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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

domestic violence

219 replies

zozos · 21/09/2010 20:19

Hi, im really not sure if im in the right place and after some advice from others who have been through domestic violence. I am currently having problems with my partner mainly because of his drug abuse, drinking and gambling, the arguments are daily and the abuse is getting worse.
I dont know if i love him any more or even want to be with him, i am to ashamed to talk openly with any member of my family or my health visitor about any of this yet i am to scared to leave.
I dont know where i turn i have a disabled son whom adores his dad and a 9 month old baby and dont know how i would cope on my own, the situation is dragging me down. is he likely to chance or do i accept that this is how he is from now on and i either stay for the support and help but put up with the physical abuse or leave and struggle on my own with 2 children.

OP posts:
Gigantaur · 21/09/2010 20:23

Firstly you have nothing to be ashamed of.
I do however know precisely how you feel.

I suffered 7 years of domestic violance.

When i left i had a 4 year old autistic son and a 10 week old DD.

I fully appreciate what a daunting though it is to consider leaving.
But you know that you must. Whether you love him or not you cannot allow your children to see the violance.

You know he wont change. he will of course promise to, and you will desperatly want him to but he never will.

It is a big decision but the rewards are even greater.
I am happy to talk you through the process and give some practicaladvice about leaving

Original poster
zozos · 21/09/2010 20:44

where do i go for help we own our home so i would be homeless as it is in his name i have called the police several times on him as he beat me quite badly a few weeks ago was bailed and then come and beat me again and yet again bailed, i have social services coming round tomorrow due to the police being called m so scared just don tknow what to do my little boy has epilepsy and fragile x and a handfull just dont know how i would cope, to the outside we are a happy normal family but in realiyt far from happy.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/09/2010 20:49

zozos, how awful for you.

Do you feel able to phone Women's Aid? The number is 0808 2000 247. It is free from a landline and will not show up on your bill. They can take you to a house where you will be safe. If you don't feel ready to leave they will just talk.

But please do something! x

BertieBotts · 21/09/2010 20:52

The best thing you can do to show social services you are in control is to remove your children from this environment yourself, NOW. I am worried for you. I promise though that you would cope, you will be fine, there are loads of us on here who have escaped abusive relationships. We all of us thought that we couldn't cope, we were all scared, but we all did it. In my case the abuse was not physical but I understand to an extent the fear and the helplessness.

There are good people in the world who will help you. You can survive without this man, in fact you will flourish!

Gigantaur · 21/09/2010 20:57

ok. Firstly be open and honest about what is happening to SS.

I must warn you that they will be looking at your situation from your childs point of view and as such they will be telling you (in a hopefully sympathetic way) that unless you free yourself from this man and his violance then you are at high risk of having your children removed.

Hopefully when they see that you have tried to have him charged and that you do in fact want to leave then they can offer you some assistance.

your very first thing to do is contact womens aid - 0800 2000 247

they will be able to give you help in actually leaving. they will be able to find you refuge accomodation.
They will talk you through all the things you need to do to keep yourself safe until you can leave but in the meantime try and collect as much as you can.

IF you have a joint account try and take the money from that and put it in a seperate account.
collect your birth certificates, passports, marriage certs, mortgage paperwork, bank statements basically anything that may be needed.
if you aren't able to hide them anywhere put them in an envelope and send them to a trusted friend or relative adressed to yourself.

pack up a bag of clothes for you and the children and hide it in the car/friends house
make sure you have formula/nappies/bottle anythng you will need for the first day or so.

Don't worry about trying to take everything. You will be able to get back into the house to get the rest of your stuff at a later date. the police and refuge staff will arrange for you to be escorted in and out if necessary.

|I know you are worried that you wont cope but in reality you are already proving yourself to be an incredibly strong and capable woman, of course you will cope.

The refuge staff will all help you and can find other help that is available locally to help you with your ds.

You can do this.

Ineedacoffee · 21/09/2010 21:01

So sorry to hear about your situation. speaking about it here is an excellent first step. Well done!

Ring your local womens aid. I think they are all 24 hours - you can google them. They should be able to give you all the practical help you need including a place to escape to - tonight if you need it.

Tell social services the whole truth tomorrow. Make notes first if you need to. I know they get a bad press but they should be able to provide you with practical help and support as well.

If you can try to write down the specific episodes - like a diary, at least these last two. It is really helpful for you and those helping you to have the details in black and white. It can also help clarify whats been happening in your own mind. You could include verbal and emotional abuse as well as physical.

Finally try and enlist as much RL support as you can. Nobody will judge you. If you can't face telling friends and family yet then speak to soc services, your HV and GP - it is their job to help you.

Sorry to just give you a list. I think you are so brave for taking the first step. He wont change sadly - they never do. You will be much better off once you have got your children and yourself out of a violent environment. Good luck x

Ineedacoffee · 21/09/2010 21:02

sorry x-post. others know the womens aid number. ring them tonight if you can.

msboogie · 21/09/2010 21:22

Definitley, you must be seen to be taking steps to sort yourelf out when SS come round. If you ring women's Aid tonight you can tell them you have done so when they visit you. Also, please tell them the truth. Covering up for him or what is happening will only make them think you are not willing to protect yur children.

Be honest - say you need help and are willing to accept it and then prove it by your actions. They could take your kids otherwise, an I am sorry to say that they would be right to do so because if their mother is being abused in their home then the childreny are being abused also.

Original poster
zozos · 21/09/2010 21:24

thankyou, i have no phones as he takes them and thecar all money pushchairs to work with him, i am scared what social services will say in fact im petrified i have no friends and cut off frommy family so no one to turn to.
i have no means of escaping this man i have no income i am told what to wear whee i can and cant go who i am allowed if i am allowed to talk to so wouldnt even know how to run my own life with out him telling me what to do.

my heart is pounding as i write this as it is going to show up on my history but if i delete it he will know i have been doing something i shouldnt have is there any way of deleting browsing history but just certain parts so it looks like i have not used the computer??

OP posts:
Gigantaur · 21/09/2010 21:27

where abouts in the country are you? I am sure there will be an MNer nearby who could help you.

Tell Social services everything you have said here.
they may well be able to take you straigh away and move you to a refuge right there and then, or at the very least make some phone calls on your behalf.

I am not particularly tech savvy but im sure someone will be along who is.

Gigantaur · 21/09/2010 21:29

i have inboxed you ZOZOS.

AllarmBells · 21/09/2010 21:32

Zozos, to delete specific history, are you in Internet Explorer?
Go to Favourites, then History, click Today, it will show a list of where you have been today. Click Mumsnet and it will delete all the Mumsnet pages.

Listen to Gigantaur, she has been through it. You need to get away for your children. Best of luck.

msboogie · 21/09/2010 21:34

Oh my god - please ring WA and get the hell out of there now. Is he at home?

Original poster
zozos · 21/09/2010 21:40

look im sorry i should never have posted on here im scared enough as it is, and its not that easy to just get up and go with 2 kids.

OP posts:
msboogie · 21/09/2010 21:43

I know its not easy, it will never be easy, it will only get harder, so just pick them up and walk into a police station tonight or ask your neighbours to phone the police - they can help you.

msboogie · 21/09/2010 21:44

this nightmare will only end when you end it.

BaggyAgy · 21/09/2010 21:45

In answer to the question in your original post, Yes he will change, he will get WORSE. You need to separate.

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 21/09/2010 21:48

zozos - if you go to 'history' and bring up the list of all sites you've visited, you should be able to right-click on the ones you want rid of, and choose 'delete'.

good luck to you.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 21/09/2010 21:53

oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry. Is he there now? Do you get out of the house at all - to take the kids to school or to the shops? Because right now the thing you need to do is make a plan to get your and you little ones out of there. Many MNers have left with a baby under each arm and a plastic bag, or just nothing else. Where in the country are you based, roughly? Sure MN can conjure up a rescue squad.

I know you're really scared, but try to breathe, know you can delete history, and think about how much better life could be for your DC and for you.

Gigantaur · 21/09/2010 21:56

i am contacting zozos off board.

she is very very frightened. She isn't too far from me so i have offered to go and collect her.

try not to put too much pressure on her. Leaving is incredibly hard for anyone but for someone who has been controlled in this way for so long it seems totally unimaginable.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 21/09/2010 22:00

That's amazing, gigantaur. Are you alright?

Zozos, the best of luck and my thoughts are with you tonight.

BertieBotts · 21/09/2010 22:00

Thank you for the update Gigantaur. What a kind thing to do. Please stay safe.

Zozos I wish you luck and hope that you can get sorted as soon as possible. It was such a brave thing to do to post here.

Gigantaur · 21/09/2010 22:05

I am fine Elephants. Its 6 years since i left and now have a very different life.

I just wish i had had MN all those years ago.

malinkey · 21/09/2010 22:12

Zozos I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Well done for posting on here (if you are still here) and good luck with everything. I hope Gigantaur can help you.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 21/09/2010 22:15

Thinking of you and sending you strength at this time xxx

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