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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

domestic violence

219 replies

zozos · 21/09/2010 20:19

Hi, im really not sure if im in the right place and after some advice from others who have been through domestic violence. I am currently having problems with my partner mainly because of his drug abuse, drinking and gambling, the arguments are daily and the abuse is getting worse.
I dont know if i love him any more or even want to be with him, i am to ashamed to talk openly with any member of my family or my health visitor about any of this yet i am to scared to leave.
I dont know where i turn i have a disabled son whom adores his dad and a 9 month old baby and dont know how i would cope on my own, the situation is dragging me down. is he likely to chance or do i accept that this is how he is from now on and i either stay for the support and help but put up with the physical abuse or leave and struggle on my own with 2 children.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 23/09/2010 13:36

gig, so glad you are there for her. ZOZOs you have good support here no matter how long you need to build up the strength to leave. please keep posting if possible.

pinkbasket · 23/09/2010 13:45

It is frustrating for us because we want to help but how desperately scared zozos must be Sad. I was hit by 2 men and left almost immediately but I didn't have children with them and could sort somewhere to leave relatively easily. I still can't believe I did it as I am pretty rubbish at everything else. It felt great once I had done it, that is what you have to focus on, zozos. How free and light you will feel. The men were left feeling Shock that I dare leave.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 23/09/2010 13:56

Sending you a wee prayer,this helped me thru a lot this year ,dont know if you have a faith or not Z[i think it still works if you miss out the God in the first line] but i think this just helped to give me hope and strength when i needed it most ,so sending it to you with peace ,love and hugs x

God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change ,
The courage to change the things i can ,
And the wisdom to know the difference x

nbyet · 23/09/2010 14:14

Poor zozos...I would suggest emailing Women's Aid but I don't know how it works? Could you ask them to send the police round to your house to pick you up, or could they call one of your relatives for you? It's horrid to think of you being trapped there...

What about one of the mods on here?

QuintessentialShadows · 23/09/2010 14:16

zozo, have you posted before?
Does he also lock you in, when he leaves?
Where are your children during the day?

Rosedee · 23/09/2010 16:26

Zozos big hugs for you. I don't know where you are but if it's Bristol I will happily help you with anything should you need it. I know you must be scared but keep us updated and we will give you support with any decisions you make and help if we can. Gigantaur youbrave brave lady. I can't even describe how glad i amyou got away and are now living the life you are supposed to.

Original poster
zozos · 23/09/2010 22:54

have not had chance to read all your messages but have read a few, am ok and still at home. just wanted to let you know i was ok and i dont have the strength to leave just yet.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 23/09/2010 23:10

Thank you so much for the update - I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been thinking of you today.

As I said in my previous post, I have been there and can totally understand how you are feeling when you say you "dont have the strength to leave just yet".

If you need any more practical advice or just to chat while you gather your thoughts please post, there are lots of us here who are willing to lend an ear.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2010 23:13

zo...there are lots of people here who are happy to just talk, and listen

Rosedee · 24/09/2010 15:09

Same as sb and anyfucker, here to listen and help if I can. Hugs for you and your dc

TottWriter · 24/09/2010 19:46

Just wanted to say, no one here is judging you right now zozos. I can't offer much support myself, but having been around mumsnet for a whiel now, I can promise that everyone will still be here for you whenever you need us - be it now or in the future, wherever you are.

We'll be here to celebrate with you when you get out of there, and to hold your hand through the first few weeks - at the least in a digital sense. I'm sure some of the women on here will be able to do more than that.

For now though, we're thinking of you.

Original poster
zozos · 24/09/2010 22:40

am sad feeling low dont want to write whats happened, i hate drugs and bastards that sell them, and i fucking hate men so much right now.

OP posts:
Patienceobtainsallthings · 24/09/2010 22:46

Sending you peace and inner strength and respecting ur privacy Z x

sb6699 · 25/09/2010 19:10

Sorry I missed your post last night. Are you and your dc's safe?

AnyFucker · 27/09/2010 14:32

just seen this very short update from zozos

are you ok ?

Original poster
zozos · 29/09/2010 15:42

Hi, just wanted to let you know that after a helish weekend me and the kids left sunday evening and are now in a refuge. its really hard and i am in 2 minds as to go back or not but have been told i will lose my kids if i do go back, the kids never got put on child protection register so that is a big releif. so we are safe and well although i and very down and the kids are crying for their dad im sure i will get throught it.

Just wanted to say thanks to every one i will try and pop back on later am in a hurry xxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 29/09/2010 15:48

Oh what a relief to hear from you. I've been following this thread and have been so worried. Keep strong. If you're offered help by the refuge to get through this, take it with both hands. You're being really brave. The kids will cry for their Dad, it's all so bewildering for them - but things will settle down for you all. Stay strong.

msboogie · 29/09/2010 15:49

Thanks for the update zozos - it is very considerate of you considering all you have going on. I am so so glad to hear that you left and sorry that there was more trouble.

Why on earth would you go back? what for? more of the same?

please don't do that to your children.

please come back and talk to us when you can.

purplehatpipeandboots · 29/09/2010 16:00

zozos - please, please do not go back.

There is a gorgeous future waiting for you and your children, you've just got to keep moving towards it.

Going back and increasing the risk to your kids really isn't an option.

You're doing brilliantly.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2010 16:02

hi zozos, I am very relieved to hear you are safe

please don't consider going back to him...I am sure your head is all over the place, but that would be a monumentally bad decision after you have come so far

I think you are brave and strong, but you must remain so

cestlavielife · 29/09/2010 16:04

very well done zoos. ask refuge people for help in setting up contact centre contact for teh childrne so they can see him in a safe environment. it may take a while to set up but it is the best way, really.

my dc didnt see their dad for a while til we could get contact cente set up - but they were ok.

they will be confused but speak to centre sstaff about what the dc want and how toa rrange it safely for them and yo.

well done well done.

buttonmoon78 · 29/09/2010 16:24

Please don't go back. You must be in a terrible place right now but the only thing that can happen now is that it will get better, even if it is slowly.

You have shown everyone (especially yourself) how strong you are.

Take time to stand back and get used to yourself again.

You have done a difficult, wonderful thing. In a while you will appreciate that and when they are older your kids will thank you for it too.

Don't forget how many of us are here rooting for you. And that if you need more practical help, MN is nationwide - there'd always be someone who can help.

strawberry17 · 29/09/2010 18:07

Been following this thread and I've been rooting for you as well, so glad you left, please please don't go back, the only way now is up!

TimeForMe · 29/09/2010 19:05

Zozos I am the poster who started the thread linked to earlier. I have been lurking on your thread and am so pleased to read that you have left and are now in Refuge.

I can understand your thinking, that it might be better to go back. I can imagine that you feel scared and anxious and really do feel you need the familiarity of 'home'. I think this is a natural way to feel, the refuge I lived in was wonderful and the support was amazing but I still woke every morning with the feeling I didn't belong and thought going back would make me feel better.

Today, I live with my DD in a lovely little house that I have decorated and furnished myself. I am safe and I am happy and I live my life in peace and I am so very glad that I stuck it out, that I didn't allow fear of the unknown to force me back to a life of abuse. I embraced all the support the Refuge had to offer, including counselling and doing that helped me to remain focussed. Don't be afraid to approach the support workers and talk about how you are feeling, the more you talk the more supported you feel will, the more confidence in yourself you will gain and the less likely you are to go back. Do as I did and embrace everything they have to offer you, see this as a time when you can invest in yourself and turn your life around. I promise you, you won't regret it Smile

You will get through this, I promise you.

Rosedee · 29/09/2010 19:15

Well done you brave lady. Hugemungous hugs for you in your new life free from your ex.