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Original poster

Female perspective required (again)

221 replies

EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:00

I posted on this before, about my long term partner, but things have changed slightly and I'd still like to hear some thoughts

My DP and I moved in together 3 years ago, in a new town for work, where we didn't know anyone. Almost straight away, her father died and things were very sad. Neither of us were happy in our jobs or in our relationship (the sex died, we argued, etc), and we split up.

Now, in the mean time, I saw a few other women, but my (at the time XP) wanted me back, and with few friends of her own wanted me to visit, and I did. This meant stopping dating other women. The problem was that we're in limbo.

I thought to help me make a decision, we would go away for a week. We had a great week and got on really well, and if I'm honest, I do love her. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the adage that one shouldn't go back. On the other hand, I'm not really going forward.

I want to resolve this for both our sakes. I'm sick of this limbo. Am I just scared of commitment, or is it wrong to go back once you've split up? Or were they exceptional circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:04

Gretl, there are plenty of positives, she's beautiful, she's funny, she makes me laugh a lot, she's really interesting, we share lots of interests (walking in the countryside, music).

OP posts:
msboogie · 27/09/2010 16:08

Was it you that I asked in a previous thread how you would feel if she told you she had found another man to make her happy?

and you said you would feel relieved?

was that you?

MadAboutQuavers · 27/09/2010 16:11

Are you bored with your life? (this is not a flip question; plenty of people decide to stay with someone because there's nothing better on the table)

Are you enjoying the tension/frission she brings into your life?

What EXACTLY is it that you do love about her?

Sounds like a strange version of "love", when you say you are only 50/50 about her... Despite trying to convince yourself/us that your feelings are strong...

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:11

That was me, and I remembered your reasoning. But would the relief be from the idea that the decision was taken out of my hands - and then there would the question of how I would actually feel (rather than how I think I would feel). I'd be ok, I'd find someone else (I'm not bad looking, seem to make friends easily, etc)

There's a line in a MSP song about love being a finely balanced jealousy.

OP posts:
MadAboutQuavers · 27/09/2010 16:16

X post

You sound like a bit of a cold fish about it all, to be honest Mike.

You wanted a female perspective, and you have it. Sorry you don't like it or seem willing to listen - at all, it would seem, if you've posted about this before!

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:16

MAQ, I'm pretty happy with life, I get to travel with work, I have a fairly varied social life, I have a range of interests.

I love her because she makes me feel happy when I'm with her (99% of the time). I'll give an example. I was recently in China with work. I'd have loved to have seen the Great Wall with her. But it's a pretty hectic place, and I can imagine that during the time I was there, at least once, she would most likely have got upset by something (the pushing in the subway, the pushiness of the market stall man), whereas I'm pretty easy going.

As I say, I'm 50/50 in the sense I know it's one or the other, I couldn't put numbers on it

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 16:20

Well, it's up to you, at the end of it all.

I feel rather sorry for her: the things you have said on here would certainly change her feelings towards you, yet she's not being given the chance to know your feelings. It's not a level playing field. The "natural" unfairness you mentioned earlier is compounded.

In five, ten years' time, think back to what we said. If we were wrong, good. If not - please take responsibility.

msboogie · 27/09/2010 16:22

when you say she would have got upset - how upset would she have got? screaming abdabs or just a bit moany?

you do sound a bit cold fish about it, which is ominous given her potential to be highly strung. You don't give the impression of being a very compatible couple.

You would know if you wanted to be with her. If, after all this time and navel gazing, if you don't know then the answer is probably that you don't want to be with her.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 16:23

I have lost count now how many times in this thread you have said "I could find someone else"

so go on then

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:26

Gretl,

To be honest, what I say here, she knows. She knows why we split, and why I'm a little reluctant to definitely commit again.

MsBoogie, it depends what you mean by compatible. My brother has always had a temper on him, whereas I don't. I think if my brother were with my X/DP, he would have just screamed at her - because I'm quite relaxed, maybe that makes us compatible.

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:27

AF, because it would really hurt her.

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 27/09/2010 16:27

Make a list, now, on here, of all the things you love about her, all the things you like about her, all her wonderful qualities that make her who she is.

overmydeadbody · 27/09/2010 16:30

You're with her because you don't want to hurt her?!Shock

That is horrible.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 16:30

mike...leaving her in 10 years time, with a couple of litle kiddies, will hurt you both much more

are you listening to anything here ?

MadAboutQuavers · 27/09/2010 16:31

So you get off on the tension she brings into your life

Sounds doomed

Oh, and about being "wise", as you mentioned earlier

There is a massive difference between being intelligent and being emotionally intelligent, and I don't think you have the first grasp of what that is

Gretl · 27/09/2010 16:34

OK Mike, let's look at it another way.

Despite your effectively telling her that she's not quite good enough, despite your telling her that you think you are better for her than another man because you understand and will tolerate her faults (this is a step on a pretty well-beaten path towards an emotionally-abusive relationship, incidentally), despite your claim that you'd be relieved if she found another man and let you off the hook - she is still keen to be with you, you say. Do YOU want to be with someone with so little self-respect? That doesn't make you look that great.

msboogie · 27/09/2010 16:36

not necessarily so - if you don't react to her going off on one she might, after a while, come to see it as you not caring.

Getting back with someone because they might be hurt if you don't is a foolish and rather arrogant positiont to take. When an adult enters a relationship they take the risk that they might be hurt. You are suggesting that she must be protected from the outcome of the relationship not working out. Why so?
It is unfair on her to stay with her for that reason.

If you are not able to be true to yourself in the first instance you will not be true to her either.

BitOfFun · 27/09/2010 16:42

How do you think she would feel if she knew you were effectively bestowing yourself upon here and that she should be grateful because not many other people could put up with her?

Because I have a feeling that she might just surprise you there. I doubt she'd need to live like a nun for very long, renting her hair and gnashing her teeth. I think she'd probably do quite well for herself actually.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:42

Hang on again, I didn't say I'm only with her because I don't want to hurt her. That's different altogether from knowing that leaving would hurt her.

I certainly don't get off on the tension she brings into my life.

I haven't told her she's not good enough, I haven't told her I'm better than other men for tolerating her faults (if I had said that, that would sound terrible).

I agree with the point about perhaps her self-esteem isn't as high as it could be, I don't think I hurt her in those regards. I certainly encourage her to grow her own interests and make friends.

AF, I am listening, if I knew that the options were split now or in 10 years time with a couple of kids, it's obvious what to do. it may seem obvious to you, but it's not obvious to me what that those are the only two options.

As for being wise, all I'm saying is I know I don't know.

As for good points, she's funny, smart, beautiful, interesting, she do lots of things together, she's sporty. She has two negatives, she can be hysterical, and she's not the most confident person (perhaps in a sexual way) and socially.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 27/09/2010 16:43

Upon her, sorry for typo.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:45

additionally, I would say I think she might surprise herself.

I'd also add that I wouldn't talk this way in a pub with friends about her like this (I perceive this is as an anonymous way to scatter my ideas)

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 16:47

"ok, what about another perspective? The problems we have would be a problem with any future man (I refer more specifically to the moods). I have learnt to accept this, and am best positioned to be the family man for her."

You, at 11:47.

Massive alarm bells ringing there, Mike. (About you, not her! Sorry to be blunt.)

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:50

I said that as a perspective, that's not the same as how you're interpreting it. Deactivate the alarm bell there.

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 16:54

No, I think I'll keep them ringing (as I have done from the beginning of this thread).

Well, as I said, you'll do what you do and we can't control that. I don't think she sounds like a good bet for a long-term relationship, and I don't think you do either. I suspect you'd both be better off with "better" people.

msboogie · 27/09/2010 16:54

in answer to AF's questioning why you didn't just go and find someone else you said:

"AF, because it would really hurt her."

That's not the point. Her being hurt because a relationship ended is much less worse than her being with the wrong man because he doesn't want to hurt her and thinks he is best placed to put up with her hysterical moods and neuroses.