found out about 2nd affair. It's all over now.

[helicopterview]

Oh my god. I can't believe this has happened, and life has unraveled so fast. From 12 years of marriage and 2 kids to nothing in 3 months.

I posted 3 months ago about a late night text alerting me to an OW. Emotional affair, didn't seem to love her, and we started therapy.

We were talking through the issues preceding, the lack of affection which had built up and all that. I was quite willing to change, and share the blame.

Went away as a family, but felt I was doing all the running, starting the conversations, buying the books to discuss. He was passive and pessimistic. Didn't feel right still. I'd have expected more input from him.

I knew there had been a specific time when my eldest dc (who's 10 now) was a newborn, when things changed. I couldn't put my finger on what went wrong.

So in therapy I had been blaming myself, had newborn, lack of attention to dh, all the usual.

One day on holiday, though, I went through his entire sent box (he'd deleted the inbox) and found a message from him to a girl saying he wasn't able to talk on the phone because I was in the room.

Confronted him, he admitted it was a 2 year affair with his p.a, when we had newborn, he thought about leaving, decided to stay but never stopped having feelings for her.

Nothing going on now, and the evidence was from years ago. But he lied, and lied, and lied. Listened to me blaming myself.

Too much betrayal.

Within days it was all over. Told parents, told kids, planned where he'll move to.

He's gone from being passive and sullen to all action. This is what he wanted all along, but was too weak to ask for.

I have been terrified of the future (I'm 42) cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, and now, 2 weeks later, am starting to feel incredibly angry.

Help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I do have a solicitor, and have lots of forms to fill in about my/children's expenses. She seems to think we'll go halves on property, and get maintenance for me/kids.

But a RL friend has said that maybe half's not enough, given there are 3 of us and only 1 of him.

How do you know if your solicitor's any good? This one was found through Resolution website, as recommended to me on an earlier post of mine.

But honestly I have no idea. He's a high net worth person, and I do want to have my back covered.

I cannot tell you what you should aim for, am so not qualified. Half doesn't seem enough though, surely ?

Why don't you try a post on the legal board ?

Or a separate thread...there will be loads of women who have come out the other side of this financial stuff.

Is there such a thing as 'rate my solicitor'? Could you google her. Ask her about her experience and her general approach -- How many cases would she consider were a success for her clients and why? (Some regard harmony and not making things worse between the divorcing parties as important, some regard going for the jugular as paramount, some are confrontation-averse..)

Ask the solicitor lots of questions about your own situation. Press her to give you really good reasons why you shouldn't get more of the property, or if she thinks you can make up for that with a higher rate of maintenance and child support. Try to gauge her level of personal assertiveness and enthusiasm for your case, balanced by realism.

If your H is worth a bit, hopefully you are aware where all the assets/money etc. is and how much it's all worth?

Heli I am about to embark on our division of assets and divorce etc. My solicitor suggests 50 50 may not be enough but I have been at home with dc dont have a job or great prospects and he does. I think if you have a good job it will impact on your settlement but thats a guess.

For what its worth I would give anything to have a good job and less in the settlement instead of looking at starting out again at 44 years old.

Also this idea of "family time" sounds absurd and in my case I am civil to my H who left at Christmas but wouldnt dream of spending any time with him whatsoever. We arent a family anymore as someone else said the best I can imagine is being able to deal with weddings of dc in the future.

Good Luck you sound very strong

Gettingeasier

I have also been a FTM, but got back into work in a freelance way a couple of years ago. So not completely off the career path, but certainly a very long way behind where I could have been. In my industry those years between 30 and 40 are when people really take off.

And of course now I'm main carer of two kids, whereas he can pursue his career much more singlemindedly. He had a career change recently so his salary the last 3 years has been lower than normal, but will go up a lot.

Thankfully most of the money's tied up in a few properties, so he can't run off with it.

I will ask solicitor more assertive questions next time I see her.

Thanks

followed part of this thread only. Very sorry for you but you have had some great advice and one day you'll wake up glad and happy about being shot of that wanker.

Please don't be sad about not having a 3rd child, be happy for the 2 healthy ones you have and if he ever goes on to have another baby you can already pity the new woman in his life. No need to be jealous there. He is an arsewipe and doesn't deserve to lick the soles of your shoes.

I do not think you should settle for half of the house. You must get a solicitor who'll strip him of his last bloody shirt. As your eldest is only 10 you should be given the house and he can go on to live in a bedsit. Also get your papers in order and go half on pension, etc. Do nothing without consulting a good lawyer, ie. one who is biased towards you!! Can you try and find another one? Your current sol sounds like a waste of time.

He can't run off with money that's tied up in property, but be sure he isn't mortgaging them either, that there are no liens on them that your H may not have told you about as things stand. Property can be converted into money by means other than sale, and encumbrances can greatly reduce the proceeds if you try selling it at a later stage.

Make sure your H will be forbidden from taking out any further mortgages on properties that are jointly owned, or using them as collateral for any loans for himself.

Use a solicitor to protect you ensure that you get your due but be careful not to consume too much in fee. Friend spent 150k+ and her DH more.

Also remember that some men might (consciously or subconsciously) go on a little ego trip seeing their wife being cut up about the divorce....I think that you should should be matter of fact with him and do your crying with supportive friends behind he scene. It is important that you start to feel really good about yourself. I am sure that you have lots going for you...you have children and security...the compansionship side of your life will get fixed in good time, no need to rush!

CAn you find the time to go to exercise classes to get yourself physically tired and help your sleep. Also the endorphins will do you good. Remember that you have friends on MN who are behind you. Warm wishes

www.legal500.com

Thanks TDiddy.
You are right about not going crying to him. Have stopped all unnecessary communications, and keeping it to practicalities.

Have decided to go back to work when planned, spoken to someone supportive I'll be working into.

Have stopped the interminable tears, managed to tell a few friends on the phone without completely breaking down, and generally feeling better here at friend's house.

But still waking at 4am every night. If I can crack that I'll be on the mend I think. Will try exercise.

helicopterview don't worry too much about the 4am waking. That was me a few weeks back but now I'm back to my snoring-till-the-baby-wakes self!

Hi Helicopter, just checking in to see how you are. I used to wake really early with the worries of the world on my head when we first split. It is normal so dont stress on it, it will pass. Exercise really helps if you can get a moment to yourself - not easy i know but good for your self esteem.

Re solicitors, shop around and find one you like who is going to really bat for you. It is the most important negotiation you will do, so treat it as just a negotiation and find a good team to do it for you. Mine was great, ours also a high net worth divorce and about a 70:30 split in my favour as I was a SAHM at the time - I chose not to take maintainance apart from child support as I wanted a clean break. I have now gone back to my original career on a good salary - he is gutted

Hang in there and keep posting. Thinking of you

elastamum
your solicitor sounds great. In London?

Helicopter, I went through a complex divorce. I'm also a lawyer, though not practising and not a divorce lawyer. But I do know that this whole thing is a negotiation and it's all up for grabs.

Two pieces of advice:

1. Do not admit that you are going back to work. Do not go back to work under any circumstances until the ink is dry. My excellent divorce lawyer told me to be a SAHM for the purposes of the negotiation. Earning money will only count against you. Tell soon to be ex-DH the children are so upset you have to be with them 24/7 for the next ten years or so;

1. Do not agree to a sale of the house. That is lunacy in the present market and you have 3 children to house.

I think your solicitor sounds a bit of a pushover tbh. How long has she been in practice and how many complex divorces has she negotiated?

Is soon to be ex still on the sofa? Get rid of him now! Allowing him to stay in the house is sending a signal that you are going to allow him to set the agenda. He can find another sofa, a B&B, a hotel or a park bench.

I've never had a divorce lawyer. How do I find one who'll fight my corner?

You need to ask around and get a recommendation. Because there is 'no fault' divorce in the UK, basically there is no law involved here - although documents do have to be worded and filed correctly. The primary job of your lawyer is to negotiate for you. That's where the experience comes in. If you announce you are going back to work, your DH's lawyer will deduct all that you earn from their calculations of maintenance. But you will have childcare costs and you have no idea how work will play out with three children to look after on your own. So leave that for now. In my experience, your DH will also play up how wonderfully talented you are, how soon you will be promoted, how you will be earning a packet in no time at all. He's also going to downplay his assets and his earning capacity. Expect lots of stories about how dire his work situation is. Have you taken copies of all finanicial docs, including both your credit card statements, bank statements etc? Take copies, then store them at a friends.

Where are you based roughly Helicopter? Just thinking about solicitors.

HV I've not been around for a while, but I wanted to say how sorry I am at this latest turn of events. However, I think it explains a lot about the struggle you've had in recent months and I just want to tell you that the worst is over. At least you know now. Your H is utterly spineless though and I wouldn't trust him an inch. He would rather you had taken the blame for this, I am sure, which is why he was so unwilling to dig deep.

Thanks WWIFN.
Nice to hear from you again. Funnily, I had really struggled to put my finger on where it all went wrong, and tried in counseling to piece it together.
When I finally found out about the affair he'd had when our first baby was born all those years ago, suddenly everything fell into place. Complete clarity.
And I knew there was no way forward. I have no doubts about that. He will never be someone to confess anything, and always be someone who has the potential to be unfaithful. Bad combination.

Nomedoit, I have taken copies of everything, but not passed them to my solicitor yet. I think if he gets a whiff of that, it'll get nasty. They are at home. Good idea to move them out.

Make sure those papers are safe - my exh did not include numerous financial papers in his financial declarations and I was able to, through the solicitor to say...

'And where are account numbers blah blah etc.'

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when he opened the letter.

Our divorce is one year in, he is in the family home, I have moved out with the two dc's and would dearly love to pay him off and move back in...

He refuses to move out.

It took me along time to get my head round the fact that the man I was divorcing was not honourable, did not put me and DS first, didn't actually give a damn about us - and that he was concentrating on the future with his new woman. I had to get real and look after myself and my interests. Having spoken to many women going through this over the years that is not unusual.
You do have to play a long game here imo. The financial settlement you reach will determine your standard of living for a long time. Don't rush, get it right is my advice. You may want to be divorced, I don't know, but please pay attention to the details Heli. Yes, get those papers out of the house!
In the end, ex-Dh ditched the OW, married someone else, then cheated on her.
I am very happily remarried - but that journey took time and work.

I think you can take it as a given that a man who had an affair at the time his first child was born is not putting his wife and family first, will not, and possibly cannot.

He has prioritised his own comfort and the meeting of his own needs. This will continue through the financial negotiations; if the sleeping on the couch is any indication he seems to see nothing wrong with keeping himself as comfortable and as little put out as possible.

Start thinking like some paranoid banshee, and double check everything -- the details are very important. And when push comes to shove, watch out for tiny little things he may throw at you like a sudden demand for the good china or some such item from the home, while hoping you'll be too upset by a sentimental thing like that to see that he wants to shortchange you on alimony or paying university fees for the children.

Hi Helicopter- hope that you are starting to find some level of peace. Three things:

-stay in control
-exercise
-new hair do

hi Heli, nomedoit gives some excellent advice. I didnt get a job until after our finincial settlement was negotiated and ex still has no idea what I earn. He has asked but i have told him it is none of his business.

Unfortunately my solicitor is in Derby, shame as she was great and really fought my corner for me.

Copying all your financial papers is a really good idea. I also moved half our assets out of his reach so I had money to live off whilst we sorted ourselves out and so he couldnt run off with it all. It made me feel so much happier to know we could survive while I found a job.

I was fortunate in that I ran the house and our financial affairs so it wasnt possible for him to hide stuff.

Dont expect him to be honourable - take it as a bonus if he plays fair

Yes, I think you should can say to him that you want an amicable diorce but at the same time protect yourself as per prudent advice above.

Important that you don't feel like a victim. Please write down five things that are good about yourself. Also five things that are good about splitting from DH. Don't look for sympathy from him mom any longer.