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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

found out about 2nd affair. It's all over now.

205 replies

helicopterview · 22/08/2010 18:36

Oh my god. I can't believe this has happened, and life has unraveled so fast. From 12 years of marriage and 2 kids to nothing in 3 months.

I posted 3 months ago about a late night text alerting me to an OW. Emotional affair, didn't seem to love her, and we started therapy.

We were talking through the issues preceding, the lack of affection which had built up and all that. I was quite willing to change, and share the blame.

Went away as a family, but felt I was doing all the running, starting the conversations, buying the books to discuss. He was passive and pessimistic. Didn't feel right still. I'd have expected more input from him.

I knew there had been a specific time when my eldest dc (who's 10 now) was a newborn, when things changed. I couldn't put my finger on what went wrong.

So in therapy I had been blaming myself, had newborn, lack of attention to dh, all the usual.

One day on holiday, though, I went through his entire sent box (he'd deleted the inbox) and found a message from him to a girl saying he wasn't able to talk on the phone because I was in the room.

Confronted him, he admitted it was a 2 year affair with his p.a, when we had newborn, he thought about leaving, decided to stay but never stopped having feelings for her.

Nothing going on now, and the evidence was from years ago. But he lied, and lied, and lied. Listened to me blaming myself.

Too much betrayal.

Within days it was all over. Told parents, told kids, planned where he'll move to.

He's gone from being passive and sullen to all action. This is what he wanted all along, but was too weak to ask for.

I have been terrified of the future (I'm 42) cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, and now, 2 weeks later, am starting to feel incredibly angry.

Help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 22/08/2010 21:13

Good luck. Be strong and keep calm.

catwalker · 22/08/2010 21:14

I agree - much more important for your kids to have a mum who is holding it together than one who is in constant emotional turmoil because he's sleeping on the sofa. It's like taking a plaster off very very slowly. If he's going to go, best he goes now. He can see plenty of his kids without needing to have them sleep over. And try not to spend too much time worrying about him living in a grotty bedsit....

Original poster
helicopterview · 22/08/2010 21:16

When do the tears stop coming?

I started crying 3 months ago. I cry every night at 4am. I cry in the car if a sad song comes on. I cry for no reason other than I'm on my own with a chance to reflect on what has happened to me. I thought being angry would take away the tears, but hasn't worked like that yet. And it's so exhausting. And of course, I've lost my appetite. Lost half a stone in 2 weeks.

Just feeling depressed too because my h is here in the flat, and there a loads of things that happened to me and kids today I'd normally chat to him about, but it's like we can't chat anymore. There's no place for small talk.

That's part of the loneliness isn't it? No-one to share they day-to-day with, after 17 years of it.

OP posts:
asouthwoldmummy · 22/08/2010 21:26

Be strong, we're all here to support you. Keep looking forward and not back, it will get easier. You might meet someone else in the future, in the meantime you could turn into one of those mad women who talks to the houseplants?!

Tippychoocks · 22/08/2010 21:51

Oh helicopter. Get him out, there is no reason why he cannot go. Let him stay with friends or parents or in a B&B. Him being there is stopping you from seeing what is positive about him going. I let my Ex stay like you on one of our many splits and it was awful. It's still not great him living in the same village and visiting every day but I'm working on that! But November is a long time to wait before you can start to sort things out and be happy.

Aminata100 · 22/08/2010 21:57

Why give him the comfort of the sofa??

He made his bed, let him lie in it! (sorry, pun not intended!).

November is a long long way away!

And don't worry about crying your eyes out, it's a healing thing! Better that than keeping it bottled up and doing your health in eventually!

Original poster
helicopterview · 22/08/2010 22:22

Spoke to him about staying somewhere else. Going to sleep on it.

Thing is, as one of you said, it's probably going to give the kids false hope. Then we have the day of reckoning when he does move out, hanging over us.

I said better that he's somewhere less convenient for a bit, then it will seem like a good thing when he eventually gets in the flat where they can go and stay.

We'll see.

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 22/08/2010 22:25

Good for you. Am fuming on your behalf though, why does he get to decide if it suits him? He's lucky he still has his danglers intact.
Am only projecting a little, honest Grin

Aminata100 · 22/08/2010 22:27

How old are the kids? (sorry, missed that).
You have to explain it to them in an age-appropriate way, whatever don't take on the blame!

Original poster
helicopterview · 22/08/2010 22:41

Kids are 7 and 10. Both boys. Love playing footie and frisby with dad, don't want him to go. And because things were not bad before, don't see that this is better than blazing rows or something.

10 year old more overtly upset. Knows more kids in this situation. Asking about exactly why we split up.

7 year old seems OK on surface, but seems less resilient, things get on top of him more easily, less laughter. Asking heartbreakingly innocent questions like will he still get to play footie with dad after school.

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 22/08/2010 22:58

Well it's credit to you that they don't want him to go. You obviously haven't bitched or had screaming rows or made them uncomfortable or they would understand more. But they're not going to be happy with it whenever he goes, now or November.

Original poster
helicopterview · 23/08/2010 07:03

Have come back from holiday early to see family and friends. My mum seeing kids today and MIL tomorrow. But I have a problem with her, we never argued before but we have over this.

I called her once we'd told the kids to say obviously the kids still need their granny, and I want business as usual for them. Had a chat, then I realised afterwards that she had not said what I'd expect, which is how could h do this? I'm so disappointed in him etc. Nothing like that from her at all.

So next time we spoke I told her how I felt, and sent a text saying that this did not seem the time for even handedness. And I am very vulnerable now, often in tears, and only want people around me who are really behind me.

She has not been back in touch.

How do you handle a MIL who does not want to criticise her son?

She

OP posts:
KiwiKat · 23/08/2010 10:18

Morning, Helicopter. I imagine your MIL is feeling as sad and angry as you are, possibly also in shock, and perhaps she's also ashamed of his behaviour. Maybe she's trying not to get in the middle. While I agree that in an ideal world she would agree with you that he's a dickhead, you do still want her to be there for you and the kids and hopefully not get caught in the firing line, so be very careful not to alienate her. I'm not saying tiptoe around her, but try to keep it together around her until the rawness of everything dies down a bit.

Crying is a completely natural reaction to anger, fear, sorrow and you're going through all of those things. You'll probably be on something of an emotional roller coaster for a while as you deal with all of these conflicting emotions, but just go with it, let it run its course.

You're on no one else's timetable for recovery, just take each day as it comes, and in the words of the immortal Dory, "just keep swimming ..."

(Bought a heavy bottomed frying pan yet?)

Tortington · 23/08/2010 10:30

re: MIL

what is it that your sons could do that would mean that you took someone elses side - no matter how right the other person was? she's his mum, so as unfair as it is, you have to think of it that way. she wont be on your 'side' she loves her son more than you and the kids, as you love your kids above everything else. i think its worth remembering this should you expect her support on anything in the future.

i think you are handling this situation fabulously

Shaz10 · 23/08/2010 10:53

Don't worry too much about MIL. They're supposed to support their son and won't want to take sides. And she's not your priority anyway, so don't waste time worrying about her.

Big sympathies, and know a little about what you're going through. The posts on my thread look sadly similar - the shock, the grief, the anger. Take care of yourself please. :)

Anniegetyourgun · 23/08/2010 10:59

Meanwhile, I hope you're not doing his laundry?[stern glare]

walesblackbird · 23/08/2010 11:04

Have been in a very similar situation with my husband and I agree, he has to go. When I found out about my husband's affair I kicked him out straight away. Frankly I didn't care where he lived - he made arrangements that worked for him but it did mean that he had to work to see the children. He works away and he'd come and pick them up on a Saturday and do things with them. I refused to have him here.

As it is we are now trying to work things out but it is very, very difficult and, frankly, I still have the urge to stab him to death quite regularly. Not sure if that will ever go away.

You need to be apart so that you can both really work out what you want. Go and see a solicitor if you haven't already to be sure of what you're going to be entitled to. Frighten the bastard to death with the thought of financial support

Original poster
helicopterview · 23/08/2010 11:05

No - no laundry (or any house tidying of any kind for that matter) going on here. Cannot get the energy up.

OP posts:
Mouseface · 23/08/2010 11:46

helicopter

It was me who said about the false hope............ it's true. If he is there, the children will think everything is ok. Mummmy and daddy are 'friends' again. Daddy is staying etc.

Custardo is spot on re the MIL. Sorry though, not easy for you.

Keep going. Go and see a solicitor. Make plans. Make a list of what happens next. What YOU want.

You are in control remember? He put you in control by forcing you to make this decision in the first place.

Ues it.

You are doing great. Keep going.

Original poster
helicopterview · 23/08/2010 11:52

Have solicitor appointment today actually. Someone from Resolution, supposedly good in family breakdowns. And have asked her to recommend a solicitor she thinks she'd be good working with for my h. His appointment today too.

Had a migraine today. Lost half a stone in 2 weeks. Feel a shadow of my former self. Hope this doesn't turn into a battle for money because I simply do not have the energy. Bit wobbly. Going to see GP tomorrow.

Re false hope. RL family have said same thing. we do need to move on, painful as that will be.

OP posts:
asouthwoldmummy · 23/08/2010 12:06

I can't believe you're being so strong, even if you don't feel it! Hope it goes well at the solicitors! Remember to make some time for you as well, until he moves out tell him to bugger off to the pub for a while so you can put your feet up in front of the telly for an hour after kids have gone to bed!

walesblackbird · 23/08/2010 12:11

The solicitor will tell you how much maintenance he is obliged to pay you. Certainly came as a shock to my husband when I gleefully told him how much he was going to have to fork out. We have three children and it was going to cost him dearly.

You may also be entitled to benefits so make sure you check out what income support you'd be entitled to. Maintenance payments do not count as income - they're already taxed - so you may be entitled to Income support as well.

They were very helpful and friendly. Also once he's moved out (get him out) you're entitled to a discount on your council tax.

I do know how you're feeling. I found it helped when I was going through it to plan how I was going to survive. Even though my husband has now realised that he made a huge mistake and is doing everything in his power to put things right I haven't forgotten and if eventually we can't work things out then I do at least know what I will be entitled to from him - and so does he. Oh, and I've opened my own bank account which I'm accummulating my own money in.

ladylush · 23/08/2010 14:06

So sorry you are going through this Sad........but agree with everyone - you are worth much more than this. Your h has been deceitful and spineless and emailing your friends was for his benefit, not yours. Either to manipulate them or assauge his guilt.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/08/2010 14:17

Whoa, whoa... do I understand this... you are trying to get a good solicitor for him as well as one for yourself?

Let the cheating bugger get his own solicitor ffs, and hope it's a really lousy one so you get to call the shots! He is an adult isn't he, he can use the internet and yellow pages? It is your job to get the best deal you can for yourself and DCs. That is quite hard enough. You barely have the energy to stand your own corner, for heaven's sake don't try to fight both sides at the same time.

lilac21 · 23/08/2010 14:58

Helicopter, I'm also 42 and in London and have two children (mine are girls aged 10 and 12). Many of the things you are going through made me think 'yep, been there'. When David Cameron's son died, I cried, because I would cry about anything sad then. I lived with my ex for over a year after the relationship ended, it was horrible and damaging for the children and I counted the days until I could leave.

So a glimpse of what life will be like at the end of the tunnel - I am happier than I have been in years, the girls are coping well with the changes they have encountered, the three of us are more of a family than the four of us ever were. I look forward to each day and I am mostly free from the stress that my marriage caused. I have a fantastic divorce lawyer, also discovered through Resolution, and if you are in south west London I would recommend her.

Don't let him stay there and don't put up with him talking to your friends about the situation, that's your right (and good friends will be on your side anyway).

Wishing you luck and strength.