domestic violence

[zozos]

Hi, im really not sure if im in the right place and after some advice from others who have been through domestic violence. I am currently having problems with my partner mainly because of his drug abuse, drinking and gambling, the arguments are daily and the abuse is getting worse.
I dont know if i love him any more or even want to be with him, i am to ashamed to talk openly with any member of my family or my health visitor about any of this yet i am to scared to leave.
I dont know where i turn i have a disabled son whom adores his dad and a 9 month old baby and dont know how i would cope on my own, the situation is dragging me down. is he likely to chance or do i accept that this is how he is from now on and i either stay for the support and help but put up with the physical abuse or leave and struggle on my own with 2 children.

You are going to be fine ,this is the toughest bit ,so glad to hear from you ,keep postin here,is the tea any good where you are ?i lived on tea and irn bru at the start hope ur babes are well and ur getting some rest ,its grim in places but ur a star ZOZ!!!

Oh Zo, OF COURSE you will get through this.

OF COURSE YOU WILL. You have managed what? a week? You have already done some amazing stuff to give yourself a new chance.

I can imagine that a refuge is not your dream home but please just take it one day at a time. This will not be forever.

You will get through it. Each day you are away, you get closer to being through it. When I was going through something similar, I found it easier to concentrate on the smaller things like taking DC out for a walk or spending time just playing. This helped take my mind of the bigger picture for a while(children are really good at forcing you to stay in the present) and at the end of each day, I had a little something to congratulate myself for.

Don't look at the end result, try to concentrate on just putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one step at a time (please excuse the cliches). It is a plodding existence for a time, but soon you will look back and see just how much distance you've covered.

You will get through this. Are you talking to the support workers? They're there to help you. Are you close to home? How about asking to move to another refuge? Womens Aid have a network around the country - you could maybe find somewhere better for you and the kids?

But you will get through it - honestly.

How you doing now Zo? Can you get yourself a cup of tea? You dont have tio stay in the room. Talk to us... well done brave girl.

keep talking, Zo, keep posting,

we are all watching for your posts, and thinking of you. This is a tough time but it will get better. Please talk to someone at the refuge...don't stay shut in your room.
Take babysteps, one step at a time you will do it.

We are all behind you, today and everyday.

Zozos - please speak to one of the workers first thing tomorrow. let them know about what you are experiencing.

Have you managed to speak to your family yet? Are you getting any support from them?

Have the refuge staff helped you complete housingf forms and put you in touch with housing associations?

this is the hardest bit Zozos. but you have already taken the biggest step.
stay strong

Are you posting from a phone or laptop or pc there? How are you getting through on MN? I am going to be up for an hour or so or more and will hold your hand if it helps at all. Will stay up all night if needs be. Not working tomorrow.

Are the dc asleep? If they're not don't worry. This is the toughest time. You are going to come through it though. You have to be strong. Being afraid and upset is fine though!

You have done so well. Have you talked to anyone there yet for support? xx

There are people on here to help and give you virtual cuppas and big biscuits/vodka xx.

And the kids will be better off - I promise. They might be crying for him now, but they're crying for familiarity, not for what they need. You can give them what they need - a loving, stable home. There's so much help out there - take it. Talk to the support workers, talk to Womens Aid outtreach. And talk to us here. I have to go to bed now, but there will be people around - again, it's a promise

I am still here Zozo.

I lost my son for three days to a Police Child Protection Order. I had 4 months of being involved with SS with my son on a child protection register.

But all they wanted to do really was help. Once they were involved, it became official. I wasn't battling the shit from my exH on my own anymore. They believed in me and they could see i loved my son.

But yes, it was utterly terrifying and I felt like running away and I couldn't believe life had come to that.

It is very very frightening when officialdom gets involved. I felt all the time my ds would be removed from me. I almost didn't know how to behave 'normally' with him. But I loved and love him passionately.

He wasn't taken from me of course. SS put a whole package of support in place for me. They were marvellous.

You are a roaring lion now. Dont give up. Just let out your fears and anger on here.

You have done the best thing for yourself and your children. You will look back and realise what a fantastic mother you have been, how your maternal instincts kicked in and you will be proud. It will take time. It will take official intervention, but please please lean on the intervention.

Take the help they give. ask them for advice. Reach out. Hug your children. Get back in touch with any family or friends you can.

Gigantaur, is she ok?

This is not forever zozos. Things will get better. This is the hard bit. You can get through this. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you've been through much worse. This is freaking you out because this is so new, people can get used to and comfortable with anything as long as it's consistent. You were consistently abused by your H, it was predictable and routine so it felt almost normal. This isn't as bad, but it feels worse because it's so new and unpredictable. But it's not forever, things will get better. It will take time. You can do this. You're a LOT stronger than you think you are. I know this because you've already survived real horror, that takes a lot of strength and bravery.

Did you try any of the things I suggested? Have you called friends or family? Have you spoken to social workers or support workers? Your GP? Have you taken yourself and the kids out to the park? To see a film? Playgroups?

Please, please, please reach out to people outside of the internet. We're here for you, of course, but can only do so much. The minute you reach out to people and build a support network, the easier this will become. I'm sure you must be afraid to do so, you may feel suspicious of people, but I just know there's a whole host of people and agencies who will support you through this. You're not alone.

Echoing diziet . Hope your managing to snatch some sleep Zo.

hi i fell asleep last night have been up since 4 just couldnt get back to sleep i have a support worker here who i have tried talking to but i just cant open up. i have been told that we have to be in here for at least 6 months before we are eligible for housing that is a scary thought my son is missing all his important appointments and it is going to take a long time to get him back in to the system. feel like i am worse of now than i was before its not just my life thats been turned upside down its the kids and its really hard with my little boy due to his problems. i have had no contact from my family they never bothered any way so dont expect them to now. am really angry with myself for being in this situation i feel bad for my son this is not how i planned my life.

Hi zozos, sorry to hear you're finding it difficult at the moment. But it's not your fault you're in this situation and you're incredibly strong and brave to have coped with what you have and for making the decision to get you and your DCs out of it.

I know this isn't how you planned your life but now you are out of that horrible situation you can start planning your life. Even if it takes 6 months you will be free and you have a happy future to look forward to.

Zozos Why don't you show your support worker this thread? In a situation like this, you're literally struck dumb - that's why you can't open up. When your emotions start to settle down a bit, then you'll be able to start.

Are you able to tell your support worker about your son's appointments? Maybe she can kick some butt and keep things ticking over while you all recover for a bit.

As everyone else on this thread has said - You are being SO brave. Take all the help and support you can get.

As for being angry at being in the situation, use that anger to start planning your life with your DC. Use that anger to give you the energy to fight for you and your DC.

You did not bring this situation on yourself - it was put upon you. There is a vast difference.

Stay strong x

Only just seen this thread.

Just wanted to let you know that although 6 months seems like a long time to be in a refuge, it will go before you know if you can keep yourself busy.
My sister was in a different situation to you but living in a hostel for 6 months gave her a massive amount of points towards her housing application, meaning she was accepted for the first place she applied for.
I am wondering whether the council where you are works in the same way.

To me it sounds like you are probably quite agoraphobic and understandably so if you have not been allowed to come and go as you please for so long.
Do you think you could go to a doctor to have a chat about this, or ask your support worker to arrange for one to visit for you?

I obviously don't know what has happened between yourself and your family but surely there would be someone who would want to to know that you were in a refuge and want to help you, regardless of the past.
Do you have a relative in mind who you would like to contact?

You can and will get through this. Please keep talking :)

Hi thanks i have doctors at 12 and my support worker is taking me just cant stop crying.

Well done! You are very brave - keep on keeping on x

zozos in a way that's good. It means that you're letting go of some of that pent up stress, anxiety and emotion. Let your support worker help you as much as she can. Don't forget to tell the doctor everything. I mean everything about what's gone on before, etc. etc. etc.

Keep talking, you WILL get through this. x

Zo, you have done incredibly well to get to this point; and as the other Mners have said, this is the toughest bit. However, it will get better with time. Hang on in there. We are all here for you and rooting for you. Best wishes

Really pleased you made it to the GP's zozos. Hope they were helpful.

"feel like i am worse of now than i was before its not just my life thats been turned upside down its the kids and its really hard with my little boy due to his problems."

No zozos, your son may well have been used to the violence but that doesn't mean witnessing it didn't harm him far worse than the upheaval of this will.

I saw and heard my mother being beaten and verbally abused, it is an appallingly difficult thing for a child to understand and cope with. I'm sure my mum thought I didn't see much of it either, or that I wasn't that affected by it, but I have an anxiety disorder that I trace directly back to growing up with domestic violence. Because I was scared for my mum all the time, you see? I was anxiously awaiting the next explosion, tiptoeing around my stepfather so I wouldn't set him off, watching my baby brother whilst they were arguing because I was afraid that if he were around them in an argument they'd accidentally hurt him and besides I wanted to protect him from seeing and hearing what they did.

I have astonishing acute hearing from straining to hear if an argument was happening all my childhood. I remember my mother being called a whore, halfwit. I remember her being strangled unconscious, and much, much more. Domestic violence is FAR more harmful than 6 months in a refuge, because it will end.

Try showing the support worker this thread, or writing her a letter perhaps? She can't help if you don't tell her what you need, you know? Same goes for the GP. If you have trouble talking to them about what you need, make a new appointment and just hand them a letter explaining everything.

Are you sure there's no-one in your family who cares for you and wants to help? Maybe not your parents or siblings, but cousins? Aunts? Grandparents? Abusers like to isolate their victims, so please try and ignore anything your H told you about your family. Same goes for your friends you've lost contact with, he may have put you off them but it's a tactic to abuse you, not the truth. Try everyone, you don't need to tell them what's happening if you don't want to, but you could just meet up for a coffee and reconnect. Rebuild a more normal way of living which involves having community of friends and family.

I have only just read this thread, you are doing so so well zoz. Please try and stick at it and please don't go back to you X. Things will eventually settle down and you will realise that what you did was the right thing and how you ever put up with all the crap. I must admit I did get quite emotional reading how abusive he used to be to you as it reminded me of my X and the things he used to do. Thankfully it has now been nearly 8yrs since I got free

Another who has followed this thread from the beginning, tearfully. You are so so brave honey, you can't see it at the moment but the hardest thing EVER is leaving, when you have no self-belief, energy, confidence or anything else to work with, just think what you'll achieve when you start to feel a bit better. Keep writing on here, say anything you want, no-one will judge. Wish I could give you and your little ones a hug xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi ya, i saw the doctor he has prescribed citalopram and diaezapam and i have to go back next week for some more, he is refering me for councelling but said the waiting list is long. the tablets are going to take a few weeks to kick in so he said im probably going to feel like this for a few weeks yet great!
i have the health visitor coming tomorrow so i will explain my situation to her and see what she can do for my little boy.
ANy way after a shit start to the day im feeling a little better ive got over one hurdle by talking to the doctor so i have made one positive step. i am going to see a solicitor on friday about getting him out the house so me and the kids can return but not really sure if this will work??
well thanks for being there and listening and replying its nice to know there is some one there and im not all alone. xxxxxxx

you are not alone

and yes, you have made a massive positive step today

well done to you xx