Father doesn't want baby! He says abortion :'( :'( :'(

[badmothertoo]

Im in a right mess. I am 34, single, two young children (2 and 4) and found out on Monday I'm pregnant again to someone I've only been seeing 4 months. Stupid I know, we used condoms and the 'safe time' after a period, as I was regular, but obviously caught out one weekend when I went to scatter my mother's ashes!! STUPID but it has happened and there's little point going over that now.

....what I want to know is, are there any other mothers out there whose partners initially didn't want their babies? Did they kick and fuss, then think about it, and come round to the idea????

He just says he doesn't want a baby and its a bad idea (which, yes, our lives aren't exactly great) but 'abortion' doesn't immediately enter my head as an option! If you're pregnant, you're pregnant that's it. Can you even HAVE an abortion just cos you're life's not bloody right????

I'm totally confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want a baby. But twice, he has said he doesn't know what he wants...he wants to keep it but he doesn't want to keep it.

He wouldn't come see me last night, said he needed to think. We talked on MSN and when I said I was going he asked me not to go, to stay and talk with him.

Then this morning, he sent me a text again saying he's sorry but he doesn't want a baby now.

Experience and insight needed pleeeese.

..no, i don't know anyone who has had one either (well i do now cos she reeled off a list of people)

I'm just trying to get things rolling so that it's there IF i decide to do this AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE. Like I said before, the longer I wait/think about it without acting, the further on I get. At least I can make sure the ball is rolling early, and then have the time beforehand to really come to terms with things, without the time pressure of 'having' to make a decision quickly. I'm trying to be organised(?)

It IS going against my personal beliefs, but my 'life' is such a mess I am also trying to be sensible .

On the other side of things, I have asked to be put in touch with home help type places to see what I can get put in place if I keep it (when pregnant my pelvis splits too much and I cannot walk, it was very hard last time looking after a 2 yr old WITH a partner's help...looking after a 2yr old and 4yr old WITHOUT anyone's help doesn't look possible to me - you can't walk, you can't get upstairs to the loo, you can't sleep properly, you cant sit - or maybe you can but can't get up again - you can't get dressed properly..all this and you're pregnant too!)

badmothertoo - think things through from your point of view. If want to have your baby then tell your dp this - who's he to say he wants a baby later with you - when the moment is here now. Life sometimes has good surprises

Another resource, badmother, as you are experiencing difficulties with housing IIRC, is Shelter, a charity that seeks to help people avoid homelessness.

And get in touch w/Social Services as well. Also a Welfare Rights Advisory if your council has any such services. They can at least help w/your tax credit appeal and, if you decide to go through w/the pregnancy, about qualifying for Maternity Allowance or Incapacity Benefit, Sure Start Grants, etc.

There IS help available, but you'll have to be strong and get out there to seek it out!

Expat

BMT didn't actually want to make a baby either, but she was equally responsible for unprotected sex.

And I'm not trying to start an argument (honest), but so many people complain that men don't take responsibilty for their actions. Well this man is taking responsibility, he's saying "I can't cope with this now, I think we should not have this baby", but his opinion in making that decision isn't as important as the mother's here? Why?
IMHO it would be much worse if he just broke off all contact, or said "fine, go ahead" but left the family high and dry in a few months time.

'And I'm not trying to start an argument (honest), but so many people complain that men don't take responsibilty for their actions. Well this man is taking responsibility, he's saying "I can't cope with this now, I think we should not have this baby", but his opinion in making that decision isn't as important as the mother's here? Why?'

I think sobernow answered that question pretty well.

HE is not pregnant. He will not have SPD or two other small kids to look after and house. He can refuse to sign the birth certificate and leave her high and dry. He doesn't even have to accompany her to an abortion clinic or to hospital to have the baby.

Sure, he has an opinion. But at the end of the day, the consequences of his actions are in HER body.

its hard to put myself in your position but I have to say an abortion wouldn't be out of the question

I know this is an emotional issue but I really don't think having an abortion necessarily equates wtih a lifetime of guilt. Almost all of my friends myself included have had one, some two. They were not decisions that anyone took lightly but neither were they deeply traumatic.
In fact none of them have ever expressed anything other than relief that it was over. ( As I mentioned on an earlier post I am still glad I had a termination when I was younger...even though I later went ahead with another 'surprise' pregnancy..)

Kids last for ever, men come and go.
You are only 34 you do have time to have another baby when time is right and you have got a supportive partner.

'I know this is an emotional issue but I really don't think having an abortion necessarily equates wtih a lifetime of guilt.'

It can when someone's been pressured or bullied into it and doesn't feel she made the decision for herself.

But he hasn't said he wouldn't accompany her to the abortion clinic or whatever has he? He may well be able to offer support for BMT in that process.
He may be saying he can't deal with supporting BMT if she goes ahead with the pregnancy. At least he's being upfront with this.

From what I've read here, he isn't washing his hands of this. He's saying he's shocked, he isn't ready for this baby, he doesn't think it is a good idea to continue the pg. It takes two to make a baby, it should be the decision of both parents to bring the baby into the world.

Read Aloha's post from 6:45 p.m. yesterday.

I would LOVE to be able to have a mature conversation with him - phone not possible though - but like I have said face to face just isn't right for him yet.

Sorry Aloha I misunderstood your use of ambivalent, apologies. Yes, we are both very, very confused.

And yes, we are both to blame for this - we had unprotected sex on one occassion, one very sweet and loving occassion as it happens, on his part, because he was so traumatised by mum's death. But, that's done, it happened.

Thanks for the tips on welfare etc. i didn't realise all that was out there.

'It takes two to make a baby, it should be the decision of both parents to bring the baby into the world.'

As a person who believes very strongly in a woman's right to decide what she does with her own body, I disagree with this. Imagine being forced to not take birth control, to carry a child to term you didn't want (who was, say, the product of marital or relationship rape) or to have an abortion by someone else.

Protecting a woman's right to do what she choses with her own body is fundamental to our freedom as people, IMO.

sorry meant to say

"cos I was so traumatised by mum's death"

BMT
Our council has a Welfare Rights Advisory Service. Yours may, too. At any rate, your local authority will have at least one housing officer you can talk to about your housing situation. Shelter can also help set you up with one or give advice on how to avoid homelessness.

If you are self-employed and do not qualify for SMP, you may qualify for Maternity Allowance and/or Incapacity Benefit - for your SPD.

People on Incapacity or Income Support can also receive Child Tax Credit.

While running the risk of being flamed, I think it would be worthwhile to remember we are talking about a woman and a decision "she" has to make whilst by all means offer support but I think bringing personal views on termination really doesent serve anyones best interests.

how can he refuse to talk to you face to face? you are pg with his child fgs.

No risk there, Mhamai. I think you'll see the vast majority of posters here have advised BMT that this is a decision SHE must make for herself, and that support is there no matter how she decides.

Mhamai, You are almost right. Personal views on termination have no place here, it is the views and circumstances of the PEOPLE involved that matter.

I'm aware the majority have done that expat, but there has been a tone of some posters referring to their experience but its just that, theirs! I just feel the thread is starting to get tangled up in arguments, but then thats not exactly unheard off on MN

Enid, he hasn't flatly refused to talk face to face - I wont repeat myself but a little way back i explained how he finds it hard and gets on the defensive, and it does neither of us any good. But that's just him, apparently. (but don't many men find it hard to express their feelings?) Also, I would add that the reason we have to rely on MSN a lot in our relationship, is distance, work, no landlines and mobile too expensive for what would be very lengthy calls.

Just to add too that I CAN see that he is actually being quite sensible - he is RIGHT this is a bad time to have a baby, but ..... its also reality.

He has said he will go with me, if need be. And he has now said he WILL stay if I have it (i thought before he was saying he wouldn't, but no) just that he won't be happy about it .

Enid, I may be wrong, but I don't think he's refusing to see BMT, more that they are both so shellshocked that they end up getting upset and/or rowing.

i don't want this to get into an abortion pro/cons thread

i am VERY grateful for everyone's input - i just wanted to ascertain whether his reaction was way out of order or actually quite normal, and whether many men react like this at first but then mellow.

Here's wishing you peace whatever you decide, BMT!

thank you, and thanks again for welfare info etc

Badmothertoo, this is a very emotive issue and is bound to throw up peoples views on various aspects of your situation, ie how much role should the man have etc, I think what you will find comfort in is that practically eveyone that has posted does have concern for you, I feel for you and just would like to say theres an ear here if you want one.

badmothertoo - I am sure some men do 'mellow' - but i suspect they are the ones who are just suffereing initial surprise, and are dithering about taking a step towards something that basically, they do want to do, at some stage.

But your man does know what he is talking about, he has a child, he knows what is involved, and knows what committment he, and you, already have. I think it is better that he is honest at this stage, than say nothing, and then turn out unrelaiable and hostile later. You can't second guess whether he will 'come round' or not, and you can't base you decision on such a gamble.

Sorry this is so very hard.