found out about 2nd affair. It's all over now.

[helicopterview]

Oh my god. I can't believe this has happened, and life has unraveled so fast. From 12 years of marriage and 2 kids to nothing in 3 months.

I posted 3 months ago about a late night text alerting me to an OW. Emotional affair, didn't seem to love her, and we started therapy.

We were talking through the issues preceding, the lack of affection which had built up and all that. I was quite willing to change, and share the blame.

Went away as a family, but felt I was doing all the running, starting the conversations, buying the books to discuss. He was passive and pessimistic. Didn't feel right still. I'd have expected more input from him.

I knew there had been a specific time when my eldest dc (who's 10 now) was a newborn, when things changed. I couldn't put my finger on what went wrong.

So in therapy I had been blaming myself, had newborn, lack of attention to dh, all the usual.

One day on holiday, though, I went through his entire sent box (he'd deleted the inbox) and found a message from him to a girl saying he wasn't able to talk on the phone because I was in the room.

Confronted him, he admitted it was a 2 year affair with his p.a, when we had newborn, he thought about leaving, decided to stay but never stopped having feelings for her.

Nothing going on now, and the evidence was from years ago. But he lied, and lied, and lied. Listened to me blaming myself.

Too much betrayal.

Within days it was all over. Told parents, told kids, planned where he'll move to.

He's gone from being passive and sullen to all action. This is what he wanted all along, but was too weak to ask for.

I have been terrified of the future (I'm 42) cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, and now, 2 weeks later, am starting to feel incredibly angry.

Help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Helicopter, just a thought. Before you go any further, get a second opinion from another solicitor? I am a bit worried that your solicitor is already talking about/conceding selling the matrimonial home.

You've probably already done this but just in case.

Make a list

1. Current values of properties and mortgages. Are the mortgages on fixed rates or will the interest rate go up. Prepare to argue that it would be crazy to try to sell your home in the current market and anyway, you need to live there...

... Then a list of reasons why you need to stay in the house.

1. His earnings, bonuses (in the past), pension, other benefits.

1. All your outgoings which will be very high.

1. Any debts.

1. Savings, shares, etc.

1. Something about his earning potential over the next 20 years or so.

Thanks. Yes, I do need to somehow work out values of all these things.

Have already been thinking of seeing another solicitor, because she does seem a bit soft.

It's hard at the moment because lots of estate agents talk-up values to try to get business..

Helicopter- I hope my advice doesn't sound superficial but I really think that if you relaunch yourself with new hai-style, increase your fitness, take control, it will make you feel like you are winning and may even piss him off. Sorry to be like that but it will help you to think about it as part of self improvement....also not to feel like a victim. Warm wishes

TaDa, your advice is not superficial at all. When I found out my husband was cheating I went to Boots and bought half the Clarins make up counter. It felt good and I'm still looking good on it!

That's what I am thinking....show yourself and him that you are making a step up....moving on from him. Might make him beg you to come back but cross that nasty bridge when you get to it.

After his game playing I don't blame you for bending over backwards to be seen as the reasonable party but I honestly can't imagine a single soul seeing anything wrong with you admiting that "Yes I wanted to let him stay for the kids sake but you know what? I can't cope with him in my home."

As long as you still facilitate regular contact between your children and their father no-one could realistically call you unreasonable.

Elastomum, maybe your Derby solicitor knows someone (by reputation) where Helicopter lives?

Thanks for all your continued support.
I'm still at a friend's house with the kids. Any solicitor recommendations would be useful - thanks mathsanxiety.

I will ask around. I have a lot of friends in the SE and half of them are either lawyers or married to them. Heli whereabouts are you?

helicopter- have solicitor friends; ven married to one. Where are you?

w london

Hi Heli, just popping on to see how you're doing. Sounds like you're taking one day at a time, and getting through it. Some good advice here, and I can second the advice about exercise etc making you look and feel good - it makes you feel stronger for yourself, and it makes you look stronger to your ex, instead of the pining, pathetic thing that he expects to see. A bit of a boot to his ego to see you getting on with your life, and looking gorgeous while you're at it. Ha!

I second the new hair do idea! After leaving I had a funky new short "do" and have never looked back. It's given me a huge boost and is a reminder that I'm the new improved me!

Oh helicopter, I can't believe all this has happened to you. I have just read your thread after being away for a while. I'm so sorry.

You must be feeling devastated. What a complete and utter shithead, to give you the impression that you could work together on your problems. That they were somehow shared problems. I feel so angry at your H to treat you like that. I remember your threads and comments on mine about couple counselling and the efforts you were making were considerable and really thoughtful - you were so committed to making your marriage work and you don't deserve to be treated like this.

You are getting great advice from people here about all these things you probably never imagined you'd ever need to know. I really hope you are feeling stronger after being with your friend over the weekend.

How are you feeling about school starting and all that? I'm sure the majority of school friends will be kind and supportive and you can probably already imagine the less kind ones you need to do your best to avoid.

Are you eating OK now? Am thinking of you lots

Hello loves

Good to hear from you again. Yes, I really was not expecting this. It's been a nightmare. But it did feel strange that I was doing all the work outside counseling, and my h was really uninterested, and quite pessimistic. (remember my 'stalemate after emotional affair' thread)

That's why I went through every email, looking for some clue about his state of mind, or anything really. And found there had an almighty elephant in the room all along in the shape of this much earlier affair, and that my h had really strong feelings for this girl. I knew her, by the way, at least to say hello to.

No wonder we weren't getting anywhere in the counseling.

Am eating better now, my RL friend is really looking after me, and the kids are outside playing all day. Main problem now is sleep, and figuring out all the finances.

Hope your situation's OK. What's the latest?

Yes, an elephant certainly. Atleast you were on alert enough to do all that checking of emails/phones. Do you think he would have gone on indefinately without being honest about his feelings? You must struggle to not have really dark thoughts about him. So much trust betrayed.

I'm sure your sleep will settle over the next few days/weeks. You have been through a terrible shock and it's not surprising that your body is reacting. Although you knew something was up, you were not expecting this at all, were you? So it will take time for the symptoms of that shock to subside. They will though.

With the finances, it does sound like there are people following your thread who have experience so that's invaluable. Take your time about decisions.

I'm so glad you have RL support and friends who can wrap you up a bit. You need to be equally kind to yourself too - if the kids TV time/amount of convenience foods/tidying goes haywire, then let it and don't beat yourself up about such things. You just need whatever coping strategies for the next few weeks as you can generate.

Thanks for asking how I am helicopter. Ticking along, up and down.

What did you decide to do about the anti-deps?

I took them for a week, started to feel a bit better, more positive, but didn't know if I was actually improving or it was just the mask of the drugs. Felt weird not knowing. Plus had a night where couldn't drop off at all, which was worse than waking at 4am, and wondered if it was a side effect.

So off them as of yesterday, and I'll see how I go.

Trying exercise and natural remedies instead.

Haven't seen or spoken to h now for 5 days, and think that that alone may be why I am feeling less stressed. Maybe I don't need drugs, I need distance.

It sounds as though you've got really good insight there - keep the distance if that is helping you cope. Can you do any contact about the kids through a friend? I am so glad H is not on your sofa anymore.

The exercise is a great idea as the hit of endorphins should help.

Hope you sleep OK tonight. When I'm awake in the night and can't get back to sleep, I get up and eat a bowl of cereal, as it feels like the easiest comfort food at that time. Hope you've got lots of comfort type food in the house.

When d'your kids go back to school? And you work?

Kids back next Monday.
I am supposed to go back mid September, but need to check with solicitor that it won't make my settlement worse. If so , will just stay home until all over.

Stephen Foster at STewart's is very good but check his rates first as he is at the sharp end.

Brilliant. Thanks so much TDaDa. He looks the business! Am going to get in touch.

Hi Heli, Good luck with the solicitor, but have an very upfront discussion re fees and likely overall costs. They usually ask you for money as you go along as they are often worried whether you can afford them.

Re your job, do you feel you will be able to cope going back to work at this stage? It is a lot of stress for you on top of everything else. Might be good to give yourself a bit of a break to re group. Be kind to yourself

Hi- I should declare that I have a very good contact at Stewart's so if you use them, I could ask that SF look out for you. Up to you. As noted above, please have an upfront discussion on costs/fees compare to others and ask for monthly report on costs or similar.

Also, don't over use solicitor as an emotional stick to fight with your husband. Just use him as protection for getting a good deal - i think that you should keep things civil with DH when negotiating.