found out about 2nd affair. It's all over now.

[helicopterview]

Oh my god. I can't believe this has happened, and life has unraveled so fast. From 12 years of marriage and 2 kids to nothing in 3 months.

I posted 3 months ago about a late night text alerting me to an OW. Emotional affair, didn't seem to love her, and we started therapy.

We were talking through the issues preceding, the lack of affection which had built up and all that. I was quite willing to change, and share the blame.

Went away as a family, but felt I was doing all the running, starting the conversations, buying the books to discuss. He was passive and pessimistic. Didn't feel right still. I'd have expected more input from him.

I knew there had been a specific time when my eldest dc (who's 10 now) was a newborn, when things changed. I couldn't put my finger on what went wrong.

So in therapy I had been blaming myself, had newborn, lack of attention to dh, all the usual.

One day on holiday, though, I went through his entire sent box (he'd deleted the inbox) and found a message from him to a girl saying he wasn't able to talk on the phone because I was in the room.

Confronted him, he admitted it was a 2 year affair with his p.a, when we had newborn, he thought about leaving, decided to stay but never stopped having feelings for her.

Nothing going on now, and the evidence was from years ago. But he lied, and lied, and lied. Listened to me blaming myself.

Too much betrayal.

Within days it was all over. Told parents, told kids, planned where he'll move to.

He's gone from being passive and sullen to all action. This is what he wanted all along, but was too weak to ask for.

I have been terrified of the future (I'm 42) cried more tears than I would have thought humanly possible, and now, 2 weeks later, am starting to feel incredibly angry.

Help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks. Yes I am really pleased I stopped taking them. Medicating myself out of a problem is not my style. I never felt it was a proper solution, but I was desperate at the time and clutching at straws. I felt like a little lost girl. Everything I thought about my marriage before, and all plans we had, disappeared overnight.

I feel much more in control right now. In fact I fell weirdly empowered. I am surviving something I would never have dreamed would happen to me, and I found absolutely terrifying a month ago.

If I can do this, I can do anything.

yes, your ability to cope has been very impressive...but don't be afraid to rely on your close ones.

You remind me of coping advice which says...close your eyes and imagine that you are staring in your own movie where the chips are down...respond in the way that you would urge the hero/heroine to respond.....that seems to be exactly what you are doing.....

And it isn't really relevant and I hope that it isn't upsetting for me to say this but after your husband sees how you have emerged (stronger, fitter, more resolute) within a year or two he may well try to get back with you....but I guess that it will be too late....his loss. From all of your previous threads/posts it is clear that you are a balanced and good person.

Avoid fighting with DH.....just think in your own mind "pathetic kid" when you are dealing with him and stay calm and controlled...he will hate it and you will continue to feel good about yourself.

Fighting will just create more stress and not help you or the children cope.

Yes I know. I could only think of angry and bitter things to say at the moment, so I have asked that we do not do a face to face on Monday, but try to discuss by email instead.

yes. I think anger and bitterness can't be supressed completely but it might be best to ensure that it doesn't work to your disadvantage.

Dressing up nice and playing your favourite music..... dancing with children in the kitchen could be therapy.

Oh good for you. You need to suit yourself, see how much you can do, and don't feel you have to oblige if that means overextending yourself emotionally.

Be careful with e-mail though, because that effectively records your thoughts. You will have to take care not to give any assent to any suggestions, and type in very general terms. your ex will possibly be very keen to get all the loose ends tied up wrt visitation, etc., but you are within your rights to tell him you will get back to him after weighing anything he proposes. There is no time limit here. You don't have to commit to anything. Watch how you word things.

To clarify -- expressing anger and bitterness i an e-mail would be perfectly fine, but agreeing to any proposal for time with the children except for one-off events, on specific days, at specific times and specific places, would be ill-advised.

Thanks mathsanxiety. Yes I am going to be very wary of what I agree to verbally or by email.

This will be no help, but I've just read your thread and howled for you, and for me. You generously posted on my thread even though you're dealing with this .
You are an inspiration to me, and give me a faint glimmer of hope that I might come through this in one piece.

Hi Helicopter -

If you are using the solicitors that I recommended then you could speak to Mr Dinsmore and tell him that you are a friend of RP (what he calls me). I leave it up to you - he is a partner and it may be worth registering with him so that if you are ever uncertain/unhappy then he could follow up for you.

kind regards

hi hv

I haven't been around much for the last few weeks, and not at all for the last few days

have just caught up, and wanted to say how wonderful you sound

that you can advise others so constructively when all this shit is still so raw for you is a testament to your strength of character

you are worth a thousand of him, no contest

thanks af. That means a lot from you, since I know you are always so clear sighted.

Did first handover yesterday, h took kids out for pizza, dropped them back. I let him in to pack some stuff up, he ended up yelling at me about what a hard time he's having. Had to tell him that's why we should not meet when kids are around.

Eldest cried at bedtime, about how he'll be seeing us one at a time, rather than together from now on.

This is not going to be easy.

it is going to be so very, very difficult, but time will help (a cliche...but true)

don't you go feeling sorry for him though...he is responsible for himself

boo fucking hoo hard time indeed

Fully agree with AF......I obviously don't have a clue about all the detail and context but I am detecting that now that you are holding together and looking composed he is starting to feel sorry for himself.....if he was experiencing a little ego trip then you might have ended it by taking control.....

....if you could continue to stay calm and composed then you will feel better and better with time.

warmest wishes

Helicopter- how are you?

Up and down, thanks.

Had a bizarre request from my h today. We had a ski holiday booked, and I said he could go on it with the kids, and maybe I could go at a later date with them, but obviously that would depend on our financial settlement. He said he'd pay for me/dcs, but only if I sorted out all the unfinished details like transfers for his trip with the kids.

Quite a cheek, don't you think, and no idea of boundaries and separation. So I emailed back that we each have to take on the other's usual responsibilities now, and I did not want to be his P.A, and if that meant no ski trip for me and the kids, then so be it. Which I knew was the right thing to do, but quite hard because it might have meant kids missing out because I wouldn't play ball. But I had decided my pride was more important than any holiday.

Just had a message back that he'll pay anyway.

I should feel grateful I suppose, but I feel like I am dealing with a spoilt child.

strange bloke

You did the right thing, hv, accept no manipulation

I think that you did the right thing.

Not sure how he could pay when your assets are still jointly held?

I predict that your DH will struggle or react in some way when you eventually move on.

Please continue to keep your composure in his presence.

I'm not sure our assets are jointly held. I do have a debit card to one of his accounts, but there's no joint bank account.

Hi- hopefully your solicitor has advised you what to do on this?

Heli- have you had a chance to play music and dance with the children? Keeping up the exercise? I know that it is tough. Jogging with a friend can help you to get out. Or teenis or badminton.

Very Best wishes

Hi Tada

Thanks for your continued advice. Just went back to work today. Went OK. Decided to tell a few nice people, mainly so if I have an off day they'll understand.

I do need to get more into exercise. Thanks for the reminder. I have a nice long walk home from work, so I'll do that tomorrow weather permitting. And am going out more with girlfriends.

Have had a therapist recommended, and although I did look into your recommendation of a solicitor, 2 mums at school who are both now divorced suggested someone else. First phone conversation much more reassuring than original solicitor. So meeting her this week, and will see how it goes.

Main struggle now is sorting out days of week for h to see/have kids for sleepovers, and dealing with the fact that he'll be living 2 streets away. I have had to say if I am in any way uncomfortable with him, or him and a girlfriend being so close to me either he can leave, or I will. Obviously better it' shim because then he can control how close he lives, and kids not uprooted.

I just want the divorce over with now. I want to get on with adjusting to my new single mum life. All the uncertainty about money and access makes it so much harder.

Hi Heli - you strength and matter of fact approach is an inspiration in terms of coping with the unexpected. I think that you may even look back in with a measure of satisfaction about how you coped. I think that your good character and straight-forwardness is what has many of us empathising so strongly.

Hopefully the solicitor will sort out some money arrangement so that that you can have more short term predictability.

Are you a gym member or would you run on the road? Maybe when your DH starts looking after the kids you will have time for an exercise class. I am getting back into running before the winter starts which is why I am so obsessed/keep mentioning it. I worked really hard on the treadmill last night and I was buzzing all the way into work this morning.

Very best wishes

I know where you're coming from. My ex had an affair when my 3 sons were very little. I went through all the soul-searching, did relate but was determined that we would make a go of things because I believe in the absolute importance of a stable family especially where children are involved. We had good times and enough to feel things were worth continuing. However, my trust has been sorely tested through the years and finally I found clear evidence of a new affair 4 months ago. My sons are now teenagers and we had been together 28 years but I realisedthis was it. I started to join up the dots of evidence and realised I had been lied to over a number of years. He has had more than two affairs and I believe many other sexual encounters. All this runs counter to my beliefs and values which is very very hard. However I had to have him out the house asap inorder to keep things going for the kids and manage a full time job. I realise he was simply waiting for a crisis like this to leave. I have had to sell the family home and move into rented accomadation as has he. Having been really busy, the deep loneliness has now begun to haunt me. All I wanted was a good family life and future with all the great things a family life can bring. Living with a changed future is challenging but I guess living with truth and honesty will be better in the long run - for my health too.
I feel for you in your situation. Try not to be come cynical and hold on to what is good and true. Love yourself.

Hello ecumenist
Our situations sound v similar, albeit in my case with a shorter (12 year) marriage and younger kids. My h too was, I think, waiting for a crisis to leave. So spineless.

I am also keeping v busy, which seems to help me regain a sense of control and purpose. I look back to a few weeks ago when I made my discovery of a 2nd affair, and see that I felt completely lost, which is not the usual me at all. I also have moments when I feel scared about decision making - even if it's only what new furniture shall I buy, to replace what my h is taking. On the face of it I'm OK doing it, because our tastes were different, and now I can have it my way. But it felt lonely without someone else to help decide.

I hate that Christmas will be so different this year, hate that I'll be on my own over New Year while h takes kids away, hate that I'll have to only spend half the holidays with the kids in future. I do feel I'm being punished for something he did, if you know what I mean.

But then I have to remind myself it's such early days. Only a month since the bombshell, and decision to split.

I look at your situation and think I am sure that if we had continued, me and my h, I'd be in the boat you're in now. Older kids, but continuing betrayal.

I hope you and I both manage to rebuild our self esteem, and belief in ourselves, so we can go on and live the lives we deserve.

Hugs.