found out about 2nd affair. It's all over now.

[helicopterview]

Oh my god. I can't believe this has happened, and life has unraveled so fast. From 12 years of marriage and 2 kids to nothing in 3 months.

I posted 3 months ago about a late night text alerting me to an OW. Emotional affair, didn't seem to love her, and we started therapy.

We were talking through the issues preceding, the lack of affection which had built up and all that. I was quite willing to change, and share the blame.

Went away as a family, but felt I was doing all the running, starting the conversations, buying the books to discuss. He was passive and pessimistic. Didn't feel right still. I'd have expected more input from him.

I knew there had been a specific time when my eldest dc (who's 10 now) was a newborn, when things changed. I couldn't put my finger on what went wrong.

So in therapy I had been blaming myself, had newborn, lack of attention to dh, all the usual.

One day on holiday, though, I went through his entire sent box (he'd deleted the inbox) and found a message from him to a girl saying he wasn't able to talk on the phone because I was in the room.

Confronted him, he admitted it was a 2 year affair with his p.a, when we had newborn, he thought about leaving, decided to stay but never stopped having feelings for her.

Nothing going on now, and the evidence was from years ago. But he lied, and lied, and lied. Listened to me blaming myself.

Too much betrayal.

Within days it was all over. Told parents, told kids, planned where he'll move to.

He's gone from being passive and sullen to all action. This is what he wanted all along, but was too weak to ask for.

I have been terrified of the future (I'm 42) cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, and now, 2 weeks later, am starting to feel incredibly angry.

Help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks everyone.

Been to Resolution solicitor, had a good cry. She suggested sorting out financial agreement before filing for divorce, because she thinks I can only cope with one thing at a time, and I have to agree. It's going to complicated because h freelances, with unpredictable income, and I will be due maintenance.

Hate all this money talk. We've got plenty, thankfully. But it just dawned on me that our problems all began when h became successful, well known in his industry, and a target for unscrupulous girls, and he was dazzled. I would so much rather have been just living our normal middle of the road life, but happy together. We had no money when we married, and I didn't mind. Yet now I feel I have to turn into this grabby person.

I suppose I didn't need to find him a solicitor, but I thought it would help us proceed if my solicitor could work with this other one. But then I have organised his life for the lat 12 years. Hard habit to break.

Helicopter you're not being a grabby person, it isn't a bad thing. You have to get everything you canout of him for your DC's, it's what they (and you) are entitled to. Any decent mother would be exactly the same.

Helicopter - earlier you write of sending an angry email to the p.a, now you mention
"a target for unscrupulous girls"

I would say that you need to stop diverting your anger in the wrong direction and giving excuses for him.

If you've got plenty of money then he doesn't need to be sleeping on your sofa.

Yes, Eurostar, I guess I know I'm diverting attention. Rationally I know it was my h who broke his vows.

But it does take 2 to tango. I'm angry at them both, and I really think OW need to know when what to them is a bit of fun with an exciting married man, actually has devastating consequences, for the wife, and the children. I just want to her to feel some responsibility. Is that daft?

I'm just angry generally I suppose.

He is trying to sort a room in a mate's house. Should know v soon.

Angry is good.
Anger will see you through this stage but it was your DH who broke his marriage vows so most of your anger should be directed at him. The OW wont give a shit about you, your family or the carnage she and your DH have created. She will be just happy to have "won"

Try giving hime a deadline for moving out he has the money for a B&B /holiday Inn if his mate doesn't provide the room.

Don't help him in any way--he has made this mess and f**d up both you and yor DCs life. Let him find his own solicitor and make sure you have copies of earnings /bank accounts so that you can get the best and fairest settlement for you and the kids.

Then buy a new bed AND a new sofa!!!!!!!!

Funny you should say that, Doha. Was thinking of looking at furniture tomorrow.

Might feel like a lonely activity though, since we'd have spent lots of time choosing together, before all this. Just so 'single mum' buying it alone. Very symbolic somehow.

"and I really think OW need to know when what to them is a bit of fun with an exciting married man, actually has devastating consequences, for the wife, and the children".

You are really reading a lot into the other womens' motives by deciding that they just want a bit of fun with an exciting married man. There is so much wrong with this statement but no point disecting it now.

It might be useful for all young women to be taught that 99% of the time it is bollocks when they say, for instance...the wife hates sex, I can't live without but I can't leave my children, please be there for me, you'll be doing her a favour....or, the wife is a bit of a nutter who nags me all of the time, please let me find some peace and joy with you....or, I'm depressed, I don't know what I want, please be there for me...or, you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours...

Amyway, sorry to go off topic. The best revenge is to live well they say don't they? I always liked that one.

Eurostar

It's not off topic really.

What's wrong with the statement? Never having been an OW, I really don't get it.

Are you saying an OW normally knows exactly what they are doing, and want to take the wife's place.

My h was/is always well dressed and good looking, and became high flying too. Do you think the pa really wanted to take him from me?

Because what happened to us was he decided to stay, but was torn, and started to behave differently with me, with long term consequences for us as a couple.

Hi Helicopter, I really feel for you and I understand how you must feel as could have written this myself almost word for word 2 years ago.

My ex and OW destroyed 2 families between them. 2 years on they are not even together.

You need to get him out for your own sanity.

Get a good solicitor, I had one from resolution, she was great. I also found a counsellor who helped me enormously, giving me a safe place to cry, discuss my feelings and reflect on what happened. Expensive, but some of the best money I have ever spent when I was trying to hold it together for my kids through all the pain.

My boys were also 7 and 9, about the same age as yours.

There is light at the tunnel. 2 years on and my children are fine, we are all doing well and at 46 I am now dating again!!

My in laws were a huge disapointment, they never ever supported me at all after he left but my friends are still there. Lean on them if you can.

It is really awful but you can do this. Keep posting and be stong. and try to eat some breakfast if you can

If it helps, I read a lot of books on relationship breakdown at the time. This was by far the most useful and I still re read it from time to time to remind me where I am going. It is on amazon

Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends by Sandra S. Kahn

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll get that book, elastamum.

He's leaving today. Going to his mums. Not exactly convenient for visiting the kids, but there you go - that's what you get when you cheat on your wife and kids.

Want to get into some sort of new life routine before school goes back, so feels for the best. Well. not the best, but you know what I mean.

What I'm saying Helicopter is, who knows what the other women wanted but you are painting your husband somewhat as the victim here - falling into the hands of women who want to use him for a good time/ be unscrupulous. Your H is, as you say, a successful man at work - he clearly knows how to get what he wants yet you are imagining him as being manipulated or used. You say you've organised everything for him for years so maybe you're just not seeing him as he can be with others. Sounds like you've fallen into somewhat of a parent/child role in your partnership whereas, at work, he is someone else. When couples fall into these types of roles you very often see the man come to resent his wife and see her more like a Mum who he needs but is restricting his fun in some ways (this is in a subtle way obviously). Having worked with lots of these high flying men I see this attitude an awful lot of the time.

Hi Helicopter, glad to hear that he's moving out today - at least that will give you both a bit of breathing space. Thinking of you.

Yes we did fall into parent/child roles.

I think you're right, playing the child meant he hid stuff from me like a teenager would from a mum. Being the 'child' at home meant he also shouted about inconsequential things, with no sense of self responsibility. And being 'mum' stopped me feeling nurtured, or feminine.

And I do definitely think others saw him differently, because he was different with them. Out after work with the gang he'd be sparkling, fun, all-singing-all-dancing. Then he'd come home, be hungover and grumpy. And so instead of admiring him, like other women, I'd be fed up.

I think I'm going to keep some therapist busy for a while!

Also, saw my GP today. She gave me a questionnaire to fill out, and told me I'm seriously depressed. Plus she's concerned about the waking at 4am, loss of appetite, loss of weight, and migraines.

So she has prescribed 6 months of anti depressants called Fluoxetine.

Anyone got any experience of this?

I think that's Prozac. I am sure I was given that when DH walked out on me for OW. I have to say it didn't do much for me, nothing could have taken the pain and anxiety away and also, one of the side effects for me was that it took away what little appetite I had left.

I think it's one of those anti-depressants whereby you have to take it a couple of months to feel the benefits. I just felt so bad at the time that the only thing that really calmed me down was diazepam and you are not allowed to take that for more than a few days as it is so addictive.

You may find it helpful but are you depressed because of the situation now or were you depressed before ?

I was not depressed before. I am not myself at all. I have never felt this low. It is 100% to do with my situation now.

I know that time will heal me, but I have felt like this for 3 months, and GP said realistically nothing's going to change fast, and it was worth a go, to get through the next few months.

Don't know really.

Oh Helicopter I am so feeling for you!! My husband announced on 6th March he had left home, he swore no one else involved, just that he did not feel anything for me at all and could not sleep on the sofa of live in the house anymore. LIES of course! Spineless amoeba. Found out in May he was having an affair for over a year and moved in with her (10 yrs younger than me and blonde with tits). 30yrs of friendship and 22 of marriage over in a second.No money in our bank account as he has not given me any for ages (but he had 7 holidays last year, 4 long haul). I'm devasted and humiliated. Kids 18 and 13 fully supportive to me and want nothing to do with him. Anyone know how do I find a solicitor (do I need one?) and how do I pay for advice I so desperately need with no money saved?

Helicopterview Fluoxetine are fine to take and well done for going to your GP and filling out the questionaire honestly. Hopefully you will be reviewed by your GP within a few weeks -this would be to check that you are on the appropriate dosage and that you are starting to feel just a bit better. There is no time limit to be on this medicine , stay on it as long as needed.

I am glad that exH has gone. With him gone out the house you will have a chance to grieve properly for the loss of your relationship ad your hopes for the future.

Take your time do little things, no major decisions just focus on getting a bit stronger day by day.

You will get there. It is a difficult path ahead of you but remember it is you that will be watching your kids grow up, seeing them every morning, doing all the little things with them that make special memories. Your DH is the loser here. He is too much a fool to realise that at this point.

Be kind to your self take whatever RL help and support to can get and don't be afraid to ask.
there are plenty of wise eople on MN who have through this and have come out the otherside stronger and wiser.

Just give it time

H just left. We'll never be together as a family again. That's it.

Large glass of Rose.

Kids in front of tele.

I fear this scene will be repeated many many times in this house over the coming months.

Just read your whole thread. Just wanted to respond to your last post. So sorry to read about all that you have been through but am certain that tonight is the start of something not the end of something for you.

helicopterview - I am very sad about this. THink I commented on earlier thread from you where you sounded well-balanced. Pleas, please ensure that you keep your dignity... if you haven't already done so the:

1)get your hair done and some pampering
2)turn yourself into a gym/sports lady...the endorp[hins will do you a great dela of good
3)write down allthe things that are good about you and read then daily

...you need to stay positive. Sadly he will want you back when he sees you strong and beautiful and that you have moved on but it will be too late then....please stay and in control.

I don't know how wealthy you are but best to go for arbitration and avoid the 150k + legal bill that one of our girlfriends paid her divorce lawyer. And that was after we talked her out of using The Mighty Raymond Tooth

Most of all you must play music and dance with the kids. You must not be a victim!!!

.....cheating is one thing but it is him saying that he doesn't love you that annoys me on your behalf.

Thank you TDiddy and justabit.

I do feel sideswiped. I am normally very together, sensible, and have a senior job. Am going through stages of grief I think. Been in big, fat, self pity, and need to come out the other side. Don't want to be a victim.

Tomorrow's a new day. And actually now kids are in bed, and I'm here on my own, without the irritation of my h in the house, I already feel calmer. I do think he was doing my head in, with his new-found gung-ho 'this is for the best' attitude.

!0 year old cried at bedtime, but I'm glad he's letting it out.

One thing I've been worrying about it having to go over and over the news in the playground with mums, and at work. Any tips?