Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Wow wizbit, what an embarrasment!

P.S. Sorry, it's all about me isn't it?! Meant to say good luck with the police wizbit and enjoy your wine!

Oh dearwizbit you handled that really well, well done, how very embarrassing though!

Ribbons, I know exactly how you feel re the shopping stuff and the doing stuff with kids. The thing is that all this USED to eat into me like mad. Now i genuinely don't care. I do feel a rush of stress hormal when he kicks off of course, but I don't try to modify my behaviour any more. Infact i do things that i know will make him mad. These aren't things that would make a normal person mad of course, like eating crisps in the sitting room or bringing a guinea pig into the house.

Just now he has tried to have dig at me for forgetting to put oranges on the supermarket order
"have you ordered oranges?'
"dunno are they there?"
cue heavy silence followed by
" why have you ordered 2 lots of apples but no oranges? Oranges are the children's favourite fruit. It's not fair on them that you haven't ordered oranges, you are denying the children oranges, that's not good is it?.
I remain silent and potter about tidying up
"are you going to talk to me?'I remain silent. he follows me and says
"are you going to talk to me"
I remain silent
" Well then I am going to have to do something now if you won't talk to me"
I remain silent
A short time later I tell him I am always happy to talk to him but what never happens is talk, it's always an abusive tirade on my shortcomings. He says he hasn't done an abusive tirade in months, which is a lie. I ask him if he understands that verbal abuse isn't about swearing and name calling? He says he does not and would be happy to read up on some of the stuff I have been reading.
I pointed out that oranges were not the children's favourite fruit because left to their own devices they chose different fruit and why couldn't he simply admit is was HIS favourite fruit?
I also pointed out that I was not going to order oranges because he squirrelled them away in the cupboard if we got lots and if I bought more he would have a go at me for buying more so whatever I did I couldn't win.
He then told me stock rotation was part of my job and I should be doing it. Both he and his mother are obsessed with stock rotation.Once I cooked a big family roast dinner, both my mother and his mother were there. i cooked for loads of people without much help. I dished out the crumble and all he had to say was that I had used the wrong apples. Had I used the apples from the cupboard? Why? I should have used the apples from the fruit bowl. Why had I used the newest apples? Etc Etc. Both my mother and his were gobsmacked. I'm so glad he did it infront of them and they could see what he's like
He then mentioned something about us communicating through 'mediation' I said an emphatic no.

THIS is the kind of daily pointless shit I put up with, the constant chipping away. It's not big ranty stuff mostly it's this useless shit day in day out
I thought briefly about emailing some stuff on abusive men but I know it will be pointless.
Thanks for reading

ribbons, I think it is that I have realised that the script is always the same iyswim? Once you know the tactics and the line of attack it becomes quite easy to come out with the appropriate reply. I am getting better at it though he still does catch me out, but then i learn from that I remember it for next time.
He is getting twitchy, I can feel it. He expects certain things to happen and they are not happening. For 15 years he could have expected me to react in a certain way and it's not happening now.

I just saw a link to this article on another thread have you seen it already, it's very good
www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

I have just ordered the Patricia Evans book on verbal abuse, hopefully that will help.

bigbuttons - god, don't know how you managed to keep so cool. I would have been tempted to say - go buy your own f**ing oranges, gone out & bought enough oranges to fill all the kitchen cupboards.

humpty - so pleased exh didn't turn up

am speed reading - baby has reflux ... back later

v

In the meantime ...

If you see your ex in your garden covered in blood, don't panic, stay calm ... take a deep breath, focus, reload & fire again.

v x

ribbons keep posting and you feel free to PM me if you want to talk more...

You have come so far because you recognise what he is doing now... Keep going, stay strong, take one day at a time

Oh ribbons, no lovely things won't change,well not for the better. Don't be hard on yourself. The fact that you realise what is going on is a huge first step.
You know it's taken me years and years to understand what is happening. Once I realised HE was abusive and I wasn't all the things he said I was then i got stronger. Take the whole oranges incident I posted earlier. Now that's typical of him and even months ago I would have tried to make amends, felt bad about not ordering fucking oranges. Now I get annoyed a bit but not really. Stbex got one the kids to ask me this evening to please order oranges on the next shop. I said of course I would if I remembered but if I didn't then it wasn't the end of the world. See he's so cowardly he gets his kids to do his dirty work.
These men are shit bags.
One day you will get out, when you are stronger and feel ready. In the meantime I suggest you really get to know your enemy, get to know his strategies, understand his tactics and become really aware of when he is turning the screws. Awareness is the key here (( hugs))

Vivee, yes that is a fantasy of mine. I kept cool because that way he has no ammunition. If he gets me angry he feels he has the upper hand. Poor love is dealing with a mad deranged woman who gets upset over ordering oranges, look what he has to put up with!

found this email from stbex waiting for me this morning

"1. You mentioned yesterday that you'd be sending me some information regarding "abusive tirades" in "the literature". I would like to see any examples please as your definition would seem to be at odds with my notion of an "abusive tirade" and certainly at odds with any dictionary definition of either word. I have no option but to try understand your perception of "abusive tirade" as you seem to be using it as an excuse to shut down normal lines of communication ie. refusing to speak whenever it's convenient for you.

2. I think that we should look at our stocks of anything before ordering more, in particular fruit & veg because it goes off. I mention it because you said yesterday this was "too complicated". On Monday for instance we had 5 separate lots of tomatoes in the fridge, one unopened packet was 5 days past its sell-by. I can't think of a less complicated system than checking stocks before we buy more but maybe you have some ideas?"

Thoughts please

Reply:

"Dear H,

Here's an example of an abusive tirade "Fuck the fuck off, you twat, and when you get there, fuck off some more"

OK so not one of YOURS, STBX, but an abusive tirade, none the less."

God he's so passive aggressive isn't he?

buttons OMG, what is that all about. I think that you should just ignore it TBH... And sweetheart you need to get the hell outta there... Every day he is in your life, is another day of happiness wasted

buttons I don't think the email is worthy of a response, make sure you keep it though.

This HIM this is what he does day in day out. This is what's ground me down over the years, more than the physical stuff or the overt abuse, it's the subtle criticism of the things I do. He says I'm in charge of the house, I'm the boss and everyone, including him must do what I say etc but he constantly comments on how I'm doing my job, which he of course could do much better.
If I tell him to back of he accuses me of being a power mad bully .

And the other shit, but this drip drip stuff is the worst. He would claim he is being perfectly rational. That his requests are normal and anyone refusing to comply with his perfectly polite and reasonable requests is therefore unreasonable and in the wrong. What he doesn't seem to understand is that making abnormal requests in 'polite' tones does not make them normal.
It's so hard to describe him, how can you describe these 'conversations with anyone? I'm so glad he's writing it down and I can show you all.

I'm actually in a very good mood. I'm free of him, at least in my head. I woke up this morning happy to look at myself and my body for the first time in years. I've worked out I can just say NO. That never occurred to me before for some reason. Because I've won, I've won.
I did reply. I told him the answer to stock rotation was NO and it would stay NO. He could keep going on as I know he will but the answer will not change from NO.

bigbuttons keep those positive thoughts in your head, so pleased that you are at least feeling more positive

ribbons, you not contemplating doing any of this are you?

Listen I just realised that I can say NO. I can do it NO NO NO NO NO and NO again. Say what you like but the answers still NO
Say no, please, please. You will feel a million times better if you do. if you say NO what will he do to you? Nothing that's what.
He's turning the screws ribbons. Know your enemy

Thanks humpty When you realise you're about as low as you can get emotionally and that actually short of smacking me over the head with a spade and killing me he can't actually touch me any more. Even if he lifted a hand to me I'd go straight to the police, so I win again. I've nothing to loose. I've been cheery with the kids, having a real laugh. In my head we are free, we can eat chips and scoff ice cream and be happy.
Of course there will be many many grey days to come, but this feeling of sunshine is good.

I read an interesting article posted on here by a woman who got out of an abusive relationship and related that part of the reason she felt so awful was because she had completer adrenal burnout from all the stress she had endured over the years.
I am going to look for some adrenal supplements.

Do you know ( whilst I'm on a roll) that over the years I've bought umpteen self help books, all designed to make me feel more confident, be more likable, socially adpet etc. I bought supplements to help me sleep, stop me being exhausted, help me to be more cheery, give me energy. Bought loads of ridiculously expense creams to help with the tired sad face that stared at me from the mirror until I was no longer able to look at my ravaged self any more.
My hair started to thin. Once so so thick and busy, it was now normalish, not thick. Why was my hair falling out? I took MORE supplements, felt even more shit. I could go on and on and on and on. I felt I was falling to pieces and had no idea why.

Yesterday I understood it all, suddenly, it all tied up.
In this article I mentioned the woman talks about women coming out of abusive relationships and commonly having PTSD and adrenal burnout. It was a real lightbulb moment. There was nothing wrong with me as such I was exhausted from 15 years of living with an abuser. Now instead of feeling upset by my thinning hair and tired face and no sleep I feel KIND to myself, poor,poor bigbuttons, let's see how we can heal you. So last night I slept a semi decent sleep, the first semi decent sleep in months and months. I am metaphorically holding myself by the hand stoking my little face and starting to take proper nurturing care of myself. It feels bloody good. I am not new age type but by God I've been really really punishing to myself for a long long time. My mother's a narc btw I've just found that out.
Thank God for MN xx