Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

I wondered that too (re. arse-grabbing).

I don't want to get into the debate about whether this is or isn't rape (at the end of the day, that decision can only ever be made in a court) but I do find some of the posts here odd.

If OP's post is a correct reflection of what happened, then she did tell the bloke that she wasn't interested. He then carried on pushing and she eventually acquiesed. Even if she didn't actually say the word 'no', saying you're not interested doesn't really lack clarity.

Now, how many times should a woman need to say no (or that she isn't interested)? 3? 4? I always thought that once should be enough.

Even if OP had invited him in thinking about a quicky, that is irrelevant. She said no. Yes, she's been foolish and yes, shagging a bloke with a DP is pretty low, but that doesn't change the fact that this bloke has behaved appallingly.

I have never been asked if I wanted to have sex.

Sorry, but I think consent is given if you invite a man who fancies you into your house for coffee (why not suggest a neutral place? I have only ever had sex with one person, so am quite naive - but am not naive enough to go inviting lechy men in "for coffee"), then have sex with him on the table.

Yes Ingrid. Why didn't you tell the fucking perverted boundry crosser to get his fucking hand off you? I mean, we should be attacking you for the fact that some sleazeball touched you inappropriately in the playground, rather than being outraged at the fucking cheek of him.

Bubblewrapped, no, I'm not 'putting ideas into her head'!!!!! ?!

I have already explained several times why I would not have responded aggressively to the man who assaulted me and don't want to go over it again...it's clearly explained in some of my posts.

HildegardVonBlingen yes but law states a woman may take back consent at any time and the man must legally stop. Ops exact words were no you are in a relationship

She didnt say NO to him..

they were having a chat, he says he fancies her, she (now that she has found out he is in a relationship), is saying "oh well I would, but you are with someone, so no.. blah blah".. she clearly wasnt giving off a very "no" message as he starts to kiss her..

THEN she says "I didnt feel able to say no".. and goes ahead and has sex with him over the kitchen table..

That is NOT rape. In any sense of the word. The Op clearly doesnt feel violated in any way, she feels embarassed, she is probably wishing to god she hadnt posted this on here, and she is probably dreading facing him at the school gate now, but he did NOT rape her.

Thanks Shirley. Exactly.

HildegardVonBlingen Thu 03-Feb-11 13:26:38
'Sorry, but I think consent is given if you invite a man who fancies you into your house for coffee '

Seriously?

she was not raped or assaulted.

s

Ingrid you do not have anything to prove, ans people are being insensitive and horrid to imply you do.

A woman should be able to say no, once, and at any time during sex and have it respected.

Thanks, Crawling.

Bubble - I also had my two small children with me at the time and did not want to scare them by shouting or swearing at this man.

Agreed, Fab. We just need OP to clarify whether she actually did say no at any point, rather than not interested because he was in a relationship.

Bubblewraped it does not matter why op said no but her sentence clearly states she did not want sex with thid man regardless of whether she was attracted to himby that logic marital rape does not exist.

Actually, sorry OP. Of course you don't need to explain anything here to random internet sprites. I hope you're ok.

I also had my two small children with me at the time and did not want to scare them by shouting or swearing at this man.

Sorry but still not understanding that at all. Surely that gives your children the wrong message. If someone was to touch them inappropriately, would you not tell them to yell loudly "NO". I most certainly bloody would if some bloke touched me like that.

No, what we need to clarify is whether the OP feels that she was assaulted in any way.

Crawling, no, it doesnt. It clearly states that she regretted it afterwards. She does not at any point say she tried to stop him when he kissed her.

My children were not aware it was happening. One was in the buggy I was pushing, the other was walking a few feet ahead.

I did not want to cause them to be frightened so I pretended nothing was wrong.

What's the point of these questions anyway - are you trying to prove it was my fault he did this?

Chickens she did say no the reason why does not matter it makes no difference if I say I dont eant sex with my partner now but maybe later if he were to then force me to have sex it doesnt matter if I was going to do it later.

Bearing in mind Ingrid's first post was very supportive and all of this got blown out of proportion when she called him disgusting. Which he is.

and with respect due, you have no idea how you would react if a bloke touched you inappropriately in those circumstances. Not unless it has happened to you.

"The reason women don;t report their rapes is because of all the fucked-up rape apologists on this thread who think any woman who isn't dressed as a nun and speaks to men is up for sex wherever and whenever."

Wow. This is harsh, and very unfair indeed. Also it is either very badly worded, or you are very badly informed. There are many reasons women don't report rapes.