Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Well, BB, if my husband dared to complain about what apples I used AFTER I had cooked a big company meal AND made dessert, I would whip his dessert plate away from him and say, "well, you won't want any then."
Chin up, ladies!

Maybe you can confound him by mowing the lawn before noon. Or after 4pm.

Or saying "can't be arsed, it must be your turn to do the mowing by now"...?

ribbonsandlace if it's your mother you're thinking about, maybe this link will be useful:

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder.html

Hello everyone,
I started a thread when I should have come here!
I will be back to read tomorrow.

wizbit that''s funny. Well ever since I told him I wasn't doing any sort of fruit stock taking he has been 'nice'. He doesn't ever do gushing out pourings but he has been as conciliatory as he can be , that is not being an arse.
When he's in non arsey mode is when I feel the most sad about it all. It's so easy when they're being swines isn't it?
usedtobepeedoff sorry that you find yourself here, but this is a very supportive thread and you are most welcome

Thanks bigbuttons
Good to read about all the strength and support to be found on here. I have recently had the - what do you call it - realisation that its him, not me. I kind of step into the shoes of someone in a decent respectful relationship (I know a few) to do a quick audit then think - nope, he's being an arse.

Should I repost here? Its a long one

Food in the fridge - oh yes I remember stuff around that (shudder)

Aaaargh he has texted me this morning about a house 150 fucking miles away that he obviously wants us to move into.
Yeh right I'm going to leave my nice wee place and DD's nursery which she is going into in August and go back to a life of HELL living with him. It was shit before DC's, it will be fucking purgatory with a DD.
I am NOT putting her through that.
The level of his denial is staggering.

usedtobepeedoff yes please do repost or link to your post

Marking my spot, left my ex last year, but recent events have made me think I would benefit from being on a thread like this

"snowmama* sometimes it helps just to talk about things that have been happening to you, helps to give you some perspective. if the tales told here ring any bells then maybe it would be a good place to vent as we all understand.

I'd echo that snowmama ^^

Thanks bigbuttons, this is my thread:
here

And my OP:

I've namechanged but posted many times about DP. I have the name which sounds like MadameBovary (dont want to be found as X knows my MN name)

I have been in an Emotionally abusive relationship for years, made the mistake of having a DC with him, we dont live together but he has messed with my head for years to the point that I minimised it massively and because I loved him.

Two things happened recently to change that. He displayed appalling behaviour as regards my seeing an old (male) friend and basically accused me of faking illness to get him out of the way so I could phone someone. (I asked him to go to the shop as I was feeling sick and I didn't answer my phone so he accused me of calling someone else)

This is no worse than any of the other stuff he has done, but lately something clicked in me and I "get" emotionally that I deserve better than this. I've been getting a lot of intensive support from an agency that supports victims of DV.
So I challenged him and said what he had done was unacceptable, detailing why, and that he should apologise. Profusely.

His response was to pick up on a minor detail and tell me I was wrong. Not a hint of an apology.

And today he had said we should just be friends. Only it's his version of a breakup where nothing actually changes (including FB status) but we stick a label on it "Friends" and everything is hunky dory. It's a punishment for daring to stand up to him, the threat of withdrawal.

He said if I wanted my keys back that was ok. So I said yes ok then give them back. It was at this point the EA really stepped up and he said "Oh we might as well split up properly then, cut all contact and I'll go to a solicitor re DD"

At this point you'd be thinking "Brilliant! Go for it!"
And I would, only this is when he would really turn on the nasty stuff. He would accuse me of being "unfriendly" and say that he had no choice but to act this way in return. (I know, been there before)

I am sorry if this is making little sense. I think he is NPD and need some help on how to proceed.

The good news is that I can FINALLY see what he really is, that there are no redeeming features, that he is an awful father (quote re his reasons for just being friends "I'm obligated but I dont want to FEEL obligated" ) angry and the opposite of what a loving, supportive partner should be.

So I am playing along, acting upset but actually delighted that he is removing himself a bit more from our lives. We dont live together and only slept together about once every six weeks or so and he never stayed over.

I feel like a prize idiot for taking so long to get to this place, but I'm here finally and FINALLY starting to think clearly. He really has done a number on me. So many people think we are a lovely couple (his public image is v. important to him) but our relationship is non-existent.

Believe me, if I knew that he would fuck off and never see me again, I'd be delighted, but he would never let that happen and has already proved that he's quite happy to use DD as leverage against me. My mental health is not brilliant but I've been slowly getting to a place where I'm putting him in a box and not letting him get to me, withdrawing slowly.
Advice welcomed.

hello ladies,

I have been off licking my wounds recently, but feel like I am starting to emerge from the worst of the shock and depression. I am on anti d's now and they are helping massively, still seeing the counsellor and have stopped crying all day long now - in fact I havent cried for a week. I am starting to enjoy moments in the day where I feel "free" to do whatever I want.

usedtobepeedoff Sorry you find yourself here, but welcome. I am just a few months ahead of you in this process, I have only recently "realised" about EA and what I have been living through the last 5 years. I sympathise a lot with your situation as 3 of those 5 years I spent not living with H, and it all being On/off. I then got pregnant and a year later we married and started living together and I thought things would get better once we were both properly "committed" to the relationship - I was very wrong. I think you are lucky that you realise now what is going on before your DD gets really affected. I am 4 months pregnant at the moment and H left last month. His favourite tactic is also withdrawing all love and threatening to end the relationship, its always worked really well for him in the past as its what I always dreaded most but this time I just let him go and I dont want him back. I have to say its a hard way to do things, because you dont have the same time to analyse the bad parts of the relationship, which i now see is really important because it helps you keep your resolve when it does finally end. When its all a bit quick and suddenly there are gone, its very easy to forget the bad stuff and start convincing yourself you want them back.

hello and welcome to snowmama too.

bigbuttons and wizbit* wow it looks like you are both really go through it at the moment, I am so sorry you have to deal with this level of stress. I have to say though that you both sound incredibly strong and brave, and its great that you can see really clearly what is going on, and what you need to do. xxx

ribbons did you read ItsmyPuppy's link? I just read that last week and realised my mother has NPD I read every page of that site and it felt like a lightbulb had been switched on and suddenly my whole life made sense!

Nicecupatea you are so right re forgetting the bad stuff and wanting them back, it's like the shock sends you into instant denial. When you are worn down THAT imvho is what holds you back the most.

nicecuppa so glad the anti d's are working and that you are feeling more positive. I too realised last week that my mother, whom I have always known to be manipulative and emotionally abusive, well she was, when I let her be, has npd. It was a shock, so much fell into place.
There was something I read that suggested male children of NPD types will most likely grow up to be abusers in their adult relationships, whereas female children of NPD parents are more likely to be the victims of abuse in their adult relationships.
I suspect many of us have NPD parent(s)

usedtobepeedoff someone on here (sorry forget who!) suggested I write a list of all the bad stuff H used to do, so I can read it when I need reminding. I havent done it yet, but I am ploughing my way through several books on abuse which always reminds me of H's behaviour and also my counsellor frequently reminds me of things I have told her about so I think that is what is making the difference this time - every other time we have split, I have found myself eventually excusing and minimising the bad behaviour.

bigbuttons I think my mums behaviour has a lot to do with why I live 8,000km from the UK! I still talk to her on skype almost every day though (she got a lot more involved in my life again after DS was born) and just knowing more about NDP has really helped already. I find it so much easier to ignore the dodgey comments and just smile and nod without feeling bad. I wish I had known about all this years ago.

nicecupa, I have plenty of stuff written down in gory detail and keep a secret blog too A few times I have correctly predicted what he will do next. It's a measure of how bad I was submerged that not even these written accounts could get through to me!
What really helped was prolonged exposure to happy, forward-thinking people in respectful, good relationships alongside being part of a group for victims of DV. I really think peer support is essential for gaining an informed opinion and really feeling in the end that you have free will and a choice, so big thanks to OP for starting this thread!

evening all

Don't really know what to say except not sure what is wrong with me... I just keep getting these massive waves of anger crashing over me. Just now I shouted at the kids and sent them to bed instead of letting them watch the end of HOme alone whcih they wanted to .. I'm not angry with them but when I feel like this I just don't know what to do with myself... everything really annoys me.
So many positive things have happened, I have lost half a stone in the last 3 weeks, got some new clothes which fit properly, I look healthy, bit tanned and a healthy glow, got my hair cut and done nicely etc etc etc, but still that bastard of my ex manaages to make me feel so mad.

What is wrong with me? What do I do about it? I see that when I keep really busy that I feel better, today is the last day of half term and kids are totally exhausted and winding each other up and it's raining, but that's no excuse

Freedom programme tomoorw should help I think.

Anyone else feel the same? I should be delighted that I got what I wanted, no contact at all with exH until he gets a solicitor and gets his act together, but I still feel like I'm mourning the end of the relationship, not the abuse, but the realisation that it's never going to work and that the last 10 years have been a failure, apart from 3 beautiful kids.
We went to the park yesterday and there were loasd of people out and about. Loads of couples and men with kids everywhere and me and my kids never had that... god I feel like I'm going mental

Anyone else identify with this or am I losing my marbles?

Yes I do and no you aren't!
So good to hear that you are being good to yourself. I completely get where you are with the anger. I get snappy at DD and hate myself for it.
There is nothing wrong with you, and you are not a failure. I know, because I feel that way too, and probably everyone else on this thread, but your reactions are totally normal, given what you've been through.
Its NOT your fault and it WASN'T you.

thanks usedtobe
It helps to know I'm not losing my mind!!!

HOpefully it will pass , in the meantime I'm having a wee drinkie here!!!

Have one for me please! (teetotal)

Do you have the book that goes with the Freedom Programme? Its great. That and Lundy Bancroft and it really helps keep you afloat when there is no-one to talk to and you feel dragged down by the weight of it all.

Oh humpty I DO completely understand what you're going through. Yes it is the horrible realisation that you have stuck with a relationship and it has not worked out.
I have looked at other families out and about for a long time now and felt sad, seeing the way the dads interacted with their kids.
Do you think you might be a little depressed? Quite understandably so. nicecuppa has found having ad's are helping her.
Don't feel too down on yourself re shouting at the kids. I get like that too at times, it's like the inner rage just comes spilling out. I feel shit afterwards and now I always apologise to them. My kids have been fighting horribly this half term and it drives me crazy more than anything else.
((hugs)) to you x

thanks bigbuttons, it helps to know you're not the only one iyswim!

If it doesn't pass in a few days, think I might get appointment at doctors or something... or at least organise some more sessions with support worker.

Feel bit better now, that's the wierd part, how it comes and goes so quickly

Anyway, off for a long hot bath

Thanks all for for the warm welcome. Have just finished reading the whole thread ... are these men all related ???

I am generally very content (and so much happier since splitting with my ex). But then he calls in a ranty, drunken manner, somehow manages to blame me for his lack of regularity of seeing the kids... he reguarly 'reports' me to the police and social services (they are getting a little sick of him now), and I realised this weekend that I am just bone tired, but I just don't know how to make it stop.

Re apologising for shouting - yes I do that. And if I dont DD will tell me to "say sorry for shouting Mummy" but she says sorry too if she shouts so that's one good thing i suppose.