Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

Malificence and Thingumy I think I've learnt my lesson :)

Elsewhere, I was told I wan't a bloke, so I suppose that's progress...

"Christ, i can't believe women subscribe to the notion that a man can do whatever he wants just because a woman is too intimidated or confused to say no. Unbelievable."

Dittany what do you mean by this as the meaning I am getting isn't great?

I would say Dittany, that YOU are the one talking bollocks.

at OneMoreChap.

I heard what you were saying,some of us are actually listening to h2o.

I'mFab - did you write that women are responsible for being attacked because they invited a man into their house?

If not, then I'm probably not referring to you.

Rhadegunde of course I didn't. I was annoyed with you are the rape apologists post.

In the end I think only H20 will know whether it was consensual or not, no matter how much you debate it. She either felt intimidated and forced into it, or she let it happen out of choice, I don't think it's that difficult to know the difference if it happens to you.

^

Dittany, don't flame me here
but the post suggests she was aware of his flirtatious behaviour, .eg looking knew he had a partner,and invited him round to her house , alone I find either a but naiive or was sorta enjoying the attention.

I don't excuse his behaviour on both parts he is a total sleeze and a cheat. I'm surprise no-ones made a bigger deal about that tbh anyway....

when I read the OP it cam across as a more 'ooh stop it you behave" sort of I'm not interested, and the OP has contested your claims herself.

Rhadegunde
I did not call everyone rape apologists. I said there were rape apologists on this thread. They are not the same thing.

So, there are only some rape apologists here.
Point to them.

Or withdraw your foul implications.

This is where I stand on this issue.

Women should be free to invite whoever they want for coffee in the belief that a man won't harm them or pester them for sex they don't want. They should also be entitled to assume their partners are not looking for sexual opportunities in their DCs' playground. They should have an expectation that a fellow Mum won't flirt or sleep with their partners, too.

If I were the sort of person who disliked conflict with men for whatever reason and feared that I couldn't extricate myself from a sexual encounter I didn't want, I wouldn't put myself in that position. That is my responsibility to myself.

If I were a man having sex with a woman for the first time, I would expressly seek her consent. I would not want sex with anyone who might feel coerced, or pressured in any way. That would be my responsibility to both the woman and myself.

I think the approach that H20 is taking about this matter is right for her and hope that she learns a lot from this horrible experience, chalking it up to experience and not feeling traumatised by it.

And I do think there is a lesson here in what we teach our sons and daughters about consent and personal responsibility.

I think it is insanity to suggest that inviting someone into your house for a coffee after the school run at 9am is an invitation for sex. When I used to do all that school run stuff people (of both sexes) were popping into each other's houses the whole time. There were all sorts of coffee mornings and other stuff going on and no-one thought twice about having people of either sex, whose children were friends with each other, in their homes at all times of the day and in the evening too. It was all very social.

No doubt some of them fancied each other and there was some flirting going on. No doubt a few people take these things further (probably not usually at 9am but who knows) but to suggest that inviting a dad in for a coffe is an invitation for sex is just - medieval to be honest. A bit like suggesting that if you allow a man to pay for your dinner then the deal is you "put out". So 1950s.

It sounds completely feasible to me that the OP rather liked the look of this bloke and was happy to have a bit of flirty banter with a dad at school, as people do and for their children to play together. My partner used to flirt outrageously with the mums at school but as far as I am aware was not shagging them on the school run...how sordid that would be.

This bloke completely overstepped the mark the OP, for reasons not completely clear "didn't feel able to say no". Maybe due to past abusive relationship or something?

He sounds like a total creep. I imagine in a way you were almost incredulous as to what was going on, OP. As far as this bloke's relationship goes, it is not up to other women to police it so any guilt in that respect should be his (not that it sounds as though he will worry himself too much on that score.)

What bubble said.

dittany - You see rape everywhere and can't it's not even when the woman says it wasn't. I also remember you saying "all porn actors are rapists", for example. I honestly think that you have some underlying issues that would benefit from professional help.

This thread is awful! The OP was raped because she made it clear that she wasn't interested and he overrode her feelings and carried on regardless. He didn't gain consent (in fact went against her wishes) and the onus in law is on the man to gain consent.

h20 - How you feel about it is entirely up to you. It doesn't have to feel how you imagine rape would feel. You are allowed to feel however you want to. You don't have to feel violated, threatened or traumatised. You don't have to think it is rape.

No decent man would have continued after you had stated you weren't interested. Any decent man would not have continued knowing you weren't commited to having sex, and he would have known you weren't enthusiastic. And any decent man would have checked that this was OK for you. He did none of those things.

The most important thing to remember is that you did nothing wrong at all. Not from the moment you spoke to him at the school until the moment he left.

I hope you are OK. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.

what bubble said.

whenwillIfeelnormal_ I totally agree
their is responsibility on both parts here.

He must have done this before

So, who are the "rape apologists" on this thread, rhadegunde?

It is cowardly to throw an insult in the air like that.

OP says "I did't say no or stop or anything." She says "I wasn't physically intimidated" and "we started kissing that I wasn't feeling turned on, but I just went through with it anyway" so clearly this isn't rape. And it isn't helping OP to insist that it is.

I'm genuinely interested in this question. If you say you are not interested, then the man proceeds to kiss you and you touch him and take your clothes off, how in the world is that rape? Do women being raped generally help the rapist by derobing? Try to turn them on by touching them sexually?

I would have said that she was ambivilant, due to him having a partner, then she changed her mind when he started kissing her.

I certainly would not call it rape. Neither would the one it happened to.

Op you are bound to feel a bit shit, perhaps you were hoping the sex would be mind blowing or that he would leave his partenr, as a conclusion you didn't have when the married man went back to his wife.

Take time to yourself and try to forget this chancer. Chalk it up to an experience never to be repeated, we have all been there I'm sure.