Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

ribbons, you KNOW it's not you. You are not alone, BB is right we are here.

Still here too. Trying to get my head around things still. Half the time I'm pretending its not happening that I feel this way and I feel like I am putting on this huge show just to keep peace because I'm terrifed for some reason of the actual process of getting rid of him.Also I have been sort of involved with someone else (not physically) and its eating me up inside because I feel so guilty about it but I can't help myself. We have liked eachother a while and he is a friend and it feels so nice to be treated nicely and someone listening and being just bloody well normal! I am mortified I've just admitted that.

breakfree this is maybe the one place you can say what is really happening and not be judged. Personally I don't blame you one jot.

Can I join you all please. Had a read through and realised this may be a good place for me. Certainly need to know somebody understands what this is like.

Welcome OMGWHID, you will find friendly shoulders and ears here.

WelcomeOMG
Well I'm currently enjoying the side effects of prozac. Not pleasant: nausea, hunger, headache, feeling wired but wanting to sleep, insomnia dizziness , and much more BUT and it's a big big BUT, this is a million times better than the awful black fog I'd been living in for years! And hopefully the side effects will wear off in a week or two. Despite feeling crap I feel happy! I actually hugged a friend today and told her I had always thought she was such a lovely and attractive woman!( I don't fancy her!)

hello!

Having a shit time. h is pressuring me to have joint counselling.

although he is now living at his mums, he has turned up every day this week at 6.30am & woken up the children - 'because they need him & I'm being a shit parent'.
i've said it's fine to come at 7am - when they get up. but he's arriving earlier & earlier. feel like locking the door & leaving the key in. when i told him he was being unreasonable, he told ds (aged 7) that mummy doesn't want him here & then went downstairs saying 'stupid, stupid'.
do you think i should ask if he was referring to himself with his 'stupid' remarks ???

hope everyone is as ok as you can be.

i told him that joint counselling isn't advisable in an abusive relationship.

angry at myself for feeling wobbly when i talk to him.

he is also asking me where i want to go on holiday as he has 2wks off work nxt month.

Its like we're speaking a different language to them.they only hear whst they want and when they do listen they twist it.they deny they ever abuse.play the victim.then when you are totally going insane, and feel like you are about to breakdownover the abuse stress and verbal tirades he goes and acts all "normal" for a bit mixed in with the odd snide remark.which is a joke in his opinion when you challenge him! Stbx ignores everything negwtive i say about the relationship like he knows he has me caged and thats that.its suffocating.plus he keeps trying to get me to have sex like its all im there for.i am not a sexual prude i just dont want to have sex with someone so arrogant that i resent so much because its clearly all he wants me for.

OK Vivee - time to take a deep breath and say that if he is not prepared to respect your 7am, then the morning visits STOP. TODAY.

He is harassing you and trying to ram rod you into doing what he wants you to do. NOT for the kids, not for you FOR HIM, only for him. He is being utterly selfish and it is unacceptable.

Tell him that no matter WHAT he says, you KNOW counselling would be inneffective, and in fact any decent counsellor would refuse to see you as a couple.

Tell him if he wants to fix his abusive behaviour, then HE has to find that path. His life is nothing to do with you anymore, and that is fine with you.

Tell him that you are not going to spend a holiday with him, nor a single night under the same roof, under any circumstances, and that that will be the last word on the subject.

If he refuses to respect your wishes on this, again all contact will stop, as it is detremental for your children to see you being manipulated, controlled and bullied like this, and you won't let it happen. You have managed to remove him from your home, and now you are closing down his supply of victim.

I wouldn't ask him what he meant by saying "stupid". Better not to seem to care IMO.

breakfree - do they actually listen though?? & lord help us for wanting to have sex with someone who respects us & our body??

so sorry, going into meltdown here.

herhissyness - thank you.

i god, thought i was being strong. he has just taken the baby into town to get passport photos.

annie - the 'stupid' comment - have just discussed he has apologised & said 'of course he was referring to himself/his behaviour'. he's clever, very clever.

i want to run away & have no where to go.

ViVee I haven't got long on here but I get a sense of impending doom from they way you say your oh is behaving. Please contact someone for support NOW as I think he is pushing too far.

They don't listen, because they don't think they have to. They are entitled to treat us like shit and we have no say in it.

All reasoning, bartering, pleading is a total waste of time. the sooner we all realise that, the sooner we are free.

vivee do you feel strong enough to put your foot down and tell him what is what? Tell him he will not be able to come into the house before 7 and if he harassing you you won't allow him in at all.
Tell him you are not going on holiday
Tell him you do not want to have sex with him ever again.
Tell him you will not go to joint counselling

Remember you are NOT asking for his permission. You are telling him how things will be.

Do not if you can get emotional and angry when you speak with him and God knows I know how hard that is. Try and remain calm and just repeat repeat repeat. Don't get involved with any discussions about your choices.

Please contact WA and or the police if you feel worried

He will keep on twisting the life all the time you allow it

Vivee - hope you are OK. Why is he coming round every morning? Remember you are NOT a shit parent, he wants you to think you are a shit parent. And making your kids think their mum's a shit parent is REALLY being a shit parent. Do call WA for advice on next steps.

Can I join too.
Recently left ex and have an injunction.
He's trying to defend injunction and is trying to prevent me moving by putting an injuction on MY house. I need to move asap to go back to work. Even though he can't contact me, he's still managing to get at me every which way he can.

(Hi BB :))

Be strong Vivee, we are all behind you! You are not a bad parent, far from it, you slung him out because he was abusing you. That's the best thing you could have done.

He's coming round to claim the kids somehow, to control your life, your movements, to remain imprinted in your life. If he really was there for them, he'd pick them up and take them to school, when they were ready, not get there earlier and earlier.

Change the locks love, make him wait outside until 7 if you have to, but stand up and tell him that YOU set the rules in your house now, not him.

Hi babyhammock good to see you here

hello, thank you for your support.

I have been asking mn to delete some posts/threads for my safety. don't want to leave you, but have to think of my safety & dc's of course.

xx thinking of you all xx

babyhammock, that sounds really frustrating. Hopefully the judge will see his counter-injunction request as frivolous. But even if he doesn't, the only thing you can do is try not to let it ruin your life. Your ex can and probably will try to create as many petty obstructions for you as he can (...because he's a disordered individual who can't stand to have things not in his control). Since he's not in your control, you can only let him be a jerk and rise above it.

Easier said than done. Be calm, be strong, be happy!

Vivee - good morning - glad to hear you're being cautious. Take care and be the best you can be. Don't let them think that turning up at all hours is caring for the children - it's harrassment plain and clear. Remember kids are strong too - even if Mum isn't as 'perfect' as Dad thinks she should be.

BIG SIGH, stbex has gone loopy again. However with the clarity of anti depressants things look very different to me now. I see how sick he is, and scary too.