Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

Ingrid,

See my previous post..I assume we X posted.

No, it's not - perhaps it was for your euphemistic generation but it certainly isn't for ours.

If that were the case I'd have had to have sex with an awful lot of men.

Ingrid,

Do you just say "come in, I would like to fuck you"?

I am sorry I am such a dinosaur.

Sorry to disappoint but it would usually, I believe, involve getting to know someone just slightly - perhaps over coffee - and then going on to have more intimate liaisons, perhaps over dinner or of an evening...it definitely wouldn't involve instantaneous sex over the kitchen table at 9am.

Maybe with a one night stand, an invitation for coffee might be construed as an invitation for sex but that would normally be at night after an evening together where clear signals had already been exchanged.

Coffee=sex at 9am is really, really odd and in my experience, enters the remit of those who would consider sex to be separate from the person it is performed upon/with.

Ingrid,

Seriously, think about the context of what we are discussing!

2 people who scarcely know one another. He pulls up in front of her in his car and she invites him in for coffee.

I agree with you about all the above, but the context of the OP is a one night stand, albeit at 9AM.

Ingrid - don't get drawn in to debating with this prat.

I have done this on a couple of occasions - not the exact scenario but ended up having sex or something with a bloke when I didn't really want to or feel turned on...

I feel that I didn't stop it because of low self esteem and also being ashamed that I wasn't enjoying it like I should have been...

Luckily I'm now in a relationship where I don't feel like that.

H20 - don't beat yourself up about it - it may have been that your judgement is off because of the other things going on in your life at the moment. Just learn from it and move on.

I have thought about it rather a lot thankyou Larry, and to me that would be very, very odd behaviour for him to want sex immediately rather than, you know, - coffee.

They had just discussed having coffee together. They had not flirted, they had barely spoken.

Coffee was realistic imo and in the opinion of the OP - to get to know him, she thought he might 'ask her out' but he didn't. He went stright into a monologue about her body and worked himself up so much that he could barely contain himself.

And actually, didn't.

That's ridiculous behaviour for a grown man at 9am. Utterly bizarre.

Why - have you done similar?

Thanks Janos! I don't think it's going to be too taxing...

Larry, surely when the OP said that she wasn't interested because he had a partner, that was the clear indication of her lack of desire.

Why does the invitation for coffee (which doesn't necessarily imply an invitation to sex at 9am after the school run) trump the verbal "i'm not interested" in your mind?

I is possible that this guy has previous for this kind of thing and this is his MO. Spot a vulnerable, low self esteem woman and engineer an unthreatening situation like above and make a fast calculated move - have sex with her before she really has time to think about it - he knows she will blame herself and will not report it - I do believe these kind of guys exist and it is rape though of a very difficult kind to prove or process mentally. Whether he would have become threatening or violent we don't know.

Or it could have been a heap of misunderstand and crossed signals that resulted in not so good casual sex which the OP understandably doesn't feel great about.

Only the Op can decide - even if it takes time for her to process it.

'Before someone jumps on me, "inviting in for coffee" is not, in itself, sexual. But, if you hardly know someone, have been eyeing one another up and then invite him in for coffee, it is clearly an invitation of a sexual nature.'

Not influenced in any way by your porn habit/fantasy larry?

Let me ask - 'There are plenty of other ways to communicate a clear "no"'

If sex is a dialogue then why doesn't the man communicate a clear 'I fancy a shag?' - does every kiss/cuddle mean a man wants sex? Enlighten me

One of the reasons that some women who have been raped don't want to admit to themselves that that's what happened - and this was certainly true of me - is that they don't want to admit that they were a victim, that their choice was taken away, that something like that was done to them and they had no control over it. I think it's one of the reasons rape victims blame themselves because it's a way of feeling in control - if they'd done something differently then it wouldn't have happened. It's hard to realise that there was nothing you could have done and the rapist was going to do what he wanted anyway.
Dittany, despite our frank disagreements earlier in this thread, your post here, has really struck a chord with me. I have to say I'm confused now. I felt very sure upthread, now I'm not so.

I hate it when women have such little respect for themselves they will sleep with another womans man. Yes he's a swine, but we all know men are stupid and think with their genitals. Id be asking his partner to get checked for sti's

Hey, you know what I hate?

When a man doesn't listen to a woman saying she's not interested and forces her to have sex.

Know what else I hate? People who make idiotic generalisations about people based on their sex.

This idea that strangers having coffee is obviously a prequel to sex sounds like a scenario straight out of a cheap porno to me.

rialee that's a disgusting misogynist comment and a huge insult to all the lovely men in my life who do no such thing.

Avon I was also vocal on this thread along the lines of "how ridiculous to call this rape".

After reading posters awful expeiences of rape, I have though a lot about the whole thing.

I now think we should listen and take note of what is being said by posters who have been through this harrowing experience.

Misandry I think you mean Kitty? Not misogyny

Oh Larry is not dense, he just wants to excuse rape. He thinks women are responsible for communicating to men that they don't wants sex, but he doesn't think men are responsible to women to check that women do. Which seeing as how it's the man who is going to insert a bit of his body into a bit of the woman's body, ought to strike anyone reasonable as the wrong way round, but Larry, like most of society, isn't reasonable on this issue and that is why the number of rapes is so high and the number of convictions for rape is so low.

I've invited women into my house who I hardly know, who I've chatted to a couple of times and eyed up to see if they'd be nice friends. D'you think thye thought that was a sexual invitiation? Or can men and women not communicate without it being a signal that sex might be on the cards Larry, even if one of those people has a partner?

Rialee, you sound like a man-hater. The men you know might think with their cocks, but as far as I am aware, most of the men I know, use their brains.

Misandry even yes :)

'Yes he's a swine, but we all know men are stupid and think with their genitals'

Poor things, we must learn to make allowances, of course.

"It is interesting, given your second paragraph, that you do not believe yourself to be a rapist. After all, even men have unenthusiastic half hearted sex sometimes, to please their partner. I am 100% certain that it has happened at least once in your life, even if you are the best lover since aphrodite."

Unenthusiastic half hearted sex is not rape, stop pretending that that's what people are saying in order to present our arguments as unreasonabel. Plus, any man who doesn't want to be inside a woman, generally is bigger and stronger than her and therefore can get the hell out with or without her co-operation. Whereas a woman who doesn't want a man inside her, can only get him out with his co-operation. HTH.