Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

Yep, this is a hilarious thread. Bloke persists in having sex with a woman who he is well aware isn't interested.

Ha fucking ha

Too much time on our hands? Really? So you're allowed to be here sighing and we're supposed to be busy doing something more important?

Really?

A lot of pent up anger and progection in your posts Ingrid, it's not pleasant to read.

projection*

Bullshit. You know nothing about me or what I am feeling.

I bet you can't even tell me what projection means.

And no one is forcing you to read my posts so leave off FGS.

I can see you have ishoos from your agression and your persistant hounding of telling the op she was raped. Constantly being agressive to anyone who questions your stance. A serious amount of posts in this thread.

Get counselling...............seriously.

But it wasn't rape!!!

(Ask the OP - again - if you think I am talking rubbish).

What I was banging my head on the keyboard about, Ingrid, was that it is so very typical of MN that 'crap shag' gets people psychoanalysing the man and deducing that he must watch porn because he reacted to messages which, by the OP's own admission, were "mixed".

It's the same thing as when someone posts on MN to have a quick moan along the lines of 'I'm fed up with DH because he didn't put his pants in the washing basket'. What they want is for several people to say, 'yeah, he's out of order, now move on' - and what they get is a load of posts (based entirely on other people's own horrible experiences) saying that he's an emotionally abusive bastard and should be ditched there and then for the safety of the whole family.

As I say, only on MN!

'I can see you have ishoos from your agression and your persistant hounding of telling the op she was raped.'

I HAVE NEVER SAID SHE WAS RAPED. Others have suggested it; I have maintained THROUGHOUT that it is a difficult call.

'Constantly being agressive to anyone who questions your stance.'

WHERE? Show me where I have been aggressive, please. Come on, copy and paste.
Show it to me.

It is nothing to do with you how many posts I might make on a thread. Do I go around counting your posts and telling you when enough is enough? No, because it's allowed to post here - what am I doing wrong?

And don't you dare tell me to get counselling. That's just fucking outrageous - not because it's a bad idea but because it's none of your ucking business.

And yes NOW I am aggressive but in response to your posts of the last ten minutes.

If rape is sex a woman doesn't want and she has said she doesn't want it, and the man carries on regardless, it is rape.

If the woman says she doesn't want sex "because you have a partner" then kisses and fondles the man and opens her legs without any coercion (albeit without any particular enthusiasm), then it is not rape.

Projection is letting your own experiences colour your interpretation of and responses to other people's experiences. I think that is what you are doing here, Dittany. Hardly surprising - it's what most of us do most of the time to some degree when talking to friends/sharing experiences. But it's not normally about something as serious as rape.

Ingrid seriously love step away from the keyboard, too much agression and too much time posting on MN is not a good thing.........seriously.

I am about to put the kettle on, would you like a cuppa? Despite your baiting and agression, I just can't get into a serious debate with someone who takes the net seriously, sorry.

emmy, you're not making any sense whatsoever so thank God if you've had enough.

I don't think I can bear reading the transference in your posts quite frankly.

And please don't call me 'love' or be so bloody patronising.
You've made up a lot of stuff about what I've posted and it really seems to be bothering you but I don't see why that is my problem, if I haven't said what you keep saying I've said.

You can't and refuse to try to back it up, so I'll presume that's an admission that it's a load of crap, yes?

Bye...

Op blimey bet you didn't expect all this. Hope all went well at drop off today.

My take? Just as women can say no at any point ie change their minds, the same can be done the other way round.

How many films have you seen where a woman says she's not interested then the man kisses her and they live happily ever after?

thanks, Dittany. I really feel that if reasoned and non aggressive debate if upsetting Emmy enough to fabricate a description of my posting behaviour, she is the one with the 'ishoos'.

I'm sorry for her.

Dittany, I can see your point. But in real life, things aren't that straightforward, are they? These particular people had flirted on previous occasions, and she knew he fancied her; she was interested enough in return to make investigations about him; she invited him into her home (rather than to somewhere neutral); she did say no because he had a partner - but how did she say that? Did she say, firmly and clearly, "No, I'm sorry, but I am not having sex with you because you have partner", and then try to move away? Or did she say "No, no, you have a partner", whilst undoing his trousers, kissing him, and lying on the table? There is such a big difference between those two scenarios, and only the OP knows what really happened.

Well this man is a complete arsehole and a fairly classic opportunistic sexual predator. He's probably got a track record for the sort of 'date rape' that women never feel they can acutally report.
He's also got an instinct for unassertive women who are easy to pressure into letting him have a go on them.
Just think how frequent and heavy is the pressure on women in general to be nice to men, to excuse themselves politely from a man's unwanted attentions, to 'give him a chance'. On the whole, men who are decent human beings don't use this as a justification to carry on fucking away at a woman who has said no once, tried to move away or change the subject and who is not showing any enthusiasm whatsoever. Entitled, nasty men do use women's 'good manners' ie their conditioning to be placatory, as justification for fucking them whether they're keen on the idea or not.
If someone said to you, 'No, I'm not interested' or 'I don't think that's a good idea' or even 'Not right now thanks', would you hang about for a few minutes and then start having sex on them?

Well this really doesn't seem like rape, the man invites her out for coffeee she replies with an invitation to her home. Once there they have coffee where the man expresses his desire for her and she says "because you have a wife i am not interested". Eventually he kisses her and she responds even taking some of her clothes off herself. The op has said she was not intimidated just resigned that she was not into it but since they had started might as well finish.

The man involved is a creep but he isn't a mind reader and all the behaviour expressed has been positive i.e she is kissing him back taking off her underwear etc. I do feel confidence is the problem here OP I hope this is your only bad experience and goes on to be more positive in future.

and the OP has moved on with her life whilst Ingrid and Dittany are fuffing up more nonsense.

it was a crap shag, get over it

OP is not a victim.

'Did she say, firmly and clearly, "No, I'm sorry, but I am not having sex with you because you have partner", and then try to move away? Or did she say "No, no, you have a partner", whilst undoing his trousers, kissing him, and lying on the table?'

If you check back to the OP, Hildegard, you'll see that she describes what happened:

'... and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen.'

So she basically did the former, or at least, it doesn't appear to have been your latter scenario.

Actually I hope OP has moved on. Is there a reason why we shouldn't continue to discuss the idea of rape/not rape/sexual consent?

If it bothers you I suggest you hide the thread.

I don't think that qualifies as the former, Ingrid!