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Original poster

Female perspective required (again)

221 replies

EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:00

I posted on this before, about my long term partner, but things have changed slightly and I'd still like to hear some thoughts

My DP and I moved in together 3 years ago, in a new town for work, where we didn't know anyone. Almost straight away, her father died and things were very sad. Neither of us were happy in our jobs or in our relationship (the sex died, we argued, etc), and we split up.

Now, in the mean time, I saw a few other women, but my (at the time XP) wanted me back, and with few friends of her own wanted me to visit, and I did. This meant stopping dating other women. The problem was that we're in limbo.

I thought to help me make a decision, we would go away for a week. We had a great week and got on really well, and if I'm honest, I do love her. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the adage that one shouldn't go back. On the other hand, I'm not really going forward.

I want to resolve this for both our sakes. I'm sick of this limbo. Am I just scared of commitment, or is it wrong to go back once you've split up? Or were they exceptional circumstances?

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 12:18

REL, I know there's no one meaning of life, I was offering it as a perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 12:21

Zazen

Am I gay? No. I have a great relationship with my father. I have a range of interesting hobbies.

OP posts:
KnackeredOfLeeds · 27/09/2010 12:25

Sorry Mike but I agree with several of the posters.

If your having to ask for opinion ( which is of course based on a completely one sided view) you shouldn't be there. You don't sound stupid so why should you be asking advice on one of the most important decisions of your life.

I agree that every relationship is a gamble but you absolutly have to be starting from a mutually 100% in love position.

Stop being such a wimp! 3 of my friends have been left 40 and childless by blokes like you (yes I'm generalising)That haven't had the balls to end it but strung my DF's on for years.

If your XP (you can't even bare to label her as a P)put the same question on here about you, would you let her go? Would you be gutted or relieved?

RudeEnglishLady · 27/09/2010 12:30

Well, okay, thats good! So - why do you think you should stay with her if she's prone to hysterical outbursts and you don't think she's the one? Just thought it sounded kind of the same.

Hey - i broke up a stagnant long term relationship at your age and it was the best thing i ever did so i'm probably biased!

Good luck to you both.

Purplebuns · 27/09/2010 12:35

It really shouldn't be a decision you make, if you are with someone you are so in love and compatible with, it is something that happens naturally.

If the person is right your intuition should tell you, and the next steps are a natural progression. (marriage, children etc)

So by the very fact you are having to think about it, seems to me that this is a no goer.

Your both young cut your losses and move on you have already messed around enough and after this period you should really know!

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 12:42

REL, because I don't believe in the idea of "the one". thanks anyway.

Also Purplebuns, I'm not sure I don't agree with the idea of not making decisions in love, and just going with the flow. Getting married is a decision, commitment is a decision, not something that happens. M

OP posts:
Purplebuns · 27/09/2010 12:57

EngineeringMike there is of course a decision as you choose to get married, however it should be something you just want to do, not something that needs a lot of questioning and thought.

I married DH as I love him and for both of us it was something that felt right as I already knew this is the man I want to be with. I didn't have to waste brain cells mulling it over.
I know the difference (now) as I have been in a relationship where I had to think hard about everything and it wasn't right. It is an emotional process, not purely cerebral.

eToTheiPi · 27/09/2010 13:11

EngineeringMike, why are you asking for advice and then arguing against the very sensible answers given? Noone should go into a relationship unless they are 100% it's not fair on the other person. Relationships are hard enough already.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 13:19

eTotheiPi

I'm arguing not for the hell of it, but offering alternative opinions. These are all thoughts I've gone through in my mind, and I'm still ruminating on. I'm not telling anyone they're wrong

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 27/09/2010 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ItsGraceAgain · 27/09/2010 13:50

You sound like a nice man, Mike. I'm not surprised your ex wants you back. Most of the problems in this forum are consequence of men having failed to think rationally about relationship matters, so I commend you on your approach. You don't deserve some of the harsher replies here. But ... if anybody has doubts about making a lifetime commitment, they shouldn't do it. I did. It was a mistake. Loads of other people have done it, too, and it's always a mistake. It's often said that you shouldn't even consider marriage unless you can't imagine your future without your partner. This isn't the case for you, is it? So don't do it.

Givenchy · 27/09/2010 14:28

OK, so maybe not 'the one', but at least have the courtesy not to go into marriage (or whatever) thinking that you are not sure you will stay with her. Better to hurt her now and let her meet someone else.

Also, you didn't reply to my queation about the sexual incompatabilities. Did you TRY to sort them out?

Trilobiteontoast · 27/09/2010 14:35

Actually, I think you should get back together with her if that's what she wants. I don't feel like you have no responsibility to her just because you don't feel '100%' certain: I believe in the other side of the cliches that are being posted (sorry, but they are cliches- all the business about how you'd 'just know' if she was 'the one' etc.), that your responsibility is to those who love you, rather than to those you love. You lived with her for three years- that's a commitment already, and you are 30, not 20, so it's hardly as if you're young (really bemused by people who think 30 is young). I think it would be really unfair, after all this, to leave her just because you've been told that love is a magic-sparkly-handwavy thing that you just know is right. Love is something you can work on by thinking of her positive traits, which she obviously has some of or you wouldn't even be contemplating it. Plenty of places, people aren't OMG in lurve at the start of relationships- it's a western consumerist fiction! I hate the way people (especially men) are encouraged to see relationships as disposable- but then I have been a victim of this so I am biased.

MadAboutQuavers · 27/09/2010 14:39

I don't believe that commitment - REAL commitment - is a decision. It is tied to a feeling that is so overwhelming, you can't help but be with that person.

I used to think it was a decision, in my twenties and early thirties, but it certainly isn't. The real stuff comes from a compulsion, which it doesn't sound like you have, Mike. You sound like you are trying to "not make a mistake". The biggest mistake you seem to be making is that your feelings have little part to play.

You are over thinking this WAY too much, and that's never a good sign. There are some things that HAVE to be overwhelmingly strong if they stand any chance of working at all. What you're feeling isn't overwhelmingly strong, by any stretch of the imagination, and you sound either not ready for this kind of a relationship, or it's just the case that she doesn't do it for you in the way that she should.

Don't make the biggest mistake of all. If it's not overwhelmingly strong, it's not going to work - no matter how much you try to convince yourself that you can FORCE things.

Oh, and by the way, I have much experience of being on both sides of this particular fence - I've been toyed with by my exP and I have also tried to convince myself that my will alone will make it work.

It doesn't.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 14:43

30 is young

it is when you get to the wrong side of 40, anyway

Booboobedoo · 27/09/2010 14:49

Have read the whole thread now, and I just wouldn't want to be with a man who felt/thought those things about me.

I'm referring to the lukewarm emotions/ sexual ambivalence/ that I have hysterical outbursts about things of little consequence.

I expect that if you were honest with her and expressed those feelings, she'd make the decision for you.

You don't sound like a bad person, but you do sound naive and self-absorbed to me.

Gretl · 27/09/2010 14:50

I'm another one who a) thinks 30 is young (and, I'm not being vindictive, but you sound a young 30 tbh Mike)...and b) believes commitment flows from the relationship, it isn't added into the relationship.

I also think romantic love is pretty idealised. When it comes down to it, relationships are quite hard work at times, and as someone said, when you have children all the niggles and imbalances are magnified a thousandfold. So while I think the cult of 'The One' is a pile of pants, i also think that love isn't overrated, it's vital, and you do sort of know it when you have it.

kickassangel · 27/09/2010 15:01

if you don't love her completely & utterly, then you will completely undermine her self confidence.

even if you're the most decent man on this earth, she will be able to tell that you're not 100%, and this will make her unhappy. probably at first she'll just be glad to be back together. after a while she'll feel like you're not always quite 'there' with her. eventually she'll both resent you & want to cling to you, because she won't know any other way to behave, but she will feel you pulling away.

so, being with her makes you happy? i'm sure you could say the same about a lot of your friends. but if any of them wanted to marry you & have sex with you, you'd say no.

we've listened to your arguments, twice now, and STILL we're saying the same thing. ask some of your man-friends, they'll probably agree as well.

it is cruel to stay if you don't love her

msboogie · 27/09/2010 15:10

You had your answer last time you posted about this Mike - it ain't gonna change no matter how many times or different ways you ask it.

The thing is

the "The One" thing is crap,

the expectation of lifelong committment can be pretty unrealistic for many people,

there's lots of different kinds of love and

the state of being "in love" is merely a relatively shortlived biochemical trick to get you procreating,

HOWEVER there is no point in being with someone if you are with them for the wrong reasons and with incompatible expectations.

You do not feel the way about this woman that you should feel in order to be in a relationship with her. That is pretty clear. You feel responsible for her, sorry for her, protective of her.

Ergo you must let her go. If you don't you will one day end up hating each other.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 15:30

I'm reading all this advice, and although everyone (bar one person) says we should split. Thanks for the help. It still doesn't make me think I should split. I love her, and I make her happy, and 99% of the time, she makes me happy.

As I've said before, I love this woman. I'd love it if she didn't have the few flaws that she does, and yes, I could go off and find someone else, I'd be ok, but it would destroy her, and being with her makes her so happy. I am her one.

As for 30, I think it's young. I might be a young 30, in the sense that some 30 year olds have fought in wars, had five kids and two divorces by now. I probably am overthinking this, but it's said that the wisest know they don't know, rather than the idea that "you just know".

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msboogie · 27/09/2010 15:40

there's something not right about the way you describe it all though. It's almost as if you are wanting to stay with her to save yourself from the guilt of not doing what you think is best for her.

Everyone has faults and there's not many of us would want to be with a faultless partner if we thouoght about it, so why do you go on about her faults? is it because you can't accept them? they will only annoy you more as time goes on...

elastamum · 27/09/2010 15:48

I'm 46 with two young kids that I love dearly. My ex pushed off a with a new girlfriend couple of years ago because he 'loved me but wasnt in love with me anymore'

He was always a bit flaky and I now wish he had gone years ago. 46 is not a great age to find yourself newly single with 2 young kids to bring up alone. Looking back, I could see it coming but I loved him and I thought he had more committment to us than he turned out to have.

mike, If you are going to bail, do the poor woman a favour and do it soon

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 15:52

To add a layer of complexity, my parents hate her - they see her as someone moody who makes me life terrible. They have honestly talked of me having Stockholm syndrome in wanting to stay with her.

However, my friends largely see her as perfect for me.

I see it as a bit like being with someone who you knew suffered and would suffer from clinical depression. You know at times things are going to be difficult, but would you leave because your life would be easier with someone that didn't suffer from that? A rational analysis says yes.

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Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 15:54

Perhaps something I should clarify is that we no longer live together, we're 150 miles apart.

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Gretl · 27/09/2010 16:01

You haven't once mentioned anything which you find attractive about her, which you value in her.

I was once in love with an alcoholic. I knew he could be a good guy without the alcohol. If I had stayed with him, stuck with him because he needed me, I'd have found (after a lengthy process) a man who I wasn't all that into.

You don't stay with someone you're not devoted to, just because they have problems. However, if you are devoted to them, of course it's worth staying with them through thick and thin (often, not always). I think you're seeing it rather the wrong way round.

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