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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Female perspective required (again)

221 replies

EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:00

I posted on this before, about my long term partner, but things have changed slightly and I'd still like to hear some thoughts

My DP and I moved in together 3 years ago, in a new town for work, where we didn't know anyone. Almost straight away, her father died and things were very sad. Neither of us were happy in our jobs or in our relationship (the sex died, we argued, etc), and we split up.

Now, in the mean time, I saw a few other women, but my (at the time XP) wanted me back, and with few friends of her own wanted me to visit, and I did. This meant stopping dating other women. The problem was that we're in limbo.

I thought to help me make a decision, we would go away for a week. We had a great week and got on really well, and if I'm honest, I do love her. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the adage that one shouldn't go back. On the other hand, I'm not really going forward.

I want to resolve this for both our sakes. I'm sick of this limbo. Am I just scared of commitment, or is it wrong to go back once you've split up? Or were they exceptional circumstances?

OP posts:
Taghain · 27/09/2010 16:58

Briefly:
Mike, grow some balls.
Dump her properly.
In a couple of years she'll thank you for it.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 16:58

Gretl,

Thanks for your advice, I think we'll have to agree to disagree, I think you've misinterpreted my words (perhaps it doesn't come across well, but the idea of me as some abusive man is preposterous)

AF,

I agree with your point there. I'm just not sure I am the wrong man (or she the wrong woman)

OP posts:
MadAboutQuavers · 27/09/2010 17:02

What are YOUR flaws that would affect your relationship working, Mike?

Or is it only HERS that are an issue?

You are demonstrating to us all here, very clearly, what your "flaws" are, by the way

But you don't seem to have any awareness about any flaws in yourself

Gretl · 27/09/2010 17:03

I'm not saying you are abusive. I think the way you talk about her suggests the potential is there for emotional abuse. Actually, your sentence "I perceive this as an anonymous way to scatter my ideas" - in the context of this thread - was what clinched it. I thought it was interesting how you view yourself here.
It doesn't matter what I think, anyway. And, as you say, the internet does allow our words to misrepresent themselves.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 17:04

I know what my flaws are. My principle one is that I'm indecisive. Do you want to inform me of my flaws you perceive I may have?

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 17:05

Gretl, how does it mean? "scattering my ideas", what kind of bastard does that make me?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 17:06

mike...you do realise that coming/going, raising/dashing her hopes, fucking off for a while to shag other women (as you have done), making sure she knows you are "deciding" whether to stay with her or not, is a form of abuse, don't you ?

it's called emotional abuse and it ain't pretty

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 17:08

AF, I don't buy that, sorry. Splitting up, going on some dates, meeting up again, and openly saying I'm not sure ... hell, we're all abusers on that basis.

OP posts:
Spero · 27/09/2010 17:08

Mike, please just end the relationship now. I agree with everyone else who says 'the one' is just bollocks; I am sure there are many 'the ones' with whom one could have a long and happy life... but equally I agree with everyone who says, if you can't consider the relationship without feeling full of joy that she is the woman for you then END IT NOW.

Anything else is just cowardly, cruel and selfish.

and I speak as a woman who was with a man for a couple of years who obviously wasn't 'sure' if I would do for him... only trouble is, he has left me with a child and our relationship is utterly soured as I don't think I can ever forgive him for wasting my time and hurting both me and our daughter.

So please, walk away. Failing to make a decision, in this kind of a scenario, is a decision in itself.

Gretl · 27/09/2010 17:09

I was interested in how you viewed yourself as a donor, a disseminator, a bestower.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 17:10

oh come on Gretl, they're words you used, I've never written then. You'll be feeling the bumps on my skull next.

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 17:14

Yes, my words - I'm not assigning them to you at all. My feeling of unease.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 17:17

mike...you asked for opinions

you are getting 'em Smile

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 17:20

AF, I know, and I'm not taking them personally, I am reading and thinking.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 27/09/2010 17:21

Mike

You seem like a nice enough guy (not switched on to how women think at all, btw, but that's most blokes), but you sound like you just aren't into her. I think after this amount of time, you either "can't live without her" or you jog on. I think you are talking yourself into settling for her and being a rescuer.
She won't thank you for this at all when it all goes tits up because you've both realised you didn't have the courage to call it a day when you should.

Ryuk · 27/09/2010 17:30

This is why polyamory is awesome.

You stay with each other, you both meet other people, you have the other people and still keep each other. It's not either/or.

But not everyone can do that. But when you can, it's great.

As for your situation, apart from suggesting you both try the above, I'm not sure what else to tell you. You need to discuss it with her, both have a good long think, discuss it some more, and go from there. Might work for you both to pootle along a bit and see what happens, or it mgiht not. That's unfortunately probably not something anyone on the internet can predict for you.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/09/2010 17:39

SOrry but the more you post, the more of a wanker you sound, Mike. I think what you are actually loking for is all of us to cream our knickers about how incredibly wonderful and noble you are for even contemplating staying with this 'moody', 'difficult' 'unreasonable' woman.
The bottom line is you think you are better than her and she should be grateful to have you - and just to make sure she remains grateful, you are going to keep reminding her that you could walk away, that you are 'undecided' about her, that every time she does something that you don't like you can sigh meaningfully and watch her turn herself inside out trying to placate you.

arsesandoldlace · 27/09/2010 17:51

Bit arrogant really aren't you Mike? I can just imagine you IRL. An answer for everything and never wrong.

Feel free to ignore all the advice you asked for if you don't agree with it. Bit of a futile exercise but I must admit to enjoying this thread, it has been an insight.

ValiumSingleton · 27/09/2010 17:58

She may not be the one, but he's obviously not confident that he'll find somebody 'better'. Maybe he isn't very confident or interesting etc... maybe, even though he doesn't 100% love her, he doesn't really understand why she loves him. If he did, he'd be off.

swallowedAfly · 27/09/2010 18:11

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AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 18:36

mike...when you were "on a break" shagging around did you not find anyone as pliable lovely as her ?

dogfish · 27/09/2010 18:58

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MamaGogo · 27/09/2010 19:14

Gretl, you're bloody amazing!

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 19:16

df...nobody who has been a bit Hmm about mike's behaviour has said this is a gender-linked thing

don't read "man-hating" into criticism of his mindset

plenty of women piss men around too

just sayin'

dogfish · 27/09/2010 19:22

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