Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

sgb, I do love thee

totally agree sgb

i think he started another thread to take the discussion there. Whilst this is a very worthwhile discussion, i really don't think this is the place to have it and deeply regret my (albeit minor) contribution. Apologies for brevity, on my phone.

Excellent post SGB, very eloquent, thank you.

It took me three years to call what happend to me rape.

In those three years, if anyone had asked me if it was rape, I would have laughed it off as a silly mistake and denied it was rape. It was far too horrifying to acknowledge what had happened and i didn't see myself as a victim so I was determined not to define myself as one.

Didn't make any difference though, I had been a rape victim, it had been rape and it affected my relationships, my sex life, my self-esteem and my mental and emotional health. But if any of you lot had asked me, I would have said no, of course I hadn't been raped. And the rape apologists on this thread, would have said to those who called it what it was, to STFU becasue if I said it wasn't rape, then it wasn't rape.

Except it was.

If you insist that when a woman says it's not rape then it automatically isn't rape, then you are promoting a rape myth. Please be very clear about that. I don't know whether this was rape or not because I can't bear to read the whole thread, but I do know that those of you who say that the only thing which determines if it's rape is woman's current opinion, are spreading rape myths. It took me three years. It takes some women 10 or 20. Some other women never call it what it is. Stop spreading rape myths please, they are dangerous for women and all of you are either a woman or have women in your lives you care about, why do you want to be part of the problem? Be part of the solution, if you think I'm talking crap, look at the rape crisis website to get yourself informed by the experts and stop repeating rape myths please.

i think he started another thread to take the discussion there. Whilst this is a very worthwhile discussion, i really don't think this is the place to have it and deeply regret my (albeit minor) contribution. Apologies for brevity, on my phone.

Great post SGB

Noel, I was date raped when I was 18

I even went on to socialise with my rapist for a while in an attempt to "normalise" it

I didn't acknowledge that until I was in my 30's

I don't know if that has any relevance to the original scenario here, but I have talked about it on here before, and had support from other women who have been through similar experiences

just now seemed a good time to mention it again

if h2o comes back tomorrow,next month or in 5 years time and says she was raped,I would respect and honour her.

I have listened to what she has said yesterday and today and I have understood that she has said it wasn't rape.

I respect what she has said and I will not being questioning a sexual encounter that she has had ,only she can decide how it was for her and how she feels about it.

AF, that's a really common scenario and one which most people don't know about, because they get taught rape myths instead of the truth about rape.

That's why I urge anyone who feels that they've been labelled a rape apologist unfairly, to go and find out some truths from the people who know about this, instead of relying on a thread on t'interweb full of rape myths and then continuing to repeat those rape myths time after time in RL.

Every time you repeat a rape myth, you are choosing to be part of the problem. Every time you debunk a rape myth, you are choosing to be part of the solution.

Dittany - I kind of feel the opposite. I find the thought that I could have done something different to prevent it (and didn't) so scary. It makes me feel blameworthy.

I think that women have to give a fair indication that they do not want sex for it to be considered rape, at the time the sex actually takes place.

Larrygrylls, the absence of no does not mean the answer is yes. Men should get fair indication that the answer is yes before sex. Your post implies that women are in a constant state of consent unless they specifically indicate that they do not wish to have sex. I truly hope this was not your intention :)

I had repeated forced, unwanted sex from my boss.

It wasn't consensual though it was to everyone else snurking in the office.

He was 20 years older than me. I am his age now, which has brought a lot of perspective to the situation for me.

I was in my twenties. He was married with a small child.

I burned the copies of, among others, Doctor Zhigavo, the Collector, Lolita and The Picture of Dorian Gray he so kindly gave me to read.

I spit in his general direction.

"People who treat other people like this have a radar for those who are a bit less than assertive, who won't want to make a fuss, who will find it hard to believe that the smiling charm hides a genuine predator."

Just to highlight this bit of SGB's post because it's so true.

It's maybe worth mentioning that Gavin DeBecker describes this phenomenon in 'The Gift of Fear' - that our social conditioning (to be nice, polite, not hurt feelings etc) is often used against us.

"I think that women have to give a fair indication that they do not want sex for it to be considered rape, at the time the sex actually takes place."

What is a fair indication Larry?

Most non-rapist men who are competent lovers, would say that the absence of enthusiastic participation, is a fair indication that a woman doesn't want sex.

Your post makes it sound like you belive that women are responsible for ensuring that rape doesn't take place Larry. Unfortunately, we can't be responsible for that, because we don't have control over men's behaviour. Only they do. Women can't stop rape, only men can. If we could, we'd have stopped it thousands of years ago.

HTH. Please tell your sons and daughters people.

i think he started another thread to take the discussion there. Whilst this is a very worthwhile discussion, i really don't think this is the place to have it and deeply regret my (albeit minor) contribution. Apologies for brevity, on my phone.

I have made a point of saying that it is H20's right to label her experience however she wants to- I have not seen pressure (and certainly haven't put any on her) for her to do otherwise.

What I will say, however, is that some of the people on this thread need perhaps to re-examine their ideas around consent and what rape is, so that they don't continue to perpetuate dangerous myths.

That's exactly what I think BoF

I do understand Dittany,although I have not been raped,I have suffered sexual abuse.

I'm up for listening to people and not declaring that they feel like x,y and z.

That would be presumptuous and actually quite offensive.

I have listened to h20 and have respected what she has deduced from yesterdays encounter.

:( UA

I would have burnt the books too. What a shit.

SGB thank you. You just explained my mental grey area with absolute clarity - the salesman analogy is exactly the right one.

I believe that there are also chancers/opportunists (rather than serial 'salesmen') who may not make a habit of targeting vulnerable women, but who find themselves in situations where they see a weakness and seize their chance.

I suspect this is far more common than many of the other scenarios actually.

Bitof that's bit disingenuous. We need names please.

Please pick out and name the posters you think are perpetuating dangerous myths about rape. Ta.

With all respect to h20 she has started a very startling debate.