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Original poster

Father doesn't want baby! He says abortion :'( :'( :'(

204 replies

badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 10:12

Im in a right mess. I am 34, single, two young children (2 and 4) and found out on Monday I'm pregnant again to someone I've only been seeing 4 months. Stupid I know, we used condoms and the 'safe time' after a period, as I was regular, but obviously caught out one weekend when I went to scatter my mother's ashes!! STUPID but it has happened and there's little point going over that now.

....what I want to know is, are there any other mothers out there whose partners initially didn't want their babies? Did they kick and fuss, then think about it, and come round to the idea????

He just says he doesn't want a baby and its a bad idea (which, yes, our lives aren't exactly great) but 'abortion' doesn't immediately enter my head as an option! If you're pregnant, you're pregnant that's it. Can you even HAVE an abortion just cos you're life's not bloody right????

I'm totally confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want a baby. But twice, he has said he doesn't know what he wants...he wants to keep it but he doesn't want to keep it.

He wouldn't come see me last night, said he needed to think. We talked on MSN and when I said I was going he asked me not to go, to stay and talk with him.

Then this morning, he sent me a text again saying he's sorry but he doesn't want a baby now.

Experience and insight needed pleeeese.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 10:13

The baby is in YOU. What do YOU want, b/c w/any decision you make, YOU will be the one most affected?

That's what you need to figure out.

nailpolish · 02/11/2005 10:15

has he said what he will do if you go ahead with the pregnancy?

Lonelymum · 02/11/2005 10:19

I think you need to think about what you want and whether you want him more or the baby more or whether you could cope alone with the baby, etc. Work it out in your head and then stick with your decision. he doesn't sound like he knows what he wants and there does seem to be a fair amount of nerves and shock going on in his head which may be clouding his judgement.

Bozza · 02/11/2005 10:23

Think you can have an early abortion just because you want one, ie no actual reason to be stated. But if you don't want one, don't have one. Lonelymum has good advice. He's obviously mixed up but aborting the baby is not going to simply get rid of the problem, there will still be emotional issues.

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 10:24

Its in me, it's my responsibility, I will be the one on crutches again for the best part of 9 months WITH 2 little kids (I get SPD) and MY life that will be turned upside down....but it's MY responsibility, I am prepared to deal with it as it's my own fault. Our own fault.

If I have an abortion, and he left anyway...I would be SOOOOOOO bitter. Is it a choice between a 'man' who may well clear off and leave me anyway, or a baby who is my offspring for life ?!?!?!?! How on earth do men think?????

Having said that, my life IS a mess already. But, I'm pregnant, I should deal with it.

I 'thought' yesterday he had said if I keep it we split and there's a chance for us if I don't keep it....BUT, that was via a text (!) and he said yesterday when I spoke to him that he didn't mean that. But to be honest, I really don't know what he's saying. This morning when I got the text, I thought he was saying it was over if I keep it...so I phoned him in floods of tears to ask him not to text anymore cos i can't stand it...and he asked what 'I' was trying to say....!?!?! "did you not just infer it was over?"..."no" he said

CONFUSED

I keep hoping he will change his mind, that he will come to be happy about it

OP posts:
Kelly1978 · 02/11/2005 10:29

I've been in that situation, except I had been with my partner slightly longer (just over a year). I had a 4yo, a 2yo and then fell pg unexpectly - contraception failure. DP insisted he didnt want a baby, tried to talk about abortion. He was really shell shocked at first, jsut wasn't ready to be a dad at all. Like you, I wouldn't have a abortion because my life wasn't right.

I gave him a few days to get used to it, then we sat down and I told him I was going ahead with the pg, and no pressure on him. If he wanted to leave, then fine.

I was prepared to go it alone if he walked out. Luckily he didnt. We now have twin boys aged 7 months - that was a shock! I look at them, and I'm so glad I have them, and would have even if he ahdn't been there. It has been bloody difficult, as the time wasn't right, but we're getting through it.

Kelly1978 · 02/11/2005 10:30

sorry pressed return to quick. I meant to add that if you dont want an abortion then don't do it, or you will regret it forever. I'm not anti abortion, but I believe there has to be a better reason than inconvinience.

Trickorflum · 02/11/2005 10:32

He has v. cold feet. If you want to keep the baby expect to bring it up on your own. If it turns out better great, but manage your expectations.

piffle · 02/11/2005 10:33

you can have one if you want one, the baby is in your body not his, he is jointly responsible but has none of the responsibility IYSWIM
Do not be bullied into it, however if you do feel that it is an option do go and see your GP or ask marie stopes clinic or similar for some counselling about it.
If you are brave enough to handle preg birth and bringing up the child on your own, tell him to bugger off if he cannot support you and you'll do it alone. But thats huge choice a hueg as an abortion.
good luck honey, you must feel wrung out just now.

Lonelymum · 02/11/2005 10:37

Sounds like you are clear in your mind that you want to keep the baby. Good. Now, let him know that that is what you have decided and let him make up his own mind about what he wants to do. I think it is good that one of you is clear about what you want as then it makes the other's decision simpler to make: he either wants you and the baby or he doesn't. If you both didn't know what you wanted, it would get very messy. Perhaps he needs you to be clear about your decision before he can be sure of his own? Anyway, good luck with it all. Hope it works out for you.

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 10:41

...I should add that he already has a son but his ex and her new partner 'won't let him see him' (they live a fair way away now and he used to have his son stay with him etc before he came up here)

He went mad at me yesterday for bringing this son up saying it was rubbing his face in it cos I know he can't see him - cos i didn't understand how he can have one kid he can't see and is taking legal advice over, yet he is adamant he doesn't want this one.

Making me wonder what the real story is I can tell you.

OP posts:
Kelly1978 · 02/11/2005 10:45

having a son he cant see, and a possible inborn child are completely different. I think it sounds like you could both do with a couple of days apart, with no talking to give yourselves time to think about what you want as individuals. Then you can discuss it together.
If he already has one estranged son, it may be that he is scared of repeating history. four months isn't very long to know whether a relationship is likely to be a permanant one.

RottenRhubarbWitch · 02/11/2005 10:45

I have had lots of emails from women who have been pressurised by partners, friends or family into having abortions and every single one of them bitterly regretted it. An abortion needs serious thought, you definitely need counselling and he does too, you both need to know how abortions are carried out, what to expect during and after, and you will need counselling after the abortion too. That's if you decide to have one. Most of the women who emailed me also stated that the partners left them anyway.

He should not be toying with your head like this, not whilst you are emotionally unstable anyway. It sounds as though he is not taking the full responsibility for what has happened, he can just swan in and out changing his mind at will whilst you are left to deal with your two children, contemplate a relationship that may or may not be on and also having to make one of the biggest decisions of your entire life! Are you sure you really want to be with this man anyway? Now you know what kind of support to expect whenever you have a crisis!

As others have said, it is YOUR choice, you will have to live with the consequences no matter what, and you will have to do it alone most likely. So you do what your heart tells you to do, because in this situation it doesn't do any good to be logical, logic will abandon you when you are suffering emotionally and psychologically because of a bad decision.

Kelly1978 · 02/11/2005 10:46

you sound so angry. I don't blame you, but you need the time away, because getting angry or defensive will only drive him further away.

Amanda1 · 02/11/2005 10:54

Message withdrawn

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 10:55

im not angry as such, just bloody confused. I've been getting myself in a right state, crying etc. but trying to be calm and reasonable with him cos i KNOW its messing him up too.

But, at the end of the day, this is MY life it's going to affect, one way or the other, for the rest of MY life. He can, and perhpas will, clear off and that's that.

I wish I had the strength to just say 'im keeping it, you're either around or your not'. This is going to be SO hard, having another baby on my own, and I will be losing the only relationship I've had for years. It was going so well

I'm just crying, crying, crying...don't know what to do. What a mess.

I'm cross at him for not being more 'grown up' about it, but I CAN see his point. I'm just scared, and I don't want to go it alone, but I also know this will probably happen anyway, but at least I will have a child to show for it (but then, being forever reminded of him etc.). Oh god, what a mess.

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 02/11/2005 11:04

I feel for you - my first was unplanned. Dh (who was dp at that stage and I had not been going out with him for long - a few months) was so shocked, he had to sit down when I told him. I made a decision very early on that I was going to keep it no matter what and then presented the facts to dp - I told him that if he wanted to stick around, that would be great but that I would understand if he buggered off because he didn't want kids (at the time). I think this shook him up a bit - he had a bit of space to make a decision and we've now been together for almost 6 years.

I agree with Kelly - he needs a bit of space to make his decision and think about the situation. But I do think you have to be realistic and you also need to stand your ground once you've made a decision. I also think his past experiences (with his ex) are colouring his judgement a bit.

Good luck.

beejay · 02/11/2005 11:09

Poor you for being in this difficult situation.
For what it's worth, I went ahead with a pregnancy despite ambivalence from partner of the time. Although we did stay together for a couple of years, and he has an okay relationship with her now (ie sees her once a week) to be perfectly honest he has remained pretty ambivalent.
I don't regret having her ( ovbviously love her dearly) but regret not giving her a 'proper father'... I do sometimes feel I should have waited to meet someone more commited and reliable.
But having said that I remember clearly at the time deciding that I was prepared to be a single parent which made it easier when he ( inevitably) let me down at a later date...
Good luck ... I know how hard it is to take a decision like that especially when your body is full of hormones...

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 11:10

Yeah, he got really mad yesterday saying I shouldn't have brought 'HER' into it. Didn't mean to pee him off, just he is so proud of his kid etc.

He sent me a text just now saying "I said I wouldn't leave i just don't want a baby thats it i no its not easy"

And, just now I've opened a letter to tell me they're stopping my tax credits and want £6k back (saying I never sent back my forms etc, I did cos I had to tell em I was bankrupt blah blah, more rubbish to sort). FFS does this crap never end

OP posts:
motherinferior · 02/11/2005 11:12

I think you have to assume you will be on your own, honey. And act accordingly.

I do know a bit what it is like; my first daughter was conceived 'semi-accidentally' after I had only been seeing her father for a few months. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and in our case the relationship did last (we now have two children, in fact) - but I also knew that I would press on alone. Which is also not an easy choice to make especially if you already have two children. I'm not anti-termination in any way, by the way.

sobernow · 02/11/2005 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beejay · 02/11/2005 11:15

A couple of further thoughts:

  1. I found the counsellors at Marie Stopes very useful and non-judgemental... they helped a great deal in coming to a decision

  2. I also had a termination when I was younger, mostly because it was the wrong time (I was 23 and just felt too immature/young) Don't regret it for a second, in fact I am still glad I did it!

beejay · 02/11/2005 11:17

Sorry I don't mean that to sound like everyone is too young at 23-- just that I was

edgetop · 02/11/2005 11:20

maybe you will give him strenth to want the baby, by telling him you are having it the decision has been made for him ,he is either with you or not, like its been said you are the one who will have to live with abortion for the rest of your life. i also can see his point he has lost one son almost, that must really hurt him, i think give him time to get his head round it.good luck i think you are very brave.

expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 11:22

'He sent me a text just now saying "I said I wouldn't leave i just don't want a baby thats it i no its not easy"

Um, you know, from my point of view, that's just not a very nice thing to say to someone whose pregnant w/your child. 'I just don't want a baby'. Okay, fair enough, so then have a vasectomy. Otherwise, be mature and accept that accidents happen.

I just don't want to pay rent, council tax, taxes, etc. You know what? Too damn bad! That's part of living in the UK.

I think you need space on your own to make a clear decision for YOU. NOT pressurised or bullied by him, b/c as others have pointed out this is never good for your own emotional health.

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