domestic violence

[zozos]

Hi, im really not sure if im in the right place and after some advice from others who have been through domestic violence. I am currently having problems with my partner mainly because of his drug abuse, drinking and gambling, the arguments are daily and the abuse is getting worse.
I dont know if i love him any more or even want to be with him, i am to ashamed to talk openly with any member of my family or my health visitor about any of this yet i am to scared to leave.
I dont know where i turn i have a disabled son whom adores his dad and a 9 month old baby and dont know how i would cope on my own, the situation is dragging me down. is he likely to chance or do i accept that this is how he is from now on and i either stay for the support and help but put up with the physical abuse or leave and struggle on my own with 2 children.

In six months time, you are going to be so happy to be free.

try to make some friends in the refuge.

You have so totally done the right thing.

I'm in Leicestershire, BTW, You can IM me if you are nearby.

Hi zoz can i just add that i went thru the wanting to go back or not split up bit loads.I read this thing that said they have control over you because although they hurt you the most [heartbreak and physically] ,they also make you feel the safest and best that you ever feel.OK BIG WARNING THIS IS BIGTIME ABUSE OF YOUR LOVE!!!!!IT IS FAKE AND A SHORT TERM FIX A BIG FECKING CON TO KEEP YOU HOOKED .I will never judge another woman Lord knows i was bloody hooked for years but it was all rotten inside zoz .My X is truly showing his true self now and acting like the selfish no responsibilities ego trip that he is ,drink and drugs involved here too.The kids will survive,you have chosen now a more positive start for them ,that is what kept me going at the start ,you will FLY along now you are seperated ,space away from my X restored peace and sanity into my life ,i still miss the guy i thought he was ,the charmer ,the lover etc,but the rancid selfish arse that would put his kids at risk for his own pleasure ,he can fuck off ,i had a lucky escape and now i am free of the prick!Sending you peace ,love and serenity x

I have been following your thread. I am so glad you are safe. Stay strong for your DC. Sending you lots of love - your future is so bright now.

Really, really glad you are somewhere safe for now. Please stick it out, it'll be a bit tough to start with, but give it time and you'll see how much better you are without him. The kids may not understand now, but when they're older you can tell them the whole truth. As a child who grew up with domestic violence I can only say that I wish my mum were as brave as you zozo. I have a chronic anxiety disorder from growing up around domestic violence, as do all my brothers, and your kids wont. That's a wonderful thing, you are a good mama for freeing them from that.

Just to say I've been following since the beginning, and am just so relieved you and children are now safe. Tomorrow's a new day, and a new life for you all, just be brave a while longer x

Hi, thanks for all your messages. i am finding it really tough here there are kids running about the corridors til all hours and mine wont settle i have not spoke to any of the other people here have just been shut up in my room as i dont know how to really talk to people ive been used for so long just me and the kids and my partner are rarely used to see people so wouldnt know where to start? i dont even know what to do with my self what to wear or what to do with the days? im just sitting in this room with the kids and i have no one telling me what i should be doing i was used to being told wht to do.
im wondering how he is has he eaten is he looking for us i feel partly to blame for what happened the other day as he asked me to make sure his jeans and shirt were washed dried for when he got back from work i washed them but forgot to turn the tumble dryer on as the kids were ill most of the day and when he come home he just went mental as he wanted to go out so he had to wait for it to dry before he could, he then started hitting me and stuff and i then apologised for forgetting his shirt and he got changed and went out. he some how dropped the car keys and that was it i grabbed some bitd for the kids and left.
and now i sit here wonder how to function?

But you are safe.
Your children are safe. I am so relieved to see your update. Stay strong. You ARE strong.

zoz...get through tonight and then have a talk with a worker at the refuge in the morning

or ring Women's Aid for a chat

Listen love, you are like a person who has been released from prison or some awful hostage scenario. Of course you don't knwo what to do with yourself. Of course you feel weird and scared and numb and alone and just hanging there not knowing what to do and even bizarrely longing for security of the only reality you knew. That is normal.

The thing is, a lot of the other women in that place will have felt the same when they arrived. Maybe they are just leaving you to have some space for a while but many of them will understood exactly what you are going through - they are bound to. You might not have much in common with them, but you do have that.

This is just a stage, a post traumatic hanging in the air stage. Soon things will get better. You won't be in that refuge for ever, in a few days you will adjust to this new reality and things will settle a bit.

You have done the right thing, for you and your children. They were being horribly abused by living in a house with that thug. They were being irreparably damaged. If you go back they will one day hate you for it.

Please hold on. Be strong. This is the right thing. Do not go back to hell. Don't take your children back to hell.

Is there anyone there that you can talk to Zoz and let them know how you are feeling ,it really is baby steps just now and half a day at a time.I lost my trust in everyone for a long long time,found it almost impossible to share and MN helped me a lot to know i wasnt alone .Best advice i think i got was when people told me to start putting myself first,that was a complete shock to me .I dont think i had ever thought that b4 ,just didnt think i deserved to think about my happiness at all,but step by step i am getting to a better place now .I say trust your instincts take your time but try and give yourself a big hug everyday and tell yourself you are doing a brave and positive thing .What he did to you is NOT your fault !

Zo, I have never been in your shoes, but just wanted to post in case you're on here and want 'company'.

You have done an amazing thing for your children. An amazing thing. I am full of admiration for you.

Despite the TERROR you felt you got out of there and are in a safe place.

Your fear was so palpable that I could literally feel it coming off the screen. I felt it in my bones.

The abuse you've suffered is utterly shocking.

Stay strong, please please just hang in there.

xxx

tomorrow will be better

not much better

but better

and every day you stay away from your abuser will be a day nearer to a safer life for your children

one day at a time x

Sorry to hear you're finding things difficult but am so glad to hear you've got away. Just try and take one day at a time for the moment - please don't make any rash decisions about going back.

I think you're amazing and you will get through this. Are there any women who work in the refuge who you can talk to?

It must be a culture shock, I can see how you must be feeling really strange. Are there support workers? If so, try telling them how you feel, maybe they can introduce you to others? How about the social workers assigned to you, you could tell them how you feel and ask for suggestions and support. I think reaching out to others in the refuge is the best thing you can do right now. The people you are around will have shared experience with you, they will understand a lot of where you are coming from. I know you've been terribly brave and it can be a strain to keep it up, but reach out to others who seem nice if you can summon the strength. And you don't have to talk about the heavy stuff, just chit chat about the kids and the weather is fine and will be welcomed too I expect. Openers like "How old is he/she?", "Grotty/lovely weather isn't it?" are a good neutral way to begin.

Try and be patient with the other kids, they've all been through a lot and will likely have some behavioural issues from the abuse they suffered. Not fun to be around, I know, but it's not forever. Grit your teeth and smile graciously around the little beggars

If you're at a loose end, perhaps take the kids out for a walk during the day? A visit to the local library, get yourself and the kids some books to read? Coffee shop for a nice treat? A visit to the park? Local toddler group? Museums? If you check out mumsnet local for your area there will be lots of suggestions for things to do with the kids to fill your days. In libraries there'll likely be a free magazine for families with listings of stuff to do in your area.

Have you contacted any friends or family to tell them what's happened, or is that still a bit unsafe right now?

Also, we're always here for support if you need it, keep posting if you want, OK?

I think at the moment it's best if you try and focus on yourself and the kids. It must be second nature to always be thinking about him before anyone else, but he's not your responsibility, he is a grown up and if he can't cope without you then it's about time he learned.

Also suggest you visit your GP and tell him/her what's happening. They might be able to refer you for counselling to cope with all of this, or drugs if you want them. You're doubtless in shock right now, so just cut yourself a break for a bit, take it easy and try to care for yourself for once.

oh, really excellent post, diz

i only came across this thread at the back end of the week, before your update zozos, and when so many had been so forthcoming for you, i didn't feel right about coming in on the tale end like that, but I did read the entire thread, and I utterly applaud you for having made the break for freedom.

Sure things will be tough at times, but they will get better, each day will bring you closer to a day where you and the dc have a place of your own, that is safe and secure.

If you had stayed where you were, each day would have brought you closer only to harm, hurt and damage.

It will be hard to get thorough, but you will get through it, you have to get through it. Come back as often as you need to, there are so many wonderful people here with experience of what you are facing, and others with only empathy and concern, if we can help, please let us do so.

Well done zozos, you did a great thing, you have saved some very important lives!

I've been thinking of you zozos, and just wanted to say that I am so glad you and your children are safe now. I'm so sorry that you've been through what you have - no one should have to experience that. NO ONE.

No, it probably doesn't feel like you're safe yet, but it will, with time. And never forget that there are people here who have been where you are now; don't be afraid to ask their advice.

If you're able to, why not take your DC for a walk, even just around the block in the fresh air. And if you aren't used to thinking of yourself and making yourself happy, then your DC are a good focus to have. When they are asleep, start doing things that YOU enjoy doing. Read a book, watch tv, browse the net, or any other hobby that you really enjoy. I'm sure it will take time to rebuild your life around you and your children, but don't feel that you have to wait for approval. The only person you need to please now is yourself.

nothing about your ex's behavior was your fault. No, not even if you didn't dry his clothes, not even if you 'answered him back', not even if you weren't in the place he expected you to be in.

Nothing.

So glad to read your update zozos.

I know the first little while is hard - everything is strange and it takes a bit of getting used to but please dont go back - every day will get a little bit easier, I promise.

The refuge staff will be able to help you or put you in touch with a solicitor who can deal with maintenance/contact issues.

You are a very, very brave lady. Your dc's are lucky to have you.

I'm sorry i missed this last night.
Was parents evening where i was told that my son is doing amazingly well and that he is nothing like the aggressive and abusive, very troubled child that he was a few years ago when we left his dad.
You see how dramatic a life without abuse can be.

I am really pleased you managed to get online and let us know you are safe.

Have you managed to tell your family where you are and what has happened yet?

I have to do the school run but will be back in a bit.
In the meantime you have my phone number. I am happy to come and meet you somewhere with any essentials you need, or better still just a coffee.

Take care, stay strong. We are all very very proud of what you have done. you should be too. Well done.

You are an amazing lady and a fabulous mum for what you have done for yourself and your children. I know you don't feel amazing and fabulous right now. But believe me you are.

We are all sending you much compassion - but even more important than that you need to be compassionate with yourself.

Please remind yourself:

I have survived a violent prison, I didn't deserve any of that, it was not my fault, I am hurt and sad, but I have got away, I have taken the power back, I am loved by my children, my friends, my family and the admiring ladies on MN. This will get better.

Sending you love and strength.

you are in shock and is not surprising...

but the people there can help you, speak to a worker.

small steps one day at a time focus on getting thru, the enxt meal, a walk to the park or play in the garden if there is one.

you have done the right thing, you are on the longroad to a new and better life free from control and abuse.

A very big well done to you zozos for getting away! You have done an amazing thing, and it was totally the right thing to do. I know it's a confusing time and I understand why part of you is wondering whether to go back, but PLEASE DON'T! You have done an extremely brave thing.

If you need to chat just pop on here, and if you are having a wobble and wondering whether you had done the right thing, we will all reassure you that you have!

Hope you got some sleep last night zoz ,sending you love and hugs for today x