Father doesn't want baby! He says abortion :'( :'( :'(

[badmothertoo]

Im in a right mess. I am 34, single, two young children (2 and 4) and found out on Monday I'm pregnant again to someone I've only been seeing 4 months. Stupid I know, we used condoms and the 'safe time' after a period, as I was regular, but obviously caught out one weekend when I went to scatter my mother's ashes!! STUPID but it has happened and there's little point going over that now.

....what I want to know is, are there any other mothers out there whose partners initially didn't want their babies? Did they kick and fuss, then think about it, and come round to the idea????

He just says he doesn't want a baby and its a bad idea (which, yes, our lives aren't exactly great) but 'abortion' doesn't immediately enter my head as an option! If you're pregnant, you're pregnant that's it. Can you even HAVE an abortion just cos you're life's not bloody right????

I'm totally confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want a baby. But twice, he has said he doesn't know what he wants...he wants to keep it but he doesn't want to keep it.

He wouldn't come see me last night, said he needed to think. We talked on MSN and when I said I was going he asked me not to go, to stay and talk with him.

Then this morning, he sent me a text again saying he's sorry but he doesn't want a baby now.

Experience and insight needed pleeeese.

Don't have an abortion unless YOU want one.

Certainly don't have an abortion to keep him - if you have a termination and you don't want one, you will regret it and you'll hate him for making you do it, so you won't want him around anyway.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Sounds like a prize w(nk, sobernow. Cannot believe people this immature go around like this w/o a second thought for whom their behaviour affects.

Sorry you're going through this BMT. I'm a regular but changed my name as this is personal stuff and not mine, so I didn't think it right to post under my name. Sorry for the bizarre name - it was the first thing I saw when thinking of what to call myself.

My dh was with someone 6 months or so when she announced to him she was pg. Slightly different to your situation, she had deliberately stopped taking the pill and not told him. He was totally shocked. She had not discussed with him, she already had 2 young children (not dh's), they were struggling financially, not getting on terribly well - in fact he was thinking of ending it - and he didn't want to have a child with her. He was stunned by her announcement and asked her to have a termination, but she had left it long enough to tell him that it was too late for her to have one.

He now says that he was so shocked that it was a reaction. He couldn't see at the time how they could afford another child, he was angry that she had taken the choice of whether he became a father or not away from him, one minute he's thinking of leaving her, the next he's going to be tied to her forever. This isn't the same as your situation though, I know.

However, he decided to stay with her and try to make the most of thing, and he says that as the pregnancy went on, the shock of what had happened wore off and he started to get used to the idea and got excited when the baby was due. He was there when she was born, cried and held her and has adored every little bone in her body ever since. I can see no difference in the way he is with his daughter and ours.

I hope this helps a little. Despite the way dh's daughter was conceived and his initial reaction, he is a devoted and loving dad and would not be without her now.

My p was equivocal to say the least about our second - planned - child and I know how you feel. Having had mc the previous year there was no way I was going to lose it and I am so glad I kept going. P and I are still together though times have been really hard, and I am delighted to be having another child on Christmas Day, come what may.
As an aside, I can quite understand you must have been in a really low place, we scattered mum's ashes about this time last year, and it's terrible.

I can see i'm gonna be on here alot.

I KNOW I should be strong, people say I am strong cos I come over that way, but deep down i'm not. Robbie Williams' 'Strong' is gonna be played at MY funeral!!

You've all been so helpful, keep it coming please.

Pregnant, tax credits gonna stop...and just got another text from ex (of two girls) saying he's gonna have to reduce his payments to me by £100 a month cos he's struggling financially. He recently moved in with someone and her daughter.

FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyone know any communes we can go and live on????? Get away from all this.

Ok, lovely story from Yellow Pages

Please listen to Rhubarb. I've known too many people who were forced into a termination by partner or family and every one of them regrets it now. I'm not saying not to do it but make the decision based on you, your life and what you want.

Maybe it is just a shocked and confused reaction from him, but these things happen and he has to grow up. Take a couple of days apart to consider this and then get togeather for a sensible discussion.

Best wishes BMT

typing error: didn't mean to say 'ok, lovely story'started writing and then stopped, then forgot.

wonderful story from Yellow Pages, and congrats Ninah

My thoughts are maybe he just needs time for it to sink in. Try not to badger him too much, it maybe your body but it took 2 to make it etc!! Give it a rest and let him come to terms with the idea. You do need to decide what you are wanting to do.

Message withdrawn

Ok, financially, get your papers together and appeal with the Family Tax Credits, you should actually get more if your ex is going to start paying you less, you'll also get more should you decide to have this baby, and your partner will have to cough up too. So financially there shouldn't be an issue.

Emotionally, you seem to be laying a lot of blame and importance to your partner here. What do you think? We all know what he thinks, but you need to take a bit of time out by yourself, pondering this whole thing quietly. We can all give advice until the cows come home, but it's your decision and no-one can make it for you.

Even if you do decide to terminate, after going through all of this, would you still want to be with this man? This is not the only relationship you are capable of, you deserve someone supportive. Having kids does not put people off, it narrows your choices by getting rid of all the non-commital shithead types.

So if I were you, I would just assume that whatever I decide to do, I am doing it alone. You need to reach a decision that you can face, and cope with, alone. So stop opening your mail for a sec, leave your mobile alone, go for a walk and have a really big think.

Only just pregnant.

Started thinking, I should have been on by now...nah, i wonder...was feeling really tired and stuff making me feel sick etc so did a test soon as I could. REALLY thought it was a formality, to say i wasn't. Didn't even do it straight away, was so convinced I knew it was negative...had a cuppa first. Then the two lines appeared and I just sat and stared.

I really, really wish he would be happy. That he would come round. But, I don't know, just seems so bad.

I am seeing me single. If I could skip the few weeks of 'hurt' after finishing a relationship that 'was' good and who I still care very much for, if I could be strong, I reckon I would you know. When he turned up yesterday, I couldn't even look at him, but he came over and put his arms round me and gave me a kiss. Same when he went. I just think he's gonna resent me for making him be a dad again, be a misery and relationship will end anyway ... so....

Everyone will look at my situation and when they find out will think what an idiot.

YOU didn't make him be a dad, honey. HE did that. Takes two to tango, you know.

don't worry about other people - including him -atm. what people think is neither here nor there, it's you living your life
think of yourself and your other children and decide based on that

...but if I keep it, I am making him be a dad against his wishes.

Deep down I know I should tell him, look im having it, you're either around or not. And, maybe in a few days, after I've come to terms with things myself, I will have the guts to do it.

So you are going to get an abortion because you are afraid that people will think of you as an idiot and because you feel guilty about 'forcing' him to be a dad again?

Where do you fit into this?

If you really wanted an abortion, you wouldn't be posting all of this would you? Are you still hoping that he'll be around if you did get an abortion? What if you did actually want children with him sooner or later? What if the whole relationship falls by the wayside anyway? How would you feel if you had the abortion just to please him and a whole load of other people?

I'm sorry, but I really can't help you here. No-one can. Only YOU can help yourself right now. Stop thinking of others, they don't deserve your thoughts, think of YOU.

Rhubarb, no I am certainly NOT going to get an abortion cos of what people will think, not even him. Abortion never even entered my head until he started going on about it. My life IS a mess. I am TRYING to be responsible and do the right thing.

Is it more responsible to have the baby because I got pregnant, or to not have it because I am already single with two kids, bankrupt, will be losing my house in 12 months and struggling to run a business, prone to severe depression and emotionally unable to cope with the two i have at times, recently lost my mother, no support except childminder. My situation is dire. Is this right and sensible to bring a child into, even if I want to????

I do not want an abortion. I do not. But, I HAVE to accept that it might just be plain stupid to go ahead with this. But, I am also of the mind that you make your bed etc... so this is why i am so bloody confused. The 'father' in this is just making things worse because it would help if i had his support.

My decision is going to have to be based on, can I cope ALONE with another baby in my current situation. I want to be objective and logical, but unfortunately I cannot see the wood from the trees. I have nobody, except this guy. Now I'm gonna lose him, the only positive emotions/experience I have had for years. The prospect of losing that isn't something I relish, whether or not I am pregnant.

I do not 'want' an abortion.

...and if I 'had' his support I would not be having to contemplate abortion would I.

If he was happy about it, I would be so pleased. You cope with what life deals you, we would fit it in our messy life...but fact is I don't think he's gonna be there, or not happy with it anyway. So, that's why its difficult.

If he suddenly turned round and said yes, fantastic. Deal with it.

I had an abortion myself when I just started my final year at uni and to this day I think it was the right thing to do.

I hope I don't get shot down but would abortion be a terrible thing?

However, you have to do what is best for you and your family.