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Original poster

Female perspective required (again)

221 replies

EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:00

I posted on this before, about my long term partner, but things have changed slightly and I'd still like to hear some thoughts

My DP and I moved in together 3 years ago, in a new town for work, where we didn't know anyone. Almost straight away, her father died and things were very sad. Neither of us were happy in our jobs or in our relationship (the sex died, we argued, etc), and we split up.

Now, in the mean time, I saw a few other women, but my (at the time XP) wanted me back, and with few friends of her own wanted me to visit, and I did. This meant stopping dating other women. The problem was that we're in limbo.

I thought to help me make a decision, we would go away for a week. We had a great week and got on really well, and if I'm honest, I do love her. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the adage that one shouldn't go back. On the other hand, I'm not really going forward.

I want to resolve this for both our sakes. I'm sick of this limbo. Am I just scared of commitment, or is it wrong to go back once you've split up? Or were they exceptional circumstances?

OP posts:
Bast · 27/09/2010 11:24

It's OK to feel affection for an ex, Mike.

For example (and if he wasn't in a relationship with me!) I'm sure my partner could very much enjoy a week away with one of his exes in particular - but a relationship between them just wasn't meant to be.

Show your ex the decency and respect of being honest with her (and yourself) that for whatever reason(s), your relationship together wasn't quite right for you.

Gretl · 27/09/2010 11:34

Experience. Nobody can know for certain but experience allows us to see and understand patterns of behaviour. FGS there are reams of self-help books aimed at women, to help them spot men like you!

Your investment in this relationship is almost risk free.
Hers is loaded with risk, in terms of future fertility.

You might see that as her concern and not yours. If she sees you as worth investing in, then most likely, she sees you as jointly involved in her fertility. You have a responsibility to make it clear to her - either by leaving her or by talking to her and being clear - that you don't wish to take on that responsibility.

Most of the men I am thinking of have been very good at dissembling and not facing up to this. Not deliberately, I don't think. It's just immaturity and a really poor idea of what the woman has to lose.

maryz · 27/09/2010 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HomeEcoGnomist · 27/09/2010 11:37

Look at it like this Mike: most people go into marriage believing that they are with The One, and they won't ever have to worry about problems like other couples, as they are so compatible, so in love etc etc.

You, on the other hand, are starting from the premise that it might work out, if you can get over the things that are bothering you now.

Of course no-one knows how things will go...but there's a high probability that the things that bother you now aren't going to change, and in fact, more things will get added to the list over time.

Would you embark on any other serious commitment (changing careers/buying a house) if you were only 50/50 about it?

ValiumSingleton · 27/09/2010 11:39

I agree, very good advice from Gretl.

i do know of a man though, who was like this about his on/off gf, throughout their 30s. Eventually he must have decided that whatever he thought he was looking for or missing that his 'gf' was reality and they seem very happy now, with their two kids.

So if the thoughts of bringing children in to the World with her makes you feel like reversing, or more 40/60 than 50/50 than do the KIND thing and end it.

You say you can't live without her. Maybe you HAVE to live without her, because if she's 100% about you, how can she move on and give other guys a chance when you're still always contactable........?

agree with gertl, the mature thing to do is the hardest but the kindest, ultimately.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 11:44

Gretl,

I think you're painting a little unfair picture of "men like me". I recognise that she has her fertility to be concerned with, if I didn't, this wouldn't be an issue. In that regard, men have the upper hand at this stage in life (I think), but I didn't design things that way, it's just the way things are.

If I wasn't concerned about her, we would be moving on (because it's risk free for me), and then we could split in a few years time, no problem.

I realise I can meet other people, so e) is unlikely, I certainly wouldn't want b), d) could happen, I don't think I'm a c) kind of person, but who knows.

Ok, how about another perspective. If the meaning of life is to find someone and make them happy, by being with my X/DP, I'm doing that. I'm making the world a happier place

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 11:47

ok, what about another perspective? The problems we have would be a problem with any future man (I refer more specifically to the moods). I have learnt to accept this, and am best positioned to be the family man for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 11:49

HE,

and another perspective, what if I'm just more perceptive than other people who think they're with "the one", whereas others are wilfully blind?

OP posts:
Givenchy · 27/09/2010 11:50

Re the sex issue, have you discussed what you would want? Everyone has different needs and it is unlikely that she is a mindreader! If you have, and it is still not right, then I would move on. Again, personal experience tells me that it has to be right or your life seems very barren Sad

SolidGoldBrass · 27/09/2010 11:51

Definitely get out now. The way you talk about her in your post of 11.47 is TBH condescending and smug. (I appreciate that you don't mean to be). You have decided that she is a Poor Thing with Problems so you will be the great rescuer and look after her but for this sacrifice (of the chance to meet and have sex with other women/travel the world/do what you like) you will expect her unending devotion and gratitude.
ANother thing to consider, it's possible that her moodiness is down to her being aware that actually you are Just Not That Into Her and therefore she might be a lot happier with a man who adores her unreservedly.

DuelingFanjo · 27/09/2010 11:53

there's no such thing as 'the one' and I think people are mad to think so.

Only you can decide if you want a future with this woman. No one can be certain that it will last forever.

BohoHobo · 27/09/2010 11:55

If you got to 30, had 3 years together, one apart and still are not 100%, she is not the one for you.

Simple. Move on.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 11:55

SGB,

I don't want to be a rescuer, I just think that's the reality of the situation. I think all people have problems (including me), but some are overcomeable. It's definitely not the latter, I know her too well.

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 11:56

Bohohobo, I would say that in those three years, her father died (after being in a coma for six months). It wasn't a normal three years, so to speak. That's what gives me pause to think we should retry

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/09/2010 11:57

Oh right, so you don't want to 'fix' her problems, you just want to make her aware, every day in every way, that you are a saint for putting up with her?
You don;t love her but you like the idea of her being hopelessly in love with you mate.
Walk away.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 11:58

"I know her too well"

and yet are still equivocal, still thinking "there is some other women out there for me", are still 50/50

if I ever thought that someone described me in those terms you used, and proclaimed to be 50/50 about whether he should deign to stay with me, he would be for the high jump

man up, and stop messing about

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 27/09/2010 12:01

Most couples have minor problems, which often mgnify significantly after marriage and children are thrown into the mix. They do not have problems which cause a year's anguish after two years together, no marriage, and no children. That is a BAD SIGN.

And I see what SGB is reacting to - your post about how she'd have problems with anyone and at least you can cope with those problems is awful, it really is. If I thought for a second that my husband had proposed because he thought well, she's flawed, but she'll never find happiness elsewhere so I might as well man up and help her out...well, we would no longer be married.

Have you considered perhaps that she wouldn't have the moods if she was with a different man? I think that because she's 100% and you're 50/50, you've forgotten to consider that perhaps another man could make her happier.

Either way, do not marry this woman. DO NOT.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 12:03

SGB, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that I can imagine some relationships can have problems.

For example, she might have a different taste in music. However, we could get over that, or there might be someone out there with a more suitable taste in music - easy.

Another problem is that she might have a tendency to become hysterical on odd occasions. This would be a problem for anyone, but I am well placed to live with her, because despite what some think, I do love her.

OP posts:
HomeEcoGnomist · 27/09/2010 12:06

Well, maybe you are more perceptive. But starting out thinking it's such a one-sided relationship (she's 100%, you're only 50-50) but maybe you can do enough to get you through it does not seem like a great basis for the future. And maybe it is the case that others are blindly optimisitic, but TBH, I would want my partner to be a damn sight more enthusiastic about me & the prospect of a future with me than you are being about your P.

Curious to know how you could be with your DP and 'make her happy' (and make her life worth living!) if you are not fully invested in the relationship with her? Do you think she's lacking in perception so she won't realise this?

Dueling - you are right, no-one can be certain that one person can be the right partner forever. BUT surely you would hope that someone contemplating a long term relationship would have some hope that it could be??

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 12:08

HE, of course right now I'm not fully invested, but I would like to decide whether to be, to decide to commit. Surely that is a decision, not just something that happens to us?

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 27/09/2010 12:09

"That's what gives me pause to think we should retry"

but clearly you are pausing to think about why you shouldn't?

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 12:09

PS, I'm 50/50 in the sense that I know there are two options, I couldn't possibly give figures (95/5, or 40/60)

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 12:14

"In that regard, men have the upper hand at this stage in life (I think), but I didn't design things that way, it's just the way things are."

Well, now you're aware of it, you can do something about it Smile and not shrug your shoulders and say 'snot fair but snot my fault' and carry on as many men do, being cowards, messing up women's and children's lives.

(Though I will say, many women are complicit to some extent, and hear "I'm not sure, I'm not ready" as "Just give me six months and I will be" when really it quite obviously in hindsight means "Not you, not you; anyone but you".)

RudeEnglishLady · 27/09/2010 12:15

"If the meaning of life is to find someone and make them happy, by being with my X/DP, I'm doing that. I'm making the world a happier place"

Mike - there is no such thing as 'the meaning of life'. Many clever people have been trying to come up with this stuff for millenia and they can't. The meaning of life for everyone is individual.

Think about what is your absolute, true meaning of life - stop relying on these strange cliched platitudes that seem to govern your thinking and just concentrate on what you really want. No guilt, no comeback etc. What is meaningful to you, and do it.

You are only 30 - no age at all to start a new relationship.

zazen · 27/09/2010 12:16

Toss a coin then, if you don't want to go through it logically and make a decision..

Either you will stick it out and be with her through thick and thin- or you will be with her in a half assed way, most probably flunk it and mess up her life as well as your own.

Personally, if I knew you were so insipid about me, I'd dump you and start afresh. I guarantee she's more sick of the limbo than you: it's her eggs firing into the void after all (maybe take not of the dates of those "hysterical outbursts" - are they monthly perhaps? Maybe they're not so "inconsequential" after all).

Why don't you try some counselling for yourself Mike?

I think you would benefit greatly for some counselling to help you find your way yourself in your own life.

I mean, are you gay in any way? What was the relationship with your own father like? Have you siblings who are married? Undecided? Do you have any hobbies? What do these say about you?

Go for counselling is my advice. Leave your old g/f to make her own way without you.

Stupendous posts gretl and SGB