Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

All men are most definitely not rapists (just like all sales personnel are not fraudsters or unscrupulously pushy).
Enjoying porn doesn't make a man a rapist.
Being serially unfaithful and a total fannyrat doesn't make a man a rapist, either (a man who simply likes to have lots of sex with lots of different women but who is not a rapist might have made a pass at the OP, but the minute she said 'No, you've got a partner' he would have shrugged, finished his coffee and trotted off to find someone else to try his luck with.) A man can be monogamous and still be a rapist, if he has no interest whatsoever in whether his DP wants to have sex at any given time, but will just hop on and start fucking because he wants to.

Absolutely SGB. I once had this fuck-buddy who was incorrigibly promiscuous and I re-met up with him once summer where he tried it on "for old time's sake". I was tempted, but said no because I didn't want to go backwards IYSWIM. He reminded me I was missing out on a good thing and wished me well. He didn't rape me. Because even though he was a terrible shagger, who lots of women would describe as "thinking with his dick" he wasn't a rapist.

No wonder women who are raped don't report it after seeing the level of victim-blaming amoungst so call intelligent women.

Feminists = lesbians!!! Shit better tell my DH (one of the men who understands about consentual sex) that I will have to divorce him ASAP. Bloody ridiculous!

Finally OP hope your okay, please take care

So, so much for not posting again. Was taking a breather from here, but havn't slept for two nights, thinking this subject over. An incident from years ago kept flashing up in my mind.

I was at a celebration in a hotel, a man who was friends with one of our crowd had had a baby and so we were toasting this. I had a room booked at the hotel, but he asked for help bringing gifts to his flat, across the road and I was the lucky one He tried it on in his flat, I was firm. As we came out the flat into his stairway, he tried to enter me, so fast, so shockingly, that I blanche when people on here post (jokingly) about men 'just falling over and landing in a woman's vagina' when caught cheating. I had been walking ahead, slowly in heels, down the stairs when he grabbed me and tried, he must have had his c... out at the ready . It was so shocking and I was so angry that I now do understand what a lot of you mean by being disassociated from what's going on. He didn't get to rape me, but possibly only because we were in a stairwell where folk lived and I shouted loudly.

Anyway, I felt confused and angry but couldn't define what had just occured, had no frame of reference for it. i didn't tell people what had just happened, I felt that somehting filthy and wierd had gone on and that I would be in some way disbelieved, oddly, as my friends were great people. Then four years ago I was attending a funeral of a mutual friend and he was there. At our hotel, some of the crowd came to my room to drop off their coats and he was latching on. We all had a quick drink and were about to go to the bar when he decided he needed the loo, he would meet us down there An hour later, no sign. I went upstairs, with a pal, and opened the door. He was lying naked on the bed! I went mental, screamed at him to get out and called security. My friend was astoninshed when he started trying to cajole me into letting him stay for a drink. He literally did not give a fuck! A year later I read in the press he was charged with raping the babysitter and I cried for weeks. He has contacts all over the courts, I knew he would walk and I felt guilty for not being able to prevent it. I did however, inform the police what had happened to me years ago.

Predictably he got off, with a not proven (Scotland) but there were many women who came out to speak up and his life is in tatters.

Having said all that, I still don't fully believe the op was raped, I do however, think the creep is capable of rape, but because she didn't try to shout out and stop things,and joined in by touching and removing clothes, I don't think you will know how he would react and it's unfair to make that call. But I do understand that if the op feels it was, it was, because she was there. Or maybe she will take her time, like lots of you say.

So, in a way, the massive dialogue has been worth it, as it has dug out something that was effectively filed as 'miscellaneous' in my brain and made sense of it. So thanks for that ladies. However, I do find the reference to rape deniers as needlessly offensive and inflammetory and the pathetic jibe that I was like a puppy on the leg of OneMoreChap, looking for validation, well, ridiculous. And bitter. And that's what let's feminsim down, for me.

Jeez, I'm sorry someone said that to you, Perfumedlife - I didn't see it, I was out for several hours during the day and only skimmed the bits I missed.

So sorry to hear you've been lying awake and also about your horrible experience.
I'm glad the bloke was ruined by being taken to court. What a strange man.

You did so well to shout and get away from him.

I haven't gone into what happened to me in a physical way, only in terms of the mental processes that went with it. That's because I am afraid to dredge up the anger. I might one day.

As far as I know he is still with the woman he was dating, and probably still fucks random women whenever he feels like it. He is a strutting pig of a man.

perfumedlife... that's terrible. :(

You'd think he would have learned from his first interraction with you that you weren't interested and that he'd stepped too far. He sounds such a creep.

Agree entirely with your last paragraph. We ought to be able to discuss and disagree with each other without resorting to insults.

Thanks Ingrid

I know what you say about dredging it up, not eaten either, it really comes back raw.

There must be thousands upon thousands of men with this attitude. What I want to know is, where do they get it? I mean, I am a natural feminsist, it had never, ever, not once, occured to me that I had fewer rights or opportunities than men. My father was such a brilliant role model, along with my mum. And he was raised by a strong, loving woman. So, where do these warped men get their ideas? Is it in the d.n.a. if it's not in the upbringing?

He sounds like a proper narciccist I think.

Thanks too LyingWitch, I agree.

By d.n.a., please know I am not implying they can't help it But so many men are wonderful, and come from similar backgrounds to abusers so where, where does that sense of hatred and entitelment come from?

100% agree PF, that is what sparked my rather large outburst yesterday.

Those comments, I saw them, it let the side down as far as feminism goes.

I'll read the rest of this thread.

"Predictably he got off, with a not proven (Scotland) but there were many women who came out to speak up and his life is in tatters."

Let's all remind ourselves that if he had anonymity, as so many people want for rape defendents, those women would not have come forward, his life would not be in tatters, people would assume that teh au pair was a lying trollope, and he would still be raping other au pairs.

May I ask why those of you who are saying that sonmeone being rude or sarcastic on a thread lets feminism down, think that?

If someone says they're a labour voter, or a tory, or a liberal or a socialist and they're rude to someone else, do you think that means you can dismiss a whole philosophy on the basis that you don't like how one or a couple of individuals expressed themselves?

Why do you lot expect feminists to be more polite and well-mannered than any other group, even though they are more insulted than any other group?

I still wonder about the bloke who raped me - whether he went on to rape other women afterwards. I blocked his surname from my memory so I will never know. He was going back to university and the knowledge that there were going to be lots of young women there who perhaps weren't that self-confident fills me with horror.

He didn't think he raped me either :(

Because yesteday Herbex on this thread and others, supposes "feminists" were referring to those with differing views, as no more than man lap jumping dogs, in their little clique. Rape apologists and excusers.

When to be frank they really didn't have a clue who they were judging and considering these people shout the feminist cause, to be treating other women in this way, was a huge let down.

Thanks for your reply to me Ingrid, I shall reply in depth later, I am only on here quickly. I have gtg!

emmyloopsylou has it. Just because some have talked of their experiences publicly doesn't mean that their views are any more valid than the views of anybody else. You never do know who you're talking to on a chatboard, nor what they have and haven't expreienced in their lives.

To refer to other woman as 'man lap jumping dogs, rape apologists and excusers' is disgusting.

So you do think feminists should behave better than other people with similar political ideas then? Do you feel let down when socialists do the same thing, or tories? Or is it just feminists?

Do you think that feminists might feel simliarly let down, when they read pages and pages of shit by other women justifying rape? And more, don't you think that rape victims feel even more let down by other women than feminists do, when they wade through pages and pages of shit about how they weren't really raped becasue they didn't behave the way rape myths say they should have?

Which group would be more damaged and hurt, do you think?

Actually lyingwitch, it's only disgusting to refer to people in those terms if that's not what they're doing.

What do you think is more disgusting?: insulting people and being rude about them in a clique, or promoting rape myths?

I didn't say I dismissed a whole philosophy based on how a few people express themselves. I said I felt let down by it. That is different. I speak to everyone with respect, and I expect it in return, socialist, feminist, tory, whomever. I think when you are trying to make a point, and be heard, no matter how infuriating, to resort to spite let's the cause down.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Being bolshy is all very modern, but I don't see it working. That doesn't mean just because feminists are women they should be all 'sweetness' but that I personally prefer to speak with respect and be spoken to in kind.

My questions are fairly theoretical btw, I didn't want to wade through the therad so that I could get angry and triggered, so I didn't see the pages to which you are referring - I;m not accusing you directly. I'm just intrigued that so many women are so hostile to feminism and feminists, and yet expect them to behave better than anyone else and feel angry and outraged when the people they generally insult and deride, insult them. It's just a bit odd.

I suppose I expect a group of women on Mumsnet to support each other, to discuss things - agree or disagree without vitriol - and move on without baggage of who said what and which camp is this person in and that one, etc.

I don't know what your reference to socialists and tories refers to really. They're politicians, they lie, they think they're doing a good job. How is that similar to this scenario?

Why do you think you have the right to disregard other posters' views as 'shit' just because you don't agree with them and what posts have made you think that they are of any woman 'justifying rape'? No rape victim was disparaged on this thread.

We're not 'groups' here... if we are then that's what's wrong with this board. To insult and name-call other posters with names like those is nothing whatsoever to do with feminism and don't you or anyone else dare dress it up as such.

Well I'll answer that later as I have to go.

Would you like me to answer as someone who was called a rape apologist and rape myth spreader or someone who has been raped more times than I remember?