Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

I'm a bit worried about her actually. I do hope she is alright.

DeirdreBarlow - what do you think '"I probably would have had to push him off' means?

To me, that says that she thought he would have persisted if she had asked him to stop. So raping (or attempting to rape her) using force.

Hi Everyone
Thanks so much for your support.

I took my son in and held my head high as instructed - was not looking forward to it but am the sort of person that generally gets things over with, so off I went.

I didn't see him. Not sure if his son was there or not yet. I decided not to hang around. I just did what I needed to and left.

I would imagine if he has any sense he is hiding.

Just been for a walk. Feeling a bit cross but otherwise OK. Really has hit home that it is up to me to have better boundaries, or some people do take advantage.

Bummer that I couldn't get it over with though

Oh thanks for letting us know

I'm really glad that nothing negative happened, anyway - you might get away with just ignoring him after all.

Boundaries are important as is protecting ourselves but it doesn't mean it was your fault in any way.

Take care.

HildegardVonBlingen - wow - big projection of attitudes in your post towards me! Where on earth did I mention perversion?

Absolutely nothing wrong with fantasising - and when two people mutually and consensually live it out, all the better - although, in my experience, and I've had quite a lot, fantasy is usually much better than reality!

Wanting to make fantasy reality can make you so determined in your actions - in all sorts of things far far beyond sex that it makes you ignore all of the signals around you.

Hope this morning went OK for you h20.

Glad all is well with you H20

Onwards and upwards eh?

Good to hear, h20. Be kind to yourself

oh, cross post. Glad to hear you are OK, what you say here..."Really has hit home that it is up to me to have better boundaries, or some people do take advantage"....I'm afraid I'd say absolutely yes - sometimes it's not even as much as taking advantage, it's just doing what they want which is not what you want.

Hi h20. Just wanted to send you a message of support and some un-mumsnetty hugs. You are not at fault here. Go easy on yourself.

FFS!!!

h20 Thu 03-Feb-11 15:35:56
I was not attacked.

I just felt ambivalent about sex, and I did felt a bit pressurised, but not forced.

It left me feeling dirty because I didn't get anything from it, and there was no love or even like involved.

OP says she wasn't raped - and in THIS case that is all that counts.

The same situation different woman and yes she may well say it was rape, if she felt forced and so yes it would be.

I think ladybiscuit that just because she assumed she would have had to push him off that it is not necesarily what would have happened. There is no fact that she did push him off. Not that she should have had too to refuse consent either. But the OP herself admitted in a further post that she did kiss him and put her hands on his body. i personally do not find that passive.

If she had asked him to get off he may well have stopped. The fact is none of us were there and do not know.

Xpost - H20 good to hear you are okay

I don't understand where the investment lies in vehement denial that it could have been rape, assault, violation - technically or legally or otherwise.

So few rapes are successfully convicted for that I would have thought it was unlikely to suddenly flood our prisons with innocent men if we just considered the possibility.

For the record, in hindsight I think he thought me saying I wasn't interested was me game playing, and I didn't follow through with my actions to back it up. I don't know what would have happenned if I had said no and resisted - it is speculation, but having been badly physically intimidated by my ex-h, it didn't feel like that kind of vibe.

I think that the posters that said that he is probably into porn are right. He was totally caught up in the fantasy of me, my body, my clothes etc, not me. He could no doubt do with sorting his head out if he wants happy relationships, but fortunately thats not my problem (she says, hoping that's not famous last words when he then starts stalking her...

I didn't say she was attacked or forced Deirdre. I said she was worried that she might be.

And of course none of us know what might have happened if she had resisted more strongly but I do not believe any man is oblivious to a woman really not being that into it. Otherwise that's taking a pretty dim view of men don't you think?

H20 - thanks for the update. Hope you have a good weekend and yes, I think it would be good for you to think/go and talk to someone about boundaries. Take care x

If you want to continue your debate,maybe start a separate post?

Maybe h2o would like to leave this to rest now?

h20, that's really good to know. Perhaps he wouldn't have gone for it if you had resisted - we can't say for sure.

I am always glad to hear of men NOT inciting that kind of fear in women.

One fewer in the world is a good thing...so I hope you are right.

I still think he was an arse though.

I agree Thingumy.

Like said before, get yourself to your GUM clinic or family planning clinic and get yourself tested for any STIs plus GON and CLAM you just cant take chances nowadays.

If it has happened once it could have happened a dozen times ...... its not as if anyone is going to admit it has happened to them if they feel the same as you.

BTW you have to wait for two weeks before you go to get tested as nothing will (if there is indeed anything)show up before then.

I've just had a chance to look at this mornng's posts. By saying he was a porn watcher I wasn't implying that that was necessarily bad, I am talking about feeling objectified really.

I like to engage in fantasy myself, and acting it out with someone I'm into and sharing the fantasy is fun. I'm also not above objectifying a partner's bum, legs, forearms or whatever it is about them that I find a turn on.

But.. and big but here, I don't lose sight of the person, and it is ultimately respectful. That's the difference.

He was/is an arse and I will get tested..

Absolutely right. Respect is key here.

You sound very sensible and intelligent but I hope we have all helped a little bit.

If you do have further issues with him don't hesitate to post again. We will do our best to see him off for you

I am glad you are feeling better H20 and some distance over the weekend will help.

As an aside, and sorry to hijack, this thread has given me a lot of food for thought about how male and female sexuality is framed and how the issue of consent and non-consent is muddied up by it. I haven't thought this much about the issue since I was a student. And I am now very conscious about thinking how I bring my son up in this fucked up society.

Thanks IngridB, yes, I haven't told anyone in RL (yet?), so it has been REALLY helpful. I have hardly covered myself in glory, but still, onwards and upwards, hopefully...

And yes Shwarzkopf, and everyone else, the ensuing debate has been very thought provoking. It has definately helped me in a more general way to consider these issues.