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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

1000 replies

h20 · 03/02/2011 11:09

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

OP posts:

Remotew · 03/02/2011 15:18

'crap' not 'scrap'.

ISNT · 03/02/2011 15:23

Are you seriously suggesting that women should never be alone with men who they know or think find them attractive? That is ridiculous. Most men do not attack women and it would seriously compromise the freedom of women to carry this out.

And what about the other comment "Thu 03-Feb-11 13:26:38

Sorry, but I think consent is given if you invite a man who fancies you into your house for coffee (why not suggest a neutral place? I have only ever had sex with one person, so am quite naive - but am not naive enough to go inviting lechy men in "for coffee"), then have sex with him on the table."

CoteDAzur · 03/02/2011 15:32

Are we now saying OP was raped? Why, because she wasn't proud of it afterwards?

Polaris · 03/02/2011 15:35

OMG I invited an ex to my house for a cuppa tea last week - he fancied me once so one might assume he still does. I had no idea I was offering myself to him on a plate, or have given him the message that I wanted sex on the kitchen table.

Rhadegunde · 03/02/2011 15:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ISNT · 03/02/2011 15:35

No, some people are saying that they don't see that it was entirely consensual as OP said no and then when he carried on she went along with it even though she didn't want to.

Others are saying that she was well up for it because she invited him in for coffee at 9am and everyone knows what that means.

There are a range of views.

If OP did say no and then went through with it because she didn't feel that she had any choice then that is not good IMO. However only OP knows how she feels about the whole thing. Main thing is that she keeps her chin up and steers well clear in the future.

Original poster

h20 · 03/02/2011 15:35

I was not attacked.

I just felt ambivalent about sex, and I did felt a bit pressurised, but not forced.

It left me feeling dirty because I didn't get anything from it, and there was no love or even like involved.

OP posts:

dittany · 03/02/2011 15:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KiwiKat · 03/02/2011 15:42

OP, putting this raging debate aside, I'd say you've done something dangerous and stupid that you regret. That said, many of us (including me) have also done various dangerous, stupid and regrettable things, and the best we can do is to learn from it so that we handle things differently in the future, and be grateful that the outcome wasn't a lot worse.

Keep your dignity, be coolly courteous to this man, hold your head high as you face the future and put it behind you.

CoteDAzur · 03/02/2011 15:42

When did she say "no"? I think I read it all and can't find it.

Polaris · 03/02/2011 15:43

It sounds to me as if the man in question made a big assumption. I'm sure in his mind it was all consented sex.

What I AM aghast at is that by inviting a man into your home, you are up for sex.

I mean, at 9am after the school-run - you have to be pretty sure that the other party consents to be on the safe side don't you? It's not the most usual of scenarios. It's not like coffee at bed time after a boozy night out.

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 15:43

ISNT goodness, I must be being really inarticulate.

Are you seriously suggesting that women should never be alone with men who they know or think find them attractive?

Nope, I think they should manage their risk and be aware of the sort of signals they are giving... as in don't walk down streets drunk in rough areas, and if you don't want sex say no.

That is ridiculous. Most men do not attack women and it would seriously compromise the freedom of women to carry this out.

Excellent. We agree some more. I've been with lots of women I find attractive and not leapt on them. I've been round to people's houses, who not only have I found attractive, but asked out [and been declined] and had no problems.

And what about the other comment "Thu 03-Feb-11 13:26:38

I don't know what the unquoted poster meant by that but I suspect they thinks shagging on the table rather than saying no implied consent - but you'd have to ask her(?)

Me? I tend to believe h2o You may believe as you wish.

ISNT · 03/02/2011 15:46

FGS it is not outrageously dangerous and stupid to invite a man that you know into your house for a coffee! Most men are not rapists, most men are nice and normal and decent. Women cannot and should not be asked to live under the assumption that every single man they meet is probably going to attack them. That's just ridiculous.

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 15:49

Women cannot and should not be asked to live under the assumption that every single man they meet is probably going to attack them.

ISNT, who's saying that they should?

ISNT · 03/02/2011 15:49

Women should manage their risk? What do you mean by that given that women are most likely to be attacked by someone they know?

Basically you subscribe to the idea that women should shoulder some blame if they are attacked by men and that is wrong. Attackers and society seem to be hell bent on making excuses for those who attack women - she had a drink / she was flirting with him / she invited him in for a coffee / she was wearing a short skirt / she should have known what he was like / she was out after dark / she knew he fancied her what did she expect and so on endlessly. Bottom line is that men who attack women are in the wrong, find as many excuses as you like, that fact will never change.

Polaris · 03/02/2011 15:49

I agree with that ISNT. What I'm also struggling to come to terms with is that there a throng of women out there who would actually enjoy that sort of cold sex anyway. Surely men know to work up to things a bit - especially at that time of the morning.

Coleysworth · 03/02/2011 15:50

OneMoreChap, ISNT was clearly responding to KiwiKat's post, not yours.

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 15:50

"Basically you subscribe to the idea that women should shoulder some blame if they are attacked by men and that is wrong."

Cite or withdraw.

Rhadegunde · 03/02/2011 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OneMoreChap · 03/02/2011 15:57

Coleysworth we'll see. Post reported anyway. I'm shaking.

I have a wife; I have a daughter.
They think I'm a rape apologist... how dare someone say that.

I'm supporting the OP on this thread. It's a load of other people on here saying something else has happened.

It cheapens rape accusations and contributes to the very thing they claim to be against.

Coleysworth · 03/02/2011 15:58

Well FGS, go back and read KiwiKat's post and note that ISNT was quoting from it. It's not hard.

CoteDAzur · 03/02/2011 16:00

What are you people talking about? OP clearly says that she wasn't attacked.

And what is so controversial about "women should manage their risk"? Surely, you are telling your DDs pretty much the same thing.

Thingumy · 03/02/2011 16:01

cote don't bother,they aren't listening to what h20 is saying.

Rhadegunde · 03/02/2011 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

h20 · 03/02/2011 16:02

Exactly Polaris. What was he thinking - and to think that I would want more tomorrow???? WTF??

OP posts:

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