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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Female perspective required (again)

221 replies

EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:00

I posted on this before, about my long term partner, but things have changed slightly and I'd still like to hear some thoughts

My DP and I moved in together 3 years ago, in a new town for work, where we didn't know anyone. Almost straight away, her father died and things were very sad. Neither of us were happy in our jobs or in our relationship (the sex died, we argued, etc), and we split up.

Now, in the mean time, I saw a few other women, but my (at the time XP) wanted me back, and with few friends of her own wanted me to visit, and I did. This meant stopping dating other women. The problem was that we're in limbo.

I thought to help me make a decision, we would go away for a week. We had a great week and got on really well, and if I'm honest, I do love her. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the adage that one shouldn't go back. On the other hand, I'm not really going forward.

I want to resolve this for both our sakes. I'm sick of this limbo. Am I just scared of commitment, or is it wrong to go back once you've split up? Or were they exceptional circumstances?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 14:52

< perks up >

< re-applies matchsticks to eyes >

has there been a nifty name-change here ???

kickassangel · 28/09/2010 15:00

mike - i think that you shouldn't view it as 'accepting each other's faults'. if you don't love her for all that she is. if you don't see the faults, but actually love them as well, then you're settling.

a v close friend of ours did this - he settled for 'good enough' for 10 years. at the end of which, he fell completely in love with another woman. now, he did the decent thing & ended one relationship before starting another, but he still destroyed the first woman's life quite effectively. she'd moved hundreds of miles, was without family, friends or her old job. had nowhere to live & not enough money for a new place. he didn't mean to be a bastard, but he was by the end of it.

the woman he fell in love with wasn't any more perfect, he could see all her flaws, but he loved her so much that he loved the flaws as well. he didn't feel at all that he was having to 'put up with them'.

so, if that's how you feel, then you are settling for 'good enough'. everyone here is telling you this, but you aren't prepared to let go.

maybe you just haven't seen how much better things can be if you really love someone - that's kind of what happened to our friend - but in spite of how much you like this woman, it does not sound like you love her.

it's good to ask the question, but it sounds like you want our blessing on settling down for the sake of it, when your heart isn't really in it.

BitOfFun · 28/09/2010 15:00

It would appear so, Anyfucker. Beethoven hasn't been accused of being juvenile anywhere. But he did bestow on us the gift of music, so we shouldn't judge too harshly Smile

BitOfFun · 28/09/2010 15:02

Will this thread turn out to be his Unfinished Symphony, I wonder Wink

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 15:03
Grin

it is certainly a very loooooong opus

BitOfFun · 28/09/2010 15:06

Indeed, it has extended over many posts.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 15:07

Beethoven ?

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 15:09

that advanced search faciliy can be very illuminating Grin

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 15:09

*facility

SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2010 15:09

Maybe what WHiny Mike wants is a feminist cookie.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 15:10

I know what mike needs...

Gretl · 28/09/2010 16:15

Hem hem.

BitOfFun · 28/09/2010 16:24

Yeah, I saw that earlier. How sweet to offer both sides of the coin for us. I wonder if he is trying to write a novel?

Mike, Tony Parsons has got the whinging navel-gazing end of the market sewn up, mate.

Gretl · 28/09/2010 16:33

My thoughts precisely.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 17:06

Mike/Beethoven

If you seriously needed help, why didn't you just be upfront instead of starting multiple threads and taking on a new persona that seems hell-bent on winding people up ?

People have put a lot of time and thought into replying to you. If you have a genuine problem, you would have got just as much support (probably more actually...because people smelt a rat so responded in kind...)

the way it is you just look like a troll

oh, hang on...Wink

swallowedAfly · 28/09/2010 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2010 18:47

I have been on the other thread.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 19:10

and ? sgb ? Confused Smile

LadyBiscuit · 28/09/2010 19:14

This is a great thread. Such a beginner's mistake :o

swallowedAfly · 28/09/2010 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Rollergirl1 · 28/09/2010 19:17

There are quite alot of threads by Beethoven. The one about getting hysterical when using the toilet brush to clean a shitty toilet was especially comical.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/09/2010 19:18

Sadly he's not come back yet. BUt I did link back to this one to save everyone else time.
ANd I am giggling at the fact that WHinyMike's (probably imaginary) partner bites herself with rage.

Mind you, if you were anything to do with him, wouldn't you feel like biting, as well?

msboogie · 28/09/2010 19:24

what twattery has been afoot? A schoolboy error Mike!! I'm on my phone can someone please do a link to the toilet brush thread?

Rollergirl1 · 28/09/2010 19:26

I got the impression that WHinyMike is the alternate persona.