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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Father doesn't want baby! He says abortion :'( :'( :'(

204 replies

badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 10:12

Im in a right mess. I am 34, single, two young children (2 and 4) and found out on Monday I'm pregnant again to someone I've only been seeing 4 months. Stupid I know, we used condoms and the 'safe time' after a period, as I was regular, but obviously caught out one weekend when I went to scatter my mother's ashes!! STUPID but it has happened and there's little point going over that now.

....what I want to know is, are there any other mothers out there whose partners initially didn't want their babies? Did they kick and fuss, then think about it, and come round to the idea????

He just says he doesn't want a baby and its a bad idea (which, yes, our lives aren't exactly great) but 'abortion' doesn't immediately enter my head as an option! If you're pregnant, you're pregnant that's it. Can you even HAVE an abortion just cos you're life's not bloody right????

I'm totally confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want a baby. But twice, he has said he doesn't know what he wants...he wants to keep it but he doesn't want to keep it.

He wouldn't come see me last night, said he needed to think. We talked on MSN and when I said I was going he asked me not to go, to stay and talk with him.

Then this morning, he sent me a text again saying he's sorry but he doesn't want a baby now.

Experience and insight needed pleeeese.

OP posts:

Amanda1 · 03/11/2005 12:59

Message withdrawn

Mojomummy · 03/11/2005 13:00

my friend got pregnant by mistake & found out after the 'relationship' ended. She had an abortion because she didn't want to be a single mum & she didn't want to go on benefits/stop smoking/stay in & go through the pregnancy alone. And also because she woudn't be able to offer it what she wanted it to have - a good dad.

She found it very hard to make the decision.

ALthough she is upset she wasn't in a position to go ahead with the pregnancy, she is relieved she isn't going to be a mum at this stage.

IMHO I wouldn't have a baby that wasn't wanted by it's dad - I never had a good relationship with my father & that's something I desperately wanted in the event that I had children. Of course you never know how things may turn out...

I think, as has been mentioned, this is about what you are happy with.

NotActuallyAMum · 03/11/2005 13:03

Can't say any more than has already been said but I'm interested in why you call yourself "badmothertoo"? You don't sound like a bad mother to me - quite the opposite in fact

Don't be so hard on yourself

Flossam · 03/11/2005 13:12

I haven't read this all, so I am probably repeating everything. But this happened to me. I had to do a lot of heart searching. It definately wasn't a case of wanting a baby more than DP, it was a case that I had no real reason to have an abortion (good job, good mat pay etc), I was in a stable relationship, had a home with that person. The main factor was though that I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. Dp was in disagreement with me over this and threatened on several occaisions to leave me if I didn't have an abortion.

In the end I made plans and arrangements to get my own flat. I decided if he would threaten to leave me over this then what was to stop him doing the same in 6 months/year. I also knew that if I were to follow his wishes I would not be able to continue the relationship for hating him.

I discussed all of these plans with him and arranged to move out the next day. He then realised that I was important to him and that the only way to 'keep' me was to accept the baby, which, although he is no angel always, he did very well, and was generally supportive thoughout my pregnancy. I hope this helps you, I remember viviadly what a horrible time it is.

Toothache · 03/11/2005 13:17

FLossom - Fantastic post! I trully believe that I could not live with any man that would threaten to leave me if I didn't have an abortion!!! If its not what you want to do, how could you possibly live with the decision and love the man that forced you into that decision?

I've never been there thankfully, but he is hurting you SO much just now and it is unforgivable of him to behave this way.

anorak · 03/11/2005 13:22

Easy, I'm sorry my remark offended you. I don't think I meant it in quite the way you've taken it.

I was thinking about how panicked this man sounds. From what badmothertoo (please change that name!) is saying, it sounds as if he isn't simply in total opposition to having a baby, but rather that he is somewhat shocked and no wonder! So is she, I think! People need time to get used to things. Perhaps he will still not want a baby in a few weeks' time, but maybe once he's had time to think about he might feel very differently.

A woman can't have an abortion in order to please a man if she feels so opposed to it.

anorak · 03/11/2005 13:25

And I also think that it's difficult to phrase any remarks on this subject in a way that really expresses accurately how one feels. Everything is open to misinterpretation, political incorrectitude and therefore upsetting someone.

Easy · 03/11/2005 13:26

Anorak,

No you didn't offend me, I was AGREEING with you!!!

He doesn't sound like such a bad bloke to me, he sounds like a bloke who is shocked, upset, and aware that he can't cope with having a child at this stage in his life.

Better that than just b%ggering off, or going along with you on having the baby, then running out later.

Original poster

badmothertoo · 03/11/2005 13:27

I call myself BadMotherToo because a few weeks ago i came on here in total desperation after a very bad weekend with my girls - I get very stressed out when they're fighting etc and I feel I can't do anything right...but this weekend was particularly bad and I was so close to ringing their dad and saying they should live with him cos I couldn't cope and I wanted to disappear

Day or so after, back to normal and put a few changes in place and now girls not half as bad with some things. Wondering if it was pre-menstrual...but now...maybe it was something to do with pregnancy hormones?!?!?

I generally feel I am a bad mother, I try, I really try but everything always backfires - see current situation!!!!!!!!!

However, I do try do something about it so that's why asked doc for Health Visitor details and parenting skills classes etc. Get some control once and for all.

OP posts:

Toothache · 03/11/2005 13:27

To be perfectly honest I think SO WHAT if he doesn't 'come around' to the idea!! Thats his loss. I am pretty opposed to abortions in general (although MN has opened my mind a bit), so the thought of someone terminating a pregnancy just to keep a man (a man that isn't worth it if he can be so horrible) is quite upsetting to me.

It is a shock to find out you are pregnant..... but badmotherstoo's reaction seemed to be more "Oh lets think of how we'll manage"... not "Oh well, I can solve this problem with an abortion" like her DP reacted.

aloha · 03/11/2005 13:29

I don't think anyone here - least of all BMT - is suggesting that she has a termination to keep a man. She is considering it because of her health, financial and family issues.

Flossam · 03/11/2005 13:29

I feel I should also add, too to agree with Anorak that I feel at lot of his unpleasentness was because he felt very powerless. I also feel that as horrible as it was, he over prepared for the arrival of DS, so when he did get here he was pleasentely surprised how lovely he was and how little his life changed (to start with anyway!!). A friends DP however, accepted the pregnancy like a true gentleman and then flipped out big time when baby got home and the responsibilty and hard work set in. It may all work out, but I would urge you to do what you feel you want to do.

(thanks TA!!)

Original poster

badmothertoo · 03/11/2005 13:30

...and I'm currently reading 'Memoires of an Unfit Mother' by Anne Robinson...very interesting and making me sit up a bit!!

OP posts:

anorak · 03/11/2005 13:30

Good!, don't want to offend anyone!

I really feel that most of us find life hard at the best of times and these two people have reached one of the toughest points, probably, in either of their lives. No wonder they are both struggling to work out what is for the best.

At the end of the day my advice would be to do what you feel in your heart is right. In your case, bmt, that would mean keeping the baby by the sound of it.

It sounds to me as if you will feel terrible all your life if you don't.

Flossam · 03/11/2005 13:31

by he i mean my dp not yours! Sorry unclear.

Original poster

badmothertoo · 03/11/2005 13:37

To confirm, I am NOT going to make my decision based on whether he is around or not.

SPOT ON: My attitude IS : "Oh lets think of how we'll manage"... not "Oh well, I can solve this problem with an abortion"

But sadly, I have to acknowledge that I probably cannot cope, particularly DURING the pregnancy itself - the SPD is a major factor, if that didn't stand between now and 9 months time, be a little easier. My pelvis is clicking already

OP posts:

Toothache · 03/11/2005 13:38

Well Aloha - Going by the thread title.... its very much that HE wants her to have an abortion or he'll leave!
I didn't say anything about any other poster advising her to have an abortion to keep her man. I was posting purely on the title and the 1st post!

aloha · 03/11/2005 13:43

Yes, but nobody is considering having a termination 'to keep a man'. And as far as I can see, he's not 'threatening' BMT, and he is very mixed up in his feelings, which isn't really that surprising IMO. Sad, yes, but not that surprising. There is a lot involved her - the relationship is new, there are other children (does he get on with them? Do they know him?) he is trying to see his own son. It is complicated.

Toothache · 03/11/2005 13:43

BMT - Well then I'm a bit confused then by the thread title?! If you're not taking his ultimatum into consideration, then why is the title about him?

You won't necessarily get SPD at all never mind to the same severity.

Do YOU WANT to have an abortion???? If the answer is YES, then go ahead. But if the answer is NO or even MAYBE... then I don't think you could go through with it.

aloha · 03/11/2005 13:44

Because she is about to be made homeless and bankrupt, has two other small children, suffers from SPD and depression and is worried about being a single parent if this relationship breaks down.
I am NOT however, saying that BMT should have a termination.

Toothache · 03/11/2005 13:46

I should probably not post on this thread anymore..... I just can't bring myself to understand.... I only wanted to post to try to convince you NOT to have an abortion.... so not exactly impartial advice.

Sorry.

Original poster

badmothertoo · 03/11/2005 13:49

can I just say that, I started this thread in the midst of just finding out im pregnant and our initial reactions.

I have no other form of support, and I needed to come on here to be able to sort my head a bit and try see things a little clearer. As it happens, that means I am now having to face up to the fact that yes, unfortunately, due to all my circumstances i've mentioned before, and not least because i will be on crutches by Christmas, I am going to have to consider termination. If he hadn't mentioned it, and I hadn't had the measured responses and links etc from here, no, I would be sticking to my initial response of 'well obviously im keeping it', without a thought of how i will be able to manage.

Being on here has done just what i needed it to, help me see things in perspective. So, my outlook now is somewhat different to my intial 'panic post'.

OP posts:

aloha · 03/11/2005 13:51

Don't rush into anything though. Look at all your options.
I do deeply sympathise with you BMT.

Toothache · 03/11/2005 13:51

Well then it really saddens me that advice from MN'ers has made you sway towards having an abortion.

Caligula · 03/11/2005 13:54

Well I'm glad bmt has got the support she needs to make a decision, whichever way she goes in the end.

Just keep talking bmt, it might take a few days and you might change your mind 10 times, but so long as you make the right decision for you and your family, that's all that matters, whatever decision you make.

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