Father doesn't want baby! He says abortion :'( :'( :'(

[badmothertoo]

Im in a right mess. I am 34, single, two young children (2 and 4) and found out on Monday I'm pregnant again to someone I've only been seeing 4 months. Stupid I know, we used condoms and the 'safe time' after a period, as I was regular, but obviously caught out one weekend when I went to scatter my mother's ashes!! STUPID but it has happened and there's little point going over that now.

....what I want to know is, are there any other mothers out there whose partners initially didn't want their babies? Did they kick and fuss, then think about it, and come round to the idea????

He just says he doesn't want a baby and its a bad idea (which, yes, our lives aren't exactly great) but 'abortion' doesn't immediately enter my head as an option! If you're pregnant, you're pregnant that's it. Can you even HAVE an abortion just cos you're life's not bloody right????

I'm totally confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want a baby. But twice, he has said he doesn't know what he wants...he wants to keep it but he doesn't want to keep it.

He wouldn't come see me last night, said he needed to think. We talked on MSN and when I said I was going he asked me not to go, to stay and talk with him.

Then this morning, he sent me a text again saying he's sorry but he doesn't want a baby now.

Experience and insight needed pleeeese.

Toothache - yes it's sad that coming on here has opened my eyes, but real and practical. NEVER in a million years would I have thought I'd be considering abortion. And I AM keeping my options open for as long as I can, within the obvious time constraints. I do not WANT an abortion, but it may be that FOR ME, RIGHT NOW it's the best thing I could do for me and my girls, all things considered I would LOVE to have this baby, but what if I have it and can't cope at all and end up severely depressed and suicidal? Only having been able to clear my head has let me see the practicalities here.

And FWIW, I WILL get SPD again - last time it started even earlier than the first, and as I said a while ago my pelvis has ALREADY started to click and this is VERY early indeed.

My options are remaining open - i am checking out possible support/welfare etc see what I can do to get help - but also know I have to move quick on the other side too

Do you work BMT? Does your dp know and get on with your daughters?

How involved is your ex-h (father to your girls) ?

Aloha...

I am self employed, after voluntary bankruptcy in August (losing my mum meant I didn't supervise my business properly and things went downhill).

My ex now has the girls every other weekend and one evening a week. This is less than before and means I now have my girls all weekend, whereas before I would use any spare time to work work work, so not used to it (hence bad mother). But, things are improving I'm very glad to say.

My current partner and the girls know each other but not that well (in fact he 'rescued' the 2yr old off a beach when we got stuck by the tide coming in so she's loved him ever since lol)

I would also add, in case anyone wondered, my 'work' is internet based so that's why I can be on here so much! Same goes for MSN, it's on to keep me in touch with my shop, suppliers and dp etc.

BMT
As you are paying NI contributions, you should be eligible for Maternity Allowance at the least, perhaps also Incapacity Benefit and/or Income Support, should you decide to go ahead w/the pregnancy and develop SPD.

If you are renting, you are also eligible for Housing and Council Tax Benefit - usually the same form. If you are in danger of homelessness, you can also be eligible for help from Social Services and your local authority with housing needs as a priority case.

Also, see your CAB ASAP to begin the appeals process for your tax credits. Our appeal took about 6 months to be upheld.

Oh, it does sound so hard for you. Would your ex-h be at all helpful here? ie if you got spd that badly again?

"I would LOVE to have this baby, but what if I have it and can't cope at all and end up severely depressed and suicidal?"

What if what if what if.

Just a final word from me.... all the things above could happen even if (and when) you and your partner decide you are ready to have another baby. I developed PND and felt suicidal after my much wanted ds was born. These are all what ifs that we all have consider when having a baby.

I'm not being very eloquent here at all! But I'm just trying to say that by concentrating on all the negatives and thinking of all thebad things that MIGHT happen then you're really only going to come up with the 'solution' to terminate.

Could post lots of opinions on what has been said here but ultimately i would like to wish you the best of luck BMT with whatever you decide to do and i hope it works out for all of you.

toothace

I am being PRACTICAL

what if.... I had PND TWICE, nearly killed myself TWICE, had SPD TWICE

Bit of a history there - if history didn't matter doctors wouldn't bother taking it to see what 'might' be likely in future.

History/past behaviour is a pretty good indicator.

I am not taking this bloody lightly!

Yes, I WOULD love to have this baby and all be rosey, but the probability is that I won't be (especially with NO OTHER support, before I had a partner and a mother, now I have neither)

So, I throw caution to the wind and cross my fingers cos hey, that's what everyone else has to do when they're pregnant...and I end up not being unable to look after my children OR the new baby, or even worse.

The 'what if' things I'm talking about are hardly small and irrelevant things are they? The SPD is not a what if, its real..it is ALREADY happening as i have said many times today. The PND is a 'possibility' but based on my past is a very likely one, but I can get dosed up on prozac and valium for that.

And yes you are very correct - all this IS likely to happen if I have a baby in future BUT the crucial difference is I would have a supportive father to help.

If he turned round right now and said ok great, then I can tell you I would be having this baby 100%

Sorry for getting cross at you but your tone seemed to be making a mockery out of something that is tearing me to pieces 'what if what if what if' ... you have said YOU don't want me to have an abortion, well, my partner does...why should i listen to you more than him then??? I'm listening to ME

Sorry - have to post - i had a termination when i was 20.

I felt i was too immature, was living with dp at his parents house and we were supposed to be trying to save up to get our own place. It was the right choice for ME.

If i hadnt have had a termination i wouldnt have the two lovely children that i do now. I absolutely cannot look back on it negatively.

Bloody hell BMT!!

If you only wanted people telling you what you wanted to hear then you shouldn't post on a public forum.

I KNOW PND is horrendous... I've had it. I KNOW SPD is horrendous..... I've had it too!!!!

THe things you are worried about are NOT trivial..... I don't know why you thought I was implying that! But then neither is an abortion (as you know)... so I just was trying to make you feel more reassured that you could keep the baby!

Do what you want, I'm not your DP and I'm not telling you what to do!!!! You asked for advice.... I'm giving you mine. Sorry if its not just exactly what you were looking for..... but the whole issue upsets people.

From your rant at me it seems you've already got all your reasons sorted in your head that you need to have an abortion. You seem quite clear about that.... doesn't really seem worth debating anymore if you don't want people trying to outline reasons NOT to have an abortion.

Toothache,

That seems unnecessary if I may say so. From what I've read you maded it clear that you don't approve of abortion, BMT has replied to you, setting out her reasons, and the fact that she isn't fully decided.

Your response seems pretty harsh

Steady on Toothy - not sure why you are getting so irate over this for. You have voiced your opinions, several times over. She has taken them on board. She doesnt agree with you. Simple as that, dont take it so personally.

BMT is looking for support, and plenty of alternative viewpoints and yours is a valid one, but continually hammering it home is just going to cause another argument BMT doesnt need right now.

Toothache - good name

If you bothered to read what im saying 'today', you will see that I most certainly have NOT made the decision to HAVE an abortion!

".... doesn't really seem worth debating anymore if you don't want people trying to outline reasons NOT to have an abortion."

again READ, I have never asked for peoplt to tell me reasons not to have an abortion - I know them myself because I don't bloody want to have one! FFS

I have stated again today that this is about learning about OTHER FATHER'S RESPONSES most certainly not about whether i should have an abortion.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT PRO / ANTI ABORTION IT IS ABOUT KNOWING IF MY DP IS TYPICAL IN HIS PANIC RESPONSE!

Don't read the thread if its going to upset you.

bmt, I'd imagine that (as aloha posted) lots of other men feel panic when they find out someone they've only been with for a short while is pg. you both sound shocked & frightened by what's happening and obviously need to talk, face to face, about this (with each other and possibly friends/a counsellor)

New development - have got some bleeding, maybe mother nature will intervene?

Both and relieved cos i won't have to make this horrible decision.

aw badmothertoo. Hope you manage to sort all this out for yourself and loved ones x

Ok, re-reading this - the BF doesn't want to be a dad - fair enough - thank him for his honesty.

Over to you, you're concerned about PND, SPD.

You're a single mum with money worries & another baby really isn't on your agenda, especially without the support of the BF/father.

Life is tough, you're lucky to have the choice in how you go foward here. Perhaps you're hoping BF will come round, but the bottom line is, this is your life & you control it. If you want the baby have it, if you don't, don't. Sounds heartless (I'm really not) but I think to reach a decision you need to think in black & white.

I was an unwanted child & I've had many times when I wished I was never born as my parents stayed together & had 18 years of miserable marriage. I had 18 years of mostly unhappy childhood. Yes my mum loved me, but we were never a family & I craved to be in a family environment. Not suggesting there is any lack of love in your family, just hoping to offer a different experience & insight as requested

hope my message doesn't sound harsh...it's horrible to think that all around us, mums are having awful times

MojoM I didn't think your msg sounded harsh. It is often best to see things black and white, but unfortunately life has got too many grey bits

wish you the best in any circumstances.

She accused me of making a mockery... I responded. Don't think I was hammering my point home as much as everyone else here.....
I read many things on MN that upset me.... and I'm not going to stop coz that's life.

My point was that you seem to have outlined a MILLION practical reasons not to have the baby.... and you didn't seem to finding any practical reasons to actually have the baby. That looked to me (as I can only go by what I read) like the decision is pretty much made. I was merely making the observation that the vibes of your posts sounded like swaying toward an abortion!! Can't see anything contentious in saying that!???

Then again... the decision may be taken out of your hands.

No need for the comment on my posting name... that was tad immature.... and I won't stoop as low.

Are there any 'practical' reasons for having a baby? We have them because we want to.