Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

there you go then, NOT a rape, just a shit shag

Why is it ok for people who dont think it id rape to comment then? ans ok for thrm to bring their personal issues on as they are assertive and are cestain they would have said no op should have, but they are ok to bring their feelings and experiences because they agree with you?

Did the man ask if you were consenting to sex H20?

" I think I gave him mixed messages. I should have asked him to leave, but I just went along with it."

'went along with it' does that mean you willingly had sex?

Sorry but it doesn't matter what time of the morning it is, why would you invite someone you hardly know into your house? Someone who you know damn well has already been checking you out?

Did you just go along with the sex or where you involved in it h20,I mean did you undress yourself and kiss/touch him etc etc?

Ingrid, to go back a bit:

There are some dads in my children's playground who are very nice and friendly, and I can have a nice chat with them. I do not fancy them; they show no sign of fancying me. Inviting one of them for coffee would absolutely not be an invitation to have sex with me. If they then tried it, I would be absolutely horrified and would run out of the house screaming.

The OP says: "I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out."

She knows that he fancies her. She is interested enough to make investigations about him. In this context, a coffee is very likely not just a coffee. I would not dream of inviting someone in for coffee if there was any hint of sexual interest on either side.

It's all in the context.

Out of interest, women on this thread, have all the men you've slept with clearly asked permission first?

No one has ever asked me. I haven't asked them either.

wondering if Ingrid has read the latest OP statement

No, Hully. I've never been asked, or asked. It's just sort of flowed, iykwim.

I am not forcing rape if she reciprocted kissed back and showed willing then I agree it was not rape, but if she just lay there not kissing back after saying no then I think it is rape and he was given enough to know she didnt want sex only op can say she was or wasnt raped.

After what happened to Jo Yeates I keep my front door locked now and wouldn't dream of inviting anyone back to my house, esp if I knew they fancied me.

OP, I do think you need to tell him that you are not interested and that sex with him was a mistake.

Next time suggest you meet up somewhere public and take it slowly.

Hi Op, thanks for coming back. Unfortunately I really do have to go out soon, but I hope what has been said on this thread has helped you a bit to sort out why you feel the way you do and why what happened to you happened.

'Did the man ask if you were consenting to sex H20?'

Who does ask that

It's relevant Hully because fortunately these days, this is a question that is asked in rape trials. We have also brought our teenage son up to always check that there is consent, before he has sex. If a woman has implied she's not interested and then appears to have changed her mind, it is always best to verify that, for both parties' protection.

"excuse me darling, can I just check, are you clearly consenting to this sex? If so can you just sign here please?"

god some of this thread is a bit like a load of vultures picking over a carcass.

Sorry x posted op hope either way you are feeling ok?

Actually, there is one bloke on this thread; a bit nervous, I might add.

In a long life, I've been out with many women.

I'm generally pretty easy to chat to. What I've learned over many years is that loads of women have been sexually assaulted, if not raped. Far higher than the official figures suggest - and the vast majority by people they know/knew.

No, I've never asked "Can we have sex now?"
Presumably then I never gained consent - is that the suggestion?

I've slept with girls who have come back to my flat and said "No we shouldn't..." as they are taking their clothes off; one of them was fairly staggered when I started putting my clothes back on. Both of them had boyfriends...

Diffidently, I've asked "May I kiss you?" and been laughed at.

I've made it back to hotel rooms, kissing a girl, realised we were both drunk and walked away till the next day beginning a relationship which lasted for years. If we'd slept together then, would that have been rape?

I'd suggest the OP knows if she's been raped or not. I'm sure those posters who have said they have been raped have been.

Telling the OP what has happened to her sounds a bit like false memory stuff, and it's all moot unless h2o comes back.

Having seen the level of vitriol directed at everyone here, I begin to wonder - as an earlier poster said - how well weighted the initial post was.

I suspect, however, it was genuine, and the OP came to vent and go "Gosh, wasn't I a nana to do this." I suspect she wanted a bit of "sisterly" "Never mind, you'll get over it", "Wasn't he a pig" not 10 pages of internecine haranguing.

I am abandoning thread at this point, following OP's revelations about being in love with a man who "isn't available for a long-term relationship" (presumably married?) I think I must be the only person on MN who thinks you should keep your knickers on when consorting with other people's partners.

yes I am with you Hilde

OP, KEEP YOUR KNICKERS ON NEXT TIME.

bye

Agreed, it is in the context. He didn't ask me for consent no, and after he left I did think, God, I felt dirty and had to shower. I did kiss him back, and put my hands on his body. Ingrid, you are quite right, I don't think it was rape, but I did feel under pressure.

I will not be putting myself in that position again, and I will get tested for STI's. I have a coil, so pregnancy not an issue. He invaded my boundaries, and I let him. Yuk. The sex was utterly crap (TMI alert - 2 minutes of penetrative sex). It felt utterly devoid of any erotism, enjoyment or emotion.

I never been asked and I've never asked a man.

I have had sex that I have regretted.

It was never rape and always crap sex and me thinking 'why the hell am I shagging him'.

Common I think.

eroticism - can't bloody spell either..

'but having invited him in he acted like it was a fait accompli. I probably would have had to push him off or eject him from the house I think or get arsy.

I do have history of being physically attacked by my ex-husband when I told him I was leaving. He pushed me around and seriously frightened me. So no, I wouldn't want to risk a confrontion with a man - at all.'

there you go...OP it's likely your survival instinct came into play and you 'went numb' and did what he wanted, what he expected, for fear of confrontation - but it's hard to state that for a fact.

I'm just trying to suggest why you might have gone along with it, in case it helps you to feel better.

Hope you are feeling a bit less upset.
x