found out about 2nd affair. It's all over now.

[helicopterview]

Oh my god. I can't believe this has happened, and life has unraveled so fast. From 12 years of marriage and 2 kids to nothing in 3 months.

I posted 3 months ago about a late night text alerting me to an OW. Emotional affair, didn't seem to love her, and we started therapy.

We were talking through the issues preceding, the lack of affection which had built up and all that. I was quite willing to change, and share the blame.

Went away as a family, but felt I was doing all the running, starting the conversations, buying the books to discuss. He was passive and pessimistic. Didn't feel right still. I'd have expected more input from him.

I knew there had been a specific time when my eldest dc (who's 10 now) was a newborn, when things changed. I couldn't put my finger on what went wrong.

So in therapy I had been blaming myself, had newborn, lack of attention to dh, all the usual.

One day on holiday, though, I went through his entire sent box (he'd deleted the inbox) and found a message from him to a girl saying he wasn't able to talk on the phone because I was in the room.

Confronted him, he admitted it was a 2 year affair with his p.a, when we had newborn, he thought about leaving, decided to stay but never stopped having feelings for her.

Nothing going on now, and the evidence was from years ago. But he lied, and lied, and lied. Listened to me blaming myself.

Too much betrayal.

Within days it was all over. Told parents, told kids, planned where he'll move to.

He's gone from being passive and sullen to all action. This is what he wanted all along, but was too weak to ask for.

I have been terrified of the future (I'm 42) cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, and now, 2 weeks later, am starting to feel incredibly angry.

Help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. There will be ups and downs but try to treat yourself as you would treat your best friend - be kind to yourself. As to the work/playground situation I would say to those who need to know something like
'I am really not ready to talk about my situation, but I am a single parent now. * has moved out and will not be coming back'. Say it firmly and with a degree of confidence (practise this in front of a mirror) and it should deflect anyone. Anybody rude enough to ask questions, just reply with a firm 'When I'm ready to discuss this, I will be sure to let you know'.

Hope this helps.

hi helicopter,

Hang in there it will get better. I found telling people really hard so I told a couple of good friends and they told other people for me. I was amazed at the support I got.

The other thing that made all the difference for me was having our dogs. In the first few weeks after H left I walked miles and miles which did wonders for my mental state. They were always there for me and the kids to cuddle and used to come and lick my face when I cried. It might not be practical but when you feel up to it getting a dog or such like can be a really positive diversion for everyone as it brings a whole new dynamic into your home.

It might not seem like it right now but you seem to be doing really well. Sending you a big hug

Okay my strategy is: find the biggest gossips best connected mums in the playground, and tell them, asking them to spread the word. At least then you will know people are talking about you but it won't last more than a day really.

Yes, Helicopter- it is about taking control. Too early to try to validate/assess your past relationship. Your DH has been weak on several fronts. Stay ion control and feel good about yourself. Very best wishes. Your previous posts suggest that you are a good person.

Thanks.

Slept a little better last night.

Going to see a RL friend who's been through this and seems really sorted.

Thanks for the continued support.

Have just read through this thread and have nothing to add except my support heli. You sound like you are coping, even though you may not feel you are. Your AD is a form of prozac, and it should just take the edge off everything a little, but it needs a good few weeks to kick in. Give it a go, it won't do any harm. Good luck and best wishes. I'm glad he's left, because now you're no longer in limbo, which is horrible.

Spoke to my RL friend who has been divorced a few years and has one of those rare and genuinely amicable relationships with the kids' dad. Holidays together etc.

She told me it's taken 4 or 5 years to get to this way of living. And there was no infidelity.

My h, in contrast, seems to think we can just jump straight (within a few weeks this is) from my discovery of his betrayal, to separate homes, and that sort of ideal amicable set up.

This seems completely unrealistic to me. My h moved on a long time ago, I now know, and I have not even begun that journey.

Any of you got experience of this, and how long before you felt able to have 'family time' together again?

hv, I think you should be calling the shots about how soon, and under what circumstances you spend time together in the future

if you never do (in the way he clearly wants you to "just move on"), then so be it

it isn't compulsory to spend amicable "family time" together

"family time"...such an over-rated concept, and so, so, so emotionally-loaded. Guaranteed to set off almight guilt trips in those who refuse/are unable to play along with it

of course, it will assuage his guilt if you play along, and to outsiders he might think how can he possibly be such a bad man, cos look, they all get on great...

bollocks to that, until you are ready (if ever)

don't be pressured, and don't be rushed

he can still be a father to the children, and time spent with them apart from you may actually help them to understand that mummy and daddy are not together any more, and never will be

he doesn't call the shots here, remember that

he made his choice, to not be resident parent, he doesn't deserve to still have the same status he did before while you die inside x

Hello AF

I remember your post on my original thread 3 months ago. You said you didn't think I knew my husband at all. At the time I have to confess I thought you were wrong. I was so sure we could fix things, and that the first girl I found out about was the only one.

But how right you were.

I think you're right again here. I will be dying inside if he gets to be round my house all the time, looking happy and free. Possibly with some new girlfriend in a few months.

No. Don't think that's best for me. Even if it would be best for the kids to see their dad all the time.

Please dont put yourself through this one just because he says it is best for your kids

You dont need to create an amicable 'happy familes' world to create a positive future for your kids and it will never work if you are dying inside.

what you need is support from others and distancve from him to create a new future for yourself. If you get the chance please buy the book I recomended. It spelt it out so clearly for me and helped me cut the cord between myself and ex. Now I can see him or share a cup of tea and sit together at school functions as I really dont care anymore - but it took 2 years - He now finds it harder than I do

Hello again elastamum. Ordered the book yesterday!

hv, I take no pleasure in being "right", I promise you that

don't fall for th emotional blackmail...it is designed to make him feel better, not the kids

a bloke who really put his kids first would have not have dipped his dick elsewhere whilst letting you think you could "still work it out"

the only thing you owe him is reasonable access to the kids, and not to turn them against him deliberately

anything else is at your own discretion, not his, and I wouldn't find myself playing happy families with someone who treated me with so little regard, either

hv- let him take the kids whilst you go out playing sport, going to the gym, dinner and socialising. Intensive exercise is a good alternative to ADs.

Are you playing your favourite music yet?

When will I stop waking up at 4am? It's exhausting.

"I have been terrified of the future (I'm 42) cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, and now, 2 weeks later, am starting to feel incredibly angry.

Help me see the light at the end of the tunnel."

This is the light at the end of the tunnel.

It went on when you discovered the truth and it has kept on getting stronger the more steps you've taken to separate your life from his.

"I will be dying inside if he gets to be round my house all the time, looking happy and free. Possibly with some new girlfriend in a few months.
No. Don't think that's best for me. Even if it would be best for the kids to see their dad all the time."

Only do what's best for you. It's best for the kids in the long run anyhow to consent only to what works best for you. DCs can settle into a routine of every other weekend visits or whatever regular schedule you decide upon. Minimising disruption in their lives is what you should aim at, not maximising the time your ex sees them. DCs don't usually do well with having to live out of suitcases, hopping from post to pillar.

And I agree with everything AnyFucker says here.

Do you best not to see him. He has to see your kids outside your house. If that turns him into McDonald's Dad so be it. Hopefully he will soon have his own place.

As for long term. My only aim is to be the kind of couple who can both be invited to their kids wedding's, grandchildren's christenings, and not talk or maybe small talk without World War 3 breaking out. If you are doing really well, maybe you will be able to have brief conversations of mutual support if the kids have problems at school, in a few years time.

Do just tell him he is living in a fantasy land, and needs to leave you alone.

Good luck!

One of my RL friends said to me not to let him live his fantasy life of complete freedom to date whoever he wants, with a great mum raising his kids, who he can pop in and see all the time.

I think that's right, He is in cloud cuckoo land.

'Family time' would actually be extremely confusing for the children. Most children need to know the reality before they can pick up the pieces and move ahead feeling secure. If they have a lingering illusion that there is still a single family unit it just makes it that much harder, because children tend to have some sort of fantasy along the lines of The Parent Trap, that their parents will magically get back together again.

It's not a terrible thing to help them understand that this will not happen -- it's kinder in the long run to help them feel just as secure with a single parent situation as they would have before it all blew up.

A parent who thinks there can be some sort of play acting along the family time lines is living in fantasy land and not thinking of the impact such a charade would have on the children. They need a new, dependable routine; routine and dependability can be a great comfort to children at a time like this.

Hi heli just letting you know how I handled breaking the news at work. I told my PA (and HR Manager) as I trust her, when it happened, but I didn't tell anyone else until I was starting to get over the initial 'bursting into tears all the time'. I then emailed by mass email everyone in work to let them know that a few months ago I seperated from my husband.

I just found that the most factual and un-emotional way to deal with it.

Hairytriangle

Thanks for that advice. A RL friend was just telling me yesterday too to be as matter as fact as possible. I am not yet over the bursting into tears stage, and really don't want to do that in the office. Especially as I have people reporting into me.

HV - 4 a.m. is the time when stressed out/depressed people usually wake up - also, your ads will affect your sleep pattern. This will pass, but I know how exhausting it is. I really agree with AF - you call the shots regarding the kids - he lost the right to dictate the future when he walked out. I totally agree that it's to make him feel better - this never never land fantasy of him being free and single, but playing dad role in a happy family environment when he chooses. What a nerve. You must decide what you can cope with, and don't make yourself suffer any more to keep him happy. Be really selfish over this - and Mathanx is so right when she says how confusing it will be for the kids. He is being so selfish and self absorbed - time to make him wake up see things as they really are. Good luck.

Thanks to everyone who's helping me through this.

I spoke to him on the phone yesterday from a friend's house where I have come with the kids. You know what - he moaned about how expensive solicitors would get if we didn't manage to agree a financial settlement amicably. It can get expensive apparently.

What a nerve. Bringing up the expense factor of involving solicitors is of course a veiled threat a lot of the time, that unless you are prepared to play nice about finances, you can expect a knock-down, drag-out battle that will cost you thousands.

It is extremely important for you to have the advice of a solicitor when dealing with your financial situation right now. The expense will be well worth it. Consider it an investment.

Want to add he is trying to make things as easy and advantageous to himself as he can. He doesn't want to be accountable in any way to any authority, or to have any element of his life dictated to him hence the casual dropping in to see the children and family time silliness, and also this casual gentlemen's agreement approach he wants for the finances.

It's all an expression of the same fantasy that he will sail blithely on with his life and everyone else will accommodate him. Stand up for your rights and your children's rights and make him toe the lines you draw.

no, no, no

I really feel you should not agree to anything financial without the advice of a very good solicitor

This man is going to try and royally fuck you over

Please don't trust him to be fair and do the right thing

Didn't I say "you don't know this man at all...>>>" < shamelessly harks back to previous input >