Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

I was talking to OneMoreChap BTino.

I don't know if its rape but I suspect I am not clever enough to understand all the elements of this situation.

All I know is that I have been in similar situations and then just gone ahead with it even though I didn't particularly want to. I felt that I had come this far and it would be "unfair" on him to back out at this point. As I begin to become more emotionally intelligent I do question this and wonder why I was putting this mans needs before my own. Why did I do that? Have I been conditioned to do so?

On one occasion with an ex who I really didn't find attractive anymore I remember actually thinking to myself "hold on, you don't actually have to do this if you don't want to, you don't even like him anymore" so I didn't, he had a good old rant about how I must have met someone else, I hadn't and seemed to find it difficult to accept that I just didn't want to. I have had other similar experiences with men who keep pushing and pushing to a point where you are worried that they might not stop even if you DID say No.

I found the OP quite upsetting because I related very strongly to how she was feeling throughout. I do think that there is a huge sense of obligation from the woman sometimes in these kinds of situation and I think I am scared to really consider why in case I explode at the injustice of it all.

I think tentatively, that I agree with Dittany as well and that is based not just on what she has posted here but on my own experiences also.

You made the point that some people might get away and others might not, so why take the risk?

Anyway we're just going around in circles now. The majority, including the OP herself say it wasn't rape.

The majority are agreed on risk taking and that we all need to take care of ourselves.

The majority agree that no matter what the situation, crime is crime and should be punished.

The minority will never agree on anything and choose only to read into things what they want. So I might save my breath now and go and do something useful instead.

shimmery, all experiences are different and unless we were there, experiencing ourselves we don't really know what happened. We are hearing a brief account from the OP. We don't know what his take on it all was.

But she has consistently said that she did go along with it, she didn't freeze, she did participate. So I think it's best left there.

Hope your own issues have been resolved since and that you are with someone who has full respect for you, who deserves you :)

Karma,

Each situation is different but that is not how I am reading it. She also goes on about how the sex was crap and THAT IT ONLY LASTED 2 MINUTES. I imagine that, were this, in any sense, rape, it would be a case of the shorter the better.

He is clearly neither a decent man nor any good at sex. That does not, however, make him a rapist.

We are saying that she took a risk in inviting someone she did not know, who had been leering at her, into her house whilst she was alone.

Many people were saying that this was a perfectly normal thing to do. It isn't.

I agree with Dittany here. It was the first thing that popped into my head when I read the OP and was in disbelief when I read the "never mind hon" type comments.

I kind of see where people are coming from with the "we all make mistakes" comments, but it just feels to me like more than a silly mistake. It may not affect the OP now other than guilt, but it could in the future and really it is harrassment at best. A little visit to the police or talk to someone in RL about this. GP? My gut feeling is that this is not the first time this guy has done this...

He is clearly neither a decent man nor any good at sex. That does not, however, make him a rapist.

larrygrylles I haven't seen where OP complained that it was only 2 minutes. She said she didn't know what to do and felt awkward when he started kissing her and touching her bum after she told him she wasn't interested. She says it was "crap" and she felt "crap". She's feeling ashamed, she says that much in the title of the thread. She has no need to feel ashamed, nothing she did was "asking for it" she told him she wasn't interested. No need to say more really.

The OP did state in a post earlier in the thread that she was relieved it was only 2 mins

"Just like the mugger isn't excused because I took my watch off myself and gave it to him."

This is such a good analogy. You give the watch why? because your instinct wants to spare more violence and fatal damage to your body.

TheLibster.

"The sex was utterly crap (TMI alert - 2 minutes of penetrative sex). It felt utterly devoid of any erotism, enjoyment or emotion."

Scarlett,

I do not read that as her being relieved that it was only 2 minutes. In fact, in using it as an explanation as to why the sex was crap, she is implying that she would like it to have been longer.

Of course, without the OP coming back and explaining, it is all theorising

Well I read it the opposite way. Oh God. We must have been projecting!

larrygrylls Hadn't seen that. I would like to read the whole post if you can give me a page number? (this thread moves so fast I can hardly keep up) All I will say is, the man made OP feel powerless, (awkward, didn't know what to do) it would be a classic knee-jerk reaction for her to want to injure him in some way to make herself feel less weak. Ridiculing his "performance", even though he, himself, will not read it, would be a pretty standard attempt at a body blow.

I too read that as meaning the sex was crap because it was devoid of "erotism, enjoyment or emotion" That if it had lasted longer and there had been some enjoyment, the sex wouldn't have been "utterly crap"

The feeling the OP describes that I identify with is the feeling of violation.

I've had a crap one night stand that only lasted a couple of minutes with no foreplay. I found out later that he had a girlfriend and was mighty pissed off with him. But I never felt violated. It was just shit sex and he was a fuckwit.

The feeling of violation she describes (feeling dirty, needing a shower) reminds me of how I felt when I was raped.

Larry,

I don't think the OP is saying that she wanted it to be longer. I think that she is saying that she wanted it to be enjoyable. It's very unlikely that an individual who doesn't actually want sex would find it enjoyable.

I don't understand where the investment lies in vehement denial that it could have been rape, assault, violation - technically or legally or otherwise.

I wholeheartedly agree. God this thread has thoroughly depressed me, and brought back some terrible memories, but I wanted to post, having read all of it, to express my support for Ingrid and dittany. I admire your determination to fight the good fight in the face of all the hostility. I just couldn't.

H20 I really hope you are feeling better. Please tell someone in RL and have them do the school run with you if this creep looks as though he might cause you any problems. If he did, it would be important for him to know someone else knows and you have support.

There was definately a post where she said she was Actually relieved it was so quick.

Again: Those of you who are saying it wasn't rape and it was all her own fault for not actually punching him in the face - would you persist in having sex on someone or touching their body after they had said 'No thanks' or even 'Not right now, thanks'?
Here's a very simple concept that I don;t get why stupid people don't understand.
'Consent' is not just the absence of loudly saying no. Consenting sex is mutually participatory and involves enthusiasm from all concerned. Otherwise it's one person having sex on another person rather than with another person, and that's not a good thing.

Yeah she also said she wasn't assaulted.

"It was more a case of might as well get it over and done with, like a rollercoaster ride that you can't get off once you are strapped in, but you realise you are not enjoying - although mercifully in this case, not as long lasting..."

Not what I call enjoyment and a desire for it to last longer do you?

Applause for Stuffing.

And Eldritch, many thanks for saying that. I am coming to the end of my wits on this one and am fairly tired, but I think I was able to keep going due to the enormous support from both other people coming into the thread and also from the many people who sent me PMs saying how much they wanted me to be saying these things, because it was a relief to them to have someone believe them and to describe the way they had felt, and defend the way they had behaved in relation to some awful experiences.

That is what kept me going.

Well if we are all "stupid people" SGB that is obviously the reason we dont understand