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Original poster

Father doesn't want baby! He says abortion :'( :'( :'(

204 replies

badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 10:12

Im in a right mess. I am 34, single, two young children (2 and 4) and found out on Monday I'm pregnant again to someone I've only been seeing 4 months. Stupid I know, we used condoms and the 'safe time' after a period, as I was regular, but obviously caught out one weekend when I went to scatter my mother's ashes!! STUPID but it has happened and there's little point going over that now.

....what I want to know is, are there any other mothers out there whose partners initially didn't want their babies? Did they kick and fuss, then think about it, and come round to the idea????

He just says he doesn't want a baby and its a bad idea (which, yes, our lives aren't exactly great) but 'abortion' doesn't immediately enter my head as an option! If you're pregnant, you're pregnant that's it. Can you even HAVE an abortion just cos you're life's not bloody right????

I'm totally confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want a baby. But twice, he has said he doesn't know what he wants...he wants to keep it but he doesn't want to keep it.

He wouldn't come see me last night, said he needed to think. We talked on MSN and when I said I was going he asked me not to go, to stay and talk with him.

Then this morning, he sent me a text again saying he's sorry but he doesn't want a baby now.

Experience and insight needed pleeeese.

OP posts:
Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 19:29

Aloha...

"He is ambivalent, but then so are you."

Where, in what I have said, do you get that I am being ambivalent?????? If I seem that way I certainly didn't mean to be!

I would have this baby, it would be an enormous struggle but I am prepared to make as many changes as it takes...but ultimately can I do it!?

If he said yes, and I had his support, I would be having a baby.

It may not seem like it but i DO see his point of view (think I said that already?).

If I was ambivalent I'd be booked in already!

OP posts:
Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 19:40

...and I might add I was PLEASED as well as shocked at the result! I would like to have this baby, but CAN I DO IT...

OP posts:
ToshyTinker · 02/11/2005 19:59

bmt - I had an unplanned pregnancy (didn't already have 2 children though) and father wanted me to have an abortion. I had the baby, but after a lot of thought and angst. Am not with the father but I did manage. Don't regret it ever.

I think that your pleasure at the test result means you know what you want. Making the decision is difficult but once made you can get on with the pregnancy. Of course you can do it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 20:05

I put my kids to bed, laid down with them, thought of them and another baby, came downstairs thinking yes, I should have a termination.

Have just read about early medical terminations, should not have to wait more than 3 weeks happens over 2 days, can take 4 hours to start and 7 hours to finish. (really sorry if that upsets anyone )

Now I'm thinking, nope. I will keep it. Let nature take its course.

Going to doctors tomorrow.

This is so bad :'(

OP posts:
littlelamb · 02/11/2005 21:10

BMT, all I can offe to you is my experience. I got pregnant in the worst circumstances. I had just started uni when I found out I was pregnant, and my then boyfriend was still at home, 300 miles away, when I told him, which was as soon as I found out, at about 5 or 6 weeks. He got straight on the train and all he talked about for the two days he was here was how I HAD to have an abortion. We were both 20, so very young, but we have known each other all our lives, and had been going out for a good long while. My parents too told me to have an abortion, and even booked me an appointment to have it done, which they were going to pay for with money they didn't have. I felt so much pressure, that I even got on the train to go to the abortion clinic, even though I knew it wasn't what I wanted. But on the train I realised I had to do what I wanted. Ex had come down and was meeting me at the station, so I met him and promptly got us both on the next train to my home. He was speechless, but I had made my decision and no amount of bullying was going to change my mind. It was a tough pregnancy, but I had excellent counselling throughout, and prior to making my decision, which helped enormously. My parents didn't speak to me, and all he did was tell me how I was ruining his life and I wasn't fit to be a parent. I knew then, and I am certain of it now, that he was just very, very scared. Looking at it from the male perspective, as much as you say they are responsible, noone thinks 'o I could have a baby' every single time they have sex, and a man must feel pretty helpless wehn a decision is made thta he has no control over but that affects him deeply. I really do feel for men in this situation. Don't flame me, I'm not saying their reaction is acceptable, but it is just as scary for them as it is you, perhaps even more so because they are so powerless. Anyway, towards the end of my pregnancy, things got slightly better, and he was there for dd's birth, which he was ambivelant about, but now classes as the most amazing thing of his life. I think it's made all the difference. Admittedly, he doesn't see dd (who's now 16 months old) very much because of the distance, but neither of us can imagine life without her.Pregnancy seems such a huge, scary thing to deal with when it's unexpected, but you have to see past all the doom and gloom and realise that this decision will affect you forever. I know that if I'd had an abortion it would have been purely to satisfy other people, which would have emotionally crippled me eventually, and those people now adore dd, so people DO change. The idea of an unplanned pregnancy is much more scary for everyone involved than the little baby that will result from it

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 21:23

that's a nice story, thank you

He txt me tonight and said sorry for being a B*ard but he is scared.

Realised that if it takes 3 weeks for an appointment to come through, I'm going to have to book get an appointment anyway, so that if it's gonna happen it happens as EARLY as possible...this way at least I know its as early as possible but this also gives me crucial 'thinking' and 'sinking in' space to change my mind.

If I wait until I defo know what to do before I make an appointment, the later it gets and I don't want to get any later

You know what...I'm writing this and I'm thinking 'what are you saying!!!'

I don't know what the f*ck to do.
See what doc says tomorrow.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 02/11/2005 21:24

See a doctor AND a counsellor. B/c this needs to be YOUR decision.

littlelamb · 02/11/2005 21:31

Also, I would say that text messages are an unnecessary evil in this situation. We both said such hurtful things to each other by text, because its the cowardly way to do it. He wouldn't say half those things to your face. I think you should instigate a 'no texts' rule for a while, til you both get over the urge to say nasty things to each other. Nastiness doesn't help, though it can feel necessary at the time. If you're going to talk about it, do just that, and face to face. It'll soon become obvious what your real feelings are, without hiding behind words. Easier said than done though.

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 21:35

Normally I would agree with you 110% but its actually been worse face to face! He is far 'nicer', and able to express his feelings, when on MSN. Texting is ridiculous in this situation but that's how it went, so much scope for misunderstanding.

He is on MSN now and being all loving and apologetic

I really appreciate ALL the input I've had on here, really, really do. Thanks

OP posts:
sobernow · 02/11/2005 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 22:10

sadly, no

i asked what he thought of adoption - no way, "can't give it to someone else"

I really wish he would come round to the idea, but he said earlier he's not going to change his mind.

OP posts:
Tortington · 03/11/2005 01:08

i think msn is an immature way of conducting a relationship especially over such a big decision as this.

in your situation i may opt for a termination. and i am as catholic as you can get - i just couldnt start all that again.

Beetroot · 03/11/2005 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 03/11/2005 10:44

'i think msn is an immature way of conducting a relationship especially over such a big decision as this. '

I couldn't agree more.

Original poster
badmothertoo · 03/11/2005 11:31

Morning

I agree MSN is not the way to go with this - but if that's the only way he's gonna open up its better than nothing. This should be a face to face thing, but sadly he doesn't seem to be able to cope with face to face. He just sits there, head in his hands, not looking at me, getting defensive. Not good and ended up in needless anger yesterday. On MSN he is calmer and far more open. And like it or not, this seems to be a sign of the times; we conduct a lot of our daily lives via faceless electronic ways (hence me being on here in the first place - quickest way of getting a broad range of experiences/support)

Yes I followed the links I was given, and have now read a lot about abortions. Was shocked to see how long you have to wait, hence me asking what he felt about adoption.

I went to doctor this morning and before I can get referred for an abortion I have to have a scan to determine whether this is a viable pregnancy (as no point 'booking me in' if not). This is on Monday, more delay. My doctor said it's ok, I can have one up to 12 weeks.... I don't want to get that far. The longer this goes on the less likely I will do it.

I am also pretty dismayed by my childminder/friend's reaction. She laughed and said 'oh everyone's had one'. Gee thanks. This is tearing me apart. Then the comment, "till the cord's cut and it's taken its first breath it's up to me what happens to it, it's my body" Each to their own pov but this shocked me.

Anyhow, see what Monday brings

OP posts:
anorak · 03/11/2005 11:37

Well I haven't had one.

I really don't think you should have one. You sound as if you fundamentally couldn't live with that choice (not for others, but for yourself).

I understand that viewpoint. Don't live with a lifetime of guilt because you've compromised your beliefs in such an enormous way. Surely your man will come round to it. This is all very new just yet.

Easy · 03/11/2005 11:43

Anorak,

I'm horrified by your statement 'Surely your man will come round to it'

Look, he isn't ready for a child yet, it wasn't in his plans, and trying to coerce or cajole him into 'coming round to it' is no more fair on him, than is his suggestion that BMT has an abortion. It also won't make for a long-term relationship.

Why is his opinion on this given less credence than the mother's?

sobernow · 03/11/2005 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 03/11/2005 11:45

I haven't had one, either. But I certainly wouldn't dismiss someone's extremely serious decsion as 'Well, everyone's had one.'

expatinscotland · 03/11/2005 11:46

Besides, can't you give it up for adoption if his name is not on the birth certificate?

aloha · 03/11/2005 11:46

I'm sorry my post made you so cross. By ambivalent I mean you have conflicting feelings, and I think that's pretty obvious. You are pleased AND shocked, you are considering a termination but also feel you want to keep the baby. That's what I mean by ambivalent. He doesn't want to be a father again right now, but he also couldn't give away his child. Ambivalent.
It wasn't meant to have a moral connotations. As I said, I think you must make the decision that you can live with best. Nobody can foretell the future. But as I said, from everything you've posted, it doesn't sound as if he would be able to walk away from his child completely.

Enid · 03/11/2005 11:47

sorry I havent read the whole thread but can you talk on the phone like grown ups instead of texting and msn-ing?

Enid · 03/11/2005 11:48

sorry I see others have made that point clearly

sobernow · 03/11/2005 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 03/11/2005 11:49

'Why is his opinion on this given less credence than the mother's? '

Well, for starters, b/c he won't be the one incapicitated completely by SPD with two small children to look after.

For another, he didn't want kids. Fair enough. Then DON'T have unprotected sex, ffs!! Don't want kids at all? Get yourself sterilised. I have MANY friends and acquaintences who were mature enough to realise when you have sex, it's possible to make babies, and as they didn't want any, they took steps to make sure they didn't have them.

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