Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Female perspective required (again)

221 replies

EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:00

I posted on this before, about my long term partner, but things have changed slightly and I'd still like to hear some thoughts

My DP and I moved in together 3 years ago, in a new town for work, where we didn't know anyone. Almost straight away, her father died and things were very sad. Neither of us were happy in our jobs or in our relationship (the sex died, we argued, etc), and we split up.

Now, in the mean time, I saw a few other women, but my (at the time XP) wanted me back, and with few friends of her own wanted me to visit, and I did. This meant stopping dating other women. The problem was that we're in limbo.

I thought to help me make a decision, we would go away for a week. We had a great week and got on really well, and if I'm honest, I do love her. But in the back of my mind I'm thinking of the adage that one shouldn't go back. On the other hand, I'm not really going forward.

I want to resolve this for both our sakes. I'm sick of this limbo. Am I just scared of commitment, or is it wrong to go back once you've split up? Or were they exceptional circumstances?

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 10:06

IME if you're not going forward, give it up now.

You don't mention age or children but look, if she hasn't got children, presumably she wants some at some point, and what I can see happening is that you'll keep going backwards and forwards and then finally decide she isn't the one you want - and by then your P will have lost perhaps years of possible childbearing time.

It isn't fair. I've seen it happen and it's cruel.

Apologies if I'm completely on the wrong track.

DuelingFanjo · 27/09/2010 10:08

not fair on her to go back.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:13

But it's her who 100% wants to go back. I'm 50/50 because on one hand I love her, whereas on the other I know we've had problems in the past.

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 27/09/2010 10:15

I think that if you're analysing it in this much detail then you know the real answer. It's just not there for you.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:17

By the way, we're both 30. As for analysing too much, could it not be that I'm just a neurotic analyser?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/09/2010 10:18

Look, what is happening here is that you like and care about this woman but you don;t love her as a romantic partner. YOu need to take a deep breath and kindly but firmly tell her so.
Because to carry on in a half-hearted relationship with her is a recipe for disaster. Even if she does love you desperately, that doesn't entitle her to have her love returned and it is not good her trying to emotionally blackmail you into 'loving' her. You will either come to resent her for making you feel trapped, which will emerge in you getting irritable with her and making endless petty little digs, or even worse, you will start to get off on the fact that she adores you so much she will do anything for you as long as you don't leave her.
Or, of course, while technically still this woman;s 'partner' you will meet another woman you would prefer to have a relationship with and end up being painted as a complete bastard.

Not loving someone who loves you is not a crime. It is much, much kinder to be firm with such a person and refuse to allow yourself to drift into an inertia relationship (she loves you, everyone's gotta settle down sometime (THat;s bullshit BTW) and she WIll Do.)

Gretl · 27/09/2010 10:19

But it's obvious. It's almost irrelevant what she wants. You're 50/50. It's not enough. When it comes to the crunch (children, a home together, marriage maybe) you'll re-analyse it and you'll run.

The grown-up thing to do is to stop it now, before you have to make any huge life decisions, before you've wasted her time.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:21

This is exactly the advice I got last time I posted this... so why can't I seem to live without her?

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 10:24

How are we supposed to know?
Because you are comfortable with her
Because you find the idea of 'dating' scary
Because you have good sex
Because you have any sex and that's better than the alternative
Because she looks after you and you like it
Because you look after her and it makes you feel needed in a world where people need things more than care
Because she boosts your ego
Because your friends are settling down and you're scared
because telling her you are only 50/50 about her is terrifying
Because you can't imagine the future very well
I don't know

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:28

OK, I appreciate you can't possibly know

OP posts:
Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:34

It's jsut frustrating that this has occupied over a year of our lives, I'm getting nowhere, and I see us happier than most couples out there.

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 10:34

Do you know that men like you are the subject of hours of anguished mid-thirties female hand-wringing?
You get into a relationship with a nice bloke, you're about 28/29, world's your oyster.
You have a great time, there's lots of money, you travel, you want for nothing.
The bloke starts to feel like this and does NOTHING about it.
Get to 34/35 and he suddenly decided it's not what he wants, tells you he's been feeling like that for years actually but thought he'd stick around and see if it got better (read: didn't have the guts to dump her until someone younger and better came along).
Meanwhile the woman is left in her mid-thirties and does want to settle down, does want to have children, but frankly any man she meets now is going to know she's perhaps slightly desperate. Plus, she doesn't get to be that choosy either.
I totally despair. Why is SHE being such a twit about you, too?

Gretl · 27/09/2010 10:37

Menwhile documentaries get made about why women are putting off having children until they are in their late 30s, the stupid, selfish cows. And no mention is made of the fact that it is totally socially acceptable for men your age to behave in this selfish, washy-washy way.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:40

Hang on, I think the wishy-washy thing to do would be to get married, have a couple of kids, and then at 35-40, think this isn't what I want. Is it not possible to love someone, without knowing they're the person you want to spend the rest of your life with at 30?

OP posts:
HomeEcoGnomist · 27/09/2010 10:41

If you're not 100% in it (for the bigger picture, not just what's happening now), then get out of it. I echo everything Gretl and SGB have said.

If you really were convinced you 'can't be without her', you wouldn't be on here canvassing opinion, would you?

HomeEcoGnomist · 27/09/2010 10:45

No Mike - wishy washy is letting her think this is going to go somewhere (which she will assume if you go back to her) without telling her you don't necessarily think the same.

Of course you can love someone right now...but at 30, do you really think it's that unusual/unfair that she may be expecting some kind of long term commitment?

Givenchy · 27/09/2010 10:46

There are so many different kinds of love. You sound as if you have one type, while she wants another. Believe me, you need the one who makes you fizz inside, not the 'she'll do' partner. I settled for a nice guy with no fizz and have regretted it. It's not too late for you (or her for that matter) to find the one!

Gretl · 27/09/2010 10:48

I agree. That's why you have to decide round about now, and not drag it out until you can bear her no longer, denying her the chance to meet someone who does feel sure about her. That is what I am saying. This is a grown-up scenario. Proper adult stuff.

If you were 25 - sure. Wait and see. She doesn't have the luxury of time in the way that you have, at the moment. And frankly if you're unsure enough to write about her on a forum full of women, you must be pretty unsure.

So either make a clean break, or have a GOOD HARD THINK about life with her as a married man with children. (I know this isn't a given and it's not what everyone wants but for the sake of argument, it is how most people choose to live.)

It is hard to look into the future but it is just cruel to keep her hanging on if you aren't able to deal with the above.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 10:50

let her go

you are being selfish to keep her around as a comfort blanket if things get tough

grow some balls, mike

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 10:55

I'm unsure about her for two reasons

  1. She can be moody (and not in a normal way, it's as if on occasion, she can become hysterical for a short period about something quite inconsequential)
  2. I'm not sure we click sexually 100% in the way I have with other people in the past.

The rest of the time, she is the most perfect person in the world

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 11:00

I mean there are a few options.

a) stay with her and it all goes really well (and you are glad you didn't listen to those hard-faced cows on mumsnet)

b) stay with her, have kids, end up with a broken family and a residual, but not overwhelming (NB this seems to be a male privilege), sense of guilt

c) stay with her then meet someone in about four years' time who you anguish over out of guilt, and then finally leave her for

d) leave her now, mooch around for a few months, meet someone really cool and take life from there

e) leave her now and be alone forever

I tell you now, a) and e) are unlikely, b) and c) are so likely they are just massive fucking clichés, d) is the mature least damaging thing to do.

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 11:15

Gretl, do you have experience of this?

OP posts:
Gretl · 27/09/2010 11:17

No I don't.
However, I'm a woman in my late thirties who has friends and family. It is well-nigh impossible to avoid having knowledge of this cliché.

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 11:18

gretl, that is very clear-sighted and excellent advice

< takes notes >

Original poster
EngineeringMike · 27/09/2010 11:22

Gretl, so you do have experience of this! (I didn't necessarily mean personal as in you were one of the parties).

How does anyone know that a) isn't likely. Isn't another perspective that when we hear of long marriages, we hear people sticking through the ups and downs?

OP posts: