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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

domestic violence

219 replies

zozos · 21/09/2010 20:19

Hi, im really not sure if im in the right place and after some advice from others who have been through domestic violence. I am currently having problems with my partner mainly because of his drug abuse, drinking and gambling, the arguments are daily and the abuse is getting worse.
I dont know if i love him any more or even want to be with him, i am to ashamed to talk openly with any member of my family or my health visitor about any of this yet i am to scared to leave.
I dont know where i turn i have a disabled son whom adores his dad and a 9 month old baby and dont know how i would cope on my own, the situation is dragging me down. is he likely to chance or do i accept that this is how he is from now on and i either stay for the support and help but put up with the physical abuse or leave and struggle on my own with 2 children.

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 06/10/2010 22:28

thanks for the update zozos,

what you are going through must be simply awful - I wish I could take you out for fish and chips and give you a hug and look after your dc's for an hour or two while you have a good, long hot bath.

You are a brave woman. One step at a time!

shodatin · 06/10/2010 22:48

Just seen your last post, and am so relieved you seem so much better after seeing GP, which was indeed a very positive step.
You're not alone here, so many of us wishing you well and wishing we could help.
Congratulations on what you achieved today - you will find it does get easier to deal with, particularly when the tablets start working.
Hope you have another positive day tomorrow x

Dione · 06/10/2010 22:52

Zozos you have done so well. Today was a good day because you have taken another step. I understand that it is very difficult. You have dealt with so much on your own and it can be hard to seek help from others, but you have asked and it is forthcoming. Now it is time to lean on others (support worker, HV, GP) they will support you and so will we. Best wishes.Smile

dizietsma · 07/10/2010 08:45

Wonderful news zozos, so glad you've got some help arranged. You sound less scared and more in control which is great. Like everyone says, you took one step and it helped. One step at a time is manageable, so when things are overwhelming just concentrating on the next step and ignoring the bigger picture can be a useful coping strategy.

FYI Diazepam (AKA Valium) is v. useful for anxiety and will work immediately, I use it myself on occasion.

We're still here if you need us, glad it's helping to post here Smile

Lemonylemon · 07/10/2010 09:29

If you can, get yourself some berocca. When I was on ADs many years ago, the doctor told me to take a berocca every day to give me a bit of a lift. They did help.

Well done for taking the first steps - they're the hardest ones to take. x

sb6699 · 07/10/2010 10:03

Seeing the GP and talking about what happened to you are a MASSIVE step forward.

Just remember, your doing the hard bit now, once this part is over the only way is up!

Well done Zozos.

BlueFergie · 07/10/2010 12:13

Zozo - You are doing great. Compared to a few weeks ago when you were scared to move, worried about picking your own clothes and now here you are sorting out yourself and your son. Meeting solicitors. Talking to GPs and health visitors.
I know everything looks daunting and it seems there is so much to do but just keep at it one thing at a time and you'll be surprised how much you achieve. You are so strong and after a few short weeks you are already in a better place. Keep going there is loads of help out there and on here. You have survived so much. Compared to what you endured in the past your future is easy!!

arfur · 09/10/2010 15:56

Just sending some love Zozos hope you and the kids are ok - keep on keeping on hun xxx

sickatryin · 10/10/2010 00:06

Hello this is such a difficult thing to speak about, in my heart i feel for you i was with my x for 13yrs he was an excellent worker but a bad hubby+ father. I can say walk away, isnt that easy? NOT, but for the sake of ur kiddies you must, firstly ur bein abused and ur showin ur kiddies, THIS IS THE WAY YOU TREAT A WOMAN AND IT"S ACCEPTABLE.. It"s NOT, you say you have a kiddie with problem"s ? well would you not be better with your children than with the hurt and worry of being with a man that treats you the way he does, your children do understand believe me, mine are 34, 29, + 24, the eldest two carry the can for what i let happen. Please love get help . Linda x

merrywidow · 11/10/2010 22:47

How are you feeling Zozos?

zozos · 12/10/2010 14:33

not coping hatethis place have had enough falling to bits dont know how much more i can take just wan to go home least i had some one to talk to im home sick my heart is breaking right now

OP posts:
buttonmoon78 · 12/10/2010 14:42

Oh, Zozos. Please don't think of goig home. Read what you wrote at the beginning. You didn't have someone to talk to, you had someone who would abuse you.

You must be so lonely and I know that any relationship seems better than none at the moment but stay strong, please for your children, and for your sake too.

Your heart will heal, your dcs will benefit.

Don't go home. Don't ever give him the chance to hurt you again.

Please stay here and keep talking to us. There are so many here who want to help in any way that we can. x

follyfoot · 12/10/2010 14:56

Poor you Sad Thing is zozos, this sadness is temporary, if you go back, the nightmare becomes permanent.

It will be better than this. I promise. Been there myself. And gone back - too many times. It never works, it only gets worse, and your poor DCs would be living with that fear and sadness too.

Hang on tight, it wont always feel like this. Big hug to you x

dizietsma · 12/10/2010 15:28

You will make new friends, this wont last forever.

He was not your friend, he abused you. He might have listened to you, though frankly I find that a little unlikely, but he would also control you and hurt you. No friend is worth violence and control. You will find new friends who will listen to you and spend time with you because they like you. They wont hurt you, they wont control you.

Just try and make it through each day as it comes. Try not to focus on the long run for the moment, just get through each day however you can. This is a very difficult point, but it will pass. There is a end to this in sight, there is no end to the abuse if you go back.

Perhaps you have been institutionalized by his control? By which I mean, you have come to find his control perversely comforting and without it you feel lost. If you haven't already seen it, I recommend you watch The Shawshank Redemption, it compassionately describes the effects of institutionalization, it might help you understand your feelings, and besides which it's a brilliant film.

Again, I urge you to find someone else to support you. Friends, family, support workers, the Samaritans, anyone. Take the kids out for a walk, go see a movie with them, go to a playgroup, or even a local softplay centre where you can let them loose and have an hour to yourself. Try to do one nice thing for yourself every day.

Finally, please think of the consequences of returning before you do anything rash. The social services involvement and the possible consequences for your kids, the violence, the emotional abuse of your kids, living in fear, having no freedom. You and your kids deserve better.

SlightlyJaded · 12/10/2010 21:24

Hi Zozo. Have been following your thread and first of all want to applaud you on your bravery - you have done an incredible thing.

I have not been in your situation but just wanted to add to the support, as I sense from your last post that you are feeling especially low again today. Please please stay strong and listen to the wonderful women on here who have been through similar situations and have come out the other end.

I can't imagine how hard it must be 'adapting' to a life without 'him' telling you what to wear/eat/think, and it will take time but why not set yourself simple goals each day. Today, I will go to the park. Tomorrow we will go to the library. This week, we will take a bus to a gallery. Even if you don't achieve them all, it might help to start build your confidence and social skills which are things that have been crushed for so long

I don't know where you are but I am in SW/W London and would be very happy to meet you for a coffee/walk in the park with your DCs if only to offer you a change of scenery from the room you are in.

And six months will pass and you have a new life waiting for you so hold tight.

arfur · 07/11/2010 22:17

How are you doing zozos? Sending some love and support x

dizietsma · 08/11/2010 08:58

Really hoping things have improved for you zozos.

zozos · 09/11/2010 17:02

Hi i have not been on for a while, was in a bad way a few weeks ago but doing ok now am still at the refuge and things are good me and the kids are all settled i have people to talk to and i am back in contact with my family it has been hard at times and i do get really down but we all safe and happy now.

Thankyou to every one for your support and kind words xx

will try toget on later if i can dinner is burning!

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 09/11/2010 17:12

Zozos so glad to see this.
I ahve been thinking about you. Well done for sticking with it and making a safer, happier life for you and your kids.

Good Luck xx

shodatin · 09/11/2010 17:41

So glad to hear that life has improved, and your family are probably pleased for you too! Congratulations (and thank you for letting us know you're O. K.)

msboogie · 09/11/2010 18:14

that is brilliant zozos! Onward and upward!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/11/2010 19:34

Amazing. You're doing a great job and wonderful to hear you're back in touch with RL supporters. Your kids are very lucky to have you :)

mumonthenet · 09/11/2010 19:51

oh Zozos tis so good to hear that you are OK and feeling a bit better.

Thanks for letting us know. I am ashamed to say I was wondering if you might have gone back. I am SO pleased you didn't.

Keep safe, keep strong and keep posting.

scallopsrgreat · 09/11/2010 20:08

Well done zozos. You are so strong! Very glad to see that you are feeling better. You've really come a long way and hopefully now you'll start having things to look forward to.

arfur · 09/11/2010 22:57

Thanks for the update zozos great to hear you sounding so much happier and fantastic that you are back in touch with your family. Probably an odd thing to say to someone ive never met but Im really proud of you xxx