Father doesn't want baby! He says abortion :'( :'( :'(

[badmothertoo]

Im in a right mess. I am 34, single, two young children (2 and 4) and found out on Monday I'm pregnant again to someone I've only been seeing 4 months. Stupid I know, we used condoms and the 'safe time' after a period, as I was regular, but obviously caught out one weekend when I went to scatter my mother's ashes!! STUPID but it has happened and there's little point going over that now.

....what I want to know is, are there any other mothers out there whose partners initially didn't want their babies? Did they kick and fuss, then think about it, and come round to the idea????

He just says he doesn't want a baby and its a bad idea (which, yes, our lives aren't exactly great) but 'abortion' doesn't immediately enter my head as an option! If you're pregnant, you're pregnant that's it. Can you even HAVE an abortion just cos you're life's not bloody right????

I'm totally confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want a baby. But twice, he has said he doesn't know what he wants...he wants to keep it but he doesn't want to keep it.

He wouldn't come see me last night, said he needed to think. We talked on MSN and when I said I was going he asked me not to go, to stay and talk with him.

Then this morning, he sent me a text again saying he's sorry but he doesn't want a baby now.

Experience and insight needed pleeeese.

bmt, i very nearly had a termination with my dd.

its a very long and complicated story but i basically knew dd's daddy for years. we had been together for a time. split up and got back together a couple years later. things went on, i found out i was pg. he wanted me to terminate (he couldnt force me to)...but im not the sort of person who will ever do something because someone else wants me too. i was already a single mum and i didnt think for one minute i would cope with another child. i was happy with my life. i didnt want to change nappies, get up for night feeds, push a buggy etc etc. i had a full time job i liked and everything was rolling along lovely. to me, the best and most sensible idea was to terminate the pg. so i made the appointment.

but somehow between the time i found out and the appointment i started to love this baby. i didnt want another baby, but i still loved her if that makes any sense at all.

the weeks went on and by this time i knew either way that our relationship could not be saved. if i had the baby i knew he would leave me. if i didnt, he may have stayed...but i knew i would resent him for not wanting this child and we would split up anyway.

so i thought, well, i could not consider the relationship anymore, it no longer came into it. it basically came down to "do i want this baby?" yes, i did. i would not have planned it but i wanted it. i told him i was keeping the baby. he then buggered off with his ex. i cried for two weeks solid, from the moment i woke up to the moment i went to sleep. i panicked and at my first anti-natal appointment i broke down to the midwife. she fetched my doctor. my doctor knows my history of depression. i told her everything. she turned to me and said "yes i agree, logically, in your situation a termination would be best....but emotionally...i know you want this baby". i still booked another termination but i never attended. somewhere i found the strength to continue.

i also thought that he would come round when the baby was born, it was the thing that kept me going through the next lonely 6 months...im glad i thought it although it never happened.

my daughter is nearly two now and he refuses to meet her. i havent spoken to him since she was two weeks old. he changed his number. he lives with his other little family. his parents do not want to know me or my daughter.

for me, he never came round but thats not to say it couldnt happen. strangely enough, my close friend was left on her own pregnant at the same time and when the baby was born her ex did change his mind. there's no way of knowing what will happen.

i never had the medical problem that you do but i have the depression and i still got by. its so hard at times but you find strength you never knew you had or could have. fwiw we are happy now. i sacrificed a lot. i lost my life as i knew it. but i dont, for one minute, regret keeping her. i fully sympathise with what you are going through...its turmoil...its not knowing where your head is anymore, weighing up pros and cons. i was looking through some old papers the other day and i actually found a list of pros and cons that i wrote. there was hardly anything there to side with me keeping this baby. but i did and life is ok.

so what i guess, in my ramble im trying to say is, no matter how bleak it may look, things turned out good for us in the end.

if you really want to terminate then that is your choice...im not against it at all. but if you want this baby then have this baby. please dont feel forced into something you may regret.

if you want to cat me im happy to tell you the full story. i wish you all the best xx

QV - Very true!

I got pregnant and didn't find out until BF and I had split up.

He told me he didn't want it and if I had it he wouldn't have anything to do with us.

I did consider being a single mum, but was new to my job and I guess ultimately I wasn't ready. I did have a 1 bed flat, but I didn't want a child in there. In fact, having a baby had never occured to me.

I did have an abortion. I have no regrets. I now have a lovely husband and a beautiful, happy daughter who has a great dad who wanted her and loves us both dearly

I'm so glad I made my choice.

and i know what you mean about the what ifs...i do. i had them all...but sometimes its ok to follow your heart and ignore your head. i totally ignored my head in the end and im so glad i did. sometimes we take risks in life. having a baby is a HUGE thing, with or without a partner. there are no get out clauses or guarantees. just make sure that whatever you do..it is really what you want, thats all, i guess, anyone can say. we cant tell you what is best. its your call.

Toothache...whatever. Not even going to bother repeating myself if you can't read things right. And you know what, I hope the decision IS taken out of my hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NightOwl - thank you! This is the sort of support I was after, thank you xxxx

bmt...you know, i used to wish that aswell..i said that i wished the decision would be taken from me. i guess then i would have felt like it was fate. i dont know toothache personally but im sure she didnt mean any harm, she was very supportive to me when i made my first ever post around two years ago, in fact she's the only one i remember sticking up for me. its a very difficult time. are you on msn at all bmt? i'll be on later if you fancy a chat.

hi nightowl, toothache started off supportive and then, somewhere along the line it all went wrong! Her posts said I had obv decided for abortion which, if she had read mine properly, i clearly had not and this upset me a great deal as its the last thing i need.

i am on msn, and it would be nice to chat but i would send you my addy via an email, not on here.

Got my children home now so will be around later on.

ok well i tried to cat you but you have the block on, i dont, so cat me then chat later if you want to. i'll be back after ive been shopping....(groan) i'll be here about 10.30. feel free to add me to your msn. if we dont speak sooner.

Hi NightOwl...have figured out what 'cat' is lol and changed the preferences, so you should be able to contact me now. I filled out a form for you but, if I understood right, MN have to forward it to you and that would mean tomorrow now.

Maybe catch u later.

I really wish that my website was up and running but it isn't just yet, major problems it seems!

I feel very sad by this thread and by some of the responses here. Wish people would use the preview button first and just re-read their messages before they sent them!

All I can add is what I have said before, that the women who have emailed me about abortion, were those who were unsure but felt obliged to have one due to pressures from people, finances, etc, and they carried that burden with them, they regretted it dearly and were forever thinking "what if", I sincerely hope that if you do go down this road, you are not one of them.

You must ensure that you get counselling BEFORE and AFTER an abortion, because you will need both. Again from what I have been told, some women's counselling sessions were skipped, or questions were merely ticked off. You need to talk face to face with someone who knows what they are talking about, someone who does not work for an abortion clinic - your GP will know of someone and can get you an appointment pronto if you mention all this to them.

As a mother, I have yet to meet a single person who has regretted a decision to keep their babies, no matter what the hardship they endured because of them. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, it is a fact and if you are thinking of both options, you need to remember the positives of having a baby too. Again, you need to talk to someone about your health problems, can they be resolved? You can take anti-depressants whilst pregnant and there are various treatments now on offer for PND. Again my website listed them all! Bugger!

I don't think that coming on here is really helping much. I am concerned that you should by now be making appointments with various Health Officials and counsellors to talk face to face with them. Only when you have spoken to people in the know will your mind be clearer. We can advise based on experiences of ourselves and others, but everyone's experiences are different. You need cold hard facts, and you need to speak to professionals to get those.

Please let your next message be that you have made those appointments.

temporary name change because of personal info - had an early medical abortion yesterday at Marie Stopes centre. I was very clear that this was the right decision for me, and my partner agreed, so I didn't have any of the difficult emotional, health and practical worries that you have, BMT. I'm certainly not trying to advise you - I agree with what others have said,that you need to make this decision for yourself (though from reading your recent post - do hope that you are OK). Just wanted to reassure you that, if you do go somewhere like the Marie Stopes clinic, the first thing they do is a scan to see if/how far pregnant you are, and then ask you if you would like counselling. I did not, but the staff were all wonderful and non-judgemental, and I feel sure that you could talk to a counsellor there who could help you to decide what you want. Don't think that, just by going to the clinic, you will feel pushed to have an abortion.

I'm worried about them 'asking' if you would like to see a counsellor, shouldn't counselling be priority? If not necessary? You were fairly sure that is what you wanted, but what if someone was not so sure? Too frightened to speak out?

I really do believe that counselling should be compulsory whether you think you need it or not.

I posted my message before seeing yours of 8:46, Rhubarb, which stresses the importance of counselling. I agree. I believe counselling should be available to all women in this position (but I don't see how 'compulsory' counselling could work - I didn't say I was 'fairly sure', I said I was 'very clear' - no doubts,no qualms.) Certainly for you, BMT, if you have even a shadow of a doubt about what to do (and it seems clear you do), then I think counselling is a must. You will be able to 'think things through', out loud, in a way in which this site, for all its strengths, can't replicate.

So,this medical termination,sorry if I am going slightly off track but I am curious as to what happens,I have had a "normal" termination before,what happens now with the medical termination,do you not have to be put under a general anaesthetic anymore?Does anyone know?I'm not pregnant,and probably wouldnt choose to abort again if I was but was wondering if this new "system" is somewhat any easier to go through than how it used to be??

Also,yeh,was wondering if badmothertoo had come to a decision,hope things are becoming somewhat clearer for you.

Oh ok,thanks,I guess that would be alot easier to go through than having to go to a clinic and well go through it the usual way,I was ok with it when I went for the termination,but out of the blue when I came round from the operation I burst into tears,so I suppose this way you feel less like you are aborting your baby dont you,I would have thought?

Not that I am pro-abortion,I wouldnt go through it again myself.

Sorry,and obviously I am not saying that any form of termination is easy,just to make that clear.

Hi, I'm not adding any advice or opinions on abortion, just an answer to your question BMT about father's reactions. My situation is completely different, I found out i was pregnant a month after getting together with my BF, who IS NOT the father of the child. Abortion was not an option for me, and I told him it was his choice what he did, fully expecting him to walk of course. But he didn't. He was just as screwed up and confused and scared as your DP, and he was very clear from the beginning that he had no idea how he would handle me having someone else's child, but that he had fallen in love with me and wanted to take things a step at a time.
We are still together, not as a family (ie we don't live together), my dd is 2yr3mo, and in spite of an initial shock & wobble after her birth (which in fact as well as adjusting to new sort of relationship, was because she was so adorable it broke his heart that she wasn't his ), he absolutely adores her now and things are going well. One day when we are ready we will "settle down" and maybe have a child of our own.

I know this is just telling you my story, but I thought that it might be a bit relevant in terms of men's reactions . My BF isn't even my dd's father, but he "came round" to me having a baby. He only said once "You do have another option, you know" but utterly respected it was my decision. In a big way it is easier for him because he's not the father and hasn't had to take on any responsibility, but in another big way it would have been even harder for him because of that. I hope i'm making sense... Also I once read that it is harder for a father to connect with the fact that he is having a baby until it is actually born, whereas a mother has the baby living & growing inside her first for 9 months. It was exactly like that for me and my BF, he admitted once to not even thinking much about there actually being a baby one day! (Whereas i thought about it constantly of course.)

I think it is perfectly reasonable that a guy freaks out and is as confused as any woman would be, and I think the decision and power being completely out of his hands must make that very hard too. It's hard for a woman to make a decision, but I wonder if it isn't just as hard not having the power to make a decision? I think it is great that he is still in contact with you and obviously trying to be honest with you about his feelings, as my bf was - he never promised anything. As someone else has said, better than promising the moon and backing out later. Difference with you two is, if he is to support you it ought to be 100%, whereas in my case my bf just had to continue being my bf... it is clear that you need to make your decision and his decision (ie whether or not to continue in the relationship with you) follows that.

Sorry, i feel like this post is all higgledy piggledy and doesn't make sense, hope you make some sense of it! All the best whatever you decide, I am feeling for you.

Badmothertoo, I hope you are OK tonight. Just to redress the balance, thought pass on that I know women who have had abortions who have never regretted it for a moment, or needed post-abortion counselling.

If that is what you decide is best for you, then don't let scare stories put you off. Sometimes it is just a huge relief - a positive decision in terms of resolving a difficult or tragic situation.

Like everyone says, it's what you feel and what you decided that is important. You'll get support here whatever you decide.

'thought I'd pass on'

I agree with Edam.
And I speak from personal experience.

I've read this with interest and hoped you might like a man's point of view.
You shouldn't make this decision based on whether you think your man will stay or not. Even if he's happy with whatever your decision is, things may not work out with him anyway as with any relationship.
Have some time apart from dp, work out if YOU want another child. Assume that you'll be bringing them up alone and then make your decision. If he decides to stay, then bully for him, if not then he's no big loss is he?
BTW most men instinctively think selfishly, especially when dealing with big decisions and take time to think about the bigger picture.