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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

domestic violence

219 replies

zozos · 21/09/2010 20:19

Hi, im really not sure if im in the right place and after some advice from others who have been through domestic violence. I am currently having problems with my partner mainly because of his drug abuse, drinking and gambling, the arguments are daily and the abuse is getting worse.
I dont know if i love him any more or even want to be with him, i am to ashamed to talk openly with any member of my family or my health visitor about any of this yet i am to scared to leave.
I dont know where i turn i have a disabled son whom adores his dad and a 9 month old baby and dont know how i would cope on my own, the situation is dragging me down. is he likely to chance or do i accept that this is how he is from now on and i either stay for the support and help but put up with the physical abuse or leave and struggle on my own with 2 children.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 30/09/2010 16:36

How are you feeling today, zozos?

Rosedee · 30/09/2010 22:07

Hi zozos just wanted to send you some love and support. I hope you can talk to someone as they will be able to help you start sorting thru your head, in the meantime we are always here for a chat. Take care.

Original poster
zozos · 30/09/2010 23:09

thanks, im falling to peices at the mo just cant stop crying i feel so bad ive let my kids down every way possible, no wonder he use tohit my i deserved it im just uselees abd a let downespecially to the kids.

OP posts:
sb6699 · 30/09/2010 23:16

You havent let anyone down. You got yourself and your dc's out of the situation - that was extremely brave.

You certainly did not deserve any of his behaviour.

Have you managed to get out and about yet? Go for a coffee and big slice of cake - just to remind yourself that you can do anything you want without answering to him any more. Anything at all that you/the dc's will enjoy will make you feel a tiny bit better.

As I said before, the first little while does take a bit of getting used to but honestly it will get easier especially after you and the dc's move into your own permanent place.

Every time you wake up it will take a little bit longer to remember him/the abuse until one day you wont think of it at all.

Sending you much love - stay strong x

Gigantaur · 30/09/2010 23:18

Now listen to someone who has been there.

You will feel like this for a while. you will go frm being on top of the world to the bottom of the lowest low and back again.

You are so far from a failure it is untrue.
You have not failed your children, you have saved them. You have given them a chance of a life without abuse. you have given them an opportunity to live without fear, to learn that relationships are about love and respect no fear and violance.

You are an incredibly strong woman who has done what it takes to make sure your children are kept safe and well and with their mother.

Leaving is hard but the few weeks afterwards are probably the hardest. getting to grips with the new life you are leading and being free.

You will question whether what you have done is right. you will worry about what he is doing and thinking, you will feel confused because you have been so conditioned into thinking it is your fault. you will probably still have feelings of love for him.

Think of it as llike giving up smoking. you want to do it, you know that it is the best thing for you and your children but you still have to battle the cravings.
Having lived with him for so long you have to break the habbit of being with him.

We are here whenever you need us. You have my phone number in your inbox. I am happy to drive over with some bsicuits and a coffee

shodatin · 30/09/2010 23:23

zozos, you're a wonderful mother for getting your children out of a dangerous situation and you are so brave for doing this yourself without any RL help at present. It must be so difficult for you just now, but you will have a much better life soon, and be able to relax again in your own home.
Isn't there anyone at the shelter who can talk to you about the next step/getting help etc?

dizietsma · 01/10/2010 00:15

First off, it is completely normal to be feeling the way you are feeling in the situation you are in zozos. I expect you feel alone and really scared. Try and take things one step at a time. It's like you are learning to walk again after years in a wheelchair. You have been controlled so long it will take time to get used to not being controlled. So take baby steps, and try to ask for help from the people/agencies available when you need it.

You have not let your kids down, you have been indescribably brave and protected them from horrible emotionally scarring abuse that would have blighted their whole lives. I can tell you this from personal experience. There is not a part of my life untainted by the abuse I suffered from growing up with domestic violence. It will never leave me. Because that's what happens to kids who grow up watching their mother getting beaten. We are scarred. Thanks to your bravery, your kids will have the opportunity to grow up without the horrific memories and mental health problems my brothers and I suffer.

No one deserves to be hit by anyone. You did not deserve his abuse. You were not responsible for his violence. He is an adult and therefore 100% responsible for everything he did. He chose to hit you and abuse you. He could have made other choices. That is on him, not you.

Please reach out to others, you are not alone.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 01/10/2010 00:21

"Let nothing disturb you,nothing frighten you,patience obtains all things " x

You have done nothing wrong,ur a shining star that will raise ur dcs in a home where dv is unacceptable.That is such an amazing gift to give to ur children worth more than anything ,you are a fab mum ,i think crying is good ,it helps you to heal,i cried oceans ,so proud of you x

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 01/10/2010 00:38

God zozos you've done amazingly. You get to see your DC grow and flourish and never worry about whether their dad is going to hit them next. You are tougher than you know. I'm no expert but I've heard it said that courage is not absence of fear, it's being afraid - even terrified - and doing it anyway.

You are brave, and a great mother. And you can get help on here.

mumofthreesweeties · 01/10/2010 02:10

Zozos you are absolutely fantastic for leaving. That takes a strong woman. You have saved your life and that of your children and other women who are or were in your situation too. When I was reading through I felt so scared for you and was so pleased to read that you had left. Do not blame yourself at all, some men are just evil and twisted and you have saved your kids from years of trauma. One step at a time and things will only get better from now onwards

colditz · 01/10/2010 07:44

If he hadn't been hitting you

You would not have had to take your children out of the situation for their safety

And you wouldn't be where you are now.

It's his fault you are all in a refuge, not yours.

He had a choice and he chose to his his wife. What a disgusting specimen he must be!

colditz · 01/10/2010 07:45

And in six months time your children are going to be blossoming in a way that you never thought was possible.

Patienceobtainsallthings · 02/10/2010 12:51

Wondering how you are getting on,hope your doin ok ,rain tipping it down here today ,proper autumn weather.Sending you and the kids big hugs x

veritythebrave · 02/10/2010 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 02/10/2010 13:37

You're allowed to cry. There's nothing shameful in it. It shows you still have emotions, that you're a person who feels and cares.

arfur · 04/10/2010 11:46

Have been following this and admiring your courage Zozos. I have a dear friend who has a partner like yours, she left once last year but went back within days and is still there. I worry about her constantly but I know that until she is ready to leave I cant do much apart from be here if she needs me. Its very painful for me to know what she is going through and stand back but I know I have to be patient. What I wondered is if there are old friends or family who you have lost touch with but would probably still be more than happy to help if you reach out to them (even if you hadnt told them what was happening they may have realised anyway). Just because you havent kept in touch it doesnt mean that people will have stopped caring about you. Good friends will understand and want to help. Hope that makes sense. Good luck and lots of love xxx

NicknameTaken · 04/10/2010 11:59

Well done, zozos! I've been in a refuge myself and I remember how weird it feels. The way I looked at it was that leaving my H was the hardest thing I had ever done, and I could get my strength up to do it once, but the idea of going back and then finding I had to leave again, well, it was exhausting. And I knew deep down that any change he was promising would only be temporary.

buttonmoon78 · 04/10/2010 12:06

Zozos - you have not let your kids down. You have been beaten down (literally & metaphorically) until you had the weight of the world on your shoulders.

It is really not surprising that with all that you could not get out until now. You are now out and you are putting you and your kids first - exactly what you should be doing.

I know you feel confused and alone but truly you have done something which so many women fail to do, and you have begun a new life. A life which is worth living.

Please be kinder to yourself. No matter what he has been telling you for so long, you are a fabulous mum, a wonderful person and one day you'll be able to agree with that.

We all think you're amazing x

dizietsma · 04/10/2010 12:20

arfur makes a good point. Try and speak to friends and family, even if you haven't spoken to them for a long time. You can do this alone, but you don't need to, and I guarantee there are lots of people who'd fall over themselves to help and be there for you right now if only you let them know you'd welcome it.

Hope things are going OK for you right now, check in when you feel the need, we'd all love to know how you're doing.

shodatin · 04/10/2010 20:56

Hope you and children are feeling a bit better now, and have someone nearby to talk to.

dizietsma · 05/10/2010 17:21

Hoping things are starting to come together and you're still safe zozos.

mumonthenet · 05/10/2010 23:04

Hi Zozos,

We are all thinking of you and hoping you're ok.

Original poster
zozos · 05/10/2010 23:25

im falling to bits cant keep it together cant cope and had enough this is worse than what i expected thought it would be easier than this food is being stolen kids all fighting sat in our room 24/7 feel like i am the bad one if im not then why am i suffering now why am i stuck in this poxy room breaking down thought i would be ok i left yet why am me and the kids still suffering ????????

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 05/10/2010 23:30

omg zozos,

So sorry to hear this.

What's happening there? It sounds awful but please stay strong.

Have you managed to talk to a friend or family member you can trust? Or call WA again. There are people who can help you.

Please don't go back to your ex.....

Original poster
zozos · 05/10/2010 23:31

please some one tell me i will get through this as right now i cant see i will

OP posts:
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