Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

But Ingrid the OP has said she wasn't raped. We believe everything she said, we believe what she felt. We do not believe she was raped and neither does she.

Did she call you stupid, in particular? No.

"There were two posters on this thread that suggested that h20 wear jeans and a jumper to school..

I did at that seeing as they were the ones debating the fact of whether h20 had been raped."

thingumy I suggested she dress in jeans and jumper so he knew exactly that she wasn't up for anything else and I never commented on whether I thought she had been raped or not.

SGB you state
"Consenting sex is mutually participatory and involves enthusiasm from all concerned"

I have had sex and not been enthusastic (including with DH). I have never felt remotely close to being assaulted/threatened/raped....

I suppose it depends hugely on what your definition of rape is. And clearly some of you think that unless the woman is bruised and battered afterwards, she hasn't been raped

Quicklookbusy I totally agree although it would seem what the OP said happened and what she believes to have happened are totally irrelevant here.

Thanks for correcting that, Fab - I was the other one, though my suggestion was qualified, and I didn't say she was raped either, though I did debate it (I thought we all did though - from one side, or the other, or in the middle)

Mind you Thingumy has come up with some other things that weren't terribly accurate as far as I can remember, so don't worry too much (all due respect, Thingumy)

I do think actually that one or two people have been rather naive about what these situations-what Valium called 'sex to be polite'-are really like.

Based on that, some people have judged h20 far too harshly. Honestly, unless this kind of sexual manipulation and pressure has happened to you, it can be very difficult to grasp how hard resisting it can be. So many of us are conditioned to be conciliatory to men.

One also can't know how one would react until the situation arises. I'd love to be able to say I kick ass like Pam Grier, but I know from bitter experience the reality is otherwise.

The lack of compassion for h20 from certain quarters is something I have found genuinely shocking.

Rhadegunde

When women say they have been raped, they have been raped (OK, vanishingly tiny exceptions)

When women say they haven't been raped... what do you assume.

This isn't a man saying anything other than listen to what the OP said.

I think PL quite a wise poster summed it up very well in another thread, MN can get to you so it's sometimes wise to step away.

Some of you must have been on here all day, bashing out your view over the net, do you never step away from the keyboard?

FTR I think the feminist clique on here, are some of the mosty snidey, nasty, vindictive bullies I have ever had the misfortune to come across.

They all gang up in their little clique against the menz and women who can't see the female victim in every scenario.

Being outright nasty or snidy to women who don't see their point of view, yet they can't see the whole irony when they are shouting the feminist mantra. Trying to be more controlling and aggressive than the menz they bang on about.

Head the flaming in my direction, I have to serve dinner so can't be on to reply, I know such a under the thumb wife and it's Friday night so may not be back on.

Some of you may do well to step away from the pc for say 5 minutes.

Shut up, Emmyloopsylou.

We all know what you think and set no store by it. It's meaningless.

Half of what you've said on this thread has been inaccurate and ridiculous.

So I don't think many of us will be taking your posts very seriously.

Genuinely not wanting to be controversial or snide here, but what is the significance of the spelling 'menz' please?

and I say that as a non feminist. I'm not a feminist so presumably you're not even talking about me.

You feel like being offensive, so go ahead, but it's just waffle imo. You can't back yourself up one little bit.

'menz'? what is that?

and fwiw I've been off this thread for more time than I've been on it, because yes, I too have a real life.

Some of us have our lives under control emmy and think this is an interesting discussion :)

FWIW - I'm not sure it's rape either but I think it's a very interesting to debate those grey areas around rape.

if the sex had been good then op would never have started this thread. Maybe a different 'omg i'm ow what do i do' type of thread

Oh fuck off thebrownstuff.

Some of your responses to each other are really funny. I'd love to say "shut up" to people at work but would never have the nerve. On the forum though - no-one will know who I am so maybe I will just say "shut-up everyone". Leave H20 alone to get over her shame and someone, for god's sake, start another thread!

I haven't got time to read all the responses but I don't think in the earlier ones that H20 felt she had been raped??

Very sensible Mummy, we should all just walk away now.......

Glad you find it so funny...

Fwiw ifsomeone at work called you a 'nasty, spiteful, vindictive bully' - or a feminist, actually, well seeing as it's considered a term of abuse among some people - I hope you would tell them to 'shut up.'

I might be wrong Dittany but I suspect she is using the thread to have a general lash out at people whose posts she has neither read properly nor understood, only to flounce off and not read the replies.

How brave, how noble.

Ingrid - as I said, I didn't read the entire thread. I have been called a bully at work by someone that was going through a disciplinary process. Didn't like it either as it's absolutely not true. I didn't tell them to shut-up, not appropriate but I did get to dismiss them!

I support your right to retaliate!

There's no need to re-articulate the debate over and over. Some people are refusing to consider alternative arguments and that is essentially a stalemate.

The number of awful, horrible posts saying she 'probably wanted it', had asked for it because she invited him into her house, hadn't said 'no' (although she did just in a different freaking expression), hadn't kicked, screamed etc etc is amazing to me. Some people really are stuck in the stone age and think women are in a perpetual state of consent unless forcibly expressed otherwise. what a strange world.