Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Blimey bb, you can't win can you! It seems both your significant others are reacting to you in the same way. I have found this too - I am starting to realise that although these people are behaving badly, I am reacting to them in the same way. What I read was that abusive relationships continue because they run both ways - you feed what they need to attack you. And it does make you feel sick because you think you are either mad, or everyone's out to get you. It's just a crazy amount of stress, too much to deal with.

When a dog gets hit all the time they cower when you go to pat them - it's probably a bit like that. And then they run away and find a better home.

I guess it's quite likely that if your mother never supported you in the way that you needed your expectations are low - that seems to be the way it goes. I remember having boyfriends that were just complete wasters. I remember a couple of comments from people about my bad choices and not understanding what they meant - it was perfectly normal to me - not to be empathised with, not to have a voice, not to be held and hugged.

BB, there's no way you are going to turn into a narcissist. The very fact that you fear it means you won't. You care about people. You want your DCs to be happy because you love them, not because it makes your own life more comfortable. You give a shit, despite the narcs in your life despising you for it. They might yet break you - though now you've seen it and are taking steps to get away, they almost certainly won't - but they can't make you be like them.

So lovely that you made up with your precious boy :)

Hi everyone, after 10 days away I have 14 pages to catch up on!
I knew the holiday was coming so I had to put things on hold. We ticked over and I kept most of it calm so we could make the best of our trip. But that didn't change my feelings about him. I have become very detached. Where I used to think - 'he's really good at that, I couldn't do that without him' I now think - 'I could do without doing that', or, 'I could do that myself'
I stood in the airport looking at people staring at him while he barked at the kids, I smiled knowingly at the lady who looked at me, worried.

DD lost it today and said she knew I hated her. She was really moody after school and was ranting at everyone. But later she calmed down and was really soft and cuddly. Bigbuttons she's 13 - they really are still babies and whatever you say about your mother or your stbex controlling your DS in some way, they need their mum more than anyone. Have confidence in your bond.

"Perhaps you should go lie down" is such a typical line of the film Gaslight that gave its name to the EA practice.

I really feel for the upset and angry DCs. At least they are able to express their anger. And if their feelings once expressed are being validated (rather than invalidated, as happened to most of us in childhood and with partners), then you know that you are not doing what your mothers did to you.

Thanks all. The book I am reading on emotional/verbal abuse talks about a loving relationship where partners validate the feelings of their mates. stbex always appears to be saying that he hears what I am saying, that he understands, but I've never felt that to be true. Saying the words makes him seem like such a reasonable man.
I realised as well yesterday that my mother didn't validate my feelings. i couldn't express how I felt about most things. I would be called too sensitive and introspective. This is particularly true if i dares say that she had hurt me. This occurred well into adulthood. I hadn't realised the importance of having one's feelings validated until now. I'm so glad that ds1 could stand and scream at me and not be rebuked.
For my mother it has always been about how things will affect HER. I always felt I played second fiddle to her, that I was slotted in when there was a bit of space. She certainly gave more room and sympathy to her female friends than she did to me. I felt that because I DID play second fiddle. She still sees me as an extension to herself and therefore anything bad in my life, any negative aspects of personality repulse and frighten her.
She hasn't got time for me really and that was a very painful thing to realise. I just wanted a mummy. So now I have to be kind enough to be my own mummy and I have to take that wounded child that hides inside and give it permission to ry and express itself and move on.

barbie yes they are only babies still aren't they?How are you feeling about your relationship now? Has the holiday clarified things in your mind?

nicecuppa I have only had 2 days worth of ad's but already I feel loads better. I feel sharper and am actually laughing at things and smiling. Yesterday morning I felt I had completely lost the plot. I simply couldn't function anymore, couldn't even remember when I last bathed the kids. Now I feel much more with it. Im sure this will help with my sleeping which will in turn help me to feel better.

Thanks for listening, it really helps xxxx

Oh and the lying down thing. You know he always a sleep during the day. he had ME for years and is basically a hypocondriac, always too i''l to do stuff with the kids, or just recovering from being ill.
He told me the other day i should go back to teaching and try and be a head one day because I needed the status of that?????????? NO it's him that needs status. I know that. Deep down he is such a hurt and insecure little bo that he can only feel good by having a big house.
he is obsessed with pepole being disrespectful to him, even children. He harbours grudges and hurts from his infant school fgs.
He is very aggressive when he plays football and is always having 'arguments' with other team members and he can't see that this has anything to do with him
Of course he refuses to acknowledge that the soul reason I'm in the state I'm in is because of him. He agrees our relationship breakdown is a contributing factor, that's generous. But anything I've tried to do for myself he has criticised in some way, however small. I he doesn't like me shopping. If I re decorate a room he gets angry because I will "tire myself out" and be horrible to everyone. Nothing I do is taken seriously.

Oh it's almost worse when it's under the guise of supposedly "caring" for you, isnt it?
Mine had a diagnosis which he mentions at every opportunity as an excuse for not doing X or Y. Lots of lie downs too. Oh and yesterday he bought me an album...but one that HE wanted to listen to.

XH bought a big bottle of Southern Comfort for my birthday once. I pointed out that I never drink the stuff but he does. So the next day on the way home he stopped by the off licence and handed me a tenner, saying I could get something I liked. (That's more generous than it sounds because it was about half a week's wages for him at that time. Don't ask.) I popped into the shop and selected a bottle of wine that caught my fancy. Got back to the car and he said " But I don't like that". You don't have to like it, I said, it's my birthday present. He seemed to think this was a novel concept but since I put it like that, he couldn't really argue. I often hoped after incidents like this that he was learning about normal human interactions - a hope, alas, too often dashed.

Oh, concern for my health, don't get me started. I'd have become a proper hypochondriac if I'd given in more often than not. See, if I was in bed being ministered to, I'd be on call for blow-up doll duty, and as a bonus I wouldn't start fussing about the mess in the kitchen.

Annie that's funny, well it's not really is it

madameo I think all these men have 'health' problems don't you?

I remember when stbex and I first started going out I had just bought myself a coat from M&S. It was my birthday coming up and on the day of my birthday Stbex gave me a packet. I opened it excitedly only to find it was the coat I had just bought for myself, when I held it up money fell out to the value of the coat. Stbex said he was going to buy me the coat but I had gone and bought it ,( thereby spoiling his surprise and denying myself a decent present)so he was giving my the money. So basically it was my fault that I had bought myself a coat and he hadn't been bothered to find anything else.
I was literally speechless and he refused to understand why I was so angry.

Indeed. Easy to chuckle in hindsight, from a position of freedom.

This might be interesting for those of you with narc mothers

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

BB! Really? he wrapped up YOUR coat and put in the money for it?

You see, right there was a red flag! You'd spot it now!

My X, would buy whisky in the duty free every time. I told him (every time) that I don't really like whisky and perhaps we could get a bottle of vodka or some gin, or even both, to have more than one option.

He never did.

hissy they weren't just red flags they were blooming great warning sirens. enough to wake the dead. I KNEW he was wrong. But because I'd been disabused of any sense of self by my narc mother and always blamed for everything I somehow couldn't trust my instincts, or should I say didn't want to trust them.For some reason I thought he was everything she wasn't I thought I had found mr normal. He seemed so 'grown up' so sensible , so honest.
That's how cunning he is and how little faith I had in myself.
Now I can pick up on most people's personality traits without them saying much. I have instincts about people and I have never been wrong. It comes from a lifetime's worth of watching and dissecting myself and the abusers in my life.

See I always thought the narcissistic gift buying was a bloke thing - but it's not really is it? I got nothing for my birthday this year, not even a card from him. Not even a card from the girls. But usually it's something he wants or thinks I should have. Having said that I buy him duff presents too sometimes, but they are well meant.

Someone once said of dp - 'Now there's being a bit 'autistic', you can forgive that, but this isn't like that - it's something else'. Now I'm realising that he's narcissistic - and when he goes off on a tangent when he's speaking it's to keep the focus on HIM and away from the other person (usually me) and not because he's not able to empathise in a way that he can't control, like a person with autism for instance.

Now the lie-downs - I wonder if that's just a way to disempower you. In some ways it's a good idea to get rest and sleep, but far better to get it when the kids are asleep so you can be around for them when you wake up. Him sending you to bed sends a strong message to your kids that you can't cope. It also means that you've not got an excuse of tiredness later on for blow-up doll duty.

God these men really are all made from the same mould arent they? I would just like to add that my H shares ALL of the traits discussed above:

using his health problems as an excuse to avoid doing anything he doesnt want - check
using my "health problems" as an excuse to blame me for anthing he likes - check
acting as if my tiredness were a crime against him - check
no birthday presents, and the reason was my fault - check

bigbuttons yes the holiday clarified in my mind that we would be better off without him. The damage that he causes in terms of tension is too great to balance the positives (of course there are some positives). But they have lost their sheen now, they are things that we can do without.

We are in the business of bringing up healthy happy confident children, not children who get to eat what they want, get to go to bed without brushing their teeth or washing, get all the gadgets they want, get to use them when they want, get to watch the latest film even if it doesn't end til 11pm on a schoolnight. So the odd spot of fishing, beachcombing and sandcastle building they get out of it don't really weigh up. And doing your kids homework for them is not good parenting by the way darling. Grrr.

And we had some major conflicts on holiday - if there was an unclear decision it turned into a big row. He seems to keep plans as vague as possible and then steer them to what he wants. He'll stay in bed late in the morning (11.00ish) then it gets late so we only get to do half what we wanted. I tried looking at the triggers for the rows and they seem to be where things are unclear, there's a problem (say directions in the car). He blames me then I refute and it builds into a big row. I tell myself that this isn't a normal reaction. When there's a problem we try and find a solution right? Not make things worse so we can blame someone?

barbie I'm glad the holiday 'helped' It's interesting stbex goes BALLISTIC if i don't map read p'roperly' and we get "lost". I mean really mental. I think he is petrifiedof not knowing where he is because not knowing ids a loss of control and power. he always has to have his life regulated I always shrug and ask what the big dal is? So what if we're a bit lost we'll get there alright at some point. i refuse to read any maps for him at all anymore.
I rather like getting getting lost, it's interesting. i look upon it as an adventure, getting to know a new place a bit better!

He also gets up late. Although he has never come on holiday with his children even though he "really wants to you understand, would like nothing better. But he REALLY really needs that week off to recuperate and recharge his batteries. Maybe next year.... I share that pleasure with my loony narc mother. I can't moan too much because at least she comes, if she didn't the kids would never have a holiday
Holidays are a hoot, me 6 kids and a loony narc mother. She likes to shove as many ice creams down their faces as she can. She presents stbex with a big bill when she gets back of her 'expenses'. being a typical narc she is as mean as hell when it comes to spending money on other people but spends thousands on herself without a second thought. So she's quite happy to spend stbex's money
So she presents stbex with a bill and he goes mental in my direction. How the kids will think that gran is really wonderful and generous buying them all this crap on holiday and it is his money she is spending without any recognition of the fact. He goes apoplectic for quite a while infact.
I snigger quietly to myself

Once mother and took 4 of the kids to France. The youngest 2 weren't born. We stayed in some shitty apartment in Nice. When we got back home to the airport after an exhausting and arduous Journey home with 4 kids 5 and under we were looking forward to stbex meeting us in the arrivals area. The kids were really excited and were wanting to 'spot him' in the crowds.

The was no sign of him for a long long time. In the end he phoned me asking where the hell I was . I told him and he went mad. He had been waiting OUTSIDE the airport in the frigging car and blamed me for not going there! I pointed out that everyone knew where to meet people off a plane, everyone knew that. He denied it and was furious for being kept waiting. Once at home he embarked on a particularly cruel an pulling apart of my personality until i as crying and asking for his 'forgiveness' for my self unthinking behaviour re the airport. I didn't understand what was happening and what I had done wrong.
Tosser.

Sorry this has all been about me again, sorry Barbie

please excuse typos

big buttons... your dearest darling partner is a total shite. I recognise that cos mine was just the same.. a Tossere. We are no longer together and I am so much happier.
Fot those still in a living hell with abusive partners, its not always wise to stay put for the sake of the kids. If you're not happy they are not happy. ..
and they want to see mum happy..

Yep he's a total shite alright crispy I'm not hanging around don't worry!

Thanks crispyseaweed. It means a lot to be reminded of this. It is hard for me not to see it as normal so feel free to put it in perspective. x

bigbuttons of course it was your fault that he didn't go to the obvious place to pick you up at the airport. It's always your fault. My OH ALWAYS blames others for his mistakes - ALWAYS. We have satnav now and he even sets that up so I have to relay the information to him and then be WRONG about it. Idiot. Boy do we not need this.

Have had a wobbly and asked MN to remove some of my posts so sorry for the gaps.

Also so sorry to hear of all the horrid things happening to some of you recently. What's going on with the world??? It's all mad mad mad.

Things not great in ribbon-land at the moment but don't want to go into detail right now... Just logging on to remind myself I'm not alone and it's not me.

Soldier on everyone.

ribbons we're hear lovely. Talk when you're ready.