The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past The Brewery!

[Mouseface]

Hello.

I'm Mouse and I've been on the bus for 2 months now and not fallen off it as yet. It's much more comfortable than The Wagon!

Anyway, this is thread number nine!

Everyone is welcome to join at any point of the journey, drinking or not, wanting to stop or just to cut down.

Jump on board, you won't be judged, just supported whatever you decide.

Here is the history of The Brave Babes if you want to have a read.

JWN's original thread

Thread two

Thread three

Thread four

Thread five

Thread six

Thread seven

Thread eight

Morning all.

Firstly - JWN - I am in such admiration of you. 4 months is simply brilliant. Well done!! xx

Secondly - To you all.

Something that Silver posted about yesterday struck a chord with me and I wanted to share it with you.

When Nemo was born, at term, he was in the neo-natal unit for the first month of his tiny little life due to his SN (restricted airway and grade 4 intubation due to a undeveloped lower jaw). For the first 7 nights, I was allowed to stay in the hospital with him. After that, I had to leave him at the end of every day and go home without him.

It tore such a hole in my heart. The ache I felt was so deep inside that I would sob the whole half hour journey home and then sob for the rest of the night every time I pictured his tiny little body hooked up to all of the machines and monitors.

I would call on a regular basis and ask how he was, even in the early hours when I couldn't sleep. I expressed breast milk for him, which I gave through his feeding tube. I bathed him as best I could with all of the wires he had attched and I hoped with all of my heart that when the phone rang, it would not be the hospital. DH found it very difficult to come to terms with Nemo's needs so was on my own for virtually the whole time.

During that month, not once did I have a drink. Besides that fact I was expressing (that would not have stopped me BTW) I did not want to drink. I didn't need to drink to get through the evening. I was living on my nerves the whole time, as was DH but not once did I have a drink.

So, why not? If that was one of the lowest points in my life, and it was, not being able to hold my own son when I wanted to or when he needed me, then why not?

What could be harder to get through than that? Or the three times he has been in PICU fighting for his life?

My point is this. We all have troubles, worries, times of extreme upset and distress and some of us choose to drink through those times.

Are they not just excuses like all of the others?

The 'I've had a bad day' or 'the car needs a repair and I really need it' or 'an unexpected bill has arrived and we can't pay it' or 'my son is critically ill on life support'.

Do you all see my point? If I didn't drink through those utterly awful times, why can't you not drink through yours?

Just a thought.

Definitely no guilt about SCD! Now, X factor I do feel a tad guilty about!

Red I really hope you manage to work things out for you and DH. As you say, you need to do some thinking as well as him.

Hi pickle - I completely understand what you mean about the constant internal conversation about whether to drink or not. Thats me to a tee. Even though I don't intend to drink tonight, I still keeping having odd thoughts to the contrary. I must try to remember how horrid I felt yesterday.

Morning to everyone, I hope a happy and sober day is in store for everyone.

Christi - did you get some different ADs prescribed?

Mouse x posted sorry.

Hope you're feeling better BTW.

Your thoughts are really interesting, I'm going to have a good think about them. My problem is that I don't seem to drink when Im having a bad time, I just seem to drink. I can't put my finger on why.

After your son was in hospital what made you go back to drinking. Hope you don't mind me asking?

mouse thanks for that lovely. That was a very brave and brutal post and has certainly given me some things to think about. Thank you for the honesty.

JAB - I remember you BTW, your DD was 8 weeks when you posted last?

What made me drink? You pick. Pick anything you like.

Here's a short list......

Bad day. Supermarket was busy. Traffic was chaos. Nemo was more sick than usual. DH annoyed me. The washer leaked. Physio was painfull. I'm a grown up. DH had a drink so I did too.

What I am saying is that I have no idea why I started to feel the need to drink. I just know that once I did, my old ways crept back in.

I'm talking my twenties here. I would get uttlery shit faced and end up, well you name it, I've been there. I am utterly shameless after then things I did pre DC and DH.

Nothing you could tell me would shock me, cos I've either doen it or close to it.

So, one night not so long ago, I had a glass or two. Then three, four, a bottle, a bottle and a half. Then I moved from wine to vodka. Then to vodka and wine.

And now I'm here. And I am sober.

Whoops, I really can't type sober

Christi new antis or increased dose?

Thanks mouse. I can identify with you in a lot of ways (thanks for remembering me, DD is nearly 13wks now).

I'm trying to think about why I drink and have come up with the following reasons:

It's the weekend, it's wednesday, holidays, DH has got a day off tomorrow, going for a walk (always ends in the pub), something good on telly, a reward, I'm in on my own. I could go on...

I have done some utterly shameful things when drunk (maybe I could shock you though I know it's not a competition ).

However, I don't want my gorgeous little girl to be aware of these, to ever see me in a state, to be made fun of cos her mummy loves wine too much etc. I've got to change my ways for her.

Mouse - thanks for sharing. That aounds like an utterly hellish time for you and Nemo.

As I read your story, I did think that I would not drink during that time either. Now of this I can't be sure because I have not been in your shoes. Somehow the intensity of the situation, the desperate knife edge that could dramatically alter at any moment and the fact that your little boy REALLY needed his mum. Your purpose was vividly obvious. I imagine every fibre in your body was desperately trying to cope. I guess some may have just got pissed anyway (my dad would have) but I think it would be in the aftermath that I would have a drink. As he became more stable.

I am trying be honest and I really hope I am not being insensitive. Some of the other posters on here are having desperately difficult times with depression, relationships money yet somehow the relentless nature of the problems are less intense iyswim. I think I would be much more likely to pick up in less intense but really low place.

I wonder if the adrenaline made a difference. By the way - fantastic that you didn't then and that you seem so in control now. x

Hi babes. I just wanted to say to Pickle that the internal debate in my head about alcohol was utterly exhausting. Now I am 11 weeks into not drinking I can promise you it does get better. Occasionally I catch myself entertaining the idea of a good chin-wag with myself, but now I seem to be able to see it for what it is and move on. The worst thing about it, is while I was obsessing about alcohol, there were a million other far more important things that I was not thinking about or processing. Even thinking about drinking is stealing something from you.
Bit long but when my few remaining brain cells fire up, I feel the need to act

[shame] Sorry for being so rude. Hello to all other babes.

Hello pav and MissP, hope you are both well! I am off at 1pm but hoping to get on over the weekend!

No new ADs, no new dose. She offered sleeping pills but I already have them. She also said she would get me a gym pass as part of their 'healthy minds' scheme which would be good if I could go in the evening but only applies to off peak times. But I'll give it a go. I am so exahusted. I think I may see another doc who's 'hotter' on drinking problems. I know one.

But, I am making myself go and see friends tonight and I have asked my Dm to tak the DDs for today and tomorrow. It's our wedding anniversary tomorrow and I'm' wondering if we should try to go out to a movie or something, something not too expensive.

I feel fragile.

mouse What you have gone through sounds unbearable. you are doing so well to carry on as the pain and work must be relentless. But I sort of know what pavalova is saying, that when things are low grade they somehow make it easier to drink.

pav you'll be thrown off the bus for that next time !

pav why shame? Don't understand?

Nice to see you Red - I always read your posts but by the time I get on you have mostly disappeared. Have a good weekend

Christi, because I made my first post to Mouse and forgot to say hello to everyone else. I got absorbed. Hello by the way.

Thank you pav I always seem to miss you too! I am hoping to be about over the weekend for a change though as I should have some access so maybe we will be able to 'chat' then!

Mouse - thank you for sharing your story, you really have been through it. I actually have a similar pattern with regards to alcohol. When ever I have had to deal with really big crisis situations, I never reach for alcohol. I think the control freak in me needs to be on red alert. I have been through some fairly major stuff sober, then got shit faced because I stubbed my toe, or because I was having such a good day I just wanted it to carry on. Mad mad mad.

Bye Red have a restful weekend x

Red hope you have a good weekend.

Hope we can have a chat about the fab SCD soon!

MissP - you too!

JAB - I will have to get on here to talk about SCD if nothing else!

Funny that isn't it pav. You have a hellish time and not once do you reach for a drink.

Yet, you smash a glass washing up and oops, reach for the wine.

Hmm. How odd.

So, why? Other than needing to be super alert, available, 'with it' in times of crisis, why do we not drink in those times?

I guess that my new 'coping' mechanism is to think back to then. To think back to the times Nemo has been so very ill.

And let's face it, he still needs me. He needs me to be sober. And everyone of you with children are in the same boat as I am.

So, for now, Nemo is my reason for not picking up. A day at a time. Oh, I don't think for one second that I'm 'cured'. I know that at any moment I am capable of reaching for the bottle.

I just think that if we all had a 'Nemo', then maybe that could be a start. A real reason NOT to drink.

Thanks Miss Perrier. That is rather comforting.

The irony is that I started seeking oblivion to obliterate the reality of my life. Not much has really changed in all these years except that oblivion has now become my sole objective.

I've made progress though. Afer all these years I'm a much nicer person than I used to be.

But when all is said and done, I'm still a drunk. A very tired one.

Mouse - I hope I haven't hurt your feelings.

I wonder if it is that 'fight or flight' thing? In some critical situations flight may not be an option (I guess each individual would have different boundaries here) so coping is all that is left. I am someone that will avoid a difficult situation or feeling if I can, at least that is my usual pattern.

Nemo sounds like a fantastic reason. My boys are one of my reasons too, that and trying to get a grip on my anxieties.