domestic violence

[zozos]

Hi, im really not sure if im in the right place and after some advice from others who have been through domestic violence. I am currently having problems with my partner mainly because of his drug abuse, drinking and gambling, the arguments are daily and the abuse is getting worse.
I dont know if i love him any more or even want to be with him, i am to ashamed to talk openly with any member of my family or my health visitor about any of this yet i am to scared to leave.
I dont know where i turn i have a disabled son whom adores his dad and a 9 month old baby and dont know how i would cope on my own, the situation is dragging me down. is he likely to chance or do i accept that this is how he is from now on and i either stay for the support and help but put up with the physical abuse or leave and struggle on my own with 2 children.

zozos I am sorry but saying you will leave when you are ready isn't going to be good enough. The reason you are in this position is because you don't have the strenght to leave - he has beaten it out of you.

You must contact women's aid and let them help you before you have a battle on your hands to keep your children. Get way from him because your kids will be on that register next week- it is almost a given - unless you are out of there. Get help now before that happens.

zozos they are putting presure on you because you are the only person who can decide to take steps or not.

they are saying this to make you realise that it has got to a point where you have to take action or yes your dc are at risk.

and if he kills you (and it only takes a mis placed blow, or you moving the wrong way at the wrong time...) then where will dc be?

i had a child protection conference called - but i had already found an apartment to move to with the kids.

you saying "when i am ready" is not enough.

you protecting him is not right. you need to report him AND ask for police protection against him coming back. that they CAN do. but if you wont tell them the truth they cannot help you.

he cant come back if you dont let him - ask for police to help youw ith security if you want to stay where you are and keep him away. if he is on other side of door then you can call police.

it is hard, you ds loves him, he is the man you had children with but you have to do this -to help you, and your dc.

call womens aid they will support you.

They are punishing you because in their opinion you are willingly letting your children live thorugh this. By refusing to leave, you are standing by your partner, against your children, so you are not acting in the best interest of your children.

They cannot wait for you to be ready to leave him. Neither can your poor kids.

Please act now.

I hope and pray that Giga is talking to this lady off-board

Please let's keep the "you will have the children taken away if you don't leave now" cries to a sensitive minimum (yes, I realise I haven't always taken my own advice )

But if I have learned one thing from the DV threads on MN, it is this kind of fear of reprisals that is most likely to make a victim paralysed with fear and hoping it will all go away...thus protecting the perpetrator even further

then what happens is the perp and the victim become locked in some degree of "us against the world", thus isolating the victim further...

OP...come back to this thread if you can, if not, namechange and continue to ask for support in whatever form you can take x

AnyFucker is absolutly correct.

I too was given the same speach from SS. I was told that if they were made aware of another incident that i would be facing child protection hearings.

I wasn't ready to leave as i didn't have anywhere to go. i didn't bellieve that my case was severe enough to take to a refuge ( i can now, with hindsight see how ridiculous that was)

what their talk did was allow him to abuse me worse than before.
I was now terrified to scream or to make any sound at all whilst he was kkicking/punching/raping me.

I couldn't risk anyone contacting the police for fear of my children being removed.

Common sense, rational logical thinking, it all goes out of the window when you are living the life of an abused spouse.
All you care about is getting through the day without upsetting him.

So please, whilst all of your posts are well meaning and of course correct. they won't help.

What zozos needs is time support and understanding.

have you ever been so scared that you can almost hear your heart pounding thats me thats how i feel its easy to say just leave but when you are mentally trapped its a diffrent story, its like a invisible hold on me he only has to look at me to make me feel nervous.
i have opened a whole new can of worms with social services and they frighten me more than he does............

verity, you can constructively give advice

I have thankfully never been in a situation like this, but you have, so your insight carries more weight, IMO

I understand how upsetting it must be though, to see someone making the same mistakes and repeating the same patterns...

This is just so heartbreaking.

Gigantaur - you are a truly lovely lady for helping.

Zozos - you will get all the help and support you need once you decide you will make the step to start your new safe life with your children but no one else can make the decision for you.

glad you are still around, zozos, but so sorry you are feeling so wretched

have you thought of ringing Women's aid ? 0808 2000 247 ?

is he in just now ? Perhaps you could seize a moment. I have it on authority that their number does not show up on a phone bill x

zozos you have said you will leave when you are ready. This means you have taken 3 important steps

1. confronted the fact that he is hitting you - not making excuses for it
2. told people about it
3. realised that you will have to leave

ask yourself what it will take for you to be ready to make the next step - is it time? a concrete plan? worse injury to yourslf/children? I don't want to upset you further but if you can try to work out what you are waiting for it may make it easier to make and act on the decision to go.

I second the womens aid idea- phone, email, whatever you can to get advice.

Social sevices are trying shock tactics to make you take yourself out of a dangerous situation. Please do not let the threat of a case conference stop you reporting the injuries, that will make nothing better.

Wishing you luck and resolution. You can change your life but the next step will be extremely scary. Please believe me you will feel better on the other side. You will be a person not living under the daily threat of violence. I would think that at the moment you cannot imagine what it feels like but believe me it will feel great. To use a cliche - tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. It can be a safe life.

zozos....people I know have been together for nearly 40 years, she still gets hit, bitten, strangled...

zozo's so sorry you are in this situation. the only advice i can give is to think of your children and do what they need you to do.
SS really do want to protect your children, they don't want to take them off you unecessarily. they are there to help you.

"have you ever been so scared that you can almost hear your heart pounding"

Certainly. Mostly when my mother was being beaten to within an inch of her life by my violent stepfather. The fear you feel is being felt tenfold by your children. SS were absolutely right that your children being exposed to domestic violence are being emotionally abused.

I say this not to guilt trip, but spur you on to understanding the gravity of this, zozo. I don't think SS should be threatening you, I think they need to be supporting you to leave. But they do have a responsibility to protect your kids when you wont, that's why they said what they said. Harsh, but true .

I hope you find the strength to walk out and free yourself from this bastard, you and your kids deserve better.

Social services only frighten you more as it is the fear of the unknown. You know what he is going to do even if the fear is in the not knowing when.

What a sad/sick individual he is to take over your life and frighten you, I bet he wouldn't do it to a woman he works with, where he could be seen and exposed. All you need to do is expose him. When my husband attacked me the police took a great deal of interest and I gave a statement and signed the paperwork that I would back up if the police prosecuted him. As it was the first time they cautioned him and said it would stay on record.

The sooner you deal with it the quicker you will be away from it.

The people from SS are not going to beat you up - he is

I was beaten daily. I was abused in every single way possible each and every single day, often more than once.
I had social services warn me that my children would be put on the at risk register if the police were called again, i simply made sure they were never called. the beating didn't stop, the help did.

There is no one incident that it will take to make her leave. there is no decision that you can take. yuo can't plan. you can't just think "ok i will leave the next time he does XYZ" it just doesn't work like that.

I left on a night where he came home drunk and although he was verbally abusive he hadn't actually hit me yet. he fell asleep and i ran.
with literally only what we stood up in. i took my 4 year old autistic son and 10 week old daughter.
i had nowhere to go and no idea what i would do.

I ended up breaking into my dead grandads empty old house and spending the night there, in the pitch balck and cold.

It wasn't till the next afternoon i finally bit the bullet and called my parents to admit what had happened.
It was then they called refuge and i was kept safe.

People have asked me what happened that night to make me leave, rather than all teh other days when i had suffered far greater than i did then.
The honest answer is that i don't know. I feel guilty for knowing i put my son through 4 years of what he saw and heard and yet i managed to leave with DD only a baby.

I don;t know why i couldn't do it for him earlier.
I was a social worker so i knew full well what it was doing to him. But i just couldn't leave.

Until something somewhere in me snapped. It wasn't a conscious decision, it just happened. almost on auto pilot.

So please people. she knows she needs to leave but sometimes you become almost paralysed by fear.
Lets not make it difficult for her to return fo fear of being shouted at here as well as home.
I and she knows you are only trying to help but it will just make it worse.

zozos you ahve the idea in your head to leave and that is a good step.

womens aid will be non judgemental, and supportive if you can, please make that call.

husband take the phones and pushchair to work with him. she has no way of phoning anyone or getting out of the house to call someone.

This thread really is heartbreaking.

Most women (in fact hardly any) leave the first time their partner hits them which in turn makes the situation worse as the violence normally escalates to which point the woman is too scared to leave for fear of reprisals.

My plan was to leave while he was asleep but just couldnt do it as I knew if he had woken up and caught me he probably would have killed me.

zozos - you have acknowledged you need to leave both for yourself and your children which is a huge step forward so you are doing well.

Does your local police station have a specialised DV unit? If you are scared of him catching you leaving, they can arrange to be their while you pack your belongings and take you somewhere safe.

Please speak to WA. Even if you are not ready to leave, they will offer you advice and will not put any pressure on you to do anything you dont want to but can let you know what options are available to you.

Another practical note - you are worried how your dh will react if he is charged and bailed.

The police can arrange for him to be bailed to another address on the condition that he doesnt come anywhere near you, the dc's or the house.

ok - but he goes out to work. so possibility there to get out of the house? or does she not have keys? (does it matter)

is there a womens aid office or polcie station in nearby locality?
that she could walk to?

Your advice is all absolutely correct and very helpfull.
I have tried putting these suggestions to Zozos but she is still far to scared to contemplate leaving just now.

that may seem silly to some but from someone that has been there it is totally understandable.

I have given her a few idea's of ways she can get help without having to leave the house.

Lets give her some space to figure out what she wants

I have nothing useful to add, but just wanted to add my support for zozos.

What a heartbreaking thread. Takes the phones and pushcjairs. What an unimaginable bastard.

God almighty.

Gigantaur - you are a bloody hero.