and now to top it all, my H has accused me of re-writing history and that things weren't that bad. I would him up, and was a difficult person to live with so my fault again I guess.

Hi everybody I hope you dont mind me joining the thread

I just started another thread, here is my post

where do I start?

I have today given DP an ultimatum-it's us (me DS(4) DD (not quite 1) or the drink. This was prompted by a three day bender last Friday to Sunday,the highlight of which was him attempting to get someone to deliver coke to our home sat morning. After I said I don't think so him and his mate fucked off back out to the pub

I feel sick writing this

I left Saturday, to our other home and have been here since, I wasn't hanging around for the mess to arrive back home

This is just the straw that will ( seemingly) break the camel's back

I've just ordered Lundy bancrofts book but really I don't need to read it to know he definitely has abusive traits. We have also been at this crossroads before. He has never been able to give up drinkIng. It is too ingrained in his lifestlyle which unfortunately hasn't changed much since we have had children!

Don't know why I'm posting really just for some support really. I've never really felt like I'm being abused because I am an incredibly strong person in many ways. I think the reason why I have finally given him an ultimatum is the fact that my son is four now, I don't want him to be exposed to this behaviour or think that it is acceptable

He still hasn't replied to my ultimatum I would like to think it's because hes giving it serious consideration unfortunately it's more likely that he's down the pub haha. I know where this is going to lead though because he won't be able to five up the booze or stock to it

I may need some advice on a practical level when he does get in touch in relation to our assets. Everything is in my name but I doubt whether he would move out until we sold etc what a catch huh

Thanks for listening. I haven't spoken to anybody in rl about this yet

Would really appreciate some hand holding through what will essentially be us splitting up. Just putting DS to bed be back soon

Hi again pykel just realised what I wrote on the other thread might not quite be relevant ( v tired!!)... But still would get legal advice and see what they say, but wrt moving on from him and your situation the less you have to do with him, the better!

pyke sorry you are in this situation. Obviously what's hapenning is intolerable. How is you OH about this when you talk to him and how does he treat you generally? (holds hand)
Hurry up big ((hugs)) to you. you have to start looking after yourself, try to stop defining your worth by the other crappy men in your life. You are a strong brilliant woman who is going through real shit.

Hello pyke I also have a free hand when you need it.

Hurryup If your H had really moved on he wouldn't still be trying to bring you down by belittling you and doing the classic "denial,minimisation,blame" thing. He is just reflecting his own failings back at you.

I'm going to be presumptuous and say that you don't really miss your old life, you miss the familiar patterns it had. You're feeling cut adrift, lonely and insecure about the future. This is always the shittest time to experience, but it's also the starting point for the rest of your life.

These twats make us feel like we can't exist without them. The pain you're feeling? The hopelessness, the depression? That's you facing all the damage that they've done. When my X first left me for OW, I had days when I was doubled up with what felt like panic attacks, I just felt overwhelmed.
But I would go through that again to get to where I am now. He's still in my life but his behaviour is clear as glass now. I know I'm the better person and the stronger one. He will never change.

You on the other hand are going to be just fine.
Baby steps, wrap yourself in virtual bandages, keep posting on here.
As for work... I love the saying "Fake it till you make it"

Oh and tell me I'm talking shite if it helps.

Hello everybody sorry to just barge in like I did

I had previously been watching the thread before humpty suggested I join although hadn't read it lately. I'm going to have a read in a bit

I will be speaking to him tomorrow. I don't really want to split up but will if necessary. On the whole he is quite nice but there are certainly a couple of horrible incidents. Twice where he has grabbed my neck (while I was holding the baby). Now this was after I threw water at him and then a glass at his feet so he will say that is my fault. Admittedly I shouldn't have done that with the glass of water but on that occasion we had been arguing and arguing (due to another of his
Benders I think it was) and I just lost it. He was trying the water torturer method I believe it's called and I just flipped.

I think that's why I've been thinking abput our relationship alot what happened to make it this bad? However did it come to this? I don't behave like that!

Another incident which really upsets me is when my father was recently diagnosed with cancer he said well he's not exactly dying is he. Not the words you would expect to hear from your partner are they. This is coming from a man who lost both his parents to cancer

Urgh there's not much good going on at the moment. I feel sick writing this down.

When he's good he can be lovely - we have wonderful family days out, family barbecues, he invites everybody over and cooks/hosts. He built most of our house. I am studying and he doesn't do loads to help he doesnt get in the way of it and does his bit now and again. I'm not stupid and I haven't been brainwashed but there is enough there to make me want to try

I may think about staying apart until September as I can't stay away from the main home any longer than that anyway as DS starts school but I'll let you all know how it goes tomorrow

Thanks for all your hand holding, sorry I have just barged in and not yet offered any support

I should add his mother was an alcoholic and his father treated her terribly (they split) so he hasn't had any good role models. He also knows how he is behaving is wrong. But for s

I should add his mother was an alcoholic and his father treated her terribly (they split) so he hasn't had any good role models. He also knows how he is behaving is wrong. But for sOme reason he never changed it, we just in the same cycles. I think I'm just about ready to get off this merry go round

Bigbuttons- you''re so right, I had my first counselling session this week and I came away feeling that that is exactly what I've done for years. If things were going well in my marriage, I was proud of myself and when it wasn't I could barely hold my head up. When the OM was showing me affection I was on cloud 9, when he spent hours talking about his other women in the past it was my fault for not being good enough. I've 5 children and I think I even define my worth according to how they're doing, although maybe this is ok?
Madameovary - you're most definitely not talking shite and thank you. One day I'm not going to let them make me feel so wretched and then they won't know what has happened.
Pykel - sorry you're going through it as well, from what everyone has said it will eventually get better.

Hi Pykel
When talking to others about my H I would describe him as Jekyll and Hyde - when he was good, he was very, very good, but when he was bad......apparently this is highly characteristic of abusive personalities.

I left mine in Dec but went back in Feb mainly due to guilt as we have 3DCs (all pre-school) and I'd moved to my home town miles away to start afresh.

I regret going back, and I feel myself as detached from him, just biding my time til I can leave again.

I can't forgive my H for the things that have happened in the past - he had tried to address the drinking issue, but didn't think he had a problem, so he still is drinking, but the adverse behaviour has diminished. Still get the rages and flare up of tempers etc.

The Hs I have read about on this post all sound weirdly similar!

Why can't I just find the balls to go? My DCs are pre-school age but my eldest starts school in August, and he loves his chums. My H says I am selfish wanting to put my own happiness before that of the kids.

I rented a house and still have it until mid July - when things get difficult all I want to do is go there, but I feel as though I am under house arrest. Is it so wrong to want to have time away from a suffocating situation? My H says it's disruptive for the kids.

Before I left in dec 11 he was a really shit dad - getting pissed, lying in bed all day with hangovers, and missing work etc. But he has curtailed his drinking and taken more of an interest in the kids. I suppose I feel as though my reason to leave has gone. People say you don't need to justify the reasons, so why do I feel that I do?

He drove me to depression, and it is through seeing a psychiatrist that I recognise that it is my home situation that is the exacerbating factor. Before I was bubbly, extrovert, totally not depresssive at all. That's what makes me mad - the fact that he took me to such a bad place.

Sorry - realised that I have started ranting on about myself again.

Thank you everyone for posting your stories, advice, info etc. It is my current source of retaining my sanity!

Anyhow, thinking of you all.

Rant away peeptoes, we are here
I love the way they all think that we will magically forget and forgive their past behaviour just because they start behaving like something approaching a decent human being.

X sulks because I wont live with him. He uses this as an excuse not to trust me - because I dont trust him. What a mature approach to an adult relationship. Well I dont live with him because I'm never again going to be in the position of being ordered to leave in the middle of the night after having my bags forcibly packed, having my clothes ripped off me because they were not good enough to wear out with him, or be woken up in the night by him brandishing a picture of a faceless naked woman from the internet and acccusing me of posting photos of myself on dating sites.

Peeptoes, how dare he call you selfish - how the hell are you supposed to be a good parent if you are not in a good, secure place (physically and emotionally).

He curtailed his drinking. What does he want, a medal? Has he offered anything approaching a sincere apology for his behaviour? Or was it the usual "Yeah I did such and such but you drove me to it" stuff?

for you.

peeptoes you did it once, that proves that you can do it again!

My x told me today that this all my fault because I broke up our marriage ... serioulsy wtf??? I didn't argue, I just said, "oh right" there really isn'#t any point in arguing with him... He even admitted later in the conversation once he had managed to start to annoy me that he was only trying to wind me up???

He is a prize knob. Although I would NEVER go back to him, I still get cross with myself for letting him wind me up. He now says he is going to take me to court for full custody of our kids. SEriously how does he see that working out for him? He has no job, no money, no home (staying with his mum), no stabililty, has paid no maintanence for months, threatens suicide, etc etc etc. Not to mention the fact that they are settled now. What I was thinking when he said taht was "over my dead body" but I just said "oh right".

He is such a wanker. Spoke to csa today, no action there... they say they can't take money from him if he's not working... I argued that it seemed unlikely that a 40 year old man would exist with no money for 2 months so far... They are not interested, basically said that I should get over myself and realise I won't get anything out of them. I do know that is the truth, but I tried to explain that I didn't want him to just get away with it.

When I asked him about money, saying dd needs new shoes, hers are too small, he says that's my problem and I should budget better.

He's such a smart arse, he's got an answer for everything .

He says that "you made your bed so now you have to lie in it" meaning that it's my fault that I am single mum on benefits and not his problem and yet he thinks he is a better parent than I am? I am far from perfect but he is like somebody else said, a dent on the sofa and that's it.

off to bed now, night night x

Thanks MO

Nah - he's not really shown any remorse. He appealed to me as the mother of his children to come back "Mummy, please stay....?" Pathetic really.

He went out and got drunk this weekend and no apologies - for any normal person going out and getting pissed is ok, but given our past totally unacceptable.

Mine used to get drunk and stay up late, watching telly or playing music v loudly (we have 3 small DCs). If I remonstrated with him, it would alwayd turn nasty, with him punching my head, or spitting in my face etc. Calling me a c*t was a favourite - adding fat as a prefix, obviously. The last straw before I left in dec was that he fell, out with me for allowing my mum to stay whilst he was away at a conference in USA (he hates her) - he was drunk, he kept shouting about "you let that fking c*t stay here" and frightened my DD (2) who was crying. Whilst I comforted her, he ripped off my pyjama bottoms, but not in a sexual way, just to demean me. I left 2 weeks later.

I went back. Why? Because he was ok when sober - but still has a wicked tongue and a bad temper. He is the typical charming to everyone else- sort of a guy - popular, successful etc.

He told everyone I left because I wasn't well, and had gone to my Mums to recover (I had PND). This was upsetting as I am a health professional, and work wise this could be really damaging - even more upsetting as I never betrayed his confidence to anyone about his drinking (have now though).

Can't forget. Can't forgive. Feel detached, and he has commented that we are living more like companions. No intimacy for over a year. Really only for baby making the past 5 years.

Feel sad now.

I keep a diary. He criticises me for re-reading it, as it reminds me of things I should forget. Should I? I feel that too many bad things have happened between us.

He found some print outs I'd kept from posts that I'd made on MN when we were separated, and said "so that's where you got all that nonsense from - I knew it wasn't really you saying those things" - I had used some of the (IMO sensible, wise comments) phrases in emails etc, as I found verbal communication too intimidating. He more or less accused me of being mad to rely so heavily on the advise of strangers.

He keeps forgetting that I am an intelligent woman.

he said if I lived on my own as a single mother then we would end up in some dodgy flat somewhere, with me on benefits etc. There are 2 main reasons why this annoyed me 1. He is such a snob, as who cares where you live as long as you're happy. And 2. I am a GP by occupation. I would be more than capable of providing for my Dcs, and he forgets that. (He's an academic).

I'm getting cross now. He belittled me. Ground me down. I need to grow some balls and leave.

Not making much sense. Sorry.

Been watching this thread for ages. it's so supportive. Have name changed, am so screwed up about telling anyone about my life.

Been married for 20 years. Three years ago, I finally, thanks to MN, understood that I am being emotionally abused, I read Patricia Evans, Lundy Bancroft. Do you remember when you finally realised what was happening in your relationship? That mixture of elation (that someone else understood), anger (that fecking hell, it's really not you it's him), that tight feeling in your chest (that allows all the emotion you've been fighting for years).

Too tired to post my whole story, but I feel I need to. And I will. What changes will it finally bring to me? Certainly, two weeks ago I told him he was the kiss of death to this family. Cue the next day....chat chat chat, about how we'll both maybe be buying new cars next year, did I need any money transferred for the dc's dentist appointments, showing me interesting articles in the newspaper.... The old me would have thought oh, life isn't really that bad after all. the relief of having what appears to be a normal, calm family is so strong isn't it? But nowadays, I know what it's all about, so I take the money, and bide my time.

Night Humpty. How many times did you leave before now? Everyone says it'll be easier the next time, but I just feel so paralysed.

My H has been stressed/ depressed, and when he says "I'm stressed" and I ask "why?" He says it's because he thinks I'm going to leave again - every time I go out or he goes out, even to work it's like "You're not planning to leave again are you?" It's wearing me down.

He has been shouting at our eldest who's 5 as he needs "cuddled down" at bedtimes, till he's asleep. Last night he shouted up "Get to bed you little shithouse" I felt repulsed that he could say that to a wee boy. That's abusive isn't it?

Hi Seriouslynow. My H does exactly the same - bad argument then next day acts as if nothing was said - is this emotional abuse, or controlling behaviour, or what?

I'm intrigued by your tale - please post it when you've time.

yep, peep, it's sooo abusive. To a 5 year old!

Hi seriously, hi pykel, hi MmeO, peeptoes I can't respond just now, just too late (again), just thought I'd post to let you know someone's listening.

Does anyone else get that "I can't believe this has happened to me - how could have I allowed it to?" feeling when they post their tales?

I read mine back with disbelief. Honestly, I almost feel as though I am making it up. (My H more or less says that I have, as he could never remember what happened when drunk) Convenient, or what?

If I leave again, I will be moving over an hour away by car. This is, I think, my H's biggest fear - that I will take the kids away from our town. I would do this as all my family are up North, so that's where my main support network is. I would struggle to do it where I live now, as I have no real local friends or family. Also it is a lot cheaper to rent a house away from the "big smoke" as they say.

Is this selfish?

Thanks Barbiegrows, I appreciate it!

You're right it is late - I need to go to Club Duvet now!

Night everyone. Please keep safe.