Awful sex mistake - the shame :-(

[h20]

Sorry about this, but I have just had the most bizarre experience and I don't know what to make of it. I drop my sons off at School in the mornings and have noticed one of the dads of a kid in my eldest's class looking at me a lot since last summer. I often see him staring over, and have noticed him watching my arse as I walk away because I can see him reflected in a glass door etc.

He finally came up to speak to me last week and we made awkward small talk. I am thinking he is cute - not my usual type, but cute. He is a coach at a local sports club. I ask someone that knows him at work what he is like and the report back is positive. I am half thinking he might ask me out.

Anyway, this morning I have the day off and as I leave the school grounds he is there. We have a quick chat and I tell him I am off work today and tomorow. He asks me about my husband, I tell him I am divorced. I say why doesn't he bring his son to play one day. He say's 'I don't think my partner would like it much', but maybe have coffee some time? We go our separate ways.

A few minutes later he drives past, and then again and pulls over in front of me. "Want a coffee?" he says. I stupidly invite him to my house which is just round the corner.

Anyway, cut a long story short he says he is mad about my body etc etc and I tell him I'm not interested - he is in a relationship etc. I'm not sure what to do now, feeling awkward - he starts kissing me and touching my bum, and, why why why??? I did't feel able to say no and we have sex in my kitchen. It was crap. I now feel like crap.
He leaves saying see you tomorrow, like he wants to do it again, how about wearing hold-ups etc (YUK). I say I'm busy tomorrow.

How on earth do I make myself feel OK, what a total idiot I am. I am so embarrassed.

Shall we wait until h20 has returned to the thread and discussed the 'awful sex' further before we make assumptions?

I'd completely understand if she didn't return to this though.

Good, Chickens.

It is a very emotive subject, but anger and personal umbrage availeth us naught.

I find it quite offensive that some people on this thread are posing as 'rape experts'. Personally, I do not wish to be patronised and told what rape is or isn't. i have a fairly good idea, I think .

Also, I haven't expressed any opinion either way, really, I just think that there could be another interpretation of what happened here and that only the OP can really make that call. The hysteria and name calling is unnecessary.

Posing as rape experts?

Where? Who's done that? [baffled]

That's like saying I was trying to brainwash the OP.

lol

I think the sensible thing to learn from this is not to put yourself in a vulnerable position.

Inviting a man who clearly fancies you, into your home whilst you are alone is not a good idea, I think we can all agree on that.

By inviting him round she gave him the message that she was interested.

As women we have to take responsibility for our own actions, it's too easy to blame someone else.

I have not posed as a rape expert only know that I have been raped more times than I can count and even though I was often urinated on after and unable to walk, and often needing stiches still refused to call it rape. Even now 8 years on I still csnnot say I was well you know.

I wasn't referring to you, Ingrid.

Personally, I think if the OP comes back it will make things much clearer.

In the meantime, all of us 'rape apologists' can go back to simpering and fawning over men and spitting at girls in short skirts on the street

Yes ava it is unnecessary isn't it?

Yes.

I agree with sincitylover.

Poor h20, what a horrible thing to have happened :(

A bloke I was dating raped me in my own home BTino. Because I invited him into my home did not mean I wanted to have sex with him.

Not entirely comfortable with that, BTino. Strictly speaking, I should be able to do naked handstands in front of a man, or run tits to the wind down the high street without it being open season on my genitals. Inviting a man in for coffee is not a free pass, IMO

i wish people would stop throwing their own personal experiences into threads such as these

lets comment on the situation that OP has brought and perhaps no crazy projections/assumptions will be made

You have to watch out though Ladybiscuit, apparently if the word 'coffee' is involved, it's giving consent.

You were dating him LadyBiscuit. The OP did not know the man that well, she had been told he had a partner, yet she still invited him over to her house.

What's wrong with cafes?

And I really don't see how you can make this into rape. She may not have wanted sex, but she did not tell him to stop, she did not say no and he did not have to force her.

The thing with the internet is that people bring their own issues onto a thread like this.
I think H20 had an experience that she is regrets. She is embarrassed.
You could start your own threads rather than trying to convince her that she was raped. Better advice would be to tell him what you think and then ignore it.

i wonder if she kissed him back, took off her own knickers, helped the guy undress

we dont have all this information

Look. She admits that she fancied him. She knew he fancied her.

He volunteered the info that he was in a relationship.

She invited him round to her house - not to do a job, he wasn't the plumber or anyone like that, she wasn't dating him.

How many of you would invite one of the school dads into your homes whilst you were alone?

I disagree that it is wrong to invite a man to your house for coffee. That's an outmoded and silly argument.

Hi everyone. I can't believe how many people have views on this. God, where do I start?

I didn't really think it through but had I, I might have thought it was for a bit of a flirt and a coffee. It was 9am.

I would say that he thought I was playing a bit hard to get, but having invited him in he acted like it was a fait accompli. I probably would have had to push him off or eject him from the house I think or get arsy.

I do have history of being physically attacked by my ex-husband when I told him I was leaving. He pushed me around and seriously frightened me. So no, I wouldn't want to risk a confrontion with a man - at all.

However, I didn't feel this had those hallmarks, I just didn't really know how to stop it. He did ignore my verbal reasoning that I wasn't up for it. I think I gave him mixed messages. I should have asked him to leave, but I just went along with it.

WWIFN I was in a new 'relationship' and am still madly in love with that man. He is unfortunatly not available for a long term relationship. I had the most wonderful time with him and the most fantastic sex and intimacy I have ever had. I am pissed off that it looks like I'm losing that.

This is making my love life sound like a train wreck....

Yes I was dating and I didn't think he'd be a rapist.

I tend(ed) to give men the benefit of the doubt.

Of course people are going to bring their personal experiences to the thread - unless we're psychologists or rape experts, that's all most of us have to work with.

Agreed there is not enough info to make a judgement about what happened.

She may have kissed him back, did a little fumbling of her own etc. She doesn't say how much involvement she had, just that she didn't enjoy it.

Bad sex doesn't equal rape.

I give up.

But stop being horrid to each other. We are all on the same side. Really.

I haven't noticed anyone trying to convince her she was raped.

I certainly haven't. I don't think she was. Not directly, anyway.

I think she had sex under pressure. She consented but only because the alternative didn't seem terribly plausible.

But as we've agreed, we need more information if we are to arbitrate.