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Original poster

Father doesn't want baby! He says abortion :'( :'( :'(

204 replies

badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 10:12

Im in a right mess. I am 34, single, two young children (2 and 4) and found out on Monday I'm pregnant again to someone I've only been seeing 4 months. Stupid I know, we used condoms and the 'safe time' after a period, as I was regular, but obviously caught out one weekend when I went to scatter my mother's ashes!! STUPID but it has happened and there's little point going over that now.

....what I want to know is, are there any other mothers out there whose partners initially didn't want their babies? Did they kick and fuss, then think about it, and come round to the idea????

He just says he doesn't want a baby and its a bad idea (which, yes, our lives aren't exactly great) but 'abortion' doesn't immediately enter my head as an option! If you're pregnant, you're pregnant that's it. Can you even HAVE an abortion just cos you're life's not bloody right????

I'm totally confused. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want a baby. But twice, he has said he doesn't know what he wants...he wants to keep it but he doesn't want to keep it.

He wouldn't come see me last night, said he needed to think. We talked on MSN and when I said I was going he asked me not to go, to stay and talk with him.

Then this morning, he sent me a text again saying he's sorry but he doesn't want a baby now.

Experience and insight needed pleeeese.

OP posts:
weesaidie · 02/11/2005 13:29

Well I was with a guy for two years, on the pill and then accidently pregnant. He basically said it's me or the baby. I chose the baby because I knew I didn't want an abortion and it would have been a fairly late one.

We are not together now but he is a wonderful father who sees his daughter (now 18 months) 2 nights and one full day a week.

The whole situation was very complicated and have simplified it here hugely but in the end we have a beautiful daughter and we are friends.

All I can say is you have to do what you really want at heart. And I think deep down everyone knows what is best for them, even if it means a hard decision, which for me it certainly was.

bundle · 02/11/2005 13:29

bmt, no one wants an abortion (imo) but your situation does sound terribly complicated and if I was in your position, with your other very young children to consider as well as your financial situation, I would have a termination. But this is your decision, not mine, x

weesaidie · 02/11/2005 13:30

Also, I have had an abortion (which was very hard) which I felt was right at the time.

madmarchflare · 02/11/2005 13:51

I agree with bundle. No one wants a termination but if you ask if the situation would be improved if you werent pregnant I imagine that a lot of the time the answer would be yes IYSWIM.

I had a termination and have never regreted it.

Easy · 02/11/2005 14:04

Can I just point out that BMT is not the only one affected by the decision she makes here. She already has 2 children, whose lives are going to be affected very deeply by the arrival of a new sibling.

Furthermore this man IS the father, and his life will be affected too. Even IF he doesn't become emotionally involved, then if BMT applies for benefits etc then his life will be affected, because the CSA (or whatever the Govt thinks up to replace it) will expect him to contribute to the childs upkeep.

I personally don't think that abortion is wrong in circumstances such as these, and in your shoes BMT would certainly be looking down that route. But you must look to your own reserves, and those of the other lives involved before you decide.

Creole · 02/11/2005 14:09

I agree with Easy!

Creole · 02/11/2005 14:10

Can I also add that if I was in your shoes, I will get an abortion but would also get rid of this bloke!

bundle · 02/11/2005 14:25

oh and the bloke thing is totally not dependent on what you decide to do, imo. if he fails to support you at a time like this, would you really want to rely on him, baby or no baby? and if you did terminate the pregnancy that would have a huge impact on the dynamics of your relationship.

fireflyfairy2 · 02/11/2005 14:45

Get rid of him, keep the baby. It never asked to be put there by a man immature enough to accept no responsibility.

Don't wait for him to walk away.. tell him to go, 'cos any man that says "I'll stay if you get rid of it" Isn't worth the air he breathes.

Rhubarb · 02/11/2005 15:20

Sorry badmothertoo, was getting angry on your behalf, not at you.

If you do not want an abortion then it is not right for you to have one.

You ask if it is right to bring children into the world when you and your life seems to be falling apart. When is it ever right to have children? I'm sure even the most affulent person could think of 101 reasons not to have a child. Are your children suffering? Do they wish for another life? Of course not! We all do the best we can as mothers no matter what the circumstances. Would a child be better in a rich home with 2 parents who hardly ever saw them? Or in a poor home with one parent who loved them dearly?

You are seeing everything in a negative light right now and are failing to see all the positives, everything you have to give. Please sit and think some more about this, confide in a friend. I wish I could do more for you.

Beetroot · 02/11/2005 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SeaShells · 02/11/2005 15:27

Its not a choice between either the baby or him. Please think it through very carefully and don't think that by having an abortion it will keep this man who you have only been seeing for such a short time.
You need to focus on what you feel is what you want, don't let this mans ultimatum in effect, cloud your own judgement.
Although there are other people who having/not having this baby will affect, ultimately it is YOUR choice. And abortion can have as much of an impact on your life as having a baby.
Regardless of what this man says he wants/doesnt want, YOU need to take some time and space away from him and make up your own mind what you feel you want.

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 15:34

Update...

I hadn't sent him a text for a while and I got one saying "you not talking to me now ". I sent back saying I needed his support, he has contributed to this, he is supposed to be my partner etc. "help me".

Reply back was "help you" and that his head was f**ked cos of all this etc. and that he wants to be happy with me.

I know its tough for him. A massive shock. But to stay away at a time like this and not come and 'be' with me?

Told him no more texts or msn. Mobile off but landline going crazy. He will have to come here if he wants to talk I'm not answering.

I am SO disappointed in this guy, who I previously have gushed about being "so sweet" to my friends

Watch this space

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 02/11/2005 16:24

Wishing you lots of courage and strength in a difficult time. Confide in your friends and surround yourself with people who love you. Focus upon yourself and your two children right now. We're here if you need us.

bundle · 02/11/2005 16:26

do seek advice from a counsellor and write things down, make lists of for/against your options, it might help you to clarify what's best for you, x

Original poster
badmothertoo · 02/11/2005 17:16

...He turned up after I left last message, must have left work early.

Now I'm angry.

...of course he wants another kid, just not now. Would have one, with me, later (I'm 34!!!)

...I'm pushing him away.....?!?!?!

...ME: I'll bring it up myself HIM: thats not fair on all 3 of us

...ME: you keep away, why does it have to die? HIM: I never said that (?!?!?!?!)

I AM SO BLOODY CONFUSED - HE IS CONFUSED

I said if I have to decide this on my own then so be it but hearing from him wasn't helping so I needed time to myself.... he asked me to put my phone back on...I said no, I needed time, he says he will keep ringing house phone till I answer. For what??? what's there to talk about if I've to reach a decision alone???

Oh my GOD

Sorry to rant, but aaaaaargh. He also went mad cos I'd come on here - what you gone on there for...you gonna be on computer 24/7 when you have a baby.... - cos I need to turn to SOMEONE for some kind of support mate!

aaaaaaaaaaaargh

Anyway, sorry ladies

OP posts:
YellowPages · 02/11/2005 17:55

I had to disappear earlier, BMT, as dd woke up. You really do have a lot on your plate right now don't you? This is a hard enough situation without everthing else that's going on. I can totally understand why all you want is him there and supporting you right now. But equally I can see, I guess through dh's experience, that he is reeling from the shock and he is needing some support too, and it strikes me that some of what he has said is what you have said yourself too (like a baby right now would not in many ways be a good idea). I really, really feel for the both of you.

I would agree about going to get some counselling to see if you can sort out your thoughts and feelings about this. What I don't agree with is that you'll be making him a dad against his will. You both chose not to use contraception, so it is equally his responsibility. It's not like my dh's situation where his partner led him to believe she was still taking the pill and he trusted her.

I think my advice would be for each of you to have a little space, not contact each other, text, etc, but he needs to know that it's so that you can sort out your thoughts and not because you're pushing him away. Things just seem to be escalating and you're both getting angry and maybe just a little breathing space for each of you will mean that in a couple of days it will be easier for you to discuss things.

sobernow · 02/11/2005 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lilianna · 02/11/2005 18:15

a midwife once told me its your body, you do what you want to do and don't let anyone get in your way including partners. Would you bring up the child on your own? are you happy about the pg? if yes to both these questions i think you know what you want. Good luck with the future if my dates for you are correct come and join us on the july thread.

liquoriceallsorts · 02/11/2005 18:22

I was in a similar situation about five years ago. I did what the guy wanted and he left me the day after I came out of hospital. Have huge regrets even to this day - although unsure how I would have coped with the two children I had already and another with no support. I think I would have tried to make him want the child had I had it and this would have caused more pain too. I don't know what to say to help but I've been there.

Rhubarb · 02/11/2005 18:26

Tell him that if he keeps harrassing you, you will report him to the police and have him charged with such. Then do it if he doesn't stop, never make empty threats.

You need space, he is putting pressure on you, he sounds like a complete and utter git - sorry. It doesn't help to find this out about a person when it's all too late is it?

He is confusing you delibarately hoping that you will buckle under the pressure and have an abortion.

Go and see a counsellor, see your GP to have it confirmed (you'll need to do this anyway) and tell him/her what is going on, they may be able to fast-track you to see a counsellor. I think for Marie Stopes you might have to pay, is this right? Make sure that you have an unbiased counsellor, I would avoid any counselling at an abortion clinic because I can't help but feel that they are biased because of the organisation they work for.

Seriously though, you need to contact the Police about this guy harrassing you, it'll put the frighteners on him enough to give you the space you need, and it will also teach him that you are not to be pushed around!

Be strong.

aloha · 02/11/2005 18:45

I honestly don't think he sounds as bad as other people think he is. If I were him, I'd be all over the place too. In a moment he's gone from dating someone -happily, but possibly quite casually - to being potentially a new parent and step-parent twice over with a woman who has quite a few difficulties, while he has his own problems seeing his son. He hasn't threatened you, has he? He's expressing his own fears and uncertainties in a manner that is upsetting for you certainly, but also honestly. He has come round to see you, he is calling you. He hasn't run away. He is ambivalent, but then so are you.
I DO sympathise with you. You are in a very difficult position and I can see why you are upset. But I am afraid I can also understand why he isn't instantly overjoyed either. I think the decision about whether or not to keep this baby has to be yours and yours alone, and based on the possibility that you may end up a single parent, albeit that I don't think he sounds as if he would be an indifferent father to this child if it is born.

Tortington · 02/11/2005 19:04

what do you want ?

sobernow · 02/11/2005 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 02/11/2005 19:10

bm2 - poor you, this is a horrible situation to be in. One of the problems of unplanned preganancies is that it calls into question all sorts of feelings about committment, future relationship, depth of relationship, before, perhaps, you are ready to start looking at those things between you.

You have said you 'don't want an abortion'.

Do you want another child?

POssible outcomes:
you have an abortion against your own true feelings because you are hoping to keep him. Result: potential for ongoing resentment against him, and ongoing unhappiness for you. and you split up.
You have an abortion because, actually, right now, you don't want another child. You and he may or may not last, and may or may not, have a baby in the future.
You have a child because you want one. He may or may not stay, but although things sound as if they will be very hard, you will be ok because you did want the child.
You have the child because you can't take the decision to have an abortion, but don't really want another baby atm. He may or may not stay, thigs will be incredibly hard, and you will find it much harder to put up with being single / face the other hardships.

I agree with Aloha, about the way he is reacting to it all.