Female perspective required (again)

[EngineeringMike]

I posted on this before, about my long term partner, but things have changed slightly and I'd still like to hear some thoughts

My DP and I moved in together 3 years ago, in a new town for work, where we didn't know anyone. Almost straight away, her father died and things were very sad. Neither of us were happy in our jobs or in our relationship (the sex died, we argued, etc), and we split up.

Now, in the mean time, I saw a few other women, but my (at the time XP) wanted me back, and with few friends of her own wanted me to visit, and I did. This meant stopping dating other women. The problem was that we're in limbo.

I thought to help me make a decision, we would go away for a week. We had a great week and got on really well, and if I'm honest, I do love her. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the adage that one shouldn't go back. On the other hand, I'm not really going forward.

I want to resolve this for both our sakes. I'm sick of this limbo. Am I just scared of commitment, or is it wrong to go back once you've split up? Or were they exceptional circumstances?

I think you should contemplate your protractor set instead Mike - plenty of angles there.

SGB I think you've hit the nail on the head there.."The bottom line is you think you are better than her and she should be grateful to have you - and just to make sure she remains grateful, you are going to keep reminding her that you could walk away, that you are 'undecided' about her, that every time she does something that you don't like you can sigh meaningfully and watch her turn herself inside out trying to placate you."
Spot on analysis SGB.

Mike if you're listening... and I don't think you are... Please please let this woman do without the benefit of your rescuing.

Go and have a real life with someone who is your equal, wherever you may find her, if you're up for it!!

And yes, I do think a course of counselling would be good for you. Transactional analysis seems perfect for you.

Your parents hate her eh? What's that about? Your brother has a temper eh? But you're as cool as a cucumber --- are you the goody two shoes in your family? Is this your pattern, and that's why you will willingly yoke yourself to this woman, so obviously made of clay? Are you the ArchAngel Michael?

At the moment I find you a bit creepy actually.... do you stalk her?

< hands Bossy Crown over to zazan >

Thank you thank you .. I'll be here all week

Mike, stopped reading this a couple of pages back but I'd suggest you get yourself to a psychodynamic therapist to work this through. There's something about the patterns of behaviour in your relationship that feel right and comfortable to you somewhere deep inside, while on the surface you know that you don't enjoy her temperament. It will be really valuable for you to explore the patterns of relating in your family as you grew up and how this reflects in your current relationship.

does that mean I can go on annual leave, zazen ?

are you in the market for a jobshare arrangement ?

I just don't see Mike as the evil guy. I get the idea he doesn't want to stay with her as she's not The One, but can't face telling her, in case later on he realises she might have been. Etc. Plus seeing someone you care for gettng VERY upset is never pleasant, although sometimes necessary. I've been there, so have lots of people.
She'll be fine, so will you.

gay40, I don't either actually

but he does need his denial puncturing, just a ikkle bit

Ok, so she is not confident sexually - that is something you could change with the right words and actions. Sexual confidence comes from experience.

Do you realise though that you will use this as a reason to have an affair in ten years time! For God's sake, leave the poor woman - let her find someone who doesn't think that they are doing her a favour.

I am sure that you are a nice guy. She is probably a nice woman. You will both find partners that make your bits fizz and you will be happy - just not together!

Mike, I've just read this whole thread.

I am indecisive like you. So I recognise the signs. When you analyse to this degree, whether it's a relationship, a job, buying a house, it isn't right. I've done it, made the 'pros' and 'cons' lists, tried to be logical about it. The truth is, when what's right for you presents itself, it's easy. It doesn't take all this thinking and analysing.

On that basis alone, I'd go along with what virtually everyone else is telling you: to quit now.

I'd also add that the consistent theme in your posts is that of the martyr; you make her happy; she would be destroyed by you leaving her. While it could be construed as loyal and noble, I'm afraid to say to me it actually comes across as egotistical and sanctimonious.

Finally, I think you're doing what an awful lot of us (not just men) in questionable relationships are guilty of: you're hedging your bets. You can't quite let her go because nobody better has come along - yet - and knocked you off your feet. And no matter how much you try and tell us you're not that kind of man, at the beginning EVERYONE should feel a bit blown away by the person they're thinking of committing to for life.

That said, I think you are probably a nice, decent bloke, and you've just got bogged down by a relationship that everyone but you can see isn't right.

I suspect if a significant other came into your life by chance tomorrow, you wouldn't be agonising over this woman for a minute longer.

Let it go. On so many levels, it just isn't there.

And you know what? She'll survive without you. She really will.

All the best.

This is an interesting thread. Mike, I really respect you for having the moral courage to continue exploring your feelings about this relationship. Gretl, Zazen & Dogfish, I want to and AnyFucker to move in with me for a couple of weeks and sort out my woolly areas

At the end of the day, Mike, you don't love her enough for a major commitment. You just don't. You sound like you're shopping for a car, when your budget won't quite stretch to the dream machine. It isn't a criticism; everybody feels that way until they Fall In Love For Real - and this is the reason for many of the cautioning posts, saying your commitment to this woman would end with an affair. No relationship comes with guarantees. Your Real Love may well end in disaster but you'll love, then, more than you love your ex/friend.

It is unwise to commit on this basis. It's also cruel, though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way. Is there some smidgeon of feeling you'd be doing her a favour by going back to her and "making it work"? It sounds like it. This, all by itself, is a reason to set her free - that'll be the bigger favour.

(Thanks for the compliments. )

Flip a coin.

Heads you commit to her.
Tails you don't.

Tell us how you feel about the outcome.

That's good advice. Tells you what you weren't sure of.

Ok, so I've been away and had a think. I take some of the advice here. I think there's clearly some that is coming through the prism of some people's bad experiences, and misrepresenting the situation.

I take on board that in procrastinating, I'm hurting the woman I love even more, unintentionally. Thanks for that insight. The idea that I'm intentionally pushing this to be abusive, or a controller, is completely wrong.

I was interested in SwallowedaFly's comment that an alarm was triggered by my comments about hysterical behaviour. She is the first woman who I have ever lived with, and so is the longest and most intense relationship of my life.

I was also interested in Eurostar's comments on psychodynamic counselling. I've had a pretty happy life so far, but I'd always be interested in additional insights into behaviours and relationships

FGS Mike, is this still going??

As I said yesterday, you dont appear to really love this person, so do the poor woman a favour and move on. Chances are you will dump her the moment you think the love of your life has come along anyway.

If you want to see what your future might be like if you stay go and take a stroll through lone parents or all the threads in relationships where husbands are cheating on their wives. Dont wait until you have a few small kids and wreck everyones lives. She deserves better and so do you.

So Mike, where do you see yourself in 10 years from now?

.

.

.

Be honest.

In 20 years?

This thread is beginning to make me sick

Are you using it for emotional masturbation?

I suspect so. I also suspect you won't understand what I mean by that.

I find your attitude immature, self-indulgent, sanctimonious, egotistical and arrogant. As for suggesting that your words/situation are being misrepresented by others because of the prism of their bad experiences... how the fuck do you think people learn about what and what not to do in life?

You sound very, very young. I'm guessing you're actually 20, not 30

Quavers over and out

Agree with Quavers. It is interesting that if you don't agree with what people say, you dismiss it as coming from the 'prism' of their bad experiences.

Well, er... exactly. I thought that was why you are looking for advice from people who have gone through something similar and can tell you how it pans out?

The basic core of the advice appears to be absolutely consistent - you clearly don't love her enough to make this work, you will constantly be on the sidelines, judging her for her 'hysteria' and the moment someone comes along who is an easier fit with you temperamentally, off you will go, leaving misery and confusion in your wake.

If you really think it is your character and temperament holding you back, then get some therapy. But you can't dismiss criticisms of your behaviour as actually or potentially abusive, because believe me, those criticisms are right on the money, whether you want to hear it or not.

Messing about with another person's life is always abusive, in my view, whether you do it for noble reasons or not. Procrastination is almost always worse than swift decisive action becuase of the TIME you waste. This is someone's life you are juggling with, it is not a decision about what colour to paint your hallway. Just get on with it.

I've actually agreed with the people (including you) who say that by procrastinating, I'm doing damage to someone who I love very much. Where I disagree (and surely I'm entitled to) is with the idea that I'm deliberately setting out to abuse and control my X/DP, and painting me as some arrogant evil bastard.

From the threads on MN, it's quite clear this dilemma is very common, and at least I'm recognising it before marrying and having a couple of kids.

Because I've asked for advice, it doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything that is said, and naturally, I suppose I'm less likely to accept advice from people who have come across a little less than pleasant.

Anyway, I've got the gist of what people think, and thank you very much.

But seriously Mike, think about where you see yourself in 10 years?

Do you immediately picture yourself with your partner and a couple of kids, or do you see yourself either alone or with somebody else?

What hopes do you have for the future, long term?

QS, seriously, I don't know. I don't really believe in fate, but it does sometimes cross my mind that my X/DP is my soulmate, and that I have to accept her flaws (as she does mine), and we're inevitably made for each other.

< yawn >

Seriously, am I the one being accused of being juvenile? - if you find it boring, don't comment. It's like those people who comment on the Daily Mail website under a story about Katie Price to say they don't care about Katie Price