found out about 2nd affair. It's all over now.

[helicopterview]

Oh my god. I can't believe this has happened, and life has unraveled so fast. From 12 years of marriage and 2 kids to nothing in 3 months.

I posted 3 months ago about a late night text alerting me to an OW. Emotional affair, didn't seem to love her, and we started therapy.

We were talking through the issues preceding, the lack of affection which had built up and all that. I was quite willing to change, and share the blame.

Went away as a family, but felt I was doing all the running, starting the conversations, buying the books to discuss. He was passive and pessimistic. Didn't feel right still. I'd have expected more input from him.

I knew there had been a specific time when my eldest dc (who's 10 now) was a newborn, when things changed. I couldn't put my finger on what went wrong.

So in therapy I had been blaming myself, had newborn, lack of attention to dh, all the usual.

One day on holiday, though, I went through his entire sent box (he'd deleted the inbox) and found a message from him to a girl saying he wasn't able to talk on the phone because I was in the room.

Confronted him, he admitted it was a 2 year affair with his p.a, when we had newborn, he thought about leaving, decided to stay but never stopped having feelings for her.

Nothing going on now, and the evidence was from years ago. But he lied, and lied, and lied. Listened to me blaming myself.

Too much betrayal.

Within days it was all over. Told parents, told kids, planned where he'll move to.

He's gone from being passive and sullen to all action. This is what he wanted all along, but was too weak to ask for.

I have been terrified of the future (I'm 42) cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, and now, 2 weeks later, am starting to feel incredibly angry.

Help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I found myself single again early last year after finding out about my ex's affair.

My situation was different as I didn't love him.

Nonetheless the shock of being betrayed hit me hard.

The best what come out of it so far was me being able to be honest with myself again and finding my own self...

I am 43, have 2 kids too.
My ex was also too weak to admit to his affair sooner...

Not sure if my comment is going to help, but trust me, one day you are going to wake up and feel this big weight being lifted off your chest. And from then on it is going to feel much better :)

No advice but really hope you're okay. There's definitely light.

Better to live in the pain of the truth, Helicopter, than the ignorance of the lies. (Bit like ripping a bandaid off - you can't really heal until the cold air of reality and truth get to things.)

Good thing you're angry - you deserve to have people in your life who love you, don't lie to you, aren't cowards, don't allow you to assume blame for THEM cheating on you - what a prize specimen this chap sounds! - and things can now only get better. I'm not saying it will be easy, or that it won't be painful, but many of us have been through it and survived, and we're all here for you, whenever you want to chat/blow off some steam/feel sorry for yourself. Hope you've got some good RL friends and supportive family too, they're invaluable.

Thanks for the support.

He can;t move out til November, still sleeping on sofa. It's like an open wound. And there's always something for me to be angry at him for.

Like today he emailed my 2 best mates, without telling me, basically saying he was sooo sorry for what he'd done, and thanking them for supporting me while I'm so sad and angry, and saying things will be better in the end. Like he's so mature emotionally. He didn't copy me in on it, I had to ask to see it.

Not for my benefit at all that. All about his public image. And to take the sting out of anything I say about him. I could scream.

That sounds horrific! I am tempted to say something like 'poison him, poison him NOW!', but there's no 'bitter joke' emoticon and some righteous fool will accuse me of fanning the flames of your anger - so what I WILL say, is keep to the moral high ground if you can - don't swear at him, don't shout at him, don't give him any grounds to justify why HE is doing this to YOU. If he wants to be seen as the man in the white hat, be as rational as you can in ALL your dealings with him, and keep the swearing and shouting to either these posts, or better yet, to your private support sessions with carefully selected RL friends/family. Don't give him the satisfaction of apparent self-justification for his pathetic behaviour.

Sorry to lecture ...

He can move out now--there is no such word as can't.
He can surely stay with family of a friend or even better rent a bedsit.
Why should you have to put up with seing him every day.
Your mental health will suffer if he stays until November

It will get better

My mum's marriage fell apart when she was 40-odd. It was the best thing that happened between her and me.

If Dad had been on the scene, we would never have developed any kind of friendship between us.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, you will be fine, you will be better than fine!

At least you have that cheater out of your life. And with that email stunt he's a tosser, a mitigating one. Kick him out, bugger November! He can go sleep on his parents sofa.

I know KiwiKat. I know you are right.

But I want to smash his face in with a heavy bottomed frying pan!

(I won't of course. In case there happens to be some bizzare coincidental news reporting of a domestic like that)

I can confess this here. Not particularly proud of it, and certainly not rising aboive it all.

I emailed the p.a. who he had the affair with when I had a newborn. I asked is she made a habit of messing with married men, or if it was just my family she interfered with. That everyone knows what's right and wrong, and has the ability to say no and stop. But she didn't.

Know what? She emailed me back, and said she thought I'd made a mistake, that she didn't know what I was talking about.

So I emailed back, the info was from my h, and the emails between them I'd seen. That was the last I heard from her.

At least I've got it out of my system now.

What a total arse he sounds. Absolutely kick him out now.

Ah, the wanting to maim the evil ex ... that's a perfectly natural thing. Such fantasies got me through many a long, lonely night. (My personal favourite involved an elaborate, painful yet sadly, unlikely diving accident.) The trick is to APPEAR rational, in control, and to retain one's dignity. But I shall keep an eye on the national newspapers to ensure your resolve doesn't slip!

Where in the country - am assuming you're in the UK - are you based, Helicopter? (Many opportunities for diving accidents there? No - stop it, STOP it! Bad Kiwi ...)

London. Not too many diving sites. But they sell lots of heavy bottomed frying pans in Peter Jones.

I shall watch the sales of heavy bottomed frying pans with interest. And nothing wrong with confronting the OW to make sure you've got your facts straight - I mean, he's not exactly a shining beacon of truth, is he? It was only by confronting the OW involved with my ex-dh that I discovered that their affair had gone on a lot longer than I had thought.

Do you feel well shot of him? Or do you still have a desire to work things out?

How old are your two dcs? How are they coping with all of this?

Doha and the others raise a very good point about booting him out if you can - does he have anywhere else to go? Family etc? Why must he stay until November?

Helicopterview - I sympathise so much. I'm currently six months post affair discovery and I know those feelings you describe only too well. We're working through things and dh is desperate to deal with the damage he's done. However, one thing I would say to you is that your H absolutely has to move out. Why on earth can't he go until November? Doesn't he have friends, relatives, his pa? If not, suggest he rents a room in a flat share. If it's definitely over and he's not working at your relationship then I think it is absolutely intolerable for him to still be in the house. I've come pretty close to mental meltdown over the past few months and I think having an unrepentant dh who had decided it was all over kipping on the sofa would have finished me off.

Don't take this the wrong way but I'm not sorry, you're far better without him!
I feel sorry for women who are happy to put up with this kind of behaviour, thinking it's acceptable. My friend's DH had an affair within six months of marriage. Now five years later they have a baby, he has had a string of affairs and each time she forgives him because 'it doesn't mean anything.'
you're obviously smart enough to realise he's not worth it, good luck for the future!

I was not unhappy in my marriage. Not perfectly happy exactly, but then all my mates complain about their husbands. But knowing what I know now, I look back and see that he did stop loving me properly, that he was angry and critical, because he felt trapped. But I am a believer in marriage, and thought we'd work it out I guess. It never once occurred to me he was having an affair. Maybe I'm naive.

So it has come as a terrible shock, especially since it was only 3 months ago I saw the first text. At that time I felt thumped, winded, like I couldn't breathe.

And I was really trying to work out how to get to something better. There's no way I wanted to break up my family.

It was only when I realised that he had been lying to be big time about the 2nd affair I discovered, looking me in the eye and lying, that I saw it was hopeless.

I can't say I feel well rid really. Because I have lost my family life, my future, my financial security, the person I'd shared 17 years with. Yes he's a lying, cheating, weak, untrustworthy idiot, but I am terrified of being alone.

Don;t worry. There's no going back. He has no desire for that anyway. he says he doesn't love me. So that's that.

One of the things, among the many, that depresses me is that we had such good times. Fantastic holidays and shared memories. The birth of the children, all the things we did together with them. It's all gone. And my 7 year old won't even remember us being a married couple. How depresing is that?

The idea of starting again, building something from scratch with someone else. It's just so daunting.

Oh yes, and I really wanted a 3rd child. He said he was happy with 2, when what he really meant was he didn't love me. But he's free to go on and have more kids. How the hell would I be OK with that, if it happened?

Just remember it isn't the end of the world. It may seem daunting now but take each day as it comes, it will get easier, although you can't even begin to move on while he's on the sofa!
If he does have more kids pity the woman stupid enough to have them! If he can't be faithful to his dw of 12 yrs and mother of his 2 dc's he certainly won't be faithful to her!

Helicopter

Thing is, he has wanted this decision to be taken out of his hands. Which you have now done.

He is too spineless to walk away. He wants to save face, be the good guy by admitting he fucked up but not just doing a runner.

Strange how it took for you to discover what he has been/was up to for him to admit it.

What you need to do is get rid. Like you say, it's an open wound. Festering on your sofa!

He has to move out and he has to leave you alone to heal and move your life forward.

This is actually something that he has planned out. Time and again in his head, the leaving part. Except that, for whatever reason, he didn't actually go.

E-mailing your friends is a pathetic attempt to score brownie points. The whole 'ah, bless him, he still cares about her' routine. Thanking them for the support he should be giving you as your husband.

Pha!!

The light at the end of the tunnel will be dazzling once he has gone!!!!!

Thank you for that Mouseface.

You are quite right about what he was trying to achieve with emailing my friends. I have obviously been in touch with them myself, and neither of them has fallen for it.

Re the move out, there's a flat he can move to, with a spare room for the kids to do sleepovers, but it's not free until November.

Anywhere else, and they won't be able to sleepover. I thought this might be worse for the kids, since they love their dad, don't want us to split up, and still want to see him.

So I agreed to him staying on the sofa instead of going to friend's spare room scenario. Not for me, for the kids.

What do you think?

Nope, I think your mental and emotional health is more important than the kids being able to sleep over. They'll still be able to see him, even if they can't sleep over until November, but you need to be able to start the grieving and recovery process now. And the kids need a mum who's keeping it together more than they need to spend sleep over time with their dad. Tell him he's moving out this weekend, if not sooner.

I think it's going to be incredibly hard for you to cope with him there on your sofa.

I can understand why. For the children, sure, but how many times do you see posts on here saying 'don't stay together for the children'? I dare say that you have said it yourself.

In a way, daddy being there on the sofa is doing more harm than good if he is going to leave in the long term. It's giving them false hope and that's not fair.

To them or to you. Sorry. He needs to go.

He can come back to see them to suit you all but he needs to go now and not prolong the agony further.

And once he's settled, they can sleep over. It can be something for them to look forward to.

Can't he visit at the weekend/take them out for the day/pick them up from school and take them out for tea etc? They can still see him plenty but you don't have to see him ALL the time. And explain to them it's only until daddy's settled in his new flat then they can sleep over. I'm sure at least your older DC would understand.
He has to remember he was just cheating on you he was cheating on them too.

Wasn't, sorry!

I will talk to him tonight about it. Easily done. He's here on the sofa!