Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

Rhadegunde
Withdraw your own posts. Seriously. for what?

I have not defended the man
I have not defended rapists
I have not denied rape

I have told everyone that they should be careful.

I have shared what I told my children
I have shared my experience.
I have supported the OP, h2o, lest you forget that; I don't devalue her, or her own feelings.

Why do you insist on devaluing her - and for that matter other posters on here? I have no agenda here. I have a viewpoint, and unless told otherwise by mumsnetHQ, I see it as valid as yours - albeit from the perspective of a man, boyfriend, later a husband, and later still father of a daughter,

Indeed, Thingumy

Some men have no idea how crap they are in bed and think us single women are gagging for them even at 9 in the morning. . Make sure you do a great job of deflating his ego.

Coleysworth

OneMoreChap Thu 03-Feb-11 15:43:47

ISNT goodness, I must be being really inarticulate

...

Nope, I think they should manage their risk

My post they quote.

Some men are thick than others. Especially those who have watched too much porn tend to think that there are many strangers out there waiting to have quickies.

"dittany Thu 03-Feb-11 15:01:09
I'm not putting any pressure on her.

I'm saying what this guy did was rape. If a woman says she's not interested and then the man carries on that's rape. H20 is saying she's confused and doesnt' understand what happened. Well sex without consent is rape, it's that simple.

You all need to stop blaming H20 for this hideous situation. That's real pressure"

Dittany, she wasnt raped. She says she wasnt raped. And nobody at all on this thread has blamed her for being raped, because she wasnt bloody raped!

She has been foolish, she knows that. She put herself at risk, and she knows that. But she wasnt raped.

OneMoreChap, I was referring to this:

ISNT wrote (and you quoted): 'Women cannot and should not be asked to live under the assumption that every single man they meet is probably going to attack them.'

You wrote: 'ISNT, who's saying that they should?'

ISNT was responding to KiwiKat's post, which said:

"I'd say you've done something dangerous and stupid that you regret."

You assumed ISNT was having a pop at you but she wasn't responding to your posts when she wrote that.

Geddit?

Radegunde you had better not be including me in your ridiculous post .

Rhadegunde

Ah yes, You're feelings are hurt because you think someone called you a rape apologist

nope.
I was told you subscribe to the idea that women should shoulder some blame if they are attacked by men

I don't.
It's untrue.
It's an outright lie.

Yes, you're right. I'm offended. Deeply.
I'm rather more offended that so many people seem to ignore what h2o is saying.

which is sooo much more important than the OP of this thread trying to process her experience. Please, get a grip.

... and I said that where?
I actually read what h2o says.

Fortunately, I haven't yet been told I'm unwelcome; if h2o said "Bugger off, you pro-rape slimeball," I'd be off in a second - not because I'm a prs but because... I listen to her.

Still takes all sorts, and my views and £1 might buy you a coffee. Just like your view and £1.

Good post Rhadegunde: hear hear.

Wow. I am genuinely amazed that you would disregard the OP's opinion about what happened to her Dittany, and decide for her. Just wow.

Cote - I think that might be it. It was like I got a bit part in his fantasy rather than a shared experience. It was demeaning in that way - although I will keep my head held high tomorrow if I can when I see him.

I don't think casual sex has to be like this - I'm sure it could be nice and mutually satifying - couldn't it? Having said that, if it was nice and mutually satisfying, I would probably want it to be non-casual sex...

Onemorechap is speaking a lot of sense on this thread, unfortunately for him he doesn't know that this type of thread always ends up with the poster being told she was raped, even when she vehemently says she most definitely wasn't.

Oh, and Rhadegunde I don't think ISNT's post should be removed.

I think they should withdraw their unfounded assertion that I think women are responsible for their own rape; I don't and I called them out for it.

Cite or withdraw is short hand for
"I didn't say that; if you can point to where I said it, do so; if you can't, admit it."

I was deleted? Well, shit.

But Dittany equally casual sex can be bad, even part way through it, over with very quickly and leave you feeling ashamed.

Agree Mal

dittany Thu 03-Feb-11 16:12:14
Bubble, you can repeat that all you want, but when a woman says "I'm not interested" and the guy ignores it and carries on, that's rape.

Lots of rape victims don't call their experiences rape. It doesn't mean that's not what happened.

Dittany, I have seen enough of you posts to know that they are without fail along the same theme of all men are evil and all women are innocent. It is so black and white with you that your views are actually scary.

Read the the first post properly, she had already clearly made it obvious to this man that she was interested. He then tells her he has a relationship. He then invites her for a coffee.. instead of saying no, or going to a neutral cafe for a coffee, she says "ooh come back to my place"... bloke thinks "wahey.. I am in here..".

He then gives her a load of flattery, and she half heartedly tells him that because he is seeing someone, she is no longer interested.. he makes a move, and she doesnt say no, at no point now does she even attempt to stop him, in fact she is willingly compliant in the next couple of minutes..

This man was a virtual stranger who she had been flirting with quite merrily at the school gate.. not a friend, and not a workmen in her home..

Had he not been in a relationship, would she have felt so ashamed of herself afterwards and posted about it on here? I doubt it.

The OP came on here admitting that she had made a mistake, and was embarassed, and she is being railroaded by some on here now into how she ought to feel she has been raped.

How the fuck is that helpful to her?