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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

domestic violence

219 replies

zozos · 21/09/2010 20:19

Hi, im really not sure if im in the right place and after some advice from others who have been through domestic violence. I am currently having problems with my partner mainly because of his drug abuse, drinking and gambling, the arguments are daily and the abuse is getting worse.
I dont know if i love him any more or even want to be with him, i am to ashamed to talk openly with any member of my family or my health visitor about any of this yet i am to scared to leave.
I dont know where i turn i have a disabled son whom adores his dad and a 9 month old baby and dont know how i would cope on my own, the situation is dragging me down. is he likely to chance or do i accept that this is how he is from now on and i either stay for the support and help but put up with the physical abuse or leave and struggle on my own with 2 children.

OP posts:
Original poster
zozos · 21/09/2010 22:15

i know i need to leave am just scared of the consequences and how i would cope.

OP posts:
malinkey · 21/09/2010 22:16

You will cope. Look what you've coped with so far.

Gigantaur · 21/09/2010 22:26

what you are dealing with now will make the future struggles seem like a breeze.

It wont be easy and there will be time when you question whether it was the right thing to do, but you will know that it was.

Leaving is difficult and frightening and you will panic about the consequences for quite a while, but it will get easier day by day.

I cannot tell you how much better my life is now.

I now have a lovely house and a wonderful DP that loves me and treats me with respect. I am a completely different person to the lady that left 6 years ago.

you will cope. And when you find that times are more difficult you will have us to help you and point you in the direction of others that can give you more hands on assistance.

you can do it

nbyet · 21/09/2010 22:27

Leaving will be tough but staying will be worse. You can be happy, you just have to be brave first.

Will you be seeing the SS by yourself tomorrow?

cherrymonster · 21/09/2010 22:28

zozos- iam posting this here as a message of support. i hope that you leave with gigantaur, and that you and your darlings are now safe. i have been through domestic violence in 2 separate relationships, and gotten away from it both times. when i was 19 i was attacked by the man i had been in a relationship with for 4 years, and had a baby with and was pregnant again. i left with our son, a bag of his clothes, a bag of my clothes, an old pram (as he had locked the buggy in his car) and a small bag of ds1's toys. i fled 150 miles from home after contacting womens aid who issued me with a travel pass and gave me £30 in cash. i stopped at taunton refuge for a week to wait for space in a different refuge even further away. i spent 2 days getting my head together then applied for a crisis loan from the dds in taunton who awarded me funds to clothe myself and ds better, buy a buggy, and some food. 5 days later i went to plymouth and ended up staying there for 2 months before returning to my home town and staying away from the ex. 3 years ago, i was attacked again by another partner of 4 years, after having my 2 daughters. i had him charged with assault and taken to court where he was bound over for 2 years. i was then a single parent under the age of 26 with 4 children under 9. i have never looked back since. the children still have minimal contact with their fathers, but i am no longer intimidated by either of them. you CAN do this, and for yours and your childrens sake you MUST!!!! good luck, please let us know if we can help xxxxxxxx

BertieBotts · 21/09/2010 22:37

zozos (hugs) I know that it is scary and unknown. Wondering about the aftermath is hard as well. If you choose to go down the Women's Aid route then you will be safe and your husband will not be able to contact or intimidate you. It's possible that once you have left, you won't have to be face to face with him ever again. Certainly you won't ever have to be alone with him (and you can insist on supervised contact for your children as well, if you want them to carry on seeing him) The police and social services are on your side, they will help you. I know it is frightening to think about social services but they really don't want to take the children from you - you just need to show them you are willing to work with them to protect the children, which I'm sure is what you want too. If you were to leave and go into a refuge social services would not mark this against you for missing the appointment, in fact they would be happy to hear this.

What I'm trying to say (sorry for waffling) is you won't have to cope alone. There are people who can help deal with the consequences and the aftermath and help you cope on your own, in time, when you feel ready.

Could you get to a phone box with the children? Maybe not tonight but perhaps during the day, when he works?

If the thought of going into a refuge is scary then do read the first post on this thread, it's a poster who had to go into a refuge and was scared it would be awful, she posted about her experience there.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant

Original poster
zozos · 21/09/2010 22:41

thankyou i have read all the post and am overwhelmed but petrified i have bruises to my face that will be seen by social sevices, and am a nervous wreck. i have to go as he is due home at 11 and i need to delete the browsing history or try to. thankyou for just listening x

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/09/2010 22:43

Don't be embarrassed about the bruises. SS are here to help you keep the children safe. If you ask them for help they will help you.

I wish you all the luck in the world for tomorrow. x

Gigantaur · 21/09/2010 22:44

good luck for tomorrow.

you now where i am

x

cestlavielife · 21/09/2010 22:51

zozos please tell SS everything and ask their help in getting you and your two vulnerable dc out of there. they CAN help you.

take up giantaur's offer - once you away wiht your suitcase (pack your ds meds) you will be able to see more clearly and access the support you need.

it is scary but you have no choice.

then tick to arranging only supervised contact at a contact centre and get SS to help you.

veritythebrave · 21/09/2010 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2010 23:11

wishing you strength and much sympathy x

please tell us how you get on tomorrow

QS · 21/09/2010 23:13

zozo. Please dont be scared to trust Giganteur. She is a pillar, a real pillar. I wish you strength and courage.

sb6699 · 22/09/2010 00:07

Another who has walked in your shoes and left it all behind - yes its scarey to think about actually doing it but once its done you'll feel like a weight has been lifted.

I know how difficult it is to tell people whats been going on but once you do you'll be amazed at the support that will be offered. It doesnt matter who you tell, SS, WA, friends or family, please just tell someone.

If you cant get to a telephone you can email WA - [email protected]

Wishing you lots of love and strength.

Btw, well done Gigantaur.

BrightLightBrightLight · 22/09/2010 00:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TottWriter · 22/09/2010 00:50

Just want to say, I think you are an incredibly brave and strong woman for coming here and speaking about this. Please, please take up the offers of help - and if SS know he's been hitting you and you want him away, they can arrest him and keep him away while you get your belongings out; a friend of mine had the police do this while she got her belongings.

Don't forget, if you can get out of the house, it won't cost anything to ring 999 from a payphone, and you can contact support agencies online and then delete that specific history. Of you hold down Ctrl and click the specific pages in the 'all History' list, you can pick multiple pages to delete at once, which is faster.

Thinking of you; I hope you make it to a place of safety soon.

squashimodo · 22/09/2010 01:11

Thinking of you zozo...xx

veritythebrave · 22/09/2010 01:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PurpleOne · 22/09/2010 03:08

zozos, i did it with 2 kids, he wasnt even their father, you KNOW you can do this.

my life has changed so much...and for the best.im not watching over my shoulder anymore, waiting for him to hit me kids...or jump out from behind the door to scare me shitless.
no more namecalling
no more put downs
no more sarcastic comments

no more making me feel like shit
best wishes zozos xx

merrywidow · 22/09/2010 07:56

Go today. you have NOTHING to lose x

HRHPrincessReality · 22/09/2010 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gigantaur · 22/09/2010 11:57

Thank you all for your votes of confidence.

ZoZos is still reluctant to leave which is to be expected.

I am hoping SS will be able to give her some more information and another gentle nudge.

Fingers crossed she has a helpfull and sympathetic worker.

NicknameTaken · 22/09/2010 13:43

Good luck, zozos - you've taken the first step, which is to acknowledge the situation. Help is out there. Gigantaur, you're doing a good thing. Hope she has positive contacts with SS, not someone who will just scare her more.

Original poster
zozos · 22/09/2010 13:47

if things couldnt get any worse social services turned up with the police he was not in and he didnt know about the appointment they searched my hoouse for him just to make sure he wasnt there then the police have tried to make me make a statement against him for the bruises on my face, what for for him to be arrested and bailed again come back and do it again to me?
do they not understand that it is ony going to wind him up more? they are aranging a case confrence for next week to put my children on the child protection reigister i begged them not to as i as so ashamed i said wi will leave when ready but no one is listening no one understands how hard this is now i feel lke i have 2 battles to fight him and social services, i thought they would offer support all i got was i am emotionaly abusing my children and that they thought i was very depresed and i should see my gp, well if i wasnt depressed then i definatly am now. i am truly devestated feel like i should of just kept my mouth shut and not phone the police why am i the one being punished for his actions??

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 22/09/2010 13:56

You're certainly not the first person to feel that SS are making things harder. I strongly, strongly urge you to call Women's Aid. They can give real help, and your contact with them demonstrates to SS that you are trying to get your dcs out of a dangerous situation. That's what matters now.

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