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Original poster

Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

1000 replies

h20 · 03/02/2011 11:09

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Cretaceous · 04/02/2011 10:36

For goodness sake! The OP had a horrid experience. She's learnt from it. Whether it was or wasn't technically actual rape is not a matter of debate, as it won't end up in a court of law.

We don't know whether he watched porn or romantic movies - both show women starting off as unwilling, then changing their mind. So perhaps he could be forgiven for thinking that OP was willing. Perhaps he did know she wasn't keen, but carried on anyway. We don't know and can't judge.

What we do know is that even if OP had been 100% willing, the sex showed he didn't care about her, and that too contributed to her feelings. Almost all men would have backed off. He didn't. We don't know whether, if she had said no, he would have carried on anyway.

All in all, the man was totally and utterly vile. All OP can do in the circumstances is to let him know she didn't enjoy the experience and she doesn't want a repeat performance. Perhaps she could also find out whether he's been preying on anyone at the gym - I'm sure he has.

Hope it all went fine this morning h2o.

IngridBergmann · 04/02/2011 10:39

Perhaps not, Hildegard - perhaps it was neither. But it definitely wasn't the latter from what she describes, was it - there was a gap between the expression of non interest and the act of having sex.

CrawlingInMySkin · 04/02/2011 10:41

My point is my partner once had a situation where he and a woman (before me) went back to his room once there she changed her mind.

Would it have been ok for him to keep bringing the subject of sex up as this man did. After she said no once he left her alone he did not keep asking her if she wanted to, or if she had been naughty he accepted no the first time she said it.

He is certain if he had pressured she would have given in was it ok for him to do that? or would that have been wrong? that is how I see what happended to the op and I dont think repeatedly coming back to the idea of sex after someone has said no and changed the subject is right do you? (which the op confirmed is what happended and that she had sex because he wouldnt let it go even though she didn't want to) How would you feel if your teenage DD was pressured in the same way? Please answer this question.

emmyloopsylou · 04/02/2011 10:43

Wow in the time I have managed to have a cuppa, take a phone call from the hubby and hoover around the lounge.

I now have people feeling sorry for me, the same people who are intent on convincing op she was raped and insist on sitting here all day, fighting everyone who posts on the internet. I don't care if two extreme feminists feel the need to play school ground bullying games, carry on, I won't be here all day............unlike some.

It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

Thingumy · 04/02/2011 10:43

'there was a gap between the expression of non interest and the act of having sex'

Yes there was and neither you or anyone else posting on here knows what was verbally said and/or physically happened between h20 and this man.

Only h20 knows the finer details within her experience yesterday.

IngridBergmann · 04/02/2011 10:49

Absolutely right, Thingumy. We don't know. We can only talk about this type of scenario in general terms without that knowledge.

Emmy, once more, have a good day, and see you around.

I shan't bother to negate what you've said any more as it's pointless and you'll just keep coming up with total rubbish about me...Ok I will negate it, for the record. I'm not an extreme feminist and I'm not being a bully imo.

If I were (being a bully) I would want to apologise for it but I can't see where I am.

bye for now, if you're off.

dittany · 04/02/2011 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IngridBergmann · 04/02/2011 10:51

and I have nOT said she was raped, for crying out loud. Why is that particular fact just not going into your head?

I am not the same person as anyone who has said that. I'm a separate person! Yes! I'm me, and I didn't say that!

Someone else might have, but it wasn't me!

honestly!

IngridBergmann · 04/02/2011 10:52

Though she might have been raped...

that I don't mind saying.

StayFrosty · 04/02/2011 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

specialsmasher · 04/02/2011 10:55

It's bloody patronising to suggest that someone has to google the meaning of words they're using.

IngridBergmann · 04/02/2011 10:57

I admit that, but in fairness it was in response to an accusation that I was doing said word and I was not doing it.

I questioned whether she knew what it meant and that was unkind of me but I felt justified as I was under attack from her already.

And she never did bother to explain it. If she had thought it meant something else perhaps we could have resolved the issue.

Mouseface · 04/02/2011 11:02

h20

If you are around, could you just pop in and let us know how the school run went?

Was he there?

Did he approach you?

Are you okay?

QuickLookBusy · 04/02/2011 11:04

Behaviour specialists say about 90% of communication is non verbal. Unfortunately as the OP continued to let him kiss her, then take off her underwear, the scumbag in this case, probably took this to mean she wanted sex.

dittany · 04/02/2011 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy · 04/02/2011 11:30

The problem is if this was in court, the first question would be "Why didn't you say "no I do not want sex" or pull away or try to get out" We could go on discussing this for weeks, but it will not change the fact that in many people's mind, she did not make it very clear to the scumbag that she did not want sex.

DeidreBarlow · 04/02/2011 11:38

She did kiss him & she said she did put her hands on his body. While this by no means implies consent, it certainly does not scream 'NO' either. The OP sys she does not feel it was rape and at the end of the day surely the feelings of the Op in this case are all that matters!

I have been in exactly the same situ as the OP but it was on a night out when I had drunk way to much. I felt awful, and was bloody glad when it was over. I don't recall saying 'okay lets have penetrative sex' but likewise I never said no...I do not feel I was raped. Although I do feel that I let myself down by being such a fool. I do wonder if the fact it was 'a 9am one night stand' that makes the OP feel worse about it all.

H20 I hope it went okay this morning

dittany · 04/02/2011 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBiscuit · 04/02/2011 11:53

But she wasn't drunk and she has said she was scared to tell him to stop in case he forced her. So that's not consent at all. She was scared of being forcibly raped so she remained passive.

That is not a drunken mistake or crap sex.

ginnny · 04/02/2011 11:53

I came on to see if H20 had seen him at school this morning and I can't believe this thread is still going round and round in circles.
Only on Mumsnet ....

dignified · 04/02/2011 11:58

sgb has summed this guy up well . Theres many more like him as this thread shows .

As for all this talk of her being responsibe by inviting him round , thats neither here or there . I dont care if she was half undressed / half way through the act or whatever. The minuite she said " No , im not interested " , that should have been the end of it. Only a certain type of man continues to pressure someone after its been made clear.

These types of men dont threaten or physically intimidate women into having sex , they dont need to , they coerce and pressurize regardless of how the women feels about it. Im not going to get into a debate about whether the op was raped or not as its up to her how she describes what happened so instead i will say this.

A man who has sex with a woman who doesnt want it is a rapist . Whether he acheives that by violence , force , or coersion , makes no differance

DeidreBarlow · 04/02/2011 12:01

She never said she was scared of being forcibly raped. She said;

"I probably would have had to push him off or eject him from the house I think or get arsy"

She suspected he may have got aggressive but he didn't....he was an arse though. She also said she wasn't raped.

TabithaSilver · 04/02/2011 12:02

Such a dodgy, dodgy guy.

She didn't want it. This is the key here. She said as much.

He carried on.

She was passive.

It sounds like rape to me. Rape isn't always being dragged by the hair into a cave.

But I don't think it would stand up in a court of law because the usual prehistorics would trot out that she'd invited him round, she didn't resist enough etc etc.

I thought no meant no? I didn't think you necessarily had to howl it from the rooftops for it to be taken notice of.

IngridBergmann · 04/02/2011 12:05

Good post Dignified. I agree only a certain type of man would actually go ahead knowing she felt so awkward, let alone anything else she might have felt.

I still think the closest analogy is to a pressure salesman. No, they don't rob you at gunpoint, they don't break your existing windows, they don't need to.

They put you in an awkward social situation where you are going to feel very, very bad if you say no. And often as not they get what they want.

That doesn't mean the people who sign up aren't victims.

CoteDAzur · 04/02/2011 12:06

h20 - I hope it went well at school this morning. Onwards and upwards Smile

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